historyteach

Ok, many of you know me from narnon. My son is a junkie.

Well, my sister is an alcoholic; indeed, maybe two of them are. Hell, maybe all three are! And I've openly admitted that I can abuse drinking.

But, now, my mom is dying and the crisis is coming to a head. Until now, it's been an open secret in the family. It wasn't effecting anything so, everyone looked the other way, shaking our heads for sure, but, looked the other way.

C will drink until she cannot stand up. She drinks until she passes out. And this happens regularly.

She has taken a stress leave to stay with my mother for six weeks. It isn't working. She's overloaded and NOT dealing with it. She's irrational, yelling and trying to control the universe, including my mother's passing experience. (To be clear, it is possible that my mom will die any time she has another heart "episode" or, she could hang on another ten years. And my sister's behavior is only making the entire thing worse!)

C has been on screaming fits. She's told one sister she will no longer speak to her cuz that sister isn't doing what she wants her to do.

With me, in the past two weeks, she's changed my schedule to be with mom THREE TIMES. To make matters worse, she hasn't TOLD me about these chagnges!

I've been asking her since the summer time to be more communicative. That's all it takes is communication. She goes into a hissy fit about how she doesn't do email, (which she does), and I can call if I want to know information! (Like I'm a mind reader, here; not to mention my two surgeries and pnemonia and lung infection *I"VE* dealt with since this summer. Oh, and moving too. Oh, and the theif who robbed me living right behind me cuz my crazy a** neighbor took him in!

Recently, I asked why she changed the schedule, (without telling me), and she just started yelling how she will NOT talk to me about it!

Today, she did the same. I called her. She hung up!

I emailed my family and said I will have nothing to do with her anymore. That necessitates that I will no longer spend an overnight with my mom. No one but C and I have ever done it; I did it all summer, C has done it two weeks now.

I laid out the fact that I have set my boundary; described to my siblings what her behavior has been; have previously let one brother and her husband know my very real concerns about her, (she's over whelmed and NOT dealing with it; not taking care of herself; and taking it out on myself and others.)

But, this all means that I will only visit my mom -- like all the others in the family. And I feel like I've let mom down, but, the truth is, it's too much for any of us.

I was going to move in when C left; work during the day and be there at night. But, we have to get up when she has to go to the bathroom. Last Saturday it was FOUR TIMES! I will NOT be able to work all day and do that all night! So, it's really beyond our capabilities. And as I said, C wants to control the universe, including mom's demise and who does what when!

Do you think I was out of line laying that boundary?
It really effects mom, though it's aimed at my sister's inappropriate behavior to me.

Help... this is new, but, it's not too...

Shalom!

FormerDoormat

I don't think you're out of line. But I'm wondering why must you schedule your visits through your sister. Why do you take orders from her? Perhaps it's time to look into an assisted living facility for your mother.

Anna

Wow Teach, that is an unbelievable situation. I agree with you, that you and your family are attempting to do is too much. I am so sorry that things are going badly with your sister and I think your boundaries are really good. The boundary is about you taking care of yourself. It will let your sister see that she cannot treat you the way she has been, and unfortunately it was affect your mother, but hopefully the situation will change and a different living arrangement can be found. You have been through a lot and you need to look after yourself.

historyteach

Hi, Former;
My mom is far beyond assisted living facilities. She's been in a nursing home rehab for a long time, and wanted to come home. We had a big family meeting, and decided that we would do whatever we could. That's when sis took the stress leave for six weeks to stay with her ; And I said I would move in after that leave was over. Daytime coverage was supposed to be all set up with sis in the interum. Sounded like a plan.

But, mom fell in the middle of the night. And can no longer get up without assistance. Sister has no solid sleep. It's too much.

I don't schedule my visits through her. I said I would go Saturday after services, and stay overnight. Then, I was to leave by noon Sunday, so I could do grocery shopping, laundry, house cleaning and plan for my students lessons the next day. Then start the week over again. I knoew it would be tough, but, I could deal with it. UNTIL it was determined that mom couldn't get up at night without assistance. That changed the entire situation!

