So much going on...

Old 02-10-2007, 05:15 PM
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Angry So much going on...

in my head right now. This semester for me at school has been hell. At at the point of giving up. I have so little energy right now. I am thinking about everyone but myself right now. The past three weeks my dad which is the alcoholic in my life had another stent put in his heart, that was hard for me to be at college and not be at home. Second my friends Jennica is bulimic and he killing herself slowly and no one seems to care here at my college, I am depressed, sad, angry, feeling guilty, feeling like a vitimn again in all this. I hurt so bad right now. I hae been working with my counselor and it has been so hard. Remembering my past yes my dad is an alcoholic but I had no idea of the feeling behind that. I am a member of Al-Anon and that helps but lately it has not been helping at all. I forgive my dad for most things but one I haven't yet. My dad driving drunk with my brother and me in the car all the time when I was little and had no say. I father is to protect you an my dad didn't. I am angry about that but great God never let anything bad happen to anyone for that matter. I don't know how to let go of that. I love my dad so much and i feel guilty for thinking these things now since of his heart and him having heart disease and by the way an alcholism cause heart disease if so that pisses me off too right now too. He drank for 13 years of my life and now that he is not drinking and our relationships is growing he is still going ot die because of the years of drinking got to his heart. WOW I did not know that was in me. I am angry because. I am glad i ma letting this out but hate it at the same time. When I was little probably around 7 or so my dad and me we on the floor playing around and I wanted my dad to stop but he wouldn't and he touched too far up on my leg and it freak me out and I was trying to pull away and he would let go and I hit him and he inturn hit me and i got into. He never aplogized for doing that to me. I know he was drunk and that it was I guess an accident but it has had a long affect on me. I wish I could express that to my dad. Comes down to proecting me and he didn't I felt that i did something wrong and i still feel that way a little bit.

I am in my room at school and noone is around and i wish someone was around to talk to. All my friends are gone righ tnow which sucks. I feel so alone right now but I know God is with me I want someone to hold me

Thanks for lettign me vent
Shana
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Old 02-10-2007, 08:11 PM
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Hey Shana-

Well, we can't undo the past. It's such a pat thing to say but it's true. Regrets are the past coming back to hurt us again in the present. Your dad made bad alcoholic choices - driving with children in the car is horrible. But you know what? Google it - it happens all the time. I'm serious. He's not the only person who let alcohol warp his judgement and you need to understand that DWI was not considered as serious in the past as it is now. Awareness was low.

That does not excuse him at all but you need to try to let that specific thing go because he can't make it up to you, he can't change what he did and you'll never really get any kind of satisfaction. Keep working on it with your therapist.

The sexual issue is beyond my ability to address. Please talk to the therapist about it more.

You can't control what happens to the bulimic friend. It's very codependant to let her problems drive you to distraction. She's not yours to worry about - she has her people. Worry about you hon - it's early in the semester and you have loads of time to work out whatever academic problems you are having.

Here's the crux - focus on you. You are important. Your education is vital. The way to help everyone else is to take care of yourself.

When you find yourself thinking about these upsetting things physically stop and make yourself think about something else - like your next paper due.

Take care of you. No one else can do it right.
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Old 02-11-2007, 06:53 AM
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Shana, It's good that you are reaching out, hon, instead of just harboring it all in silence. I know how hard it is to let your friend be to take care of her own issues, especially when she is not doing so according to what our idea of what she should be doing is, but you have got to turn that focus off of her and back onto you. You have done what you can for her; the ball is in her court.....nothing you can do until she is ready for the change in her own behaviors.

Now about you: Do you have a phone list from your alanon meetings? Are you attending them???? When you find yourself alone because all of you friends are off doing their things, call someone from that list. That is what it is for.

I know that as children we look to our parents for love, guidence, protection and many other things. In a perfect world they are supposed to be all those things and more. But unfortunately this is not a perfect world and our parents are only made of flesh and blood and have human failings. As do we all. Forgivenss is not an easy task. But it is a necessary one....not for the person that we are forgiving, for ourselves. It's the turmoil inside of us that eats away at our serenity..... it's the release of that, the forgiveness, that brings us peace. For many of us we expect an apology from the person before we are willing to forgive....it's taught to us as children as part of the process - someone does something to hurt you, you get mad, they say"sorry", you forgive them..and go on your way to play - making up.... but you need to learn to forgive without that expectation. Just realizing and accepting that person for who they are and how they are. That doesn't mean accepting bad behavior from another into your life.... NO.... Just means not accepting responsibility for someone else's bad behavior and making peace with the past as something that happened and you are a survivor.

I hope some of this helps.... I know I rambled a bit. Hugs to you Shana
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Old 02-11-2007, 04:45 PM
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Thank you both so much. Yes Pony i Have a phone list and i need to use it more and talk to my sponsor more. I know I will forgive my dad but right now I am still angry and it is ok to be angry. Today has been an up and down day just trying to get all my homework done and getting ready for another busy week. My self esteem is so low right now I wish it I had more self-esteem I might go back to the affirmations again that did helpa little last time.

Shana
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