Half my life
it is what it is...
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: USA
Posts: 179
Half my life
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I've been reading posts for a while now and never write back. I still don't know what to write. My AH is in prison again. I have heard every story that he will quit. He does sometimes for a while but then one or two beers turns back into 10 or 20. This time his DUI has sent him off again. This is the third DUI on his record. I think it is the 5th or 6th all together. I was 16 when I met him and now I am 32. I am still waiting for him to quit. He says he is never going to drink again. I just want to yell at him, "of course your not!!! You're in jail!!!" I am so mad!! He has been everything to me. Everything good and everthing bad. He has done everything bad to me as a woman that a man can do except rape me. But I've feared that before. The last year has been the worst because when we broke up the year prior I dated someone else. Now I am the worst person in the world and he never lets me forget that I was with someone else. Even though he cheated on me twice and even went and married the first one and had a baby with her. Now he has 3 kids and can't afford to have anymore so I don't get any. And I ask myself. What is it that makes me not let go. I don't feel anything anymore. I do love the good in him. I get to see that when he is sober. I get to enjoy his smile and sense of humor, his advice, his silly stories, his "I Love you's", his intelligence and most of all his friendship and understanding that I shoudl have with someone I have known this long. I have told him this and he cries about it. He just won't get help though. He did tell me now that he is in jail again that he finally will admit that alcohol is the only variable in his life that makes it bad. He's never admitted that before. He has always claimed that it was someone or something else's fault that he got in trouble. Usually it was the cops fault for pulling him over. If the cop hadn't done that he wouldn't have gone to jail. Funny huh? Most of the time it was my fault or his sx-wife.
Anyway, I think that him and I have been together so long, half my life, I just want to see him happy. I know I can't make him happy but I love being able to get along with him. When he lets us get along we both feel better but we can't seem to stay just friends then it all turns to crap again. I know him being in jail is my opportunity to gain back my self worth and self esteem and reteach myself what my boundaries are and that I don't deserve to be verbally or physically beaten. So that is why I am finally writing today. All the feed back I can get is welcome. I need people that understand. I have so much to share that I can't talk to anyone else about anymore. I enjoy the anonymity of this as I live in a smaller area that makes it difficult to keep anything private. I don't enjoy bashing him. That is not what I am about. I just need some understanding. I hope to hear back from some of you. Thank you!!! P.S. This kind of turned into all about me but Can they change overnight? After 16 years, I'd have to say no. (Thanks for the posting tip too)
I've been reading posts for a while now and never write back. I still don't know what to write. My AH is in prison again. I have heard every story that he will quit. He does sometimes for a while but then one or two beers turns back into 10 or 20. This time his DUI has sent him off again. This is the third DUI on his record. I think it is the 5th or 6th all together. I was 16 when I met him and now I am 32. I am still waiting for him to quit. He says he is never going to drink again. I just want to yell at him, "of course your not!!! You're in jail!!!" I am so mad!! He has been everything to me. Everything good and everthing bad. He has done everything bad to me as a woman that a man can do except rape me. But I've feared that before. The last year has been the worst because when we broke up the year prior I dated someone else. Now I am the worst person in the world and he never lets me forget that I was with someone else. Even though he cheated on me twice and even went and married the first one and had a baby with her. Now he has 3 kids and can't afford to have anymore so I don't get any. And I ask myself. What is it that makes me not let go. I don't feel anything anymore. I do love the good in him. I get to see that when he is sober. I get to enjoy his smile and sense of humor, his advice, his silly stories, his "I Love you's", his intelligence and most of all his friendship and understanding that I shoudl have with someone I have known this long. I have told him this and he cries about it. He just won't get help though. He did tell me now that he is in jail again that he finally will admit that alcohol is the only variable in his life that makes it bad. He's never admitted that before. He has always claimed that it was someone or something else's fault that he got in trouble. Usually it was the cops fault for pulling him over. If the cop hadn't done that he wouldn't have gone to jail. Funny huh? Most of the time it was my fault or his sx-wife.
