Newbie...again
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: USA
Posts: 3
Newbie...again
Blackouts...check
inability to control drinking at any level...check
financial distress due to drinking...check
spouse threatening to leave, again...check
biggest concern each and everytime I drink is where my NEXT drink is coming from...check
only friends I have left are heavy drinkers...check
remorse and regret about my drinking that rivals the severity of my hangovers...check
driving drunk, again...check
I can barely stand the feel of my own skin anymore. I am the best father, husband, son and brother in the world when I am not drunk, hungover or hiding in remorse from a recent drunk.
I am starting anew today. I have made promises to my wife I have never been able to keep. My children are losing respect for me, even though they would never say it, I can see it in their eyes and feel it.
I want to be trusted. I want to be the "stand up" guy I am when I am sober for extended periods of time, all the time. I want to reach my potential in life that alcohol has kept me from achieving. I want to embrace sobriety. I want sanity back in my life. I want to be healthy again (been since I was 18 since I can honestly say I looked or felt half way decent).
I have what every man in this world could possibly want. A beautiful wife, 3 beautiful and perfect young childre, a good job. Why do I try so hard to throw it all away each and every time I pick up a drink.
Why does every pint turn into a dozen or a dozen +5 drinks? I used to tell myself that I just trained myself that way. Years of alcohol abuse in high school and college is a tough habit to break right? Drinking to the point of alcohol poisoning everytime I drink when I am 35 is not a trained behavior.
I am an alcoholic. Period.
My dad, my dads dad, his dad and every traceable one before him was. How in the hell did I ever get off think I was special or different?
Thanks for listening. Nothing horrible happened. No DUI, no waking up in bed with a stranger, no abuse of kids or wife. I just can't take it anymore.
I am going back to AA. I am surrendering to my problem. I can't control it. It has a stranglehold on me.
Matt
inability to control drinking at any level...check
financial distress due to drinking...check
spouse threatening to leave, again...check
biggest concern each and everytime I drink is where my NEXT drink is coming from...check
only friends I have left are heavy drinkers...check
remorse and regret about my drinking that rivals the severity of my hangovers...check
driving drunk, again...check
I can barely stand the feel of my own skin anymore. I am the best father, husband, son and brother in the world when I am not drunk, hungover or hiding in remorse from a recent drunk.
I am starting anew today. I have made promises to my wife I have never been able to keep. My children are losing respect for me, even though they would never say it, I can see it in their eyes and feel it.
I want to be trusted. I want to be the "stand up" guy I am when I am sober for extended periods of time, all the time. I want to reach my potential in life that alcohol has kept me from achieving. I want to embrace sobriety. I want sanity back in my life. I want to be healthy again (been since I was 18 since I can honestly say I looked or felt half way decent).
I have what every man in this world could possibly want. A beautiful wife, 3 beautiful and perfect young childre, a good job. Why do I try so hard to throw it all away each and every time I pick up a drink.
Why does every pint turn into a dozen or a dozen +5 drinks? I used to tell myself that I just trained myself that way. Years of alcohol abuse in high school and college is a tough habit to break right? Drinking to the point of alcohol poisoning everytime I drink when I am 35 is not a trained behavior.
I am an alcoholic. Period.
My dad, my dads dad, his dad and every traceable one before him was. How in the hell did I ever get off think I was special or different?
Thanks for listening. Nothing horrible happened. No DUI, no waking up in bed with a stranger, no abuse of kids or wife. I just can't take it anymore.
I am going back to AA. I am surrendering to my problem. I can't control it. It has a stranglehold on me.
Matt
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: baltimore, maryland
Posts: 463
Welcome aboard MATTM
You have come to a great place for info. and support. Your story sounds very similar to my own. About a year ago i felt the same way you feel right now..... I was drinking a liter of vodka a day, just to function, I didn't even get buzzed anymore.
It seemed I always had an excuse to drink so i could "function" . I was in a vicious alcoholic cycle which I tried to break on my own many times. The half measures did nothing but increase my and MY FAMILIY'S (wife, 2 girls) demise. I had to break this cycle, or I was going to break myself and a wonderful life for my family.
So , 10 months ago I broke that cycle( with lots of help) by enrolling in a 28 day inpatient rehab. center. I learned so much about this disease, I got that break from that "CYCLE" and I started to think on my own.
THE FOG CLEARED, and I saw the runway lights for the first time in years. I hope you the best, land that circling plane now before it runs out of fuel.
Keep posting, and be willing to learn.
Work Hard and Enjoy Life......NED
It seemed I always had an excuse to drink so i could "function" . I was in a vicious alcoholic cycle which I tried to break on my own many times. The half measures did nothing but increase my and MY FAMILIY'S (wife, 2 girls) demise. I had to break this cycle, or I was going to break myself and a wonderful life for my family.
So , 10 months ago I broke that cycle( with lots of help) by enrolling in a 28 day inpatient rehab. center. I learned so much about this disease, I got that break from that "CYCLE" and I started to think on my own.
THE FOG CLEARED, and I saw the runway lights for the first time in years. I hope you the best, land that circling plane now before it runs out of fuel.
Keep posting, and be willing to learn.
Work Hard and Enjoy Life......NED
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: CA
Posts: 115
Matt I hope your wife will understand u and be by your side I think its to late for me, My husband and I only live together and he comes home every day and counts his beers and checks the bottle he says he does not love me anymore cuz I have lied 2 him about drinking I wish he would realize its an addiction or disease it wasn't me not loving him. Talk to your wife honesly and live for your family.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: British Columbia
Posts: 98
Your checklist sounds about right to me. Less than two months ago I could have created the same list, plus added a few other items.
Congratulations for going back to AA and participating in this amazing site!
If you get half out of this place what I have taken, you're recovery road will be an incredible ride.
Earl
Congratulations for going back to AA and participating in this amazing site!
If you get half out of this place what I have taken, you're recovery road will be an incredible ride.
Earl
Forum Leader
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Scottsdale, AZ, one big happy dysfunctional family!
Posts: 23,047
Originally Posted by MattM 
I am the best father, husband, son and brother in the world when I am not drunk, hungover or hiding in remorse from a recent drunk.
I really hope you decide to stick with AA this time. It's given me a life that's better than I thought I deserved.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Murfreesboro, TN
Posts: 595
Matt,
I was 35 when I got sober. I had a beautiful wife, 2 beautiful little girls, two cars, a house and a good job. Sounds like you right? My wife was ready to get her degree, get a job, and take the girls away. Thank God I was able to get help. Today, some 20+ years later, my daughters are two beautiful women with their own families and my wife and I are in our 35th year of marriage.
I can only offer an opinion. Get back to AA, get a sponsor, WORK the steps of the program and don't drink. You may not get another chance.
Yours in sobriety,
ED
I was 35 when I got sober. I had a beautiful wife, 2 beautiful little girls, two cars, a house and a good job. Sounds like you right? My wife was ready to get her degree, get a job, and take the girls away. Thank God I was able to get help. Today, some 20+ years later, my daughters are two beautiful women with their own families and my wife and I are in our 35th year of marriage.
I can only offer an opinion. Get back to AA, get a sponsor, WORK the steps of the program and don't drink. You may not get another chance.
Yours in sobriety,
ED
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Murrieta, Ca
Posts: 2,683
My dad, my dads dad, his dad and every traceable one before him was. How in the hell did I ever get off think I was special or different?
I was the same way......
Sounds like you're ready to me. Get back to AA. Yoiu know what you have to do.
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