Mlynn

I tried to post earlier....but the post didn't go through so I am writing this new one.

I have been feeling quite overwhelmed latley. My Cousin (on my father's side) is getting married in June. She is a College Graduate & has what I have always considered to be a perfect life. Her mother is the only one of my fathers 4 biological siblings who actually didn't become an alcoholic or abusive parent....go figure huh. My father's side of the family is intresting to say the least. They are either on one end of the extreme or another. I never really knew these people. They came into my life briefly as a teenager when my fathers Mother died. I guess her death made everyone want to play the close loving family routine....didn't last long though. My father had little contact with his family other then occasional once a year visits with 1 of the aunts & the unemployed uncle(fathers brother) who she let live with her that I can remember from childhood. Thier was a family fued & my fathers horrific personality isiolated us from his family. I still wonder if they will ever really know WHO my father is. I wonder...when I see them look at this man as their brother...with love...if they will ever know how much damage he did....how much he made us suffer...what a hateful unloving person he really is? I don't think they ever will. He has another "face" that he wears with them. It is not who he is...but this mask is who he is to them.

Needless to say I always feel less then around this particular part of my family. They are quite wealthy with upper-middle class personalities. They never really suffered any childhood abuse or major trauma. This cousin has a father that truley deeply loves her. I mean really loves her. He is a kind person. I really don't know how to relate to her/them. I feel jelous, angrey, and bitter when I think about all the things that I would have loved to have had. I feel like they judge me even if they don't. I feel like they MUST BE judging me because look at what a "looser" I am compared to thier college educations, full time jobs, and stable love lives.

I always grew up with out. I mean...we didn't realize it at the time....but there was alot of shame in living our childhoods. Our home was always in ruines. I remember it being nice when I was very young and having family get togethers...but over the years things would get broken and not get fixed. It got to the point...where both my parents were so mentally ill(alcoholic/depressive)....that we were living in squaller...sometimes with out heat, most of the time with broken plumbing, and non-working water, with holes in the walls, ceeling, floors, and doors. I eventually had anxiety attacks when ever someone knocked at the door. We were ashamed to let anyone see how we lived. I remember being a kid and sneeking out the window or trying to hid from the person knocking on the door hoping they would go away. I remember begging for someone to fix the house, cleaning, begging my mom to buy rugs or lamps or anything that might make the house look "nicer". Needless to say the house NEEDS to be demolished...but here were are living in a house unfit for rats none the less human habitation.

I feel so ashamed to be where I am...stuck in this situation. I am going to be 22. I havn't had a job sence october of LAST YEAR. I have issues with severe panic and anxiety attacks - and issues with self sabatoge stemming from PTSD and childhood sexual abuse(older brother & maybe a uncle) and trauma. I never went to college. I want to go to college. I have had issues with self harm, attempting sucide, drug use, underage alcohol use exc. Everyone thinks I am a "good little girl". No one knows any of this besides my sister. I suffered silently before I learned about recovery. Most of the above problems have resolved them selves just by my discovering ACOA books. Those problems came from a lack of hope & not understanding or having an outlet for my feelings. ACOA gives me hope.

I am usually clean and sober. I have never been addicted to any substance. I did "experimentation" from the time I was 16-19 that wasn't out of the rhelm of what normal young person experimentation would be I guess. It was mostly alcohol and then later weed once every few weeks. I realize this was when I had no other way to cope. I wasn't addicted to any one thing...but I needed to numb myself so I self medicated when the emotions would build up to an uncontrolable point. Sence my 21st birthday I havn't been to a bar or done any illegal drugs. I just didin't have the need. But sometimes i feel so overwhelmed....so ashamed...so horrible about where I am and who I am....that I think to myself if I had something right now I wouldn't hesitate to take it. Last weekend I did just that. I took an over the counter drug....that when taken in high doses....gives a person a "high". I felt awful afterwards. The "quick fix" just seemed so much more appeling than working through my feelings. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like walking through my feelings is more then I can handle sometimes and the "numb" seems like the only way to survive until tomarrow.

GingerM

I want you to know that there are people who care about you and worry about you and wish you nothing but good in this world, myself included.

You ARE a worthwhile human being. I know you don't feel like one right now, so please trust an outside source who isn't mired in the problems, but trust me, you ARE.

I am 40. At 22, I was pretty much where you are. My last suicide attempt was at 24. I can't make you feel better right now, and you won't recover overnight. It's a long processs, but it DOES get better, it really does. There is a light, although it probably looks impossibly far off for you right now.

