LiLL

Is it him or is it me?
I’m so easily irritated when he sounds irritated.
For instance, yesterday he came home and told me there’s a ****** sitting next to him on the train starring at his crossword book. I was thinking to myself “Geez, what are you, calling others a ****** just because they look at you…”
You know, just little things… Whenever he tells me some unpleasant things that happen to him, I always get irritated inside (especially when he swears or calls others a ******, bitch, etc.) I try not to show my irritated feelings but there’s a lot going on in my brain, such as “Jesus can’t you just let that go! Yeah yeah yeah stop complaining! Shut up, you’re the ******! Let see when you’ll start drinking again! …”

Actually he’s never mean to me or anybody (when he doesn't drink). In fact, he’s very sweet and friendly most of the time. But he thinks mean sometimes (even when he doesn’t drink), and when he tells me about his mean thoughts, it bothers me. Then I have mean thoughts abut him. Am I crazy?!

Mr. Christian

No, I think your just sick of him

HolyQow

My AH is the same way. He claims that I don't like anything, yet we can't be anywhere without him complaining continously...

examples include: complaining about how long it takes to order food, complaining about traffic, or how someone else is driving, anything the kids are doing, and everything that happens at work....

His most annoying habit is to laugh at me. It feels like he is including me in the list of "*******" in his world.....latest example was taking a bite of a sandwich, getting mayo on my face, and I simply reached for the napkin....and he just sits there and laughs.....I can laugh at myself, when I do or say something dumb, but for ordinary things, I just think it's uncalled for and annoying. When I try to do something nice for someone, something different perhaps .... like something as simple as making something different for dinner that we have never had.... he says "what POSSESSED you to do that?"

Glad to hear that I am not insane for thinking bad things when he does stuff like that. Someone already has the name sickandtired....or that would be me.

AH is even so bad at work, that the guys have begun to stuff tissues in AH's locker (implying that he is always whining)...I couldn't even come up with a reply when he told me that....was kind of mad that I hadn't thought of it first I should have just done the stupid laugh that he does ....

StandingStrong

Your post really grabbed my attention. You see, for the past few years as I've been recovering, I tend to not accept bad behavior as easily as I used too. Or even have patience for the things that highly annoy me.

I don't think that I'm insane. I think that I just view things in my life differently. Whereas it may not have bothered me at one point to have some negative person around me griping - it now bothers me so I avoid them or I call them on their persistant negativity, lol. The point is, it's just not acceptable behavior in my book anymore. No, I'm not talking about normal griping or whatever - I'm talking the ones that are ALWAYS that way.

And as for my XAH......well, there were always things that bugged me. (Things like you mentioned above) but I guess I just accepted that behavior and attitude.
Today I notice that it really gets under my skin. Just recently I pointed out to him just how he was talking in regards to one of our kids!!! He's hateful, unhappy, etc and just keeps on spreading that crap - I just choose to not accept it as normal.

So, I guess the short answer is "No, you're not insane. You're recovery is happening and you're looking at things from a new veiwpoint. You are seeing the character flaws and personality of the person instead of being overwhelmed with the newest crises of the alcohol/alcoholic".

That's my thoughts anyways.

appleblaster

i'm glad i saw this post. i was missing my xabf terribly (eeew, don't know exactly why but i'm sure its some personality defect of mine rearing it's ugly head) and battling it really hard. i even tried to dredge up the list of terrible things he did to remind myself of why we are not together anymore. i had totally forgotten about his constant complaining. really....each time we went in public together i flinched. he would always find something wrong with the service or how someone talked to him or the way our food was prepared or just even getting loud for no reason at all. it seemed it was for attention.
either way, it was embarrassing and unpleasant. i called him out on it regularly but that would just lead into an argument between us.

now i realize that the negative aura that seemed to surround him picked up more negativity and created the snowball effect. my life is so peaceful now that i'm almost bored (oops, there's one of those personality defects again......)

CodeMaster

Your not crazy...

But as long as your around an alcoholic, it is a family disease and you will also become sick by being round an active alcoholic. In hindsight, I can see how sick I used to be only by looking back now after a lot of time of no alcoholic in my life. I was quite crazy.... I am not the same person I used to be at all.... I'm free now and found a great deal of peace.

I wish you the best through your journeys, loves to you always...

LiLL

exactly!! that's my AH!

I wonder if all As have the same personality traits.... angry, impatient, cynical... I think my AH has split personalities of some sort.... During his sober days, he is a nice person most of the time but can turn into a jerk all of a sudden, then quickly turns back to "normal"....