But, my sister has CHANGED my time three times in the last two weeks. And NOT TOLD ME! I've found out from others!
And that is NOT alright with me.
I have very little life, and she's not going to determine when I do what, when! I won't accept it. And I won't accept her abusive behavior as she TRIES to do so.

Thanks, Anna!
I appreciate your perspective. I was worried because my boundary with my sister IS affecting my mom, and that doesn't seem fair.

But, it really is too much. I can't work all day and be up all night. It's not reasonable. I feel really bad, and I'm going to have to talk to mom. Not sure how to do that....

I love my sister. BUt, I can't control what she's doing. I've done my best by talking to her husband, and he has his head in the sand. I can't change him either. Things are really bad...

I appreciate your help, folks. If anyone has other thoughts, please let me know.

Shalom!

Ann

Teach, I also had to make many adjustments with my own mother before she died, and from experience I can tell you that this is more than you or your sister can handle. As much as we love our mothers, sometimes what we would like to do and what we are capable of doing are two different things.

My thoughts are to look at alternative care. She may need a nursing home again, even if that's not her preference. Or homecare by a professional.

Instead of trying to fix what clearly will not work (oh, aren't we good at that)...I think it's time to find good care for her, even if it doesn't fit everyone's wishes.

Hugs

historyteach

Ann,
May I ask...how did you tell your mom that you couldn't do what was expected? Or wanted?

Mom asked me today to give my sister a break during the week.
I spoke to her and told her by the time I got out of work, and drove to Newport, I would only be able to give an hour or so, and then turn back to go home. And I wound't be able to do any school work, let alone my classes I take, ( a reader's writer's workshop - required by school and Hebrew that I want to take, but, serves as PD to keep my certification which I'm required to do! I already dropped my bat Mitzvah class when I got pnemonia and the lung infection.) I explained that I would be of NO help and that those who LIVE in Newport have to do that type of thing.

So, she has unrealistic expectations; C does too, only different. And I'm just trying to get on. And Trevor's getting out of prison soon to boot! HA!
Anyone want my life?
I don't


Shalom!

Ann

I managed this with the help of mom's doctor. He was good enough to suggest to her that she needed professional assistance and that she should try this for a while. "Doctor's orders" got through to her more than trying to negotiate. And my mother knew that physically I was not able to give her the care she needed.

It really ate at me to have to do this. I promised my mother years before that I would never put her in a nursing home, and yet I had to. I was lucky to find one that gave wonderful care and where I could drop in any time of the day and find it in perfect order and clean and my mother well looked after.

I was lucky also that my mother was very easy to get along with, she rarely complained and always saw the best side of everything. I visited every day (it was near me) and my brother came every Sunday and took her for a drive and lunch and out for a walk in her wheelchair if the weather was nice.

It wasn't what I had hoped my mother's last days would be, Teach, but it was what had to be so we just made the very best of it and tried to keep her comfortable and happy.

It won't be easy, Teach, your mom sounds like she may put up resistance, but if her doctor will help and insist, it may be easier on everyone.

My heart goes out to you. It's been several years since my mother passed, but I truly remember how hard this all was.

Hugs

historyteach

That is a good idea, soliciting the doctor's help.

My sister and mother will put up a resistance, but, sis is isolating herself with her behavior and will find she cannot do this by herself.

My mom, well, it will be difficult...but, I don't think I'll be alone. The others in the family who are not taking part in her care, (other than visits), will understand and support this idea, especially if the doctor agrees.

Thank you for your help and understanding. I'm hearing you...

Shalom!

BigSis

I am missing something, Teach. What "happens" when sis changes when you go to mom's?

If you are supposed to go Friday night and you get there and "your turn" is changed, can't you just stay anyway? If C is there and not getting her break, that is her choice, I suppose.

But if you are supposed to leave on Saturday at 3 and sis isn't there to cover, then that, of course, won't work.

I think bringing in a paid caregiver sounds like a great idea... with some sort of inpatient care as a last resort. It may be the only idea that will leave everyone sane.

