the children
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Milwaukee WI
Posts: 137
the children
This is what I have been thinking about the last few days...the children. Our youngest is 8 and next from there 17, 20 and 24 an donly the 8 and 17 yr old live at home..other one is home but not much because of college.
I just feel so sad for my youngest one...her Dad is never here for her, can't even take her places anymore because he is drinking all the time, wasn't there for her XMas show at school because he was passed out...but the sad thing is....she didn't even ask why he wasn't there or coming...I think she has just gotten so used to it....it breaks my heart.
But, I am determined to have a better life, finish my schooling, get a job and move on....my children deserve it too...
anyone have any thought son this too?? It seems that sometimes we get so caught up in our own heads about what is happening...that we forget how things are effecting our younger ones. It's so sad that their own DAD can't see it....Thanks everyone!
I just feel so sad for my youngest one...her Dad is never here for her, can't even take her places anymore because he is drinking all the time, wasn't there for her XMas show at school because he was passed out...but the sad thing is....she didn't even ask why he wasn't there or coming...I think she has just gotten so used to it....it breaks my heart.
But, I am determined to have a better life, finish my schooling, get a job and move on....my children deserve it too...
anyone have any thought son this too?? It seems that sometimes we get so caught up in our own heads about what is happening...that we forget how things are effecting our younger ones. It's so sad that their own DAD can't see it....Thanks everyone!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: iowa
Posts: 93
I totally agree!!!
My son (also 8) hasn't had a dad for several years even though he was living here.
My AH stopped going to concerts and school functions years ago - I don't think he's ever been to any for our son.
I bought AH a book once called A Son Needs A Dad. Mostly just a picture book - AH didn't even look at it.
My dad & brother have been helping out - playing computer games w/ my son, taking him fishing. But they both live 1-3 hours away and we don't see them real often.
Grandma & Grandpa make sure they attend almost every concert and they have since our oldest (13) started school. And they drive an hour to get here - but it's important! so they make sure to come (& go to DQ afterwards!)
I have signed my son up to get a Y-Pal. Hopefully they'll hook him up with someone closer who can take him fishing, out to eat, all the little things that are really important.
Of course I can do some things with him - but I think he just needs a guy sometimes - instead of all these girls my son lives with. (his sisters & me)
All my kids are seeing a counselor - they have been since AH & I separated. I have seen some changes in my son. He's no longer sleeping in my bed all the time. Not crying every morning wanting to stay with me instead of going to school.
My oldest 13 - keeps accusing me of not doing anything. I think because I did stay with AH so long.
10 year old just misses her dad and feels left out because he never comes to her activities. She only remembers dad going to sisters & brothers things when he was sober the first part of Sept. last year.
My son (also 8) hasn't had a dad for several years even though he was living here.
My AH stopped going to concerts and school functions years ago - I don't think he's ever been to any for our son.
I bought AH a book once called A Son Needs A Dad. Mostly just a picture book - AH didn't even look at it.
My dad & brother have been helping out - playing computer games w/ my son, taking him fishing. But they both live 1-3 hours away and we don't see them real often.
Grandma & Grandpa make sure they attend almost every concert and they have since our oldest (13) started school. And they drive an hour to get here - but it's important! so they make sure to come (& go to DQ afterwards!)
I have signed my son up to get a Y-Pal. Hopefully they'll hook him up with someone closer who can take him fishing, out to eat, all the little things that are really important.
Of course I can do some things with him - but I think he just needs a guy sometimes - instead of all these girls my son lives with. (his sisters & me)
All my kids are seeing a counselor - they have been since AH & I separated. I have seen some changes in my son. He's no longer sleeping in my bed all the time. Not crying every morning wanting to stay with me instead of going to school.
My oldest 13 - keeps accusing me of not doing anything. I think because I did stay with AH so long.
10 year old just misses her dad and feels left out because he never comes to her activities. She only remembers dad going to sisters & brothers things when he was sober the first part of Sept. last year.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
I have a feeling that you're going to get a lot of replies on this post!
I, too, have seen the damage that my XAH's drinking and behaviors have caused my children. But truthfully, I've also come to see how my own behavior has affected them as well - and that was a really big thing for me - to see how I have affected them.
My kids are all teens now and they've got some issues. There are some things that I believe are the typical teen angst stuff but there are other things that I really believe stem from the environment in which they were brought up with XAH and myself.
In summation of all of that, I believe that I'm really lucky that my kids have turned out as good as they have!!!
When my kids were little, one of the reasons that I stayed with XAH was because of my kids. You all know how that goes.....
Today I realize that I had a choice to keep myself in an unhealthy environment - they had no choice. It is something that I hope that mothers will learn sooner than I did - to put their children's welfare FIRST! Not the A, the marriage, etc. but the children who have no choice!
I still hurt at the damage that my XAH has caused my children - it's not easy and it will probably affect us all a lifetime. But I can't change my XAH - so I'll continue to work on myself so that I no longer cause damage that can be avoided.
