Not so consistent
it is what it is...
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: USA
Posts: 179
Not so consistent
This is hard business for me. I know I need to be here and time is so hard to find to dedicate to it. It seems like all I do is work and more computer at home doesn't sound all that fun to me. But here I am anyway. I'll share my long story in entirety sometime but not today. I've got more work to do here at home but I did take this time for myself.
My A was shipped from county jail to prison last week. When I told my friend and co-worker about it she so quickly asked me "are you OK?'. I giggled and said Yeah. Like, why wouldn't I be. It didn't really phase me. It is so commonplace with him anymore to be in and out of my life. It mostly rolls of my back and I am very independent anyway and he hasn't lived with me for the last year (since the last time he got out of jail). Then I did thank her for asking because a normal person would be upset about something like that. I guess that was about 8 days ago and it is finally sinking in that he won't be out in 6-8 months this time like usual. It may be up to 5 years this time. It is starting to hurt and I am mad about it. I am mad that I care and mad that I miss him. He has become a mean hateful and hurtful person. But I still get to see the good side of him that he used to be and can hopefully be again someday. I really see that person now (when i get to talk to him). Is he being that person so he can use me? Use me for support, a comfort, some hope. Or does he really love me? Can he give me the love I deserve? The kind he talks about that he wishes he had been better about in the past. The kind he describes as unconditional, steady, constant and understanding? Is he really the person he used to be that has been buried in alcohol for so long? Can he stay that way if he chooses to be sober when he ever gets out? I know he is an ass sometimes anyway but we can all be. In fact, that is what used to come up on my cell phone when he called. He is the ass and I am the asswipe because I clean up his messes. We used to giggle about that. Isn’t that sad. I am just sad today and lonely. I have my friends and family and my animals but I miss him. I miss his smell and his hands and his eyes and his hugs. I hate it and I should just forget about ever being close to him again but I can’t. I feel like I have loved him so long that maybe this time he will fix himself and I want to be there to enjoy it too. I had a friend that was consumed with drugs and alcohol and to make a long story short, he went to jail, got deported (he had been raised here but had dual citizenship with France) and was sent there to live with his grandma, learn the language and live. He was 24 years old. If anyone had a reason to stay in his usual “normal” lifestyle, it was him. His daughter and friends and family were here. How hopeless would you feel? And he did fall into it for a while and finally he pulled himself up and now he is clean and sober. He doesn’t even smoke cigarettes anymore. He attributed my love and understanding to him through all his crap to a good part of his reason for recovery. And I was only his friend!! I cried when he told me that. I guess I am hoping for that with my A. Am I silly to hope? It seems like everyone else has given up on him. Should I? Can I? What about me? Should I write him and tell him how mad and angry I am? I couldn’t when he was here and drinking. Now that he is in jail and sober should I use this opportunity to tell him how I feel? Why do I still care? Good Lord – listen to me. I am type-yelling. Any feedback is welcome. Thank you for taking that time. I appreciate you all. !!!!!! B
My A was shipped from county jail to prison last week. When I told my friend and co-worker about it she so quickly asked me "are you OK?'. I giggled and said Yeah. Like, why wouldn't I be. It didn't really phase me. It is so commonplace with him anymore to be in and out of my life. It mostly rolls of my back and I am very independent anyway and he hasn't lived with me for the last year (since the last time he got out of jail). Then I did thank her for asking because a normal person would be upset about something like that. I guess that was about 8 days ago and it is finally sinking in that he won't be out in 6-8 months this time like usual. It may be up to 5 years this time. It is starting to hurt and I am mad about it. I am mad that I care and mad that I miss him. He has become a mean hateful and hurtful person. But I still get to see the good side of him that he used to be and can hopefully be again someday. I really see that person now (when i get to talk to him). Is he being that person so he can use me? Use me for support, a comfort, some hope. Or does he really love me? Can he give me the love I deserve? The kind he talks about that he wishes he had been better about in the past. The kind he describes as unconditional, steady, constant and understanding? Is he really the person he used to be that has been buried in alcohol for so long? Can he stay that way if he chooses to be sober when he ever gets out? I know he is an ass sometimes anyway but we can all be. In fact, that is what used to come up on my cell phone when he called. He is the ass and I am the asswipe because I clean up his messes. We used to giggle about that. Isn’t that sad. I am just sad today and lonely. I have my friends and family and my animals but I miss him. I miss his smell and his hands and his eyes and his hugs. I hate it and I should just forget about ever being close to him again but I can’t. I feel like I have loved him so long that maybe this time he will fix himself and I want to be there to enjoy it too. I had a friend that was consumed with drugs and alcohol and to make a long story short, he went to jail, got deported (he had been raised here but had dual citizenship with France) and was sent there to live with his grandma, learn the language and live. He was 24 years old. If anyone had a reason to stay in his usual “normal” lifestyle, it was him. His daughter and friends and family were here. How hopeless would you feel? And he did fall into it for a while and finally he pulled himself up and now he is clean and sober. He doesn’t even smoke cigarettes anymore. He attributed my love and understanding to him through all his crap to a good part of his reason for recovery. And I was only his friend!! I cried when he told me that. I guess I am hoping for that with my A. Am I silly to hope? It seems like everyone else has given up on him. Should I? Can I? What about me? Should I write him and tell him how mad and angry I am? I couldn’t when he was here and drinking. Now that he is in jail and sober should I use this opportunity to tell him how I feel? Why do I still care? Good Lord – listen to me. I am type-yelling. Any feedback is welcome. Thank you for taking that time. I appreciate you all. !!!!!! B
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Central Coast, CA
Posts: 77
Remembering them
Hi Bjen,
It is really hard when we remember how great they were when they were not controlled by this disease. It sounds like you are greiving your relationship with him, or maybe your hopes and dreams. I'm almost there too - greiving the hopes and dreams part.