So please hang onto that. Other's have made it through what you're going through and have come out happy and relatively healthy. It won't be like this forever.

Adore

mlynn,

your story gives me hope...i thought i was the only loser in the world :-)

u r not a loser! that is for sure bc here are two people on ths site who love you and want you to live and keep going and be strong.

lots of love to you....here it is...hope u get it :-)

Wascally Wabbit

I was in a situation where my father died and my mom became a raging mean alcoholic. I hated people to come over because they had to see her drunk, falling down etc.
I remember my own mom telling me how she was ashamed to have anyone over to her house when she was a child. They lived in absolute poverty. It's terrible. But, you dont' have to live like that any more. Thankfully, I don't either. We get out, and get free.
It sucks that we have to deal with all the emotional BS that comes from it, but we do deal with it and we do make it in this world. Then, we can help others because we know what it's like.

DesertEyes

Hello there Mlynn,

I'm sorry thay you are struggling, that you are feeling so down. I used to feel much like what you describe. I felt that I was "less than" everybody else on the planet. _Everybody_ else. My history is a little different than yours cuz nobody ever thought I was a "good little boy". I reacted to my parents alcoholism by becoming the "lost child" that ACoA books talk about.

I tried getting out of that life, but my non-existent self-esteem and lack of social skills held me back. I wound up addicted to alcohol and living on the streets. You mention that you have never been addicted to any substance, that you only take some on occasion when you are overwhelmed with emotions. I wish I had that strength, it would have saved me _years_ of misery.

Yup, I understand that "quick fix". What I did was work on only a _small_ bit of my feelings at a time. Whenever I tried to fix all of me, or look at all of my life, or at all of somebody else's life, it was completely overwhelming. That "quick fix" helped me get over the pain when I looked at _all_ of my problems, but it also prevented me from fixing even the _smallest_ problem.

What I did was start with something small. I could not go to college all in one day. I could not get my own place to live and a good job all in one day. What I _could_ do was something small and easy. I started with my body. I started with simple things that would be good for my body. I started by being clean every day, by washing my clothes so I would have something clean to wear. Washing my hands, combing my hair, brushing my teeth.

That was a lot harder than it sounds, but it was something I was able to do and feel good about.

Once I had practice at doing those simple things I started looking for a job. any job. The first ones were terrible, but my goal was to make each one a little better than the previous one.

Then I got a place to live with some roomates. Little by little I got better places to live, and better roomates.

All of that is part of recovery. It's what the "Easy Does It" and "Baby Steps" slogans are all about.

That worked for me. I now have a nice little condo. A nice easy job. I even have a car, which was beyond my wildest imagination. I feel good about me and what I have contributed to my little corner of the world. I have good friends. Little by little i built for myself the kind of life I always wanted. Oh yeah, I put myself thru college too.

Mlynn, you're starting out on building your own life today. Every time you read an ACoA book, every time you post here, you are adding one little piece to the life that _you_ want to make for yourself. You are starting out ahead of me cuz you are not yet addicted to drugs the way I was, so you'll get your life faster than I got mine.

You are not a loser, even though you feel like one. Just like I wasn't a loser. You _were_ a loser up until the time you decided to fix your life. That is when you stopped being a loser. Now you are the winner of a little bit of serenity, a little bit of sanity and a little bit of hope for your own future. Every time you build on that little bit, like you do every time you read or share, you are becoming more and more of a winner.

Today you are better off than you were yesterday. As long as you keep doing that you will quickly arrive at the life you want for yourself. If I was you I'd be really proud to know that my future is wonderful, and that it is wonderful cuz of what I was doing to _earn_ it.

We all love you here, Mlynn. You are one of us, the used-to-be losers who are becoming winnner.

Mike

justicej

Hi, i am acoa. I was in a simular place in my twenties too. I am forty and much better now. After I jumped on the recovery boat, on the sad and lonely days, when I felt like self-medicating (or self-mutilating) I would take a minute to take a deep breath, imagine wrapping myself in a big hug (sometimes doing it for real) and do a little reality check.
These aren't my invention, you likely have heard them here many times, I know I have.
Reality check 1) What am I feeling, if it is anger it is probably a secondary feeling. Most often it is hiding fear.
This check leads to faith in my feelings.

Reality check 2) Whatever I am fearing, was probably based in reality as a child, but doesn't need to be feared as an adult. I can love and protect myself now.
This check leads to faith in my self.

Reality check 3) Whatever I am worrying about controlling I ask the 3 C's. Did I cause it? Can I cure it? Can I control it? I usually answer no to all three.
This check leads to faith in my higher power.
I can only speak for myself. This is a loving safe place. Keep coming back.