I, too, have seen the damage that my XAH's drinking and behaviors have caused my children. But truthfully, I've also come to see how my own behavior has affected them as well - and that was a really big thing for me - to see how I have affected them.
My kids are all teens now and they've got some issues. There are some things that I believe are the typical teen angst stuff but there are other things that I really believe stem from the environment in which they were brought up with XAH and myself.
In summation of all of that, I believe that I'm really lucky that my kids have turned out as good as they have!!!
When my kids were little, one of the reasons that I stayed with XAH was because of my kids. You all know how that goes.....
Today I realize that I had a choice to keep myself in an unhealthy environment - they had no choice. It is something that I hope that mothers will learn sooner than I did - to put their children's welfare FIRST! Not the A, the marriage, etc. but the children who have no choice!
I still hurt at the damage that my XAH has caused my children - it's not easy and it will probably affect us all a lifetime. But I can't change my XAH - so I'll continue to work on myself so that I no longer cause damage that can be avoided.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I agree so strongly with standingstrong,
Children don't have a choice, they are stuck with what ever choice the mother makes about the situation with the alcoholic.
Staying together for the sake of the children has been discovered to be the wrong decision. It's not a normal family atmesphere they are learning to grow up in, it's dysfunction where they learn those dysfunctional behaviors and will just continue the cycle.
Have you though about any kind of counseling for your daughter? Are you involved with alanon, can she get involved with alateen?
Children don't have a choice, they are stuck with what ever choice the mother makes about the situation with the alcoholic.
Staying together for the sake of the children has been discovered to be the wrong decision. It's not a normal family atmesphere they are learning to grow up in, it's dysfunction where they learn those dysfunctional behaviors and will just continue the cycle.
Have you though about any kind of counseling for your daughter? Are you involved with alanon, can she get involved with alateen?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
He should be there but he isn't and no matter how adorable she is, she can't be cuter than that damned cocktail. I would rather have him passed out in the chair than showing up drunk and humiliating her. If he isn't there for his kids, there really isn't much point in him being there at all. I thought my boys and I could just live around it, you have no idea how much lighter our house was, how much true fun we had once he was out of the house. Life became fun, they could have friends overnight. The yelling gumbling and tensions were gone. Other kids even envied my kids, we had a fun house. Yes, their father was missed by them, well the guy he was supposed to be was missed. That's a hole that a woman can't fill most of the time. A woman can fill that hole with lots of other things to ease the pain.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: somewhere, out there...
Posts: 512
hmmmmm
the children - funny i was just posting about this on the f&F substance abuse forum - my mom is bringing my sisters kids here - 3 hours away - because my sister is totally incapable of feeding, cleaning or caring for her kids - i will never understand how drugs or alcohol become more important than your children - never - i can't believe that an addict loses all common sense - i will never understand that...
with my nephews coming here to live for awhile i will accept that my sister is sick - but i will never understand it - i will be angry (at my sister) - i will probably guilt her about it - and i will never let her forget what she did - i have to be honest - i'm not taking her kids to be a martyr - i'm taking her kids because it's the right thing to do and they need a loving, stable place - they have known chaos for a long time now but this is it - she either changes her life or dies - and i can accept that - but god it sucks...
thank god some kids have some people who care - i know the addict probably loves their kids - but the addict doesn't care or they would stop their selfish behavior...
sorry to make this about me - i just wanted you to konw i understand...
godspeed,
s
with my nephews coming here to live for awhile i will accept that my sister is sick - but i will never understand it - i will be angry (at my sister) - i will probably guilt her about it - and i will never let her forget what she did - i have to be honest - i'm not taking her kids to be a martyr - i'm taking her kids because it's the right thing to do and they need a loving, stable place - they have known chaos for a long time now but this is it - she either changes her life or dies - and i can accept that - but god it sucks...
thank god some kids have some people who care - i know the addict probably loves their kids - but the addict doesn't care or they would stop their selfish behavior...
sorry to make this about me - i just wanted you to konw i understand...
godspeed,
s
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Milwaukee WI
Posts: 137
that's ok..I didn't think it was about "you"...but it certainly is always good to know that others know what I am talking about. I remember when he missed the Christmas show...he was angry because he said I should have woke him up....but my oldest son was so smart when he said, that was not the point...the point is that is he had not been drinking and passed out...there would not be a problem. I guess just thinking about those words today made a "bulb" go off....he really always makes it someone elses fault...never his.
Yes...I do understand that the children don't have a choice...it is my job to protect her. We just got new health insurance and I am going to check this week on places we can go for counseling...I think it will help clear our minds of the clutter...
Yes...I do understand that the children don't have a choice...it is my job to protect her. We just got new health insurance and I am going to check this week on places we can go for counseling...I think it will help clear our minds of the clutter...
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I am glad you are ckecking into some counseling. I am sure right now you are so overwhelmed and as you said your mind is filled with clutter, that's ok. At least you are here and you are addressing the issue of how alcohol effects everyone in the household not just the alcoholic.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
