Nice when he drank & now a mean dry drunk!
womanlyartsgoddess
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Nampa, Idaho
Posts: 16
Nice when he drank & now a mean dry drunk!
I'm new here. My name is Elizabeth. Back in May I met the most wonderful man I could have ever wanted. He was kind, chivilrous, respectful, romantic, charming, wanted to take care of me & my little girl and loved her too. He just wanted to make me happy, was so loving, would tell me that he loved me 5-10 times a day, brought me flowers spontaniously, was generous financially toward me, was laid back, seemed to embrace me for who I am, had a smile on his face for just being in my presence and told me that he had never been happier. He seemed to genuinely love me and have a good character.
A few months before me met me, he had gotten 2 DUI's and when we were first dating he got 2 Driving without priviledges. (irrisponsible?!) He told me that he used to go out to the bars and party all the time until he met me. In the beginning we both still partied every now and then because of the friends we had then. He decided to quit permenantly when he got on probation because he wanted to be a better man for me and not risk the consequenses. (responsible?!) He also admitted that it was probably for the best since he thought he looked forward to having a beer at the end of a long day too much. Now, I'm not sure if it's just because we were in the new infatuation stage of the relationship and he was just putting on a front, OR if he would have stayed the way he was emotionally/treatment-wise if he had kept drinking. Anyone know anything about this? I'm proud of him for having enough will power, enough love and respect for me, to quit drinking to avoid consequenses of becoming an abusive alchoholic or ending up in jal. But sometimes I wish he could just go back to the way things were. He was much nicer to me back then!
Since then things have gone down hill. He went from treating me like a queen to verbally abusing me. He blames his anger on me. Tells me I'm nagging when I'm just trying to get an explaination from him because he shuts me out. Then when I keep prying he acts like I'm pushing his buttons and it's my fault he has these explosive outbursts. He's definately depressed, but I wonder if it's just that or that the depression is a side effect of quitting alchohol and not getting help. He just wants to hide and run away. He seems to not be able to think as clearly as he did then (which would be ironic since he's supposed to be better now, not worse!)
Anyone have any thoughts on this?
I'm been researching dry drunk. It seems that the definition states of "Dry Drunk": The recovering alcoholic who is no longer drinking but whose thought processes are considered to continue to be distorted by the thought patterns of addiction.
Now this is confusing because he seemed to be so much healthier, wise, and nice before when he drank. I don't get it. This is what seems to fit everything else in his behavior.
Do you think he is like this because he's a dry drunk, and just has a crummy character? Or is it possible that someone can be a dry drunk, and still be a good man whose brain has malfunctioned?! (Hoping the latter)
A few months before me met me, he had gotten 2 DUI's and when we were first dating he got 2 Driving without priviledges. (irrisponsible?!) He told me that he used to go out to the bars and party all the time until he met me. In the beginning we both still partied every now and then because of the friends we had then. He decided to quit permenantly when he got on probation because he wanted to be a better man for me and not risk the consequenses. (responsible?!) He also admitted that it was probably for the best since he thought he looked forward to having a beer at the end of a long day too much. Now, I'm not sure if it's just because we were in the new infatuation stage of the relationship and he was just putting on a front, OR if he would have stayed the way he was emotionally/treatment-wise if he had kept drinking. Anyone know anything about this? I'm proud of him for having enough will power, enough love and respect for me, to quit drinking to avoid consequenses of becoming an abusive alchoholic or ending up in jal. But sometimes I wish he could just go back to the way things were. He was much nicer to me back then!
Since then things have gone down hill. He went from treating me like a queen to verbally abusing me. He blames his anger on me. Tells me I'm nagging when I'm just trying to get an explaination from him because he shuts me out. Then when I keep prying he acts like I'm pushing his buttons and it's my fault he has these explosive outbursts. He's definately depressed, but I wonder if it's just that or that the depression is a side effect of quitting alchohol and not getting help. He just wants to hide and run away. He seems to not be able to think as clearly as he did then (which would be ironic since he's supposed to be better now, not worse!)
Anyone have any thoughts on this?
I'm been researching dry drunk. It seems that the definition states of "Dry Drunk": The recovering alcoholic who is no longer drinking but whose thought processes are considered to continue to be distorted by the thought patterns of addiction.
Now this is confusing because he seemed to be so much healthier, wise, and nice before when he drank. I don't get it. This is what seems to fit everything else in his behavior.
