SkyeB

I collapsed at work over a month ago. The paramedics were called and I was taken to the hospital. Long story short, the doctor on staff in the ER found Vicodin in my purse. After that, it has been a grueling road trying to convince everyone in my life that I am not a severe addict. I know that I shouldn't take my pills because they aren't prescribed, but other than that, I just don't think I am so bad that I need to go to detox and rehab. I guess I'm here because I wish I could find people who can understand things from my point of view.

I own a lovely home in a great neighborhood. My children attend private school. I'm a single mother who also cares for her elderly mother. I love my kids and my mother and have a wonderful best friend in my sister. I do get depressed at times, but I know my responsibilities and I meet them as best as I can.

I don't take the Vicodin to get "high". I plan when I take them...it's not like I'm trying to get high all the time. I take them at 10 in the morning, after I've had my coffee because they help me get through my work day. Then, I take some when I get home from work to help me relax. I take my last pills just before bed, when everyone is asleep. I NEVER take them when I know that I'm driving so that I don't endanger others on the road, because they do make me feel drowsy at times. I don't take them in front of my children, or my mother. I limit how much I take because I know that taking too many can harm my liver. So, it's not like I'm some high school kid who wants to have fun with drugs. I've created a plan for taking my pills that won't interfere with my life and my responsibilities. I just don't feel like myself without my Vicodin. I tried to stop taking them once and I felt horrible, and miserable, worse than when I don't take them. I feel that I'm managing my life well, and I'm not hurting anyone. If it wasn't for my collapse at work, no one would have known that I was on them.

My doctor and other people who have treated me since my collapse tell me I am in denial. But I don't feel as if I am. When I read what I've written, and I think about other addicts whom I've known...who have lost their jobs and their families and who only live for their drug...I just don't feel as if I'm one of them. I think I have things under control. Why can't I see what others see if I'm so bad?

Thanks so much for listening. I have read a few threads here, and I have so much respect and admiration for many people here. I hope that someone can understand where I'm coming from. I'm undergoing treatment now, but it's difficult to not feel resentful and stubborn, because I'm not this out of control druggie that my doctors see. It's difficult to go to my meetings and get help, when I'm feeling so bitter inside.

BBQBOY

Welcome to SR. If you substitute my vodka for your vic's, our stories are very similar(except for the single mother thing) I was a very funtional alki while active in my addiction. My thinking was like yours , " those things haven"t happened to me".......YET......

Well I did not embrace the help available to me, and you guessed it , the "YETS" started happening quickly. It is possible your collapse is a start of a bad trend, or it had nothing to do with the vic's. Either way I would not take this lightly.

The fact that you are PLANNING the times and need to take them to"get through the day" are signs of dependence, but I'm no expert with pills.
Maybe someone will be along with more experience.

Keep posting and try to keep an open mind....NED

Rusty Zipper

skye yep, Denial.. its the enemy...

1 pill, 2 pills, 3 pills more...

its called... a functioning pill pop'r... for now...


nip it now... there was a women on this site... miracal... she tried many times... her prob... denial... now dead... overdose...

face the truth, and all can get better...

i wish you all the best...

xxoo, rz

lostmdboy

This is what I was thinking. I had my entire day planned around alcohol. when someone asked me if I want ed to say go to the movie the first thought in my head was could i Drink, or when could I sneak a couple snorts in. Or if I would have to be sober. Sounds to me ( and I am just a guy trying to get better) that you have your life planned out to fit drugs in. Good luck, and keep reading.

Midas

Welcome Aboard, SkyeB. We'ere glad you're here.

Do yourself a huge favor and listen to yourself. You're trying to control the addiction. You plan it out. (shhhh...you might even have a secret stash somewhere) It sounds oddly familiar.
Vicodin is a morphine derivative & it's extremely habit forming. My grandmother (rest her soul) was addicted to Percocet #3. She passed away begging for another pain pill.

Anna

Hi Skye,

I'm almost never blunt when I read a Newcomer's post, but you are in denial. You believe you are controlling your addiction and in reality your addiction is controlling you. For example, you say you never take pills in front of your children, but you take them when you get home from work. Aren't your children with you at that time? You collapsed at work from taking pills, that should be a huge red flag. It should also be a huge red flag that you have tried to stop taking pills and couldn't do it. They are controlling you. You are taking these pills illegally with no prescription.

I hope you look around our forums and read and begin to understand addiction and how to deal with it. I am so glad that you found us and that you have reached out for help.

parentrecovers

welcome, skye - glad you found us. blessings, k

SkyeB

Thank you all for reading. I can't express to you how grateful I am for that. There are times where I'd give anything to go back to the me I was before I started on Vicodin. But those times are so few and far between. Most of the time, it's so easy for me to feel as if I've got everything under control. I wish there was a magic wand someone could wave over me to take away my fear. I'm just really scared. I don't know how this problem got to be so much bigger than I am. And I feel so guilty because a part of me doesn't want to stop...even though I know I can lose everything. I don't know when I became so heartless.

Well, I'm going to take everyone's advice, and read some more. What a wonderful resource this forum is. Again, thank you from the bottom of my heart for just listening.

SkyeB

Anna, I meant that I lock my bedroom door to take my pills, just so that my kids won't see me. I have an extremely curious six year old boy, and I've done everything I can to make sure my pills aren't anywhere my children may find them. It's a poor excuse, I know. But I find myself making so many justifications like this. Denial feels so safe, as weird as that sounds.

NYCGirl

Hmmm

Would you be okay wiht it in 8 or 10 years if your now six year old was using vic under the same pretense that you are now?

I too was totally convinced that my drinking was harmless... until I realized that my 8 year old daughter could see right through my sober veil....

...and th planning was running my life...

itiswhatitis...

wow...

i live in a lovely home - i have responsabilities i deal with everyday as best as i can - my kids go to wonderful schools - life is good...

i, however, do not take three pain killers not prescribed to me, everyday to deal with life - i just deal with it...

what happens when you pass out at home? - in front of your kids? - with your pills by your side? - hope you can deal with that...

godspeed,
s

Anna

Skye, I totally understand denial and the extreme power of it. I was lost in denial for 3 years and it nearly did me in. I also understand the fear of being in the claws of addiction. I was terrified to stop drinking, I had no idea what to expect or how to get through it. It was the scariest thing I have ever done. Please know that you are not alone. We have all done things we regret and we are all on this journey together.

Midas

Mommy? Can we go out to the park? It stopped raining! Mommy? Mommy!!!!

(pill bottle drops to the floor as you faint)
You awaken several hours later on a Saturday afternoon, to find your child sobbing uncontrollably...


That's not going to be a pretty situation.

marle

Skye, I am the mother of a young addict daughter. She loves the opiates. Currently Vics. (Along with heroin, oxy, crack, whatever is available.) I wait everyday to get the call that she has OD'd. Not a pleasant thought. I hope you can find a way to get help before it is too late. You don't have to go all the way to the bottom. Hugs, Marle