Mlynn

Thanks everyone for the encouragement. I am having a really difficult time with my cousin getting married. Part of me really doesn't want to go to her wedding...but I know this might hurt her(if she cares...we don't exactly have a relationship). I have isiolated people out of my life before when I felt "less then". I don't like people seeing me "with out" so if I am having a difficult time and don't have anything to offer I will just cut people out of my life...then suffer over the decision....but be too stubourn or afraid of rejection to repair the damage(to myself & others). So often I just let relationships fade. I feel like me not having a job, me not being able to maintain my life, me still living with my parents(for some unknown asinine reason) gives other people too much ammo to use "agianst me". I would rather people believe in a "mask" of "everything is perfect" then see the ugly reality so when that mask gets to hard to maintain or when my "failure" is all too obvious I cut people out of my life or aviod them so they can't see it.

I have been struggling with setting boundries (not easy in a toxic situation) and it is getting worse before it (hopefully) gets better. Every boundry is like a stab in the chest to my mother...and too her proof that I don't really love her at all. I see her suffering & I feel responsible, but I realize that I need to stick to my guns. I was lying in bed last night and came to he horrible realization that anything I do is going to tear my mother apart. I have to choose MY LIFE over hers if I am to survive and that is the worst pain a daughter can imagine. I need to leave her, I need to leave her all alone, alone with my drunken father, alone with out (current) hope for salvation. I was thinking too myself "this is what MUST be done" and I was thinking about how awful it was going to be.....what implications making this choice was going to have. I thought about how I would leave. Would I just walk out the door one day never to return? Would I leave her a letter? What would that letter say? What would her reaction be? What if she died there...alone & lonley...rejected by her only daughter....rejected by her "everything"....abandoned by her "only friend" in the world....what if she died never to know peace or happiness? That was like a stab in the chest to me. I thought in my mind of what that would be like, how I would find out, the blame I would get from family members. I felt for a second that it was actually real and felt a deep sence of loss and anguish. But I know what I HAVE to do...and I need to do it now. Sitting around and moping isin't doing me any good. I need to get proactive.....and that realization gave me hope for the future. I feel like atleast there is HOPE for me to get better.

My brother has it worse then I do. He doesn't have the skills to cope what so ever. I feel bad for him...even though he has hurt me in the past....I almost feel like it wasn't his "fault" because he learned the violence. He never chose to be "that" person but it's what he is left with & he is suffering. My brother got cancer when I was 8. He almost died. I was shipped from relative to relative because my mom was "living" at the hospital and I was too much trouble for my dad. Before (and after) he became ill when I was very young he suffered with violent rages and innaproprate sexual behaviors. He put me in the hospital the first time when I was 5 & he was 9, stole from me(and everyone else), thretened me, and on atleast 1 occasion ALMOST suceeded in killing me & other members of my family when he was a teenager. He NOW has issues with Narcissism(like our father), self hate, drug OBSESSION(I wouldn't say addiction because it's not any one substance - its any and every substance he can get his hands on when he has money), and child pornography. I have found graphic immages downloaded on our family computer of children being violently raped. I wanted to report it to police but he lied about how it go there and I was made to feel like an awful human being for even entertaining such a thought. Later he reformated the PC so all evidence was lost. My brother I still struggle with - but less then my parents. I have been able to forgive him for the past to a great degree because I realize that he too was a victom but I also realize that he is not safe to be around, he is not trust worthy, his problems are intense, and that he may be a danger to himself & others (he was arrested this past summer on his birthday actually for public intox & possesion of a concealed weapon with intent to harm). Because he has issues with Narcissism - he won't admit that he has any problems (expect in an attempt to get some sort of attention, reaction, or Narcissistic Supply) and is too much of a "macho man" to seek "help".

This is alot of deal with...so I think the advice of taking baby steps is going to be a good idea for me.

Bravery

This sounds so familiar to me. Hiding when someone knocked on the door, hoping they would go away. I still jump when the bell rings and I find it hard to answer the door myself even now.

TryingisDying

Reality check 2) Whatever I am fearing, was probably based in reality as a child, but doesn't need to be feared as an adult. I can love and protect myself now.
This check leads to faith in my self.


This is so true for me too....Im also in my 40's and I can remeber feeling that same way...Recovery is so worth it...somedays it is SO hard but the sun always shines again...Hang in there ((HUGS))

Mlynn

Bravery - me too. Pretty sad that a 22 year old is afraid to answer her own frecking door. Nice too know someone else in the world feels that way too.