Do you think he is like this because he's a dry drunk, and just has a crummy character? Or is it possible that someone can be a dry drunk, and still be a good man whose brain has malfunctioned?! (Hoping the latter)
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Poplar Grove, IL
Posts: 72
First question - Is he going to any support group? Are you?
When my husband decided to stop drinking the first time he said he didn't need any help. I still went to Al-Anon. When I would talk about his behavior people would tell me he was a "dry drunk". A "dry drunk" is someone who has quit drinking but is not working a program to help him with his attitudes and new way of life.
When my AH got his 2nd DUI He decided he needed help. He started going to AA meetings. Even after 2 years of being sober some of the old attitudes still come out but I have learned to ignore them when I know it is the Alcohloic speaking and not the man.
When my husband decided to stop drinking the first time he said he didn't need any help. I still went to Al-Anon. When I would talk about his behavior people would tell me he was a "dry drunk". A "dry drunk" is someone who has quit drinking but is not working a program to help him with his attitudes and new way of life.
When my AH got his 2nd DUI He decided he needed help. He started going to AA meetings. Even after 2 years of being sober some of the old attitudes still come out but I have learned to ignore them when I know it is the Alcohloic speaking and not the man.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Booneyville USA
Posts: 246
Hi MFB. Welcome 
How long has it been since his last drink? And if he quit "for you" then that is where the resentment will come into play (even tho' it isn't logical). He can't possibly think it's "his" fault (even tho' it was his decision) when he did it "for you". They like to play the blame game and they are very good at it! When something comes between them and their addiction they tend to get an attitude. He needs to get some help or he will most likely go back to the bottle (if he hasn't already done so!)
How long has it been since his last drink? And if he quit "for you" then that is where the resentment will come into play (even tho' it isn't logical). He can't possibly think it's "his" fault (even tho' it was his decision) when he did it "for you". They like to play the blame game and they are very good at it! When something comes between them and their addiction they tend to get an attitude. He needs to get some help or he will most likely go back to the bottle (if he hasn't already done so!)
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,579
Hi: glad you are here! Great place to learn about alcoholism and it's effects on the rest of us and how we can learn to get our bearinings back!
Your post has been helpful in reminding me how my recent-ex-AH is able to "date" even in the midst of his disease. People don't have to be drinking all the time (even though they are so great at hiding it,they CAN often be doing that for a long while until others realize that it is happening) in order to still be alcoholics. Sorry to say,from the sounds of things this fellow's actions don't indicate much,if any,recovery to me...JMHO. My husband did and said the same things (minus the DUI's) and the bad behavior etc., just progressed over the past years. He just divorced me after 27yrs of marriage rather than real recovery. I'm not saying your guy is lying,that he isn't "trying" to cut back,etc.,etc....just that he can't unless he is willing to get help and work on that.
Glad you are here. This place can help you understand what you can and can't do and how to make your life easier and more satisfying. Hope you stick around!
Your post has been helpful in reminding me how my recent-ex-AH is able to "date" even in the midst of his disease. People don't have to be drinking all the time (even though they are so great at hiding it,they CAN often be doing that for a long while until others realize that it is happening) in order to still be alcoholics. Sorry to say,from the sounds of things this fellow's actions don't indicate much,if any,recovery to me...JMHO. My husband did and said the same things (minus the DUI's) and the bad behavior etc., just progressed over the past years. He just divorced me after 27yrs of marriage rather than real recovery. I'm not saying your guy is lying,that he isn't "trying" to cut back,etc.,etc....just that he can't unless he is willing to get help and work on that.
Glad you are here. This place can help you understand what you can and can't do and how to make your life easier and more satisfying. Hope you stick around!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Welcome, Marley, glad you're here
What you describe is also the typical behavior of an abusive man, alcohol or not. Nice long enough to hook you in. There are some great stickys at the top of the forum you could read about that.
Good luck and keep posting - look forward to getting to know you.
What you describe is also the typical behavior of an abusive man, alcohol or not. Nice long enough to hook you in. There are some great stickys at the top of the forum you could read about that.
Good luck and keep posting - look forward to getting to know you.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Dixie
Posts: 612
I, too, have been confused about the term "dry drunk" and also did some Googling just last night. I've gathered that this can happen when they quit drinking, but their heart is not really in it. The information I read says that the A's do much better (and are more likely to succeed) if they are involved in the treatment program as a whole -- counseling, group, AA, 12 steps... My counselor told me that the A has to work on four areas: physical, mental, emotional and spiritual. If he's not doing this, then you are more apt to see the dry drunk symptoms -- anger at letting go of their "old friend."
