Newbie - what to do?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: StL Mo
Posts: 1
Newbie - what to do?
Okay, so I am new and have never joined one of these before. I was wondering if I could get some advice from those of you who have been here before.
My story...Been married 28 years, had 2 kids, got them through college and suddenly my other half decides to start drinking....more and more and more over the past 5 years. I think it started about 5 years ago when he started traveling for a new job. I am fairly sure he had an alcoholic uncle and grandfather. This last year has been the most noticable. I have tried to talk to him but that ends up being a HUGE argument cuz he is usually plastered by the time I get home from work. Oh yeah, he works from home most of the time now, travels 1 or 2 weeks a month. Tonight I knew he had been drinking (I could smell it), checked the whiskey bottle and it just did not seem like there was any gone from last night. After he went to bed I snuck to his office and found a half empty gallon bottle hidden in his office.
So my question is this, when is a good time to talk to a someone about their problem? I tried this several times, always seems to end the same way, him screaming. He gets very upset, never physical. I just dont get it! Finally after doing everything we were suppose to do, we should be planning to have fun again, travel, etc. But he decides NOW he is going to drink himself into an early grave? What the heck is that?
My story...Been married 28 years, had 2 kids, got them through college and suddenly my other half decides to start drinking....more and more and more over the past 5 years. I think it started about 5 years ago when he started traveling for a new job. I am fairly sure he had an alcoholic uncle and grandfather. This last year has been the most noticable. I have tried to talk to him but that ends up being a HUGE argument cuz he is usually plastered by the time I get home from work. Oh yeah, he works from home most of the time now, travels 1 or 2 weeks a month. Tonight I knew he had been drinking (I could smell it), checked the whiskey bottle and it just did not seem like there was any gone from last night. After he went to bed I snuck to his office and found a half empty gallon bottle hidden in his office.
So my question is this, when is a good time to talk to a someone about their problem? I tried this several times, always seems to end the same way, him screaming. He gets very upset, never physical. I just dont get it! Finally after doing everything we were suppose to do, we should be planning to have fun again, travel, etc. But he decides NOW he is going to drink himself into an early grave? What the heck is that?
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: over yonder
Posts: 1,548
Welcome to SR, so glad you found us, this is the greatest site ever.
Kinda a bad time to post as guess everyone in bed right now, but they will be by when AM arrives.
Have you ever attended Al-Anon? That is always a good idea, so much to learn about this disease. also read as many threads here as possible, read the sticky's at the top where you started your thread. Under Classic Reading you will find a list of very good books.
When is a good time to discuss his problem,? I would say never, as even if they do not drink for a day or two or even a month the alcohol is still in the system, and the thinking just isn't normal.
You are not alone, Keep coming back. Take what you can use and leave the rest.
Thing to do is learn to detatch and that seems to make them wonder what is going on?
Kinda a bad time to post as guess everyone in bed right now, but they will be by when AM arrives.
Have you ever attended Al-Anon? That is always a good idea, so much to learn about this disease. also read as many threads here as possible, read the sticky's at the top where you started your thread. Under Classic Reading you will find a list of very good books.
When is a good time to discuss his problem,? I would say never, as even if they do not drink for a day or two or even a month the alcohol is still in the system, and the thinking just isn't normal.
You are not alone, Keep coming back. Take what you can use and leave the rest.
Thing to do is learn to detatch and that seems to make them wonder what is going on?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: By the sea
Posts: 415
Hi there Quiqly! Welcome to SR
Sorry you're going through such a tough time with your husband. After all these years he's gotta go and pull this on you!? It's amazing that his drinking didn't interfere before. Do you thing he struggled to not drink all those years, and then figured once the kids were gone that he could "let go" a bit?
About your question "when's a good time to talk to them about the drinking"?
