ArmyWyfe

Addicted, that is really tought to swallow. Well, I am glad I found this forum and I hope it saves my life. We don't have AA/NA and all those meetings here. We live in Germany, and I don't know a lick of German so I couldn't go to theirs. Anyway, my addiction started when I had gastric bypass surgey 4 years ago. Every last one of my friends that had that surgery also got addicted. I actually did good for a couple years though until I had a miscarriage. My husband came home for 2 weeks from Iraq. We really wanted to get pregnant, so we tried. 2 days after he went back to Iraq, I found out I was pregnant. He was SO happy when I told him over the webcam, and I was so happy too. My other kids were happy, they were 4 and 5 at the time. Then, 3 days later, I was cramping and gushing blood. Got rushed to the E.R. and saw my dead embryo. They gave me 10 percs and said there is nothing they can do and sent me home. I kept going back to the Army hospital for more. This all happened in the states BTW. It got so bad that I ended up at 4 different hospitals in our area trying to get percs, and got them each time, except for Vicodins once. One time, an Army doc came into the room, furious, and told me if I don't stop coming in for percs, they will ban them from me and I will never be able to get any kind of narcotics again, but then he sent me home w/ 20 anyway, and I was never banned.

I was always going to the ER complaining of stomach cramps, and each time got the percs. I got pregnant again after he came home from war the next year. Early in the pregnancy, I was bleeding and cramping so bad. They told me I was miscarrying and sent me home w/ percs and told me to come back in for a follow up. Well, when I did, the hcg count was shooting up, so I wasn't losing the baby. I stayed off of percs until 30 weeks pregnant when I was having abdominal pain. I had a surgery only a couple months b4 I got pregnant. There was more than 5 lbs. of loose skin removed form my stomach, so as I got more and more pregnant, the stretching pain got unbearable. I have scars from hip to hip, and pelvic bone to breast bone, and they are keloided (puffy scars). An Army doctor, the man in charge of the whole clinic, gave me 40 percs for the pain, assuring me it was safe. I had my daughter in a German hospital and she was fine, no problems to this day. She is now 3 months old. I have even tried going to the German ER to get percs but that was too funny, they had no idea what that was. I was like, percocet, oxycontin, CODEINE, and they had no idea, and I am glad they don't because I know I would be there all the time, it's just 2 minutes from my house.

So fast forward to now, I have this creepy doctor that almost likes giving me percs. He would ask what helps w/ my pain. I have taken Vicodin b4 but, it's too "strong" and I was always throwing up, so I flushed them. I have a rod in my spine and I go to physical therapy 3 times a week. The surgery was 12 years ago, but 12 years of no physical therapy or exercising my spine has caught up w/ me and I am very tense and have pain in my back. I was given 10 Valium but didn't like the zombie-like state it put me in, and I don't want the Vicodin, so I am on percs to help me get through PT. Now this doctor must have given me around 3-400 percs in the past 2 months or so, in small increments, w/ no problem, and he would wink at me everytime he tells me to go pick them up. Well, he gave me his work number so I can just call them in. One day a few weeks ago, he said "I'm gonna have you come in to talk w/ the pharmacist. She does pain management and can help you out." He held me on the phone as he walked over there and I heard him tell her "Well, after awhile, I just send them over to you." That really hit me hard, that I was categorized that way. So I go in to see her, and she starts BLASTING me! "So, you have gotten Percocet quite often. I was scrolling through the computer and saw how much you've gotten...." I was there for an hour and had explained to her that a lot of medicine makes me hurl, my surgeon said because of my stomach surgery. Percs are best and I don't want anything stronger. Vicodin to me seems stronger. I get Percocet 5mg BTW. Anyways, she put me on a plan as to where I would only get percs during my painful PT, which ends in about 8 weeks. So she sent me home w/ 42, according to our plan, and said come back in 1 week. I went back, and she gave me 84 for 2 weeks. I took them all in 6 days. I have to go back on Tues. and I don't know how much she will give me, prolly 84 again for 2 weeks. She tried giving me Levetiracetam for the nerve pain in my shoulder, but it gives me sharp prickly pains in my arms and legs, like if they had fallen asleep, and it hurts, I keep scratching myself. I also have over 100 Tramadols but they do nothing for me.