I prefer to believe that your A is a good person (like in the beginning of your relationship). Right now, he is struggling and angry. Don't take it personally. It's all about him, not you.
I prefer to believe that your A is a good person (like in the beginning of your relationship). Right now, he is struggling and angry. Don't take it personally. It's all about him, not you.
Acting not reacting
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: My happy place
Posts: 1,788
Hi Marleyfloydbabe and Welcome!
I understand how trying it can be. He could be a dry drunk, if an alcoholic simply removed the alcohol from his life, but not working on him or herself, little changes. Im not just referring to 12 step programs, but therapy, counseling or something like that is usually helpful to people getting sober.
More importantly, how is it affecting you? Is it like living on a roller coaster, never knowing what will happen next?
Glad you are here
I understand how trying it can be. He could be a dry drunk, if an alcoholic simply removed the alcohol from his life, but not working on him or herself, little changes. Im not just referring to 12 step programs, but therapy, counseling or something like that is usually helpful to people getting sober.
More importantly, how is it affecting you? Is it like living on a roller coaster, never knowing what will happen next?
Glad you are here
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
Perhaps I'm way off base here, but here's what I'm thinking.
There are people that can be viciously mean - but they are only that way when under the influence.
I also know a few people that get very friendly - but they are only this way when under the influence.
It is my thinking that for many people, their personalities and attitudes are changed when under the influence of mind-altering substances. Therefore, I guess I'm thinking that maybe the cheery, friendly, gracious man that you saw was the product of the man that was under the influence - and not who he really is.
That having been said, I'd like to just remind you that this man has had problems with his drinking before he ever even met you. Even upon seeking sobriety, it's a process and recovery doesn't happen overnight. If he's just "quit drinking" but is doing nothing to recover, than I suspect that his behavior is going to continue to be very sporadic and not very pleasant.
I remember that I used to be able to "Feel" when my XAH was about to begin drinking again. It's not something that I could explain, nor could I really point out the differences in his behavior before it happened (though I know many people here could tell when their A was about to drink by behavior changes).
I wonder if your A's abusive behavior is getting worse because he's craving the alcohol.
I don't have the answers, nor do I know what it's like to be an alcoholic. I can't really tell you why your A is acting the way he is.
What I have discovered for myself is there comes a point when I had to ask myself some really serious questions.
Do I deserve to be treated like this?
Is this the environment in which I want to raise my kids in and have them believe that this is "normal" and possibly continue this pattern in their own lives?
Am I really happy?
What changes can I make to make my own life better?
Am I willing to accept life (and my AH) just as it is right now?
There were many questions I began asking myself - and finding the answers were hard and painful.
I guess what it comes down too is if YOU want to continue living YOUR life with someone that treats you like your A does???
There are people that can be viciously mean - but they are only that way when under the influence.
I also know a few people that get very friendly - but they are only this way when under the influence.
It is my thinking that for many people, their personalities and attitudes are changed when under the influence of mind-altering substances. Therefore, I guess I'm thinking that maybe the cheery, friendly, gracious man that you saw was the product of the man that was under the influence - and not who he really is.
That having been said, I'd like to just remind you that this man has had problems with his drinking before he ever even met you. Even upon seeking sobriety, it's a process and recovery doesn't happen overnight. If he's just "quit drinking" but is doing nothing to recover, than I suspect that his behavior is going to continue to be very sporadic and not very pleasant.
I remember that I used to be able to "Feel" when my XAH was about to begin drinking again. It's not something that I could explain, nor could I really point out the differences in his behavior before it happened (though I know many people here could tell when their A was about to drink by behavior changes).
I wonder if your A's abusive behavior is getting worse because he's craving the alcohol.
I don't have the answers, nor do I know what it's like to be an alcoholic. I can't really tell you why your A is acting the way he is.
What I have discovered for myself is there comes a point when I had to ask myself some really serious questions.
Do I deserve to be treated like this?
Is this the environment in which I want to raise my kids in and have them believe that this is "normal" and possibly continue this pattern in their own lives?
Am I really happy?
What changes can I make to make my own life better?
Am I willing to accept life (and my AH) just as it is right now?
There were many questions I began asking myself - and finding the answers were hard and painful.