Anyway, I think that him and I have been together so long, half my life, I just want to see him happy. I know I can't make him happy but I love being able to get along with him. When he lets us get along we both feel better but we can't seem to stay just friends then it all turns to crap again. I know him being in jail is my opportunity to gain back my self worth and self esteem and reteach myself what my boundaries are and that I don't deserve to be verbally or physically beaten. So that is why I am finally writing today. All the feed back I can get is welcome. I need people that understand. I have so much to share that I can't talk to anyone else about anymore. I enjoy the anonymity of this as I live in a smaller area that makes it difficult to keep anything private. I don't enjoy bashing him. That is not what I am about. I just need some understanding. I hope to hear back from some of you. Thank you!!! P.S. This kind of turned into all about me but Can they change overnight? After 16 years, I'd have to say no. (Thanks for the posting tip too)
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: iowa
Posts: 93
Welcome Bjen.
Keep coming back, you've taken a great first step.
Although I've only started coming here over the last month. When I have a problem or question everyone is such a great sounding board.
Sometimes the truth hurts, but after a bit of thinking, it kinda sinks in. Others have been in our shoes before - and try to help us avoid the same mistakes sometimes.
Keep coming back, you've taken a great first step.
Although I've only started coming here over the last month. When I have a problem or question everyone is such a great sounding board.
Sometimes the truth hurts, but after a bit of thinking, it kinda sinks in. Others have been in our shoes before - and try to help us avoid the same mistakes sometimes.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: By the sea
Posts: 415
Yes, you are so right sweetie - this is the time for you to get you back. You deserve so much more! He is an alcoholic so he is unable to love you the way you should be loved. And his abuse (verbal and physcial) is totally unacceptable. You need to keep yourself safe. Do not believe his promises...he has already crossed the line...now is the time to set things up so that when he is released, you will be in a safe place away from his abuse.
You are so young! You have your whole life ahead of you.
SR is a Godsend. No doubt. But maybe you could see a therapist too? I know it has done me a world of good.
I am thinking of you....I am glad you are here...please keep posting
You are so young! You have your whole life ahead of you.
SR is a Godsend. No doubt. But maybe you could see a therapist too? I know it has done me a world of good.
I am thinking of you....I am glad you are here...please keep posting
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
Bjen, I owe you an apology
I did not realize that you had started a post when I wrote mine requesting that you begin a new thread. Bjen, I am so sorry you are going through this. Life shouldn't have to be so full of pain. I don't know if you have a Higher Power to whom you speak or pray. It's a good place to start. One of the best tricks an A has up his or her sleeve is the blame-you game. They can do the most outrageous stuff and just shrug it off and refuse to discuss it or apologize. But you make a mistake???? Heaven forbid! You'll probablyu hear about it for years.
It is, indeed, QUACKING. Blah, blah, blah. As long as they can bash you, they'll feel superior. They don't have to take responsibility for their actions and behaviors. Why should they? If they did, they would have to honestly face their addiction. Protection of the addiction is what their M.O. is all about.
It is, indeed, QUACKING. Blah, blah, blah. As long as they can bash you, they'll feel superior. They don't have to take responsibility for their actions and behaviors. Why should they? If they did, they would have to honestly face their addiction. Protection of the addiction is what their M.O. is all about.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: South Dakota
Posts: 14
Yesterday, as I was reflecting about the last 15 years of dealing with my son's addictions, I wonder how many times he's ever felt bad about scamming me, dropping the "f" bomb on me (pretty respectful), lying, taking all my money. And then I wonder why I've let him, but yet I feel constantly guilty? What's up with that? They are such masters of manipulation! Good luck, and hang in there!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
Welocme BJen. I hope you will continiue to come and write. I know it's helped bring clarity to me about my life and my situation.
I had to come to the point where I had to at least entertain the idea that was most likely. My husband will never quit. No matter what he says. I had to also consider that not only will he never quit, he will try to many times along the way. In the end, I knew I had to either go or stay and detach from it. At some point you realize your life becomes a steady and painful progression of losses. The more you invest, the longer you stay, the more you lose, time, money, love, your goals are pushed farther and farther from you.
With each of the things you've mentioned, he risked you. He risked losing you.
Anything is possible. It isn't so much a matter of him changing overnight, he has many casulaties on his path to today.
You can't undo infidelities or children that exist.
