Loreena

Hi, I've been reading stuff in this forum for some time now and - finally decided to share. I met my AH at an AA meeting. I'm 20 years sober now, he would be too except he picked up about 6 years ago and has not been able to put together much time of sobriety since (except when he was in jail for DUI for 2 years - 5th one in Massachusetts - life time suspension of license etc. etc.) wow, I took him back when he got out. I feel so stupid and lost and I have put myself back where I was when he left several years ago) I put faith in him instead of God. He is so convincing, sneaky, lies all the time, hides booze everywhere, gallons of vodka now, rot gut too....in my house. I'm fearful of him dying, he has come close to it several times.

I've gone through the feeling sorry for him, anger to the point I hit him several times, so much hate for the man he is when he drinks and the broken promises on a daily basis, self pity too -but mostly FEAR in capital letters.

We bought a house, this is the dumbest thing I ever did, I won't be able to afford it when I get rid of him I"m facing foreclosure without his paycheck, (my credit is excellent, it is so important to me...) This is where the fear comes from, loosing everything I have worked so hard to build up over my life. I know I have to choose - peace of mind and serenity OR bankruptcy. How can I even think there is a choice? While he was in jail, I DID have peace of mind, I work very hard and came home from work and relaxed, read a book, hot bath, dinner with friends etc. now I dont' dare leave him alone because i am afraid he'll get drunk and burn the house down with a butt.

Someone kick me in the ass, I need support so bad. I am going to an ALANON meeting tonight in my town. I have hit a rock bottom with living in this situation. I can't and won't do it alone, I didn't get sober to live this way.

I lived without him for 5 years and I was fine. I took better care of myself and didn't have to live this way. I know now I'm just hanging on because of the finances, I have no feelings for him anymore, except maybe contempt. I am an alcoholic and I know that it is not a crime to be an alcoholic but it is a crime to not do something about it once it impacts your life like it has. Well, I can't geth im sober and am not trying to. I'm trying now to salvage my own sanity and my own life and make good healthy choices based on my goals in life. all i ever wanted was my own home - with our without a man but in this state it is so expensive to live and on my salary....well, some of you out there will identify with that.

So I accept it is just not in the cards for me now, I am trying to get a roomate but if I have to sell or let this house go, I'll pack up and leave and not look back. Just another hard time in life. I need the pain to stop, now.

Well, what do you think about this? a mess huh?

prodigal

I think the pain will ease when you let go of some of your anger - towards him and towards yourself. You chose to take him back, and as you mentioned you put your faith in him rather than in God. I think putting your faith in God would have been a better bet, but what is done is done.

Take it from a rageaholic who has gotten into some MAJOR battles with my estranged AH - all it did was hurt me more. The anger and frustration that the A in my life was acting like a maniac and sucking me into the insanity was my fault. I allowed myself to get sucked in. Once I stopped looking at him as some hateful creature and instead a very sick man, I was able to detach and get on with my own life.

If need be sell the house. Buy a cheaper house. Buy a condo. Yes, it IS expensive to live in your area, but I'm sure there are alternatives.

You lived without this man just fine. So you can sit around kicking him in the arse for being a drunk and kicking yourself in the arse for letting him back into your life. All your going to end up doing is making yourself crazy. So become proactive and do what you need to do to regain serenity. Al-Anon will help with this. Get your focus on what you need to do for yourself in order to have the life you want and deserve.

denny57

Welcome, Loreena

I agree, selling the house is an option. You were fine for those 5 years, you'll be ok. Fear is what kept me from doing what I needed to for too many years. If all you've ever wanted is your own home, you will find a way. I believe it.

I think it's a great idea to attend Al-Anon for the support you'll get.

No butt kicking from me - sounds like you have a good head about things; the fear is understandable.

Keep posting - look forward to getting to know you.

GettingBy

Welcome Loreena,

Doesn't sound like much of a mess to me, actually. Sounds like you have a good understanding of your situation and what you need to do. I am very impressed with your composure and acceptance of the facts.

Al-anon is a great place to go. As you know, one step at a time, one day at a time... and things will work out.

WantsOut

Hi Loreena-

Yep, sounds like a mess alright Thank goodness that life is long (in a short kind of way) and you can change this whole situation and put it in the past.

Yes, call the real estate people and find out about selling the house. Maybe even keep his drunk butt around until it's sold. You've suffered a lot. If you can avoid more pain by tolerating him for an extra three months or whatever, maybe you should do it.

I know what it's like to hate him. I'm just coming down the other side of that mountain. I have no words of wisdom there - I understand your contempt. At this point it's all I can do not to hate a poor normal person trying to enjoy one glass of wine, I just loathe alcohol so.

Loreena

Thank you for the responses, I DO know what I have to do - it is just the damn pain of it all, I'm lazy and hate change I guess. Oh I can't wait to go and get all those hugs you get at Alanon, I sure need em. I want someone else to do all this hard work for me, I just want to kick back and it will all go away but just like in AA I know I have to do the leg work and it is still hard, so very hard but it is harder to stay in the mess.

I bought an Arobed and am gonna blow it up and go over to a friends house tonight, eat popcorn, watch a movie and have some laughs. sound good?

Just what the doctor ordered. I can't stay and listen to him, I wish I had a room in the house where I couldn't hear him on the phone down the basement lying to his friends and family on the phone, he gets phonitis when he drinks. I know I'm out of control now because I lsten to it and it makes me sick and I get in a rage. The further from him the better. Poor fella, I do feel for him. He has no liscense to get to work, can't even get a chekcing account because he is in bankruptcy, I've been driving him to work - there is no power on earth strong enough to stop an alchy..well, maybe, except a desire from him to stop, not a desire from me.

-keeping my chin up, I'm just exhausted emotionally, physically and spiritually..

Loreena

Just what I was thinking as well....keep the paycheck around til I can get the house sold, taxes paid and a deposit for a small place for me and the cat!

cmc

Hi Loreena,
I'm glad you found us here at SR and you got some excellent replies here. Congrats on 20 years! Just remember that the Alanon program is just like all the other 12 steps- so you have a good base to work from. It took awhile for things to become the way they are and it will take some time to get to where you need to be as well.
I needed to learn to be patient with myself as I learned to make better choices concerning myself and how I reacted to my addicted son. The new attitudes come first and then our actions will follow.
I'm sorry you've had all this to deal with but it seems like you are on a good path.
I wish you all the best.