I guess what it comes down too is if YOU want to continue living YOUR life with someone that treats you like your A does???
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
I am almost 3 months sober myself..but in recovery. Anyone who has relied on drinking for any length of time has a lot of work ahead of them when they sober up. Very recently I received some disturbing new and I really and truly thought I was having a nervous breakdown. I soon realized that I have no coping mechanisms..no emotional muscle whatsoever. Words cannot express the emotional stuff that rises to the surface when we sober up and without support...it would be pure hell. It's hell enough with support and understanding from my fellow alcoholics. We alcoholics drank through everything and real life and emotions has us completely stymied when facing it head on...we are adrift on an ocean of stormy emotional turmoil. The hard stuff begins when we quit drinking. This is the hardest work..the most emotionally harrowing painstaking process of my life and I am taking it one day at a time. If this man of yours is not working some sort of program of recovery...you are both in hell. I think Al Anon would be of tremendous benefit to you.
womanlyartsgoddess
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Nampa, Idaho
Posts: 16
Does abusive behavior mean he's inherently abusive?
Originally Posted by denny57 
Welcome, Marley, glad you're here
What you describe is also the typical behavior of an abusive man, alcohol or not. Nice long enough to hook you in. There are some great stickys at the top of the forum you could read about that.
Good luck and keep posting - look forward to getting to know you.
What you describe is also the typical behavior of an abusive man, alcohol or not. Nice long enough to hook you in. There are some great stickys at the top of the forum you could read about that.
Good luck and keep posting - look forward to getting to know you.
Thanks for the reply. I know that for one, his behavior is definately unacceptable, abusive, wrong. The thing I'm struggling with is whether this behavior means he's got a bad character. I'm open to the idea, and questioning it, hoping it's not true but not wanting to be in denial if it is. Do you think that there is any possibility that he is still a good man who is just mentally whacked because of this dry drunk stuff??? Besides dealing with the changes of a complete different lifestyle, he has had to deal with things that any man would be stressed out about.... wanting to fill a father roll, having to deal with the fact that my first love is still in the picture because of my child, working a 10 hour day & night school 2 days a week, my baggage and insecurities, his court stuff, my court stuff and custody issues that have still not been resolved, getting married (yes married after knowing each other 4 months).
My dad and stepmom know how he's changed and what he's done. They saw the way he treated before all this stress and hurt spiraled out of control. They have told me that he genuinely looked like he wanted to make me happy and loved my daughter. That he was sincerely concerned when emily cried and wanted to do everything to make her and myself happy.
I don't know..... I haven't been a saint either. I've told him he was a jerk, that I hated him.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Highlands, TX
Posts: 1,192
When you remove something (alcohol), you have to replace it with something (steps, recovery, therapy) or you end up empty (and dry).
I am a recovering alcoholic who has been sober for 2 and a half years. I am also a codie who divorced an A so I've been on both sides of the fence.
We are told in AA that drinking is but a symptom of our problem. Our problem is our inability to face and deal with life on life's terms. Without the steps I wouldn't know how to feel and live life (good, bad or ugly) without wanting to stuff everything deep down.
You can't control him or his alcoholism. He has to do that. He can either seek some form of recovery or continue to make himself and all those around him miserable until he a) grows sick enough of himself to do something about himself or b) crawls back into the bottle. This is just my opinion and something I've seen in the rooms of AA.
What you have total control over is whether or not you want to live like this and if you do, what boundaries you are going to need to put in place to be able to live and be happy IN SPITE of him.
My suggestions (which you can take or leave) is 1) get yourself into Al-Anon, 2) postpone marriage (it's much easier to cut your losses when you are not legally married) 3) set some boundaries about what you will and will not tolerate, verbarlize the boundaries and then stick to them.
My heart goes out to you and I wish you the best. It is not easy living with an alcoholic, believe me I know. I can also say that it was impossible for me to get sober and stay sober without putting something in the place of drinking. I tried it once and lasted 6 weeks and then almost drank myself to death for 4 months before finally making the commitment to do whatever it took to get sober. I had to hit a bottom and then stop digging.
Hang in there, educate yourself on alcoholism and seek face to face support for yourself as well as continue posting here!
Big hugs,
Kellye
I am a recovering alcoholic who has been sober for 2 and a half years. I am also a codie who divorced an A so I've been on both sides of the fence.