I like how the percs make me feel and they just help me get through my day better. She asked me if I wanted a stronger one, Percocet XL. She said I would be high for 6 straight hours and she said she is just concerned about the acetiminophine I am getting so w/ those, it would cut down on the intake of Tylenol if I only take about 5/day, but I declined them out of concern of getting a DUI or something. The ones I have, the high only lasts about 30 minutes or so. I need help. I am afraid of what will happen after my PT when she takes them from me. My husband doesn't think I am addicted because I have lied to him and I don't want him to worry, he has to go back to war for another year in awhile. I am out of percs, I finished the 84 in 6 days, so I am taking the Tylenol 3's that I had around, but I have only 1 more and don't get my percs till Tues. I have never ordered online, and never got them on the street. There is a substance abuse program here on post, but I am afraid that will backfire. My husband is trying to get promoted and they document everything, so his job will find out and my addiction can hold him back, not to mention this is a VERY small Army community and everyone knows everyone. I am just at a loss of what to do. I tried quitting c/t just weeks ago but it was SO painful. I am worried about myself, w/ my stomach and all, me taking these percs is almost like an 8 year old taking them because that is how small my stomach is. Also, I am addicted to sleeping pills, a problem I had ever since I was brutally raped at my mom's house while my husband was on assigment in Israel and I couldn't sleep, this happened 4 years ago. And, if I am not feeling so good after taking the percs (if I have gotten dizzy from moving around too much) the sleeping pills takes all that away and I feel fine, like I never had a perc and I'm not queezy or dizzy anymore, just tired. Any advice for me??? I am so scared. Thank you for listening.

Anna

Hi and Welcome,

I am sorry for your miscarriage and your physical pain.

Others will be along who can give you more advice, but I would suggest cutting down consistently until you longer are using the meds. It will be hard, but it will give you freedom. At that point, you can deal with the pain in your back which may be able to be controlled with something much less strong, like an otc.

ayla zaire

welcome...

i agree with anna.....a taper is probably the best thing with a small dose....and think about being honest with your doctor.....

i'm sorry about your miscarriages and your pain....i've been there, i'm a mother of three and addicted to vicoden......close to 90 days sober....

you can do this.....please join the moms on the mom thread.....you can't miss it.....we post like 500 posts a week.....

good luck....pm me if you need anything....

parentrecovers

welcome, armywyfe - glad you found us. please know that recovery is possible. keep posting! blessings, k

Missymae737

Hello Armywife,

As others have suggested, if you can taper off it will be easier for you to withdraw. However, I couldn't taper off .

I also have physical pain, have had major surgery, and after two years of being HOOKED on narcotics, I gave up the fight. It has been over two months without pills and yes, I miss them. I will probably miss them for a long time. To make matters worse I played with alcohol between the days I waited for my script to be filled.

Know that you are not alone and you are not a bad person, (I have felt that way), just keep trying.

ArmyWyfe

Thank you everyone for being supportive. I am just worried, you know? I had 8 wisdom teeth, yes, EIGHT and had to get them pulled out in "increments". This is a surgery that they totally knock me out for. Well, I have 2 more to remove soon and I know I will be given percs. There is no other choice though, they are pretty far up my cheek and are coming in horizontally. I am worried about how I will do coming off of those that time.

I have always only took 1-2 percs, but my last batch, I would take 3-3 1/2 at the most w/in 2 hours or so because the high didn't last that long. Tylenol 3's are pretty weak, so I took 3 of those, just tapered off my last one a few hours ago. I took some Benadryl so I feel fine, but tired of course. Man how I wish I could go to NA meetings! The pharmacist knows I have a problem, but yet she still gives them to me. But I don't feel like it's wrong because the nerve damage in my right shoulder and my back is killing me when I am not taking something. I am glad I said no to the Percocet XL's though. I tried finding info on those and found nothing. I guess they are the same as Percocet 10mg? I hope I have the strength to stop these after my PT. I'm 26 BTW. If you have quit c/t, how long did it take you to get over the physical pain, and the "I don't wanna do anything" mood? I have been taking percs pretty much for 2 straight months now.

Anna

I'm not an expert on this, but I know from reading around here, that it will probably take about a week before you would feel normal again.

If you can get off the drugs you are taking, you might find that there are alternate ways to deal with the pain you have.

Missymae737

Hi Armywife,

Sorry, I know I keep spelling your name wrong.