He may mean it. Does he have the ability to follow through with the work or is he just saying what he needs to say to get out of this jam? We don't know. That's the hard part, you never know what is real or what is contrived.
Have you set boundaries? How long will he be in jail?
I hope you'll continue to post, think this all out.
I had to come to the point where I had to at least entertain the idea that was most likely. My husband will never quit. No matter what he says. I had to also consider that not only will he never quit, he will try to many times along the way. In the end, I knew I had to either go or stay and detach from it. At some point you realize your life becomes a steady and painful progression of losses. The more you invest, the longer you stay, the more you lose, time, money, love, your goals are pushed farther and farther from you.
With each of the things you've mentioned, he risked you. He risked losing you.
Anything is possible. It isn't so much a matter of him changing overnight, he has many casulaties on his path to today.
You can't undo infidelities or children that exist.
He may mean it. Does he have the ability to follow through with the work or is he just saying what he needs to say to get out of this jam? We don't know. That's the hard part, you never know what is real or what is contrived.
Have you set boundaries? How long will he be in jail?
I hope you'll continue to post, think this all out.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Ohio
Posts: 105
(((bjen)))
Welcome to SR. Sorry you have a need to be here, but so glad you're reaching out.
When the A is all you've really ever known, (or maybe even if it isn't, I wouldn't know), it's difficult to simply walk away - no matter how awful the situation may be. However, it can be done.
A decade ago, I actually thought it was some sort of cosmic force, my purpose in life, to stay with my A and see him through. Like you, I loved my A. I saw the good in him during those rare glimpses of sobriety he would exhibit here and there which were few and far between. I saw his "potential". That potential gave me hope.
Meanwhile, decades slipped away and he's proven time and again that he's no interest in getting sober, having a normal life with me, and my hope has been diminished. Along with it went my self-esteem, my self-respect, my youth, and plenty of other things.
Like you, I wanted to see my A happy, too. I made myself miserable trying to make him happy. It's taken me a long time to realize that his happiness is totally up to him and completely related to the choices he makes.
When I started seeing him for who he "is", not what he "could be" - that made a difference for me. It enabled me little by little to distance myself emotionally from him. I quit trying to save him and started focusing on saving myself.
Big hugs to you, Bjen. Please, keep posting.
Peace,
~GHM
Welcome to SR. Sorry you have a need to be here, but so glad you're reaching out.
When the A is all you've really ever known, (or maybe even if it isn't, I wouldn't know), it's difficult to simply walk away - no matter how awful the situation may be. However, it can be done.
A decade ago, I actually thought it was some sort of cosmic force, my purpose in life, to stay with my A and see him through. Like you, I loved my A. I saw the good in him during those rare glimpses of sobriety he would exhibit here and there which were few and far between. I saw his "potential". That potential gave me hope.
Meanwhile, decades slipped away and he's proven time and again that he's no interest in getting sober, having a normal life with me, and my hope has been diminished. Along with it went my self-esteem, my self-respect, my youth, and plenty of other things.
Like you, I wanted to see my A happy, too. I made myself miserable trying to make him happy. It's taken me a long time to realize that his happiness is totally up to him and completely related to the choices he makes.
When I started seeing him for who he "is", not what he "could be" - that made a difference for me. It enabled me little by little to distance myself emotionally from him. I quit trying to save him and started focusing on saving myself.
Big hugs to you, Bjen. Please, keep posting.
Peace,
~GHM
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: detroit mi
Posts: 11
Lets say you take a year of your life ... and take care of yourself .You are 32 years old and have ..god willing a lot more life to live. Lets say that after a year of working a program learning about this disease and yourself and the part you play in it that you become happier healthier wiser. You have been with the A for 16, so why not .One year for yourself. Lets say you live to be 80, after that one year you would have 47 years of life love and laughter. Wouldnt that be a good thing? Take the time for yourself. Join an ala-non group. I live in a small town as well but the thing about ala-non is its like a secret society, no body talks about what goes on in the meetings. and regardless of what happens in your life ...weather you stay with your A and try to make him happy or you leave. Either way one of you is going to have to be the stronger one and seek help. We spend so much time and energy trying to make them happy.. that if we spent half that energy on ourselves.......We spend so much time trying to love the A right out of this disease that we forget how to love ourselves and you know the old saying if you cant love yourself you cant love anybody. You have come down a path in life that has had many hurtful painful steps ......now you have reached two doors ,one says hope/ love /happiness the other door says pain/hurt/anger......which door are you going to open and walk thru because I gauranty you the alcoholic is waiting for you on the other side of door B. Time to take a walk for yourself for awhile, get healthy again .Ala-non works if you work it
it is what it is...