We are told in AA that drinking is but a symptom of our problem. Our problem is our inability to face and deal with life on life's terms. Without the steps I wouldn't know how to feel and live life (good, bad or ugly) without wanting to stuff everything deep down.
You can't control him or his alcoholism. He has to do that. He can either seek some form of recovery or continue to make himself and all those around him miserable until he a) grows sick enough of himself to do something about himself or b) crawls back into the bottle. This is just my opinion and something I've seen in the rooms of AA.
What you have total control over is whether or not you want to live like this and if you do, what boundaries you are going to need to put in place to be able to live and be happy IN SPITE of him.
My suggestions (which you can take or leave) is 1) get yourself into Al-Anon, 2) postpone marriage (it's much easier to cut your losses when you are not legally married) 3) set some boundaries about what you will and will not tolerate, verbarlize the boundaries and then stick to them.
My heart goes out to you and I wish you the best. It is not easy living with an alcoholic, believe me I know. I can also say that it was impossible for me to get sober and stay sober without putting something in the place of drinking. I tried it once and lasted 6 weeks and then almost drank myself to death for 4 months before finally making the commitment to do whatever it took to get sober. I had to hit a bottom and then stop digging.
Hang in there, educate yourself on alcoholism and seek face to face support for yourself as well as continue posting here!
Big hugs,
Kellye
womanlyartsgoddess
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Nampa, Idaho
Posts: 16
a good man... or not...
Originally Posted by StandingStrong
Therefore, I guess I'm thinking that maybe the cheery, friendly, gracious man that you saw was the product of the man that was under the influence - and not who he really is.
What I have discovered for myself is there comes a point when I had to ask myself some really serious questions.
Do I deserve to be treated like this?
Is this the environment in which I want to raise my kids in and have them believe that this is "normal" and possibly continue this pattern in their own lives?
Am I really happy?
What changes can I make to make my own life better?
Am I willing to accept life (and my AH) just as it is right now?
There were many questions I began asking myself - and finding the answers were hard and painful.
I guess what it comes down too is if YOU want to continue living YOUR life with someone that treats you like your A does???
What I have discovered for myself is there comes a point when I had to ask myself some really serious questions.
Do I deserve to be treated like this?
Is this the environment in which I want to raise my kids in and have them believe that this is "normal" and possibly continue this pattern in their own lives?
Am I really happy?
What changes can I make to make my own life better?
Am I willing to accept life (and my AH) just as it is right now?
There were many questions I began asking myself - and finding the answers were hard and painful.
I guess what it comes down too is if YOU want to continue living YOUR life with someone that treats you like your A does???
I'm the only woman that he's ever brought home to his parents or that he's ever had a long term relationship with. The only one that, according to his friends and family, that he has ever loved. He had never been vulnerable to a woman before, had never had to deal with that before.
We kind of jumped into the relationship. It was a whirlwind romance. We both fell for each other very hard (we met in may) and got married in October, planning an official wedding for when we could afford one. I had just broken up with my first love of 4 years (first sex, first love, and with a child together). I'm no longer in love with this man, but I know that Andy has had to struggle with the fact that this guy will always be a part of our lives because of the little girl we share.
I've been told by people who know him well, that when my H really cares about something, he tends to dive in with both feet and want to fix it. In my case, he wanted to rescue me from my ex (who was causing alot of problems by not giving me my things back, not paying child support, giving me guilt trips to reschedule visits last minute and rearrange my life for him, etc.). I don't blame him for having comtempt for this man. I can understand some insecurities there. However, he started taking it personally when I wasn't as harsh on my ex as he thought I should be and would say " you're choosing his feelings over mine" etc.
That's when we started having alot of our problems. He felt out of control like he wasn't able to protect me (I guess I did complain and vent to him alot about it and then got irritated with him when he got mad at me for not taking his advice). To him, it's really important to him to feel needed, like he's protecting me. So, when he started taking everything personally, I fought back because I didn't think it was fair that he was overstepping his boundaries and giving me guilt. I know he had alot of good intentions, but he was really unhealthy about the way he reacted when things didn't turn out how he thought they should.
In the beginning, I told Andy about how it was and he seemed to accept it. He almost immediately embraced a role as a father figure for my daughter and everyone was impressed with how loving and giving he was with both of us. He still is giving in some ways, despite his obvious depression and anger management problems. He works hard for me so I can stay at home with my daughter, and even though we don't have alot of money wanted me to be able to go to the chiropractor because I was in pain. It costs $80 a visit, I go 3 times a week (using a pettibon system so my back stays in place). Insurance only covers $300. I think that's pretty selfless and wonderful. It shows that he does want good for me. He got me a beautiful locket that says 'mom' and a bracelet that says "i love you' for Valentines day. IT seems like he wants to be good and treat me well, but just can't control himself now anger wise and is unreasonable and childish at times.