I was even thinking the opposite! i thought, for me to recover, his mood shouldn't affect mine and i should be a more tolerant person....
it's truly a relief to hear i'm not insane....

i've become sick for sure! not even know how to feel my own feelings and deal with them...

parentrecovers

alcoholics get pretty self centered? i think we just get sick of listening to stories and rants about THEM all the time. it turns around some, as recovery continues. my daughter is more interested in and compassionate to others now. blessings, k

havehopetoday

Wow this was an eyeopener...I thought only mine became obnoxious.
When my xA became sober and was working on active recovery is only when I saw a significant behaviour change. Then a few weeks ago the impatience creeped in...followed by the resentment, bitterness etc. He's telling me he's not drinking but with this old behaviour combined with the slurring of words I'm not convinced. Now according to him I am crazy (cuz i suspect he's drinking)...that's the other one Namecalling.
This week I just stopped talking...that's all I did...everything changed. It helps i don't live with him. He had a few days of outbursts but last night he went to his AA meeting. I wish him well in recovery, and I have finally realized we have no future.
When I give up, he gets serious about help. Maybe that's the lesson?

eyes wide open

My AH left to stay at his mothers house. He came back last night to change the oil in his truck. He was mad that i did not beg him to stay or talk about him not being there. He started picking a fight and i just told him I was not going to get into this with him and walked away and he was mad. He left and I was very greatful that he did. I get called names and told I am perfect ect ect. I try and not feed into it anymore.

angelonmyshould

Once again I realized I am not alone! My AH still does these things even after two years sober. But, I don't react anymore. That's part os my recovery. Why should I bother commenting or thinking when he has some irratating thing to say? I just use the old duct tape for my mouth and roll up tiny little balls of it for my ears.

Thanks for this post!

ConfMixFeel

I also hear the same things. The complaining, how OTHER people need to get their heads on straight, a lot about the kids and how they need to get their heads on right and wake up to life, embarassing behavior in public, etc. I hate to go out to eat if I've noticed he's been drinking OR if he orders a drink at dinner. I can remember one time we went out to eat and he ordered a drink, he got on the subject of money. (big mistake) He started gripping about my paying the bills, it was so crazy I actually thought he was joking at first, then I realized he was NOT joking. He started getting louder and louder, he seems to get angry when I pay bills (when he's been drinking only) I looked at him and said Are you serious? He said, Yes and got louder. I looked at him and told him, IF you continue this I am getting up and walking out. He didnt stop, I got up and walked out. I was Soooo embarassed. I dont go out to eat with him much anymore unless I see that he's ok.

Monday will be my frist Al-Anon meeting. I hope this will be the beginning of MY recovery.

Thanks everyone, finding this board has been a great blessing.

elizabeth1979

My ex's complaining came to be a trigger for me.

This is because for a alongtime, when he complained, I would fix.
His complaining stirred up the "Oh crap, what am I going to do about this" feeling in me.
Even though I knew I wasnt going to do anything about his whining, it took me back to that crazy place where I felt like his life was my job.

queenteree

My AH complains all the time about how the kids, especially my daughter, doesn't do the right things, lectures my son on drinking and driving (which my son doesn't do), how to do things the right way in life, etc., and how he always has to pick up the pieces for them. He has no clue that he is the one who drinks at work, drives drunk, and acts like an idot. He doesn't realize that he thinks through such an alcoholic fog most of the time that he doesn't pick up the pieces for anyone, he creates more pieces (and guess who truly picks them up - ME). My kids don't even want to be around him anymore at family gatherings, etc. because his mood can change so quickly and he acts like he's a Godsend to us. He also has this grandoise idea that he pays all the bills, bought me a car, etc. and will actually throw it up in my face, yet I WORK TOO and contribute to all those bills. He is such a sweetheart to also pay my daughter's car payment (he must forget that she gives him the money every month, he just has to write the check). Sometimes we just don't know which end is up, but thanks to SR, we all know we're not the crazy ones.

mallowcup

I think you are just so aware of how his little one liners add up into a big fat ugly person who needs a mirror. What an ugly view they have of life. I think your spirit is speaking to you.
I worked at a Center for disabled people, I heard people calling them "*******".
This is when I realized that they are born with only one real lack, They lack the desire to hurt anyone.
I fought those kind of statements with my own.
If I heard anyone call someone a ******, I would say, "That's interesting, because after working with handicapped people, I have become acutely aware I am to be able to lift a fork to my own mouth, and I have known the pure joy of feeling freshly mowed grass under my bare feet.
That usually creates a pause.
It is very tempting to say, You freakin jerk!
My husband complains about every single person driving.
He ranted until I thought I'd jump out fo the car.
Instead, I laughed and said, I remember how mad peoplke used to be at me for the pokey way I drove. Little did they know my tires were bald and I had hardly any breaks. My muffler was always dragging around and I had no money to fix it. I always appreciated people who seemed to understand.

HolyQow

I forgot about AH complaining about drunk people..... that has to be the most ironic thing he does. Any commercial about a celebrity going to rehab, intervention, or addiction shows can bring on the most horrible name calling, and exactly what he thinks of those kinds of ppl. I just raise an eyebrow and look directly at him .. as if he could put two and two together..... didn't someone have a mirror fixed lately? Can my AH borrow it?