Well, I think most people would agree that you should attempt to do it when they are sober (have not have anything yet to drink that day). I know with my AH (alcoholic husband) it was hard for me to find a minute in the day when he wasn't intoxicated...I would sometimes set my alarm so that I could catch him in the early morning before he would take his first drink. crazy. My AH never was willing to discuss his drinking either. He would usually just walk away or start yelling at me for something I had supposedly done. According to what I have read in books and online, this is "textbook" behavior: the alcoholic usually will become extremely defensive when approached about his drinking. I highly recommend the book "Under the Influence". It's considered a "classic" of sorts, and helped me understand what was going on with my AH.
Whether you can "get through" to your AH or not, you are going to have to set boundries. And be prepared to follow through with them. Easier said than done! We all struggle with this part.
And, yes, I totally agree with you that they aren't thinking normally anymore. My AH basically turned into a different person. Even sober, his intelligence was incredibly reduced. There's what they call "wet brain" - when the drinking has seriously affected the A's mental capabilities. I believe it happened (sadly) to my AH. Everything changed about him. He even would have trouble opening his email. sigh. They say that wet brain can be reversed in some A's with a commitment to sobriety. And with others, the damage has already been done.
After many, many attempts to rationally discuss the drinking and our future with my AH, it eventually became heartbreakingly apparent to me that he was unable to have a normal conversational exchange. He was incoherent and just couldn't understand (or seemingly couldn't understand) what I wanted to talk about. Talk about "crazy-making"!!!
I hope this helps a bit.
You found a great place to learn lots of info and also to get support. So please stick around!
I look forward to hearing more from you
Like Zoey mentioned, the "stickys" are a good place to start reading (top part of main friends/famly page).
Sorry you're going through such a tough time with your husband. After all these years he's gotta go and pull this on you!? It's amazing that his drinking didn't interfere before. Do you thing he struggled to not drink all those years, and then figured once the kids were gone that he could "let go" a bit?
About your question "when's a good time to talk to them about the drinking"?
Well, I think most people would agree that you should attempt to do it when they are sober (have not have anything yet to drink that day). I know with my AH (alcoholic husband) it was hard for me to find a minute in the day when he wasn't intoxicated...I would sometimes set my alarm so that I could catch him in the early morning before he would take his first drink. crazy. My AH never was willing to discuss his drinking either. He would usually just walk away or start yelling at me for something I had supposedly done. According to what I have read in books and online, this is "textbook" behavior: the alcoholic usually will become extremely defensive when approached about his drinking. I highly recommend the book "Under the Influence". It's considered a "classic" of sorts, and helped me understand what was going on with my AH.
Whether you can "get through" to your AH or not, you are going to have to set boundries. And be prepared to follow through with them. Easier said than done! We all struggle with this part.
And, yes, I totally agree with you that they aren't thinking normally anymore. My AH basically turned into a different person. Even sober, his intelligence was incredibly reduced. There's what they call "wet brain" - when the drinking has seriously affected the A's mental capabilities. I believe it happened (sadly) to my AH. Everything changed about him. He even would have trouble opening his email. sigh. They say that wet brain can be reversed in some A's with a commitment to sobriety. And with others, the damage has already been done.
After many, many attempts to rationally discuss the drinking and our future with my AH, it eventually became heartbreakingly apparent to me that he was unable to have a normal conversational exchange. He was incoherent and just couldn't understand (or seemingly couldn't understand) what I wanted to talk about. Talk about "crazy-making"!!!
I hope this helps a bit.
You found a great place to learn lots of info and also to get support. So please stick around!
I look forward to hearing more from you
Like Zoey mentioned, the "stickys" are a good place to start reading (top part of main friends/famly page).
let it grow!
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 15,540
welcome, quigly. please remember this about your husband's disease - you didn't cause it, you can't cure it, and you cannot control it. alanon and private counseling have helped me with my addicted/recovering daughter. keep posting! blessings, k
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Ohio
Posts: 105
Hi, quigly. Welcome to SR.
I echo what NewEnglandGirl said. Best time to try to talk is before they have that first drink.
