Crumbs

Well I met with his therapist yesterday. Was there for two hours. She really wanted to get my perspective on the events in our marriage. She was really professional and I actually liked her better than my therpist. Typical...

The one thing that she did say is that I did the right thing by leaving. Is it strange that she would say that.. it was clear that I was telling her things that she had not heard and she asked my permission to talk to my ex about some of these things which was fine with me..

One of the things that she did say was that in most domestic abuse cases-people try to leave an average of six times before they actually leave- My husband has never laid a hand on me so I am unclear why she was saying this... Any thoughts????

best

Can't speak for her but a guess would be that she was telling you that in a situation where things are rougher, it still takes a person at least 6 tries before they truly do something about it. Maybe she was pointing out how good your insights or instincts are.

Leaving is working a good boundary at times. It can be a part of tough love or self preservation. Not always the answer but when it is right, it may be the only answer. Each situation for each person may be different.

Crumbs

Yeah well when I left I felt great but for some reason woke up this morning feeling absolutely awful.

atalose

domestic abuse doesn't always mean physcial it's emotionaly and verbal as well. Maybe some of the things you were telling her fit the general catagory of domestic abuse.

denny57

When I met AH's therapist, she listened and then said, "you have to get out."

I'm glad it went well. I'd discuss it with my own therapist and then let it go. Take care.

Crumbs

She did say that it was a similar cycle-
Do something very hurtful
Be really nice-(that last about two weeks) Smooth things over by avoidance
And then another event would occur

Of course I find myself defending him-I have no idea why I feel like I have to do that. He was nice to me-We got along-I just get so mad at myself when I find myself doing that.

denny57

That happens a lot to me. I think it's growing pains.

best

Guilty that you told on him maybe?
If so... what we share with a Therapist is not telling on others, it is a sharing of truths that helps the others find growth. With what you shared, she will be better able to help him find growth.

Crumbs

I don't think it was guilt although I did feel guilty not wearing my wedding band. I took it off about two weeks ago and I know he has no idea.
I think that I felt bad after because he called me and was so nice. Hence the nickname crumbs! Doesn't take very much!

lilac

My therapist was married for over 20 years to an alcoholic.......and she told me that the smartest thing I did was get out. She wished that she had left earlier.

It is hard, I have been out of the house going on 4 months now, and want to go back "home" so bad somedays. But I know I am better where I am right now, than where I was. There are good days and bad days. I haven't even filed for divorce yet, don't want to hurt his feelings I guess. (What I seem to forget is all the emotional and verbal abuse I tooK). Which I feel is part alcohol and part his personality defects.

Much love to you.

Crumbs

I had to post this. Today might be the worst day I have had since I left and I am really not sure why. I am at work and I feel like I am slipping into a really bad depression. I have suffered from depression my whole life. Going to my doctor tomorrow. But any words of encouragement would be appreciated!!!

denny57

Hang in there, Crumbs - what you're feeling is normal in my experience. Tell your doctor everything. I believe facing an honest and aware life does affect me physically, as well as mentally. It gets better over time, the more comfortable it becomes for me.

((()))

newenglandgirl

Hey Crumbs...thinking of you
You're going through a huge life change. Be gentle with yourself...some rough days will happen...but things will get better. Yes - be honest with your doctor. Let us know how you are doing.

Crumbs

I went to my doctor yesterday and had to take the day off from work. Ended up sleeping it away. Which is definitely not good. I tend to withdraw from everyone when I am depressed. Going to start taking antidepressants and hopefully that will help some. My therapist thinks that having one foot in the door and one foot out is what is making me so unhappy. I agree. I know that it is time to make the decision. Last night when i was feeling really strong I called my ex to tell him that I could not live this way anymore and we needed to get divorced. It was 9:00 at night and he told me he was too tired to talk to me. Never called me back. I don't think that he was drinking but it just reinforced everything that I have been thinking. When he used to call me it did not matter what time it was I was there. But he really is not there for me. It bothers me that he sends me text messages and tells me how much he loves me but his actions say something totally different. I am just so frustrated and tired.

WantsOut

it's a very stressful time. I'm so glad you went to the doc. You're taking care of you even though you are feeling so drained. That's wonderful. You will get through this and be okay. I promise

mushroom

The good therapists want to hear from the other members of the family, especially the spouse. It helps them get perspective on their client because they know they're not getting the whole story. People who are in bad shape and needing a therapist do not generally have very good perspective on themselves or their situation.

I don't think it so terribly surprising that his therapist told you to get out. My exAH's therapists told me that too.

You're going through major stress right now. Divorce is a major life change, like someone dying. Your expectations of the future with someone else have been shattered. Someone told me recently that it takes about 2 years after divorce to get over it. I've been separated for two years and divorced for one and I'm starting to get over it. I still have bad days though they're not about him at least.

Believe his actions, not his words.