cuttlefish

I'm new, and I posted, and got a lot of helpful responses. The main thing everyone suggested was ala-non. I've never been to one, or anything like it.

What is it like? Does everyone just talk, and share advice and experiences, like in these forums? Are there rules, or some way I should behave in a meeting? Is it like a panel, with set speakers, or a group therapy session? Will I be judged?

I'm going to visit my ex at the family day at his rehab program...they have ala-non meetings there. I'm going with his mom, so that support is the main reason I'm 'testing the waters' of ala-non.

Most important...what was your own personal experience at your first ala-non meeting like?

I've set my mind to going...and this goal is helping me feel a bit better...doing something to understand myself is better than wallowing inside my own head.

Zoey

They say , "what said here, stays here." Might open or close with Serenity Prayer, Each group is a bit different.
Usually read the page for the date from Al-Anon One day at a time.
Sometimes the topic taken from that day, or might ask for topic suggestions. Give only first names.
you may need to attend different meetings, different times and days have different people , We suggest to try 6 meetings, before you decide what you think.
Al-Anon is to teach us to stop enabling, stop worrying, stop trying to change anyone. To understand the disease.
Take what you can use and leave the rest, at meetings as well as here.

cuttlefish

Thanks zoey, your post answers a lot of my questions. Hadn't heard the thing about trying 6 different meetings before. At least this is another way to get me out of the house and talking to other people.

denny57

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-meetings.html

lilac

My "favorite" al-anon group usually takes something from the One Day at a time in Al-anon book and this then leads to others sharing. Starts out with serenity prayer, reading of 12 steps/principles. Each group is a little different, but are go along the same lines.

hope you find a meeting you like.

atalose

After my first meeting I though ala-anon is not for me but a friend suggested I try a different meeting on a different night. The first meeting was alot of older woman and I just didnt feel like I fit in. The second meeting I went to was a mix of both men and woman older and younger, I didn't talk and wasn't asked to other then say my name. I kept going back and I tried different meetings at different locations and different times until I felt comfortable in what I now call my home group. It takes time to learn and understand it all but you are with others going through the same thing as you. The one day at a time is a book you can purchase at a meeting. I didn't get a sponsor right away it took me almost a year until I found someone who had been going through things longer then I but connected with and felt comfortable enough to ask for her phone number and if I could call when I was struggling. After being involved for a number of years I was asked one night by a shy young woman if she could call me when she was struggling or had questions about the program and the steps. It can't hurt you and if you truely don't like it, you always have here.

cave5552000

My first meeting , I really didnt know what to expect. Found out the address and proceeded to go get the help I needed to fix my A. When I walked in the door and around the corner there sat 14 women. I thought.. oh..oh wonder when mens nite is. They all kinda looked at me as if I had made a wrong turn down a one way. So I attended the meeting with all the anger/questions/blame that I could muster and left feeling better but knowing that I had better find a different meeting with men. They would understand alot better ...the woman alcoholic. So I decided to go to a meeting in the big city, surely there would be alot of men . Walked in and down the stairs...and there sat over 30 women..... and not one man. And then to top it all off I had a very nice little lady say to me......I didnt relize men were aloud in these meetings. That was it no more al-anon for me .I must be a wimp because Im the only man goin to al-anon. Hell with it kick her to the curb and be done with it......well long story short I went back to the 14 women. LOL and it has been my home group for over a year now. It works if you work it...P.S. 4 men in the group now

prodigal

I attended my first Al-Anon meeting in October 1996. I didn't get it. I mean, I was completely confused as to whe everyone was talking about themselves rather than the A in their life. I can also honestly say I have made friends in Al-Anon and in open AA meetings that have stuck by me through thick and thin.

Nobody told me what to do, but the love and support I received has been awesome. I truly love the people I've gotten to know through Al-Anon. As they say at the meetings, "You may not like all of us, but you will come to love us in a very special way."

Best of luck and give it a try. I don't think you will be disappointed!

mazey

Alanon is one of the best things I have ever done in my life. It has been a positive influence in many aspects of my life, not just with my A. My first meeting, I went hesitantly/shyly...almost turned around, but thankfully went in. It was a great relief to me, I really had wanted advice, I wanted them to tell me what to do. NOTTA! But, the tools I learned there and the reading taught me alot. I live in a rural area, so not alot of choices for different groups, but I did try a couple. You will find one that feels right to you, if it isn't the first place you try.

cuttlefish

Thanks everyone for posting your own experiences! I'm going to my first ala-non meeting tomorrow at his rehab program, nervous because I havn't been able to get a hold of A's mom, and I was supposed to meet her there. Oh well, I'm just gonna go myself.

Checked ala-non schedules in my home town...enough variety of meetings that I'm sure I'll find one with a good 'fit', and convenient to my hectic schedule.

concolor1

It was kind of like the first time I went to AA (when I was 21 and had only been drinking for two years). I wanted to figure things out . . . With AA I finally got sober six years later, and a couple of years after I quit drinking, the relationship I was in had turned into a destructive roller coaster, and again I went to Al-Anon looking for a way to figure things out (the girlfriend wasn't having anything to do with this stuff although she'd attended some couples groups with her ex-husband, also an alcoholic--surprise, surprise).

The folks at my first AA meeting told me not to try to figure things out but to try the solution (my solution, of course, was some controlled drinking, AA's time-honored answer to this problem). The folks at Al-Anon told me to work on my attitude and make some changes in my behavior, that it wouldn't do me any good to "figure things out."

I'm a slow learner . . . .

I had to get beat up--staying "more dry than sober"--a lot more in that relationship (with a psychologist finally supplying some answers that helped lift some guilt but did little else) before I came back to Al-Anon beaten and decided to give it a go again (I'd tried Al-Anon at the suggestion of my AA sponsor and some others). As with AA, this time it was "utilize, don't analyze!"

What hooked me in Al-Aon was a guy saying to me "If you're obsessing on someone else's behavior, Al-Anon is for you."

Stolen joke time: "What happens right before an Al-Anon dies?"
Answer: "Somebody else's life flashes before their eyes."

A lot of meetings, several more dysfunctional relationships (my "picker" is definitely broke), and I've worked through a lot of the fear, shame, and control stuff that kept me trapped in my codependent prison. But I also realize this thing is a journey, not a destination . . .

JMO, but the posts on another thread about sex are right on the mark. Alcoholics use sex the same way they used booze, as a balm for the pain of their disease. It also serves as a substitute for intimacy, and I know I had to look way deep within myself to let go of my neurotic needs for validation that I believed being sexual with someone afforded me . . .

Codependents wind up with all kinds of twisted stuff in this area as well, and even if permanent sobriety is established, there's likely to be a long period of readjustment and healing before something approaching a mutually nurturing relationship is established.

Short plug for those hokey little slogans, "One Day at a Time," "Easy Does It," and "Let Go With Love"