AH just called.........
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Santa Rosa, CA
Posts: 34
AH just called.........
Last weekend my AH and I went to the movies and dinner (we are separated) with me trying to practice powerlessness and just go out and have a nice time. I made it perfectly clear (or so I thought) before we left my house that I wanted our "date" to be neutral. He of course couldn't understand what I was talking about - he had just come off a relapse and hadn't admitted it. I told him that if I started talking about what was wrong (his relapse) he wouldn't want to go out and neither would I. The anger is so easily triggered.
I did really well. I didn't bring up his drinking, sobriety, program. Nothing - just very neutral. Well, he tried to violate this boundry I thought was clear by putting his hand on my knee during the movie and asking me if I wanted to go back to the house and fool around. WTF????
Well, as I could have predicted from the moment I said I wanted things neutral, he started drinking again Sunday. This one lasted about 5 days. He called me at work (drunk) to tell me how much he loved me, how I am the most important person in his life, how lucky he is to have someone like me in his life. I said, thank you, I love you, too. Period. Nothing about him being drunk, etc. I got off the phone as politely as I could. He called me at home the next morning saying pretty much the same stuff, either drunk or leftover from the previous day's drinking - he sounded drunk. Same thing, "thank you" gotta get ready for work, bye. Calls me at night Wednesday, same thing, thank you, talk to you later.
He must have stopped drinking last night (based on his creature of habit/opening the emails after not doing it while drinking) and he calls me at work today and asked if I wanted to do something this weekend. I said I was taking a sewing class (I am) and besides, I didn't want to see him so soon after his drinking again.
TOTAL DENIAL -" what are you talking about. Just because I call you up and tell you nice things you think I've been drinking?" No, dear, it has nothing to do with what you say, it's how you sound while you're saying it. I say that his denial was going to kill him. He was totally indignant and self-righteous. I told him maybe next weekend. But, if he ever called me again, drunk, it had better be to ask for help getting to rehab or detox or I would hang up. I DO NOT want to hear from you when you are drinking.
I know I am dealing with a sick, sick, man. But his denial is so frustrating. I just want to beat it into him. But, only he can do this for himself. I am powerless over his drinking and his recovery (or extreme lack thereof). I know this. I have to accept this. But it so damn sad.
Thanks for listening.
Karen
I did really well. I didn't bring up his drinking, sobriety, program. Nothing - just very neutral. Well, he tried to violate this boundry I thought was clear by putting his hand on my knee during the movie and asking me if I wanted to go back to the house and fool around. WTF????
Well, as I could have predicted from the moment I said I wanted things neutral, he started drinking again Sunday. This one lasted about 5 days. He called me at work (drunk) to tell me how much he loved me, how I am the most important person in his life, how lucky he is to have someone like me in his life. I said, thank you, I love you, too. Period. Nothing about him being drunk, etc. I got off the phone as politely as I could. He called me at home the next morning saying pretty much the same stuff, either drunk or leftover from the previous day's drinking - he sounded drunk. Same thing, "thank you" gotta get ready for work, bye. Calls me at night Wednesday, same thing, thank you, talk to you later.
He must have stopped drinking last night (based on his creature of habit/opening the emails after not doing it while drinking) and he calls me at work today and asked if I wanted to do something this weekend. I said I was taking a sewing class (I am) and besides, I didn't want to see him so soon after his drinking again.
TOTAL DENIAL -" what are you talking about. Just because I call you up and tell you nice things you think I've been drinking?" No, dear, it has nothing to do with what you say, it's how you sound while you're saying it. I say that his denial was going to kill him. He was totally indignant and self-righteous. I told him maybe next weekend. But, if he ever called me again, drunk, it had better be to ask for help getting to rehab or detox or I would hang up. I DO NOT want to hear from you when you are drinking.
I know I am dealing with a sick, sick, man. But his denial is so frustrating. I just want to beat it into him. But, only he can do this for himself. I am powerless over his drinking and his recovery (or extreme lack thereof). I know this. I have to accept this. But it so damn sad.
Thanks for listening.
Karen
Recovering Nicely
Join Date: Aug 2006
Posts: 935
Karen,
I must ask, how do you deal with him calling you at work drunk? I get actually sick to my stomach when I know my AH is on a bender and calls me at work drunk and all my co-workers know. How do you get over that sick feeling that if you don't take his calls he may come to your job actually drunk?