It has been over two months and I am still in the "Don't want to do anything mode" To make this more complicated, I crave alcohol to fill the emptyness I feel. Everyday seems like a battle but I keep trying. That's all we can do.

As far as the physical pain, I have learned to live with it. I have my days that it seems unbearable but,I would rather have a few bad days, then living from script to script. The last year of being on pain meds I found that I would run out two weeks early. I would go through withdrawal and wait for the next script. NOT a good way to live!!

You will be ok, just keep coming here for support.

chrisj728

Hi armywife,
I hear the terror in your posts,I have no experience of your addiction my addiction is alcohol from which I am in recovery.Please summon up all the strength you can and listen to others posts to gain extra strength from unity.You can recover, there is hope, may you find peace soon.
chris.

ArmyWyfe

I would truly die if I picked up a glass of alcohol. Since my stomach is surgically smaller, I am not supposed to drink (again, think of giving an 8 year old shots). One time I was in a club, about 3 years ago, and I had 2 small glasses of rum in Coke, and a shot of vodka. I guzzled the Coke down like I was a big shot. Mind you I drove there, alone, and my husband had no idea where this place was. I didn't party often, I was just mad at him that night and wanted to go out.

Anyway, maybe 5 minutes later, everything sounded muffled. Some guy that was dancing had neon necklaces and the room was spinning, the neon and lights were spinning. I crashed onto the shoulder of some girl I met there. Next thing I know, I'm in the bathroom w/ some girls telling me to throw up. I told them I only had a small fry from Wendy's and they were like "You drank on an empty stomach?" Then, I am being dragged out of the club and put into some girl's van. I had used a girls phone earlier that night to call a male friend I had to see if he was going out there, he wasn't. Well, she called him and said he needs to come get me. He was 30 minutes away but came anyhow. He had no idea where I lived and I was passed out. He drug me into his truck and took me 30 minutes away, back on the military post, to his room in the barracks. He gave me Sprite and water and the alcohol was wearing off. He put me in a spare bed in his room, never touched me, and took really good care of me. I woke up, it was 7am, and freaked out cuz I needed to get home. The guy took me back out there to get my car. I went home and my husband was sick w/ worry, he had even called the cops to report my car stolen in hopes they would find me. They had to come to our apartment to confirm I had returned. I almost died that night, I was out cold for a long time. I was stupid enough to drink again after that, but it was just a small glass of Hypnotiq. Well, I dropped the glass and fell to the floor, passed out, on just that. I am very sensitive to alcohol, I can get drunk off half a wine cooler. It has been over a year now since I have drank alcohol.

My maternal grandfather and great grandmother both died from alcohol, and so did my paternal grandmother. My paternal grandfather has been on kidney dialosis for years until recently because of his drinking. It sounds weird to say that pills are safer for me. In the long run, I just oughta be lucky I am not dead, and I am glad you all aren't too. I HAVE to fight this perc addiction so I can be here for my babies. I can't picture them w/o me, and my husband would have them mismatching everyday! LOL You get my point though, thank you guys so much, I will be here often.

ayla zaire

i understand your problem.......how do you manage pain and still fight your addiction to painkillers? i have chronic pain.....basically, i always have a headache......sometimes i wake up with headaches so bad they make me scream.....they are not migraines.....they are often different....sometimes triggered by allergies and often by stress....also, i have to be careful what i eat and so on.....i am addicted to vicoden......but sometimes i have to take it for medical reasons.....in fact, sometimes it's once a week, even now....

i can not trust myself to control my pills.....i have to give them to a good friend, she is a neighbor...and she strictly 'monitors' my use and i gave her full control and told her to use her judgement....we are very close, like sisters....so it would be hard for me to 'fake' a headache to get pain meds....and we openly and honestly discuss the subject often, so she knows how i'm feeling.....if i'm tempted to use, and so on.....

of course , this approach may not be for everyone...but it is a very difficult situation when you have to manage pain and yet you have an addiction to the very thing you have come to depend on to manage that pain....

there are ways to take medications in a healthy way.....but i had to be honest with myself, my family and friends, and especially my doctor.....and we have worked out a system that works for me.....

if you talk to your doctors, and ask advice....and listen to yourself....you can find a way to manage this.....perhaps alternative meds.....the most important thing, to me was to understand the nature of my addiction, and that i could not overcome it alone....

i hope things are going well for you
ayla