queenteree

I know my recovery is about me and I make that a priority most of the time, but today I'm not a happy camper. My AH has alcoholic liver disease diagnosed by biopsy two weeks ago. The exact stage we wont' find out until his follow up in three weeks. Anyway, who cares about that, certainly not me, especially now. AH has always been a binge drinker but lately it's an everyday thing (some days more than others). It's more time drunk than somewhat sober and isn't concerned about his health issues at all (thinks he's only got a fatty liver). Anyway, that's his problem. I set boundaries when he's drunk, he usually follows them, but last night I let him sleep in the bed when he was drunk - needless to say, I certainly didn't get a good night's sleep. I don't know why I didn't protect my boundaries, but you get bet tonite I will. Anyway, I was doing really well with detaching and boundaries and all, and his drinking was not getting to me. In the last past week or so, it really has again. I just can't take him and I find myself going backwards in my recovery. I find myself wishing that his liver disease would just kill him now and/or that he would lose his job (he drinks at work) or get a DWI (he drinks and drives. He thinks he's invincible, and I'm beginning to think he is too, and it's getting me depressed. I was way past that, and I just don't understand why I feel this way. Any input would be appreciated.

WantsOut

Hi QT - what's your overall plan? Are you planning to stick it out with him? Wait and see? Not sure?

I know how you feel - my exAH is awaiting sentencing for DWI. I don't know what outcome to pray for ... it's a hard life for us sometimes. Very confusing. This disease is so cruel - it robs us of our normal compassion and humanity because those things make it worse, not better. It's bizzaro world over here

LiLL

**{queenteree}} i don't really know what i can say to help, except that i know what you're feeling. we all have emotions and it's hard not to care and sometimes our feelings are all mixed up. you're human and you're just normal.
i guess when the A's desease progresses or when his/her drinking pattern changes, it could be harder for us to deal with, at least for a while.

queenteree

WantsOut,
Sure is a bizzaro world for us. My plan was to wait it out and stick with him till the end (figuring he had like 5 years tops and honestly thinking he had cirrhosis because he has like all the symptoms) because I do care for him, he's been a good father and husband thru his sober years, etc. and I don't want him to die alone, but I think what got me depressed is not knowing the exact nature of his disease and thinking can I really go thru another 20 years of this crap. It seems he dodges bullets all the way around and it's going to be never ending. It is sad that we have to feel this way. I just really need to snap out of this.
QT

elizabeth1979

Hey Queen,

Sounds to me like you are waiting for his actions or inactions to change your feelings and your life.
I did this for quite awhile..thinking I would just ride it out. This led me to wish he would just reach the end in ways you wished your husband would.

I got tired of waiting, I made my own life happen.

denny57

I think somewhere I believed as AH got sicker and saw his life collapsing around him he would, finally, get help or do something about it. I forget the addiction and expect him to act like the smart man he is. It hasn't happened and I have times where I still get angry about that, even though he's no longer in my life. I think for me it's still about control issues I have - that seems to be where most of my frustrations come from. Instead of recognizing I am powerless, I feel scared.

aztchr

I thought my exabf would stop drinking after he had a visit to the ER for chest pains and high blood pressure. I was so hopeful that finally he'd get results back and "see the light". Unfortunately, he kept drinking, but would take his blood pressure medication. Recently, I've learned he quit smoking with the help of medication, but is still drinking. I could have lived with him just smoking because that didn't change his behavior. He thinks not smoking is more important than not drinking. I guess one change is better than none, but it wasn't the change I wanted him to make, so I had to leave. I'm still very supportive from afar, but now that I have my own place I don't have to be around the drinking. I can let him live his life how he chooses and I can make my choices as needed, too.

hope2bhappy

Amazing, isn't it? My AH goes to the doctor and comes out with a clean bill of health. I go to the doctor and come out with 3 prescriptions. I always asked him, "Why is it YOU'RE the one who gets drunk, but I'M the one who wakes up with the hangover???"

From time to time, I wished that my AH would die -- put himself and the rest of us out of the misery. I guess maybe this is a normal "fantasy" brought on by exhaustion and desperation. I visualized myself sitting at his funeral wearing a black veil... so no one would see me smiling.

These were only momentary thoughts during my darkest hours. I truly wish him health and happiness. After so many, many years of suffering from this insidious disease, he deserves it. Times have been really bad for me, but at least I'm not an alcoholic.

dobiediva

That's so funny! My exabf is the same way. He "has to" quit smoking because "that stuff will kill you!" but he can get hammered all the time, snort coke, smoke pot and do who knows what else. But the CIGARETTES are gonna kill him!! Funny how they think.

As for the "hoping for their demise" I've felt that too. Still do sometimes. Its sad. We fight so hard to save them yet they don't want to be saved! I guess its just normal that when we feel like we've failed we want them to fail too. We want something to happen to them to make them just "get it" but sometimes they just never do. Nothing we can do about it. I guess the sooner we figure that out and truly accept it the better we'll be!