narekkm

Today I needed to go to my house (I moved out 3 months ago) to pick up the tax forms and some cookbooks I need. My AH has been drinking for the past week and stopped again yesterday. When I tried to go over on Thurs (his b'day), he told me it wasn't a good day - he wanted to have no conflicts on his b'day (read: I am drunk and don't want you to see me like this), maybe Friday would be better.

Ok, I realize he'd been drinking and I didn't want to see him like that either, but I really needed my cookbook (I even went on line to find the recipe to avoid going to the house) and went there today. He was sober, but showed all the physical signs of a drinking binge. He greeted me enthusiastically and seemed glad to see me. This is where all my defenses go up like a brick wall. He asked if I would like to go to dinner Wed (Valentine's Day) and I said, thanks but no, I didn't want to be around him so soon after drinking.

I had to get something out of the garage and noticed a bag and box on the floor with some of my stuff from my dresser - some very sentimental and delicate stuff and was PISSED that it was just in a paper bag, ready to get damaged.

I asked him to please let me know if he wants to put my stuff away and I will come and do it myself. He did the same thing a couple of weeks ago with my sewing stuff. These things are very special to me. I realize that I should probably get all my stuff out, but the original idea was that we would separate for 6 months and then see where we were going.

Well, he went balistic with me. Why can't you just ever say anything nice to me? You're always criticising everything I do. This relatively minor encounter escalated into a full blown yelling match between the two of us.

I know it's not the material stuff we argue about, it's about the huge pink elephant in the room that we tip-toe around to avoid the inevitable - mind your own business.

He called me later and apologized for yelling at me and said that he just was trying to get the house in some kind of order. I said, well, instead of cleaning the house, why don't you try straightening out your other problems first. Uncalled for, but I just couldn't stop myself once my mouth opened.

He told me to keep my side of the street clean and to leave him out of it. He still won't admit that he needs help and I certainly am not doing a good job of telling him, either.

Now I feel like I need to make amends for my little uncalled for comment. And the truth is I would like to see him on V-day but I established boundries regarding his drinking last week with him and feel like I need to maintain them

I would love to explain all this to him, but for what results? That he'll beg me to come back, not move the rest of my stuff out, that he'll straighten out his life? No, none of those things will happen, but I still miss him and am so frustrated that I can't do anything about it.

I just don't understand alcoholic thinking and probably never will, I just wish things were different.

This is the first time I've seen him in weeks and my life was going pretty smooth with no real upsets, at least no yelling on my part. Now, I feel like the apple cart has been turned upside down and I need to start all over to detach and get my serenity back.

Thanks for listening.

Karen

Golfman

Karen,

Being a recovering alcoholic I can tell you that you're right. You will never understand alcoholic thinking. If you did, you'd be one of us. After 20+ years of sobriety, my wife still asks me why I think certain things. When I try to explain, she doesn't understand. But that's way okay. I urge you to continue to seek the strength.

By the way, you don't ever have to think you need to start all over again with detachment. You've already learned some valuable lessons, even if they were at the expense of your sanity. Build on what you've already done. It will get easier as time goes by...I promise.

StandingStrong

So, in approximately 3 more months, your estimated 6 month seperation time will be over - and then what? What has changed since you left?
If there are items in the house that have special meaning to you, I'd suggest that you remove them from the house. Even if you moved back in, you would not be risking anything happening to these items while you were away.
Just my thoughts.

As for losing your serenity - been there and done that - ALOT.
It finally came for me a time where I had to accept the reality before I could finally really start healing. Perhaps that is where you are now - still not wanting to fully accept the reality?
I lived on that ember of hope for a long time. It kept me hanging on.
We all fall back on our recovery a time or two - or twenty or two hundred times - we're human, we love the A, and we keep on hoping. Don't beat yourself up. Just hop back on the bandwagon and keep on recovering.

narekkm

The original arrangement for our separation was that I would move out for 6 months and would not come back unless he was able to maintain his sobriety and a job for 6 months.

Obviously, I will not be going back in three months, it will now be another 6 months, and more than likely, longer than that. I feel like I need to give this separation some time, but I am not totally ignorant to the fact that he doesn't seem to want sobriety now and may not ever.

I know in AA they say don't give up before the miracle happens, and I fervently hope that happens for my AH. He is the nicest, sweetest man I have ever known and is tragically, consumed by his alcoholism right now. All his thinking and actions are distorted by his obsession with alcohol.

What a crying shame.