wildeagle

Hello,
I just discovered this board today and feel like I can relate to a lot of what people are posting.

My mom is an alcoholic who had seven years sober until last fall when she started drinking again. She is a binge drinker, and once she starts she doesn't stop until something forces her into detox (like she can't physically get out of the house to get any more alcohol and has to go to the ER). Right now she is on her third binge since she started again, and this one has been the worst. It's been almost three weeks, she barely eats, and she chain smokes and caught a cold so she's always complaining about being short of breath even just laying down. It gets worse every day, but she refuses to go to the doctor because she doesn't want to go through detox again. My dad and I tried to take her to the ER a week or so ago but she ended up making a scene and walking out before they could get a doctor in to get her started on the detox process. I don't think I can emotionally handle another trip like that, it's a terrible experience.

I'm having a really hard time with this. I dealt with it throughout college when she was drinking before and I thought it was a nightmare that was in the past. At that time I lived with her and that was awful, but now she lives alone and I find it's hard to not know her condition, so I end up calling a million times a day until she answers the phone so I can know she's okay. Our conversations usually make me more stressed out because she tells me how badly she's doing but still won't get help, but not talking to her makes me just as stressed out. It's the worst feeling ever.

Anyway, I've appreciated everything I've read here so far... it makes me feel like I'm not alone.

Easeful

Welcome Wildeagle,

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. My 80 year old father is in the process of drinking himself to death and I'm in the process of letting him. In recovery for my own alcohol abuse, I believe that the only one who can stop his drinking is him. In order to stand this and to protect myself from his toxic fallout, I've had to cut off all contact.

I feel responsible for him and I'm hearing in your post that you feel responsible for your mother. But in my case my Dad is an adult and capable of making his own decisions. It's a lousy situation but it is what it is.

With that said, and I'm not suggesting you become your mother's keeper, but when I was going through my own escape from alcohol my Dr. told me I could safely detox at home if I could cut my alcohol consumption by half every three days. It is extrodinarily difficult but it can be done. Maybe your MOther believes she has no choice but to drink to a medical crisis? Good Luck to you.

Ahimsa

Hi Wildeagle...and welcome to the board :0) I hope you find it as wonderful a community as I have. My mother is an alcoholic too, and also refuses to get help. She has been on a drinking streak for about 6 months now (after several DUIs, rehab, jail, etc). And I have had to make the decision to let her go. For my own health and well-being. Nothing about me being there for her when she was falling (literally and figuratively) is going to help her recovery. That has to come from her. When it got to just be too much for me to handle, I cut off contact. It's been about a month now, and while I know it's still a very new concept to our relationship, it has helped my peace of mind immensely. Have you considered what is going to be the best decision for YOU??? Best of luck to you!!!

wildeagle

Thanks for your replies! I'm sitting here trying to decide if I'm going to call her this morning to see how she's doing, since it really messed me up when I did that yesterday.

You're right, I definitely feel responsible for her. She lives alone and my brother checks in on her too but has recently gone through the death of a friend and hasn't been able to handle dealing with her too, so it's been mostly on me. My dad will call her sometimes but has a "don't worry about it" attitude. I sort of feel like they count on me to do all the checking in and letting them know what's going on.

I know it's best for me to not let this take over my life, but it's so hard to not sit and worry about what's happening to her. I feel like if I don't, no one will. I even worry about stupid stuff like, what if she doesn't pay her power bill and then needs to call 911 and the cordless phone doesn't work? I think I am going crazy.

Thanks for being here, it's really nice to get this out with people who understand the situation.

Easeful

>I know it's best for me to not let this take over my life, but it's so hard to not sit and worry about what's happening to her. I feel like if I don't, no one will. I even worry about stupid stuff like, what if she doesn't pay her power bill and then needs to call 911 and the cordless phone doesn't work? I think I am going crazy.<

I understand, really I do. Worrying isn't going to change a single thing that's going to happen. It's just going to steal your joy. That's why I've developed a 3 question check list for dealing with any other adult from my college age son, to my elderly sister in laws, to my alcoholics. It goes:

1. Do they know I'm available to help? As in, "Hey Aunt Kelly, you know if you ever need a ride to the grocery store or help with your insurance you can just ask, right?"

2. Did they ask for my help? If yes, I do what I can without sacraficing my own or my family's well being.

3. Are they incompetent? As in are they capable adults who can make their own decisions. If they aren't (and this hasn't happened yet) am I willing to take the legal steps necessary to protect them from themselves.

Assuming that the answers are yes, no and no, I go about my life taking care of myself and my interests and treat them as I would any other.