We have multiple levels here in Washington state... most referred to as "assisted living" with only the hospital level care called "nursing home". I don't have any idea of the cost or whether they are under insurance coverage. But some consideration needs to go to the "cost" of the care that mom desires. I doubt she would want that level of care if it means the breakup ... or breakdown of the family.

Tough times, teach... prayers on the way. (((Teach)))

historyteach

I had agreed to go on Sat afternoon, after services, and leave Sun @ noon, so I could take care of my own personal obligations, (laundry, shopping etc and planning student classes for the week).

This past week, I was *told* I would be there on Tues and Wed. That's when she had a hissy fit and refused to speak to me about it. Later on, after she spoke to my brother, (I had left the room rather than kill her in front of my mother!), she again changed it to the weekend. Then, I got a call from my mom on Wed. Then, yesterday, she told me I would be there today until late afternoon. That's when I called. She hung up. She had concocted an entire story to my brother how I agreed to do this with my nephew and my BIL! She hung up when I brought this up.

The point is, she is *telling* me when I will be available, without consulting me at all! And then, refusing to let me have MY say over MY life.
It doesn't work that way with me anymore. I've said when I'm available and she's ignoring it. So, I dropped out of the entire situation. Now, she can deal with it all by herself. She wants to be the perfect daughter, now's her time to shine!

Mom is far to debilitated for what's called assisted living here in RI. She needs 24/7 care and cannot be alone at all. She needs to go back to the nursing home, and now, I'm not going to enable her or my sister any longer. I can't. It's not healthy for any of us. It's sad that it's come down to this but, it has.

I heard from one of my brothers. He's supportive and is calling another family meeting to discuss this. Mom's been home less than two weeks and has been hospitalized twice on top of every thing else. Enough is enough. I suppose there will be some grumbling, but, since C and I are the ONLY one's who ever spent a night caring for mom, I honestly don't care what they have to say.

Mom needs more than we can give; I am admiting my own powerlessness over her life. It's time the others do too.

Thanks for your concerns.

Shalom!

BigSis

(((Teach))) You are doing the right thing... know you are in my prayers.

cmc

Hi Teach,
If I'm right- your sister is staying in your mom's home? If so, you might want to consider what we did with my dad. We had a choice to put him in a facility or to hire an aide to stay with him. The home care service we used gave us choices of having 3 different shifts with the same people coming each shift, or to have the same person just move into the spare room. We chose the latter. We loved her, she was a 2nd mom to us all and stayed on until he passed away. We also had my dad's neighbors keep an eye out on things when we were not there.

It turned out to cost the same as putting him in a facility and we could come and go as we pleased, either to help or just come and visit. One of us was there every weekend and often during the week- we just had to wing it with scheduling and our own jobs/families.

This all worked well for him since the 3 of us lived in different parts of the country, me being the closest. If we needed to come when another was visiting- we could do so, but one would have to stay in a hotel ( or sleep on the floor ). This way there were no scheduling issues or somebody telling someone else they could not come to see dad.

If the home is not mom's maybe move her to another sibling's home and hire out the help. Your sister is not capable to do this... not to mention her drinking.

You have to sleep and have time to yourself when caring for another- for one person to do it all is not going to work, whether a drinker or not. My fil tried and I finally convinced him to hire someone to come in. He never could adjust to having a stranger in his home and ended up firing her and having a relative move in until they were ready for hospice to send out their people.

I am for keeping the person in the home if it's possible- it makes it easier for visits and alot of other issues, but if your sisters and brothers cannot get along and work together to manage her care- putting mom in a facility may be the best thing for everybody, including your mom- plus if her mom's needs change she may just need the care in a facility anyway...

I'm so sorry this has been so stressful- I've been there too with another of my relatives, who went to assisted living and moved into the next phase and then moved to a hospice facility the week she died. There are so many things to think of and do- and it's hard when people won't cooperate.

I hope you can keep some peace about you!
hugs and Shalom,
cmc
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****{Teach's mom}}}