I have a friend who, when she divorced years ago, looked for a husband to take care of her and her 3 kids. I could not believe the audacity (because I am so independant) of someone to actually expect some man to come along and 100% take care of her and her 3 kids. 2 years later, she did marry someone to do just that. It's been about 8 years and she is probably the most over-the-top materialized person I know. She and her husband have kept adding onto their already big house and now have a huge house that's decorated to the 9's with a big ole custom pool (and huge custom boobs to go with it), a Cadillac Escalade and a BMW convertible parked out front for just her - not counting all the other cars for the teenagers, her husband and the quarter-midget go-cart thingies for the boys.
Outside of my initial barf reflex, I realize that she has these things and the life she has because she _expects them and settles for nothing less_. I love hearing from her (she is a delightful "sea otter" type person in many respects) partly because it reminds me that if I absolutely expect certain treatment and will accept nothing less, it is much more likely that I'll have those results. I'm not as materialistic and don't care about the status symbols so much, but there are things that are important to me, such as a meaningful relationship and partnership with my husband.
If she is worth it just because she says so, so am I, because I say so. And so are you.
There is good in them. They chose - by their actions - the consequences that they are now facing. If they choose - by their actions - recovery, my dad would say "We'll cross that bridge when we come to it." We all have to decide for ourselves, I suppose, what we are willing to live with or not.
It is really hard when we remember how great they were when they were not controlled by this disease. It sounds like you are greiving your relationship with him, or maybe your hopes and dreams. I'm almost there too - greiving the hopes and dreams part.
I have a friend who, when she divorced years ago, looked for a husband to take care of her and her 3 kids. I could not believe the audacity (because I am so independant) of someone to actually expect some man to come along and 100% take care of her and her 3 kids. 2 years later, she did marry someone to do just that. It's been about 8 years and she is probably the most over-the-top materialized person I know. She and her husband have kept adding onto their already big house and now have a huge house that's decorated to the 9's with a big ole custom pool (and huge custom boobs to go with it), a Cadillac Escalade and a BMW convertible parked out front for just her - not counting all the other cars for the teenagers, her husband and the quarter-midget go-cart thingies for the boys.
Outside of my initial barf reflex, I realize that she has these things and the life she has because she _expects them and settles for nothing less_. I love hearing from her (she is a delightful "sea otter" type person in many respects) partly because it reminds me that if I absolutely expect certain treatment and will accept nothing less, it is much more likely that I'll have those results. I'm not as materialistic and don't care about the status symbols so much, but there are things that are important to me, such as a meaningful relationship and partnership with my husband.
If she is worth it just because she says so, so am I, because I say so. And so are you.
There is good in them. They chose - by their actions - the consequences that they are now facing. If they choose - by their actions - recovery, my dad would say "We'll cross that bridge when we come to it." We all have to decide for ourselves, I suppose, what we are willing to live with or not.
Getting out of my own way!
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Looking for a place to turn around
Posts: 257
I can understand your feelings...maybe you should journal and write about them. But remebr...WE tend to glamorize the good and forget the bad times...we push those bad thoughts right away with the "how good it was" ones....
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Dixie
Posts: 612
I don't think you are silly at all for hoping. I think most of us here "hope." And I do believe that he loves you and is sorry for how he has hurt you and ruined your lives. My AH's counselors told me how remorseful mine was during his sessions. That he cried constantly about the pain he had brought to me. Remove the alcohol (or other drug) and they actually ARE real people with real emotions. Your AH's confinement could be his saving grace. He now has plenty of time to face his demons without any outside interference or enabling.
I'm sorry you are feeling so alone and missing him. Things will get better for both of you over time. I believe that we are no place in life by accident. Have faith.
I'm sorry you are feeling so alone and missing him. Things will get better for both of you over time. I believe that we are no place in life by accident. Have faith.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
I read your other posts on the forum. I replied to this one and my thoughts still remain the same.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...f-my-life.html
You are looking at him being gone anywhere from 6 months to 5 years! That is a long time. Please click on the link which will take you to your previous post (as well as my reply).
As much as it pains you, you can't change him or rely on your life to be a certain way because of him. It's time to really focus on you, what you want out of your life, etc. This recovery is about you and for you.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...f-my-life.html
You are looking at him being gone anywhere from 6 months to 5 years! That is a long time. Please click on the link which will take you to your previous post (as well as my reply).
As much as it pains you, you can't change him or rely on your life to be a certain way because of him. It's time to really focus on you, what you want out of your life, etc. This recovery is about you and for you.
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