He passed away

Old 02-21-2007, 03:12 PM
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He passed away

It has been two weeks since my A passed away. I am having difficulty with this time. I found him in his house dead and he had been dead a few days. I cannot get that image out of mind. His body was ravaged by the drinking. I had just seen him a few days before he died he looked sick but I never wanted to think he would die. I keep feeling that there was something I could do.. if, if, if.. but my A never said he was an A, he would get angry if I ever brought it up.. I miss him.. how have other people dealt with the fact that they have lost their A.. any help would be appreciated and just writing this in this forum helps thanks
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Old 02-21-2007, 03:16 PM
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welcome, apart. I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your A. A year and a half ago, I lost a friend of 25 years to the disease. He was aware of his self-destruction and it was so painful to watch. Many of us tried so many things - they must have added up to 1,000 different pleas. Sadly, none made any difference.

I have come to accept that there truly was nothing anyone could have done to save him - he had to do that himself. I hope as time passes you will have some peace with that. Grief counseling could help - have you looked into that.

Please keep coming back and posting; many here have been through it and you don't have to face it alone.

Much love.
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Old 02-21-2007, 03:17 PM
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I am so very sorry for your loss. I'm sure that all of the feelings you are having right now are very normal as they are a part of the grieving process.

But please don't beat yourself up with the "what if's" and the "if's" of all kinds. The truth is that you cannot control another person, you cannot change them, and you can't cure them. His addiction was HIS and only he could have fought that addiction.

Have you attended Alanon yet or spoke with a counselor or therapist? Or how about attending a support group for those that have lost a loved one - such as a widow's support group?

Please believe me, this wasn't your fault. Don't be so hard on yourself apart.
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Old 02-21-2007, 03:36 PM
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I am so sorry, apart. You know there is/was nothing you could do to stop your A from drinking unless he wanted to.

I knew a man who had cirrosis of the liver so bad he nearly died three times. His face was always a purplish blueish colour and he drank constantly. I remember innocently asking him.. "WHY?". His sincere answer was... "I'd rather be dead than not be able to have a drink". He died alone, in his home, a month later from liver failure at 49 years old.

Let yourself grieve for your A and know that people here at SR understand and care very very much for you and what you are going through.
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Old 02-21-2007, 04:02 PM
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((((apart))))

So very sorry for the loss of your A and all you're enduring.

There's absolutely nothing you could've done to have prevented the outcome. Please believe that. The choice to continue drinking was his, and his alone.

I'm truly sorry for your pain. Please continue reaching out to us...

Peace to you~
GHM
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Old 02-21-2007, 04:05 PM
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Welcome (((Apart))).

I don't have any relevant experiences to share, but I do want to welcome you to SR. I am truly sorry for your loss and the pain you are going through right now.

Lots of good suggestions have already been mentioned above. Please keep coming back and sharing with us. I know it can be very helpful to get it all out!
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Old 02-21-2007, 04:11 PM
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Hello apart,
It saddens me to hear of another loss to this disease.
Im so sorry for this loss in your life.
Ive heard it said before that some souls are just too fragile for this world.
I hope you are able to find some support and peace.

Im glad you have found SR and would also second the others thoughts about counseling. It couldnt hurt right?
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Old 02-21-2007, 04:11 PM
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I am reading

I am so glad that you have posted and I really appreciate all your thoughts.. this is a wonderful community I am glad I found my way here.. any thoughts or advise is welcome...
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Old 02-21-2007, 04:13 PM
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I'm so sorry. You could not undo what years of drinking damaged. His health was not a symptom, it was the consequence of years and years of drinking. Sometimes in the end we SEE tings so clearly that we didn't see before. I think it's because we know them within their disease as if it is normal for them. We become conditioned to something we can't change. We can't do anything about it and the damage is progressive and gradual so that we aren't startled by it, we become desensatized. Throwing up blood becomes nothing to get too shook up about, he's been doing that for three years now.
We all read things here and compare our alcoholics to them. "Oh, my husband isn't that bad". or "If he ever hits me, I'll leave". Well, our husbands will get that bad. He didn't hit me, he pushed me or he didn't mean it, he was drunk. They progressively get worse and our eyes only take in what they can handle. We are all made up of flesh and blood. No one can drink poison everyday and escape the ultimate consequence.
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Old 02-21-2007, 04:26 PM
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Dear apart, I'm so sorry you're going through this grief.
You had no control over the situation, and should no
guilt, for it was him and him alone who made that choice
to continue to drink. It's so sad when when an addiction takes
hold of someone, and through their deciscions and the strenght of the disease
they feel helpless to the point that they are willing to die rather than quit.
I bow my head in prayer for you, and I wish you peace and serenity.
(((((((hope3))))))))
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Old 02-21-2007, 05:36 PM
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You have my sympathies for your sudden loss.

I just went through this very situation a few weeks ago - my husband died suddenly. I had seen my husband getting sicker and sicker, his coloring was turning a grayish yellow, he was in constant pain, his memory failed him constantly, he was bloated with fluid from his failing liver ... I did my best to let him know if he couldn't stop drinking, he would soon lose his life. Unfortunately, the depth of his problems and addiction were beyond anything I could change or alter - it proved to be an overwhelming force in his life ... and he lost the battle... alcohol took another victim.