QT
I must ask, how do you deal with him calling you at work drunk? I get actually sick to my stomach when I know my AH is on a bender and calls me at work drunk and all my co-workers know. How do you get over that sick feeling that if you don't take his calls he may come to your job actually drunk?
QT
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Santa Rosa, CA
Posts: 34
It bothers me a lot that he calls me at work, but I know I can't stop him from doing it. Fortunately, the lady that answers the phone knows my situation and has a lot of experience with alcoholic/addict family members. We have a "code" when he calls and is under the influence. She changes the way she says, "Karen, you have a call on line one". It gives me a heads up and takes away the element of surprise that can set me off course.
If he showed up here drunk I would call the police and have him arrested for DUI. Thankfully, that has not happed here at work, but I have done it from home if I know he's driving under the influence.
I just remain as calm as I can and try not to engage him too much in a conversation -and get off the phone as fast as I can without chancing him calling back pissed off. Now, after he stops drinking, I lose it a bit and think that he will be somewhat rational, but today just reaffirmed that he is sick in his disease of denial and is NOT ready to get any kind of help.
Karen
If he showed up here drunk I would call the police and have him arrested for DUI. Thankfully, that has not happed here at work, but I have done it from home if I know he's driving under the influence.
I just remain as calm as I can and try not to engage him too much in a conversation -and get off the phone as fast as I can without chancing him calling back pissed off. Now, after he stops drinking, I lose it a bit and think that he will be somewhat rational, but today just reaffirmed that he is sick in his disease of denial and is NOT ready to get any kind of help.
Karen
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Dixie
Posts: 612
I know you've posted before that you call the police when you know he is driving drunk. How many times has he been arrested for DUI as a result of these calls you've made?
Sounds like you're doing good. Hang in there.
Sounds like you're doing good. Hang in there.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Santa Rosa, CA
Posts: 34
hope2b,
Everytime I've called, they have managed to miss him, although to their credit, our police dept does respond fairly quickly and had his car listed with an apb for the day.
The closest he came to a dui was when they arrested him outside our front door for drunk in public. He opted for the detox center in lieu of jail, but that didn't last very long (his recovery).
Last October I got a call from my neighbor while I was at work that my AH was passed out in his car in our driveway, half in the street, half in the driveway. I called the police and met them at my house. They wanted to get him for a dui because his keys were in the ignition, but because the car was not running, the DA didn't think the charge would stick, so they arrested him for another drunk in public and hauled him off to jail. That resulted in another slap on the wrist and a fine, BFD, but the only thing a DUI would have done is cost him more money and his license, which he probably would have ignored and driven anyway.
If he were to lose his license and drive and I knew it, I think I would call the police. The alcoholic seems to be impervious to consequenses and how it applies to them. I don't want to be the police for him but I can't condone that kind of behavior, it would make feel as complicit as him.
Karen
Everytime I've called, they have managed to miss him, although to their credit, our police dept does respond fairly quickly and had his car listed with an apb for the day.
The closest he came to a dui was when they arrested him outside our front door for drunk in public. He opted for the detox center in lieu of jail, but that didn't last very long (his recovery).
Last October I got a call from my neighbor while I was at work that my AH was passed out in his car in our driveway, half in the street, half in the driveway. I called the police and met them at my house. They wanted to get him for a dui because his keys were in the ignition, but because the car was not running, the DA didn't think the charge would stick, so they arrested him for another drunk in public and hauled him off to jail. That resulted in another slap on the wrist and a fine, BFD, but the only thing a DUI would have done is cost him more money and his license, which he probably would have ignored and driven anyway.
If he were to lose his license and drive and I knew it, I think I would call the police. The alcoholic seems to be impervious to consequenses and how it applies to them. I don't want to be the police for him but I can't condone that kind of behavior, it would make feel as complicit as him.
Karen
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Dixie
Posts: 612
Yeah... mine lost his license after a DUI, but he just drove anyway. I truly believe there is a higher power protecting everyone. I wish that all states would mandate breathalizers on the ignitions of those who have previously been arrested. I know that no plan is fool proof, but it just makes sense to me that most A's would then be sitting in a parking lot as opposed to driving around on our highways. Not being able to start their cars might go a long way in making them recognize and accept their problem. Don't cha think?
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