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: USA
Posts: 179
Geez, I just wrote a long post and my computer lost it, now I have to go. I will write more later, but THANK YOU ALL for the feedback. I am going to do for myself today and not feel guilty. It is good to know there are so many of you out there and I appreciate it so much!! More later, Bjen
Becky
Becky
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,579
Originally Posted by lilac 
Cave, thanks for your post. I needed it. I am 35 and been with A 15 years.
Never thought about it the way you put it. I do deserve a good year of working on myself.
Never thought about it the way you put it. I do deserve a good year of working on myself.
Yup............will be 53 y in a few weeks; been with my A (until recently) for well over 30yrs. Dosen't get any easier with time.
Thanks,Bjen and also glad you have joined us! I look forward to getting to know you.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
(((Becky)))
Welcome to SR. I'm sorry that it is the pain in your life that brought you here, but SR is a great place. So I'm glad that you've found us.
I can relate to alot of what you have said. I fell for my A in the 1st grade so he's been my 'dream' for many years. We were married for many years (a little more than half of our lives as I married him 18 years ago).
Like you, I loved my A with all of my heart. I gave and gave and gave - until one day I just couldn't give anymore.
You don't say how long your A will be in jail - but I'm thinking that this would definately be the perfect time for you to focus on yourself. I'm betting that like me, you have been living your life around the A in your life for so long that you really don't even know yourself anymore. I know that I was so enmeshed with my A that I'd lost myself, had no clue as who I even was anymore. I'd been living my life around and for my A for so long, I was just a shell of the person I'd started out being.
After 16 years, I can understand your frustration. You've seen the cycle that you're on and how it keeps repeating itself. You know that you've heard the words and promises before, only to find yourself devastated when they all come crashing down in disappointment and pain. Believe me, many of us here know all about that feeling.
It's true what was said already - A's like to play the blame game. They will also manipulate you in saying what you want to hear - though actions speak much louder than words and that's something very important for you to remember.
Joining alanon may really be a great benefit to you. But also, while you're here, be sure to check out the posts at the top of the forum that say "sticky" on them as there is a lot of great information in there. Subjects about the roles that we play in the cycle, enabling, and so much more.
Welcome again to SR, where I hope you'll continue to come, and share your journey with us.
Welcome to SR. I'm sorry that it is the pain in your life that brought you here, but SR is a great place. So I'm glad that you've found us.
I can relate to alot of what you have said. I fell for my A in the 1st grade so he's been my 'dream' for many years. We were married for many years (a little more than half of our lives as I married him 18 years ago).
Like you, I loved my A with all of my heart. I gave and gave and gave - until one day I just couldn't give anymore.
You don't say how long your A will be in jail - but I'm thinking that this would definately be the perfect time for you to focus on yourself. I'm betting that like me, you have been living your life around the A in your life for so long that you really don't even know yourself anymore. I know that I was so enmeshed with my A that I'd lost myself, had no clue as who I even was anymore. I'd been living my life around and for my A for so long, I was just a shell of the person I'd started out being.
After 16 years, I can understand your frustration. You've seen the cycle that you're on and how it keeps repeating itself. You know that you've heard the words and promises before, only to find yourself devastated when they all come crashing down in disappointment and pain. Believe me, many of us here know all about that feeling.
It's true what was said already - A's like to play the blame game. They will also manipulate you in saying what you want to hear - though actions speak much louder than words and that's something very important for you to remember.
Joining alanon may really be a great benefit to you. But also, while you're here, be sure to check out the posts at the top of the forum that say "sticky" on them as there is a lot of great information in there. Subjects about the roles that we play in the cycle, enabling, and so much more.
Welcome again to SR, where I hope you'll continue to come, and share your journey with us.
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