From the moment I found out he had collapsed and died - I have been filled with a tremendous sense of loss of what was once an exceptional person so full of life and energy ... someone that could take on about any new task and be successful at it ... he had an exceptional memory and a sharp alert mind once ... yet he ended up so sickly and weak, in mind and body.. it was truly tragic to stand by and watch this tragedy unfold and feel so helpless.

I do not feel anymore anger or frustration towards him ... only an enormous sense of sadness and I miss him even though he could not live with his sons and I ... we still saw each other almost everyday and about once a week, his mind was clear enough we could have a pleasant conversation about our children and business - for this time, I would have a part of him back again if only for an hour or so. I had been losing him for many years, a little bit at a time. He had been an angry, confused and volatile alcoholic ... but that was not who he really was, that is what alcohol addiction turned him into. In over 30 years of problems with alcohol... he was only able to stop drinking for a 2 year period and when he relapsed it was with a vengeance and within 4 years the alcohol finally took him away from his family forever.

Some people have asked me if I felt a sense of relief ... a logical question considering what a nightmare my life had become as a result of his drinking ... but strangely I have not felt relief at all. I wish I had a chance to say goodbye and let him know that I understood that underneath all the craziness I knew there was still decent human being. I feel this is an unbelievably tragic illness that takes healthy people and twists their minds and bodies into becoming strangers to the people that care about them. I think about him constantly, I have thousands of memories that were good .. and I can only remember my husband the way he used to be ... sadly knowing that finally there are no more chances to turn his life around .... I will never see him or talk to him again, our children have no father for their graduations, weddings or to witness the birth of our grandchildren ... he is gone forever now.
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Old 02-21-2007, 05:53 PM
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I feel the same

I am so sorry for your loss but it is true you think of them all day each minute and it is so horrible to know that you will never talk to them again.. the last time I saw him we did say "I love you" to each other and I know he did but the disease is too strong and I really don't think my A thought he was going to die.. He never associated his bad health with his drinking .. I just can't understand that...
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Old 02-21-2007, 06:04 PM
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I am so, so sorry for your loss. I can't begin to imagine how difficult this must be. May you soon begin to heal and remember better times.

You couldn't have changed this outcome, he was the only one who could have done that.

Sending you my support and prayers,
E
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Old 02-21-2007, 06:13 PM
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Originally Posted by apart View Post
He never associated his bad health with his drinking .. I just can't understand that...
He couldn't - because then he would have to give it up. Addiction is a formidable foe.
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Old 02-21-2007, 06:14 PM
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Apart
Your husband was in denial about his health ... a constant partner to alcoholic behavior .. so was my husband - he always thought his problems were caused by something else. If an alcoholic accepted the reality of all the pain and misery brought on by the drinking, that would mean they would have to admit they needed to stop - the last thing they want to believe while in the throes of addiction. My husband had mentioned to me just a few days before his death about how worried he was he wouldn't remember how to use a computer when he started feeling better .... this was just after he had been diagnosed with severe liver disease and he still couldn't stop drinking. He had been told his health would continue to decline unless he made a radical change.. but this disease is so unbelievably powerful, I knew by this time nothing would stop him.

I had been through every phase of alcoholic progression with my husband. He had caused a tremendous amount of heartache and anger ... but even though this lasted for many years, I am amazed how truly saddened I am by his death ... I so wish I had a chance to say goodbye and let him know I understood he was consumed by this illness and that I forgave him.

It is so good that you had a chance to say loving words to each other for the last time ... unfortunately for me, like some many times before I had been very frustrated by his behavior that last time I saw him. I keep trying to tell myself he is finally at peace now .. but I so wish I could have had the opportunity to say good bye and let him know I loved him in spite of all that had happened.
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Old 02-21-2007, 06:14 PM
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When ever any one we love dies we feel guilty..it's normal.When there are unresolved issues as with your A it makes it so much harder.You loved him-that was all you could do-most wouldn't even have done that.What you have gone through -finding him dead after a few days is a traumatic experience--you will need some councelling to get over that--not forever--but maybe a few months just to talk thru face/face with someone all your unresloved feelings and trauma....Hang in there!!
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Old 02-21-2007, 07:39 PM
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Thank you Apart and Seeking Wisdom for telling us your stories...
you are truly strong women. My heart goes out to both of you.
You've endured so much and still have SO much love in your hearts.
What you've said here has touched me deeply.
I am thinking of both of you and hope you find the peace YOU deserve.

A big hug to both of you.

neg
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Old 02-21-2007, 07:52 PM
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Apart and Seeking Wisdom, you are in my prayers every day. I know of no greater fear than losing someone I love to this awful disease. I am terribly sorry for your loss, and deeply grateful that you have honored us with your trust in sharing such a deep pain.

Know that we are here for you every day, to listen to you and let you know that you are not alone.

Mike
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Old 02-22-2007, 07:46 AM
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welcome, apart. it is nice to meet you, and i am really sorry for your lose. addcition - it's a horrible disease. please take good care of yourself, and keep posting.

blessings, k
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Old 02-22-2007, 08:03 AM
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My deepest sorrow goes out to you, there was nothing more you could do and he knows you love him. Best wishes...
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