Please Help Me!!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: anywhere, usa
Posts: 39
Please Help Me!!!
i come here once in a while when I am really down and need a pick me up. right now I really need help. my 20 year old daughter is an alcoholic/addict. she just went into inpatient rehab on tuesday (somewhat court ordered) and I just got a call I think by mistake about her father picking up her belongings. When I said as far as i know she was still there they said O.K. goodbye. My husband is a over the road truck driver and just left for a trip this morning.
I am so scared and know there is nothing I can do but I am terrified and in tears imagining her in prison. (she has 2 felony charges for hitting 2 correctional officers) and has been told this was her best choice. I am just a total wreck. I want to hold her and I want to wring her neck at the same time. I don't want to call her friends but I want to know. I thought the=is was my best choice. WORDS OF ENCOURAGEMENT WOULD BE GREATLY APPRECIATED.
I am so scared and know there is nothing I can do but I am terrified and in tears imagining her in prison. (she has 2 felony charges for hitting 2 correctional officers) and has been told this was her best choice. I am just a total wreck. I want to hold her and I want to wring her neck at the same time. I don't want to call her friends but I want to know. I thought the=is was my best choice. WORDS OF ENCOURAGEMENT WOULD BE GREATLY APPRECIATED.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Dallas, TX
Posts: 70
frustrated, i'm so sorry for the grief you are going through right now. I was reading through some of your other posts, and you mentioned that you are involved in Al-Anon? If you can get to a meeting tonight, that might be something else you could do to take care of you right now.
I understand the pain of having an addictive child is so different from other relationships we have to deal with. I know others will be along who have been where you are at and who can encourage you from having been there.
I extend to you hugs love and prayers
I understand the pain of having an addictive child is so different from other relationships we have to deal with. I know others will be along who have been where you are at and who can encourage you from having been there.
I extend to you hugs love and prayers
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: WV
Posts: 33
When my brother entered rehab he signed a release of information so that I could call and check with the workers on his progress. Without it, due to HIPPA, they couldn't even let me know that he was there or not. (just for future reference)
I am sorry that you are going through this right now.
I am sorry that you are going through this right now.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: Faith~Hope~Love
Posts: 963
(((frustrated)))
First of all, take a deep breath sweetie and try to stay in today. If I'm reading this correctly, you're thinking she's left rehab and will have to go to prison? If that's the case, hard as it is, it is her consequence for her actions. My son did some time in jail and I truly believe it saved his life.
As moms, this is NOT what we ever envisioned for our children, and I know how much it hurts. Keeping you and your daughter in my thoughts and prayers.
hugs ~
deedee
First of all, take a deep breath sweetie and try to stay in today. If I'm reading this correctly, you're thinking she's left rehab and will have to go to prison? If that's the case, hard as it is, it is her consequence for her actions. My son did some time in jail and I truly believe it saved his life.
As moms, this is NOT what we ever envisioned for our children, and I know how much it hurts. Keeping you and your daughter in my thoughts and prayers.
hugs ~
deedee
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: anywhere, usa
Posts: 39
Thanks for your thoughts and prayers! She did end walking out of rehab and I talked with her for a while. She does the typical thing of denying she has a problem then counterdicts herself with things she says.
I know in my head the right things I have to do however as a mom my heart says keep trying to help. I'm thinking about calling her and asking her for the things she took from home and the things we bought her to go into rehab, shampoo, conditioner, personal needs, towels, and suitcases because I didn't mind helping with these things while she was living at home or going into rehab (I thought as long as she was helping herself in recovery I could help with these things, however she chose to go live with a friend so she has no rules. I don't feel I need to support her in this choice) But then I think this is being petty and I need to let her go. I've heard something like if your not sure, don't.
I'm not very computer literate so I'm not sure if this works. Sure hope so
I know in my head the right things I have to do however as a mom my heart says keep trying to help. I'm thinking about calling her and asking her for the things she took from home and the things we bought her to go into rehab, shampoo, conditioner, personal needs, towels, and suitcases because I didn't mind helping with these things while she was living at home or going into rehab (I thought as long as she was helping herself in recovery I could help with these things, however she chose to go live with a friend so she has no rules. I don't feel I need to support her in this choice) But then I think this is being petty and I need to let her go. I've heard something like if your not sure, don't.
I'm not very computer literate so I'm not sure if this works. Sure hope so
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
frustrated1, I don't have any experience with having an alcoholic child - but I wanted you to know that I imagine that it's the hardest thing imaginable.
XAH and I recently went through an issue in regards to one of our children...while it's not alcohol-related, I thought I