He has talked about just wanting to get away, get cancer, have a drink. He started chewing tobacco again (he's living with his brother who does that). IT's gross and really offends me because he told me he quit for me the day he met me because he wanted to be better for me and not turn me off. This either means that he feels like its useless because he's depressed or can't please me no matter what and has given up because of our constant fighting, or he just doesn't give a **** about impressing me.
In response to the questions you gave me to ask myself:
I know I don't deserve to be treated like this. I also know that I've reacted in unhealthy ways as well. There have been things I've done that hurt him too. I withdrew because I was scared of getting hurt again, and made him question my love. I called him a jerk, when he didn't really deserve it. I told him I hated him when he really was being a jerk. I threw my ring at him over something ridiculous. I've pushed and fought with him, even when he said for me to leave him alone because he couldn't handle it.
I know that my little girl comes first. The way things are, I can't allow him to be around my daughter. I know it's unhealthy, and I'm not going to let her be traumatized by being around a depressed, angry man in a stressful environment. We're living apart for the time being. When he gets help and shows improvement in thinking, attitude, anger management, coping skills and all, I'll consider it.
No. I am not happy right now. I have some hopelessness and some hope for it. I have to work on myself. He has to work on his issues. Our only hope is to get some couples counseling. I know that I have never loved or been happier than when I fell in love with him and who he was. I just hope that this person is not who he really is, but just what happens in combination with his personality and the illness. I take the vows of "in sickness and in health" seriously. I don't know... I just hope this is not who he really is.
I have to work on my hurtful behavior and become the woman that he fell in love with as well. I took him for granted sometimes, I got lazy, I quit treating him with admiration and affection, even when he was still wonderful to me. I have a part in what's happened. I have to work on setting boundaries, and work on being a more loving partner.
No, I am not willing to accept life with him as it is now. He needs serious help. I don't want to give up on him. I want to be sensitive, loving and supportive. But I'm not going to put up with abuse either. I also know that I haven't been a saint either and all I can do is work on myself and the way I interact with him. Easier said than done!
Anyway, any advice or constructive critisism is welcome.
Last edited by Marleyfloydbabe; 02-25-2007 at 10:12 PM.
womanlyartsgoddess
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Nampa, Idaho
Posts: 16
angel on my shoulder, thanks
Originally Posted by angelonmyshould
First question - Is he going to any support group? Are you?
A "dry drunk" is someone who has quit drinking but is not working a program to help him with his attitudes and new way of life.
Even after 2 years of being sober some of the old attitudes still come out but I have learned to ignore them when I know it is the Alcohloic speaking and not the man.
A "dry drunk" is someone who has quit drinking but is not working a program to help him with his attitudes and new way of life.
Even after 2 years of being sober some of the old attitudes still come out but I have learned to ignore them when I know it is the Alcohloic speaking and not the man.
Thank you so much for this. Could you expand a little on how his attitude was, how it has changed, and what still comes back? I really hope that it is the alcoholic speaking and not the man, like you said. This gives me alot of hope. From what you've read, does it sound like he's a "dry drunk"?
womanlyartsgoddess
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Nampa, Idaho
Posts: 16
dobiediva - He is getting help i hope
Originally Posted by dobiediva
Hi MFB. Welcome How long has it been since his last drink? And if he quit "for you" then that is where the resentment will come into play (even tho' it isn't logical). He can't possibly think it's "his" fault (even tho' it was his decision) when he did it "for you". They like to play the blame game and they are very good at it! When something comes between them and their addiction they tend to get an attitude. He needs to get some help or he will most likely go back to the bottle (if he hasn't already done so!)
How long has it been since his last drink? And if he quit "for you" then that is where the resentment will come into play (even tho' it isn't logical). He can't possibly think it's "his" fault (even tho' it was his decision) when he did it "for you". They like to play the blame game and they are very good at it! When something comes between them and their addiction they tend to get an attitude. He needs to get some help or he will most likely go back to the bottle (if he hasn't already done so!)We partied a little with some of his old friends for the first couple months or so together. He cut down considerably and didn't want to go hang out with friends we had who drank together. He would have a beer at the end of the day for a while. Then he decided to quit for good this fall sometime (Sept? maybe) because he was on probation. He didn't want to risk the consequenses of drinking. He admitted that he might be addicted. I still drink a glass of wine here and there, so I wonder if he resents me.