I experienced what NEG did, too. All the talking in the world didn't make one bit of difference. I spent literally YEARS holding discussions with my AH, only to finally realize they weren't discussions at all. It was merely me delivering a monologue. I grew sick of hearing me deliver the same speech, the same pleadings. I grew sick of the sound of my own voice saying the same stuff over and over. No amount of logic helped my A because, as I realized, logic had nothing to do with it.
Focus on you and what you need, and keep posting here.
Peace to you~
GHM
I echo what NewEnglandGirl said. Best time to try to talk is before they have that first drink.
I experienced what NEG did, too. All the talking in the world didn't make one bit of difference. I spent literally YEARS holding discussions with my AH, only to finally realize they weren't discussions at all. It was merely me delivering a monologue. I grew sick of hearing me deliver the same speech, the same pleadings. I grew sick of the sound of my own voice saying the same stuff over and over. No amount of logic helped my A because, as I realized, logic had nothing to do with it.
Focus on you and what you need, and keep posting here.
Peace to you~
GHM
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,579
quigly ...Welcome! So glad you found us.
Your story is very,vey similar to mine. AH always had a drink or two, but was busy building and running his business until about seven or eight years ago when it/he got very successful and he hired more people,etc. Joined the country club and golfed,etc.,etc and started uping his drinking. Our two kids were teenagers then. The drinking was causing problems at home so......he moved out and kept drinking. The behaviors worsened and he just divorced me after 27yrs of marriage. It's still all screwy,but I am doing better.....he is doing worse.
Keep reading and posting.....I didn't realize how I was making it easier for him to ignore the problems the drinking and it's behavior was causing in our lives.......now I try to let HIM deal with those problems as much as possible. (of course it spills over and has greatly effected my life and the lives of our kids) but it is better to try to "ignore" him than the pointless arguing,etc with someone who can't and won't listen to reason.
This board has really helped me put my energy and focus back on me,instead of being at the mercy of twisting around in his storms. "Under the Influence" is another great tip,too. What has really helped me are the "Getting Them Sober" books by Toby Rice Drews. You can read a few preview chapters at http://www.GettingThemSober.com.
Stick around. I know the feeling you mentioned; we finally get the kids raised and have saved,etc and it is time to go something together,travel,etc..and BANG...... I feel resentful about it somedays but know that it really isn't helpful, but it is a natural human response to this situation. Very frustrating at the very least!
Hope you stick around and join us; it's a great resourse with wonderful,helpful,caring people.
p.s. Do something nice for YOU everyday....even if you don't feel like it! It helps!
Your story is very,vey similar to mine. AH always had a drink or two, but was busy building and running his business until about seven or eight years ago when it/he got very successful and he hired more people,etc. Joined the country club and golfed,etc.,etc and started uping his drinking. Our two kids were teenagers then. The drinking was causing problems at home so......he moved out and kept drinking. The behaviors worsened and he just divorced me after 27yrs of marriage. It's still all screwy,but I am doing better.....he is doing worse.
Keep reading and posting.....I didn't realize how I was making it easier for him to ignore the problems the drinking and it's behavior was causing in our lives.......now I try to let HIM deal with those problems as much as possible. (of course it spills over and has greatly effected my life and the lives of our kids) but it is better to try to "ignore" him than the pointless arguing,etc with someone who can't and won't listen to reason.
This board has really helped me put my energy and focus back on me,instead of being at the mercy of twisting around in his storms. "Under the Influence" is another great tip,too. What has really helped me are the "Getting Them Sober" books by Toby Rice Drews. You can read a few preview chapters at http://www.GettingThemSober.com.
Stick around. I know the feeling you mentioned; we finally get the kids raised and have saved,etc and it is time to go something together,travel,etc..and BANG...... I feel resentful about it somedays but know that it really isn't helpful, but it is a natural human response to this situation. Very frustrating at the very least!
Hope you stick around and join us; it's a great resourse with wonderful,helpful,caring people.
p.s. Do something nice for YOU everyday....even if you don't feel like it! It helps!
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
If you want to talk to him, I'd suggest you try to find a time that he hasn't been drinking.
More than likely, your talk with him isn't going to make a difference. And I'm not trying to sound mean and coldhearted when I say that either. But he's really not going to want to hear about his problem. He'd rather stay in denial so he can continue doing it. Denial means not having to deal with it and he can just keep pretending there isn't a problem.
Now......in the meantime, I'd suggest reading all you can on alcoholism as well as even going to some Alanon meetings in your area. You'll find support for yourself as well as understanding and even some tools in which to use to make your life seem a little less crazy.
If I'm correct, and you talk to your AH and it doesn't do any good, then you can also look into having an Intervention. I'm sure you can learn all about this at Alanon which will lead you to the correct way of doing so and finding the perfect person to lead this.
Hopefully, during all of this time, you will still be learning, attending Alanon, etc. for you.
Because then comes the heartbreaking point (which seems impossible right now to you as you're already heartbroken) but what if your talk doesn't work and he's still drinking? What if the intervention doesn't work either? What if you find that after all of this - he's still drinking?
Well, hopefully you'll have already learned at this point that you can't control him and his choices, and you can't cure him either, no matter how bad you wish you could.
Which is why Alanon and having educated yourself is so important. Because then you realize that YOU are the only one that you can really control and change. So it's vital that you educate yourself so that you remember and learn how to take care of yourself.
I know, it all just seems so darn overwhelming right now. And you want more than anything for your AH to just stop drinking and this nightmare to be over with. But it's not like that - and with Alcoholism being progressive - it may just continue to get worse. Sad huh?
So, take it one step at a time - one day at a time. How about reading the Stickies on the top of the forum and calling and finding you an Alanon meeting to start with, okay?
More than likely, your talk with him isn't going to make a difference. And I'm not trying to sound mean and coldhearted when I say that either. But he's really not going to want to hear about his problem. He'd rather stay in denial so he can continue doing it. Denial means not having to deal with it and he can just keep pretending there isn't a problem.
Now......in the meantime, I'd suggest reading all you can on alcoholism as well as even going to some Alanon meetings in your area. You'll find support for yourself as well as understanding and even some tools in which to use to make your life seem a little less crazy.
If I'm correct, and you talk to your AH and it doesn't do any good, then you can also look into having an Intervention. I'm sure you can learn all about this at Alanon which will lead you to the correct way of doing so and finding the perfect person to lead this.
Hopefully, during all of this time, you will still be learning, attending Alanon, etc. for you.
Because then comes the heartbreaking point (which seems impossible right now to you as you're already heartbroken) but what if your talk doesn't work and he's still drinking? What if the intervention doesn't work either? What if you find that after all of this - he's still drinking?
Well, hopefully you'll have already learned at this point that you can't control him and his choices, and you can't cure him either, no matter how bad you wish you could.
Which is why Alanon and having educated yourself is so important. Because then you realize that YOU are the only one that you can really control and change. So it's vital that you educate yourself so that you remember and learn how to take care of yourself.
I know, it all just seems so darn overwhelming right now. And you want more than anything for your AH to just stop drinking and this nightmare to be over with. But it's not like that - and with Alcoholism being progressive - it may just continue to get worse. Sad huh?
So, take it one step at a time - one day at a time. How about reading the Stickies on the top of the forum and calling and finding you an Alanon meeting to start with, okay?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Happy with me !
Posts: 680
Just wanted to welcome you to SR.
Their thinking is not normal, sober or not after awhile. My ah doesn't think he has any problem at all, that if he does laundry and sweet talks me until I decide to move back in (Yeah, right)..everything will be ok.
They just don't think like the rest of us.
Their thinking is not normal, sober or not after awhile. My ah doesn't think he has any problem at all, that if he does laundry and sweet talks me until I decide to move back in (Yeah, right)..everything will be ok.
They just don't think like the rest of us.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