He has gotten some help. He has a therapists... alot of good its doing (*sarcastic note insterted here*)! We were planning on going to get couples counseling with a paster who has professional training willing to do it for free but haven't gone yet. He tried to commit suicide earlier this week on tuesday and is in psichiatric holding. I believe that he's getting some help there (he is still there) and will be getting a sponsor and hopefully going to AA and Anger management!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,351
Welcome--from frixxy---My friends husband was an alcoholic and one of the sweetest men--gave her everything-was always happy and functioning at a great job....once he stopped drinking--he was totally different-a miser-a complainer-very anal--and he has stayed that way for years....she liked him better drunk---go figure???
womanlyartsgoddess
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Nampa, Idaho
Posts: 16
oh no!
Originally Posted by frizzylynn
Welcome--from frixxy---My friends husband was an alcoholic and one of the sweetest men--gave her everything-was always happy and functioning at a great job....once he stopped drinking--he was totally different-a miser-a complainer-very anal--and he has stayed that way for years....she liked him better drunk---go figure???
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: San Francisco, CA
Posts: 491
Getting off chemical dependancy is really hard, it is as if society said to you you were only allowed to eat bread and water from now on. You would probably be easily irritated and get jealous when you see everyone else feasting on fine dining and smiling and laughing and wonder why you cant eat and drink like that.
But its more then just irritability, there body is chemically dependant on the drugs and to take it away will cause a great deal of readjustments. It took a very long time to get to his state, (how long has he been an alcoholic? 10 years or more maybe? often times it starts round 15/16 years old). It will take a long time to get back into reality the sober way.
The change will not be pretty no matter how you look at it, wishful thinking will most likly be disappointing, the move to become sober is ideal, but the chnage will not be a flip of a switch, it is a beginning to a long and hard journey. Very well worth it in the end if sobierty can be maintained, but it took a while to get to such a bad state, it will take a while to get out of it.
I've been where you are, I feel and share your pains, and best wishes to you always.
This site helped me if your interested:
http://alcoholism.about.com
SoberRecovery.com saved my life... best place ever, hope you visit often.
But its more then just irritability, there body is chemically dependant on the drugs and to take it away will cause a great deal of readjustments. It took a very long time to get to his state, (how long has he been an alcoholic? 10 years or more maybe? often times it starts round 15/16 years old). It will take a long time to get back into reality the sober way.
The change will not be pretty no matter how you look at it, wishful thinking will most likly be disappointing, the move to become sober is ideal, but the chnage will not be a flip of a switch, it is a beginning to a long and hard journey. Very well worth it in the end if sobierty can be maintained, but it took a while to get to such a bad state, it will take a while to get out of it.
I've been where you are, I feel and share your pains, and best wishes to you always.
This site helped me if your interested:
http://alcoholism.about.com
SoberRecovery.com saved my life... best place ever, hope you visit often.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Dixie
Posts: 612
Originally Posted by Marleyfloydbabe
Has he gotten better at all? Why do you think is still like that?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Dixie
Posts: 612
Marley, if I may... the following excerpt is from the AA Big Book, Chapter 8, To Wives:
"The slightest sign of fear or intolerance may lessen your husband's chance of recovery. In a weak moment he may take your dislike of his high-stepping friends as one of those insanely trivial excuses to drink."
"We never, never try to arrange a man's life so as to shield him from temptation. The slightest disposition on your part to guide his appointments or his affairs so he will not be tempted will be noticed. Make him feel absolutely free to come and go as he likes. This is important. If he gets drunk, don't blame yourself. God has either removed your husband's liquor problem or He has not. ***"
"The slightest sign of fear or intolerance may lessen your husband's chance of recovery. In a weak moment he may take your dislike of his high-stepping friends as one of those insanely trivial excuses to drink."
"We never, never try to arrange a man's life so as to shield him from temptation. The slightest disposition on your part to guide his appointments or his affairs so he will not be tempted will be noticed. Make him feel absolutely free to come and go as he likes. This is important. If he gets drunk, don't blame yourself. God has either removed your husband's liquor problem or He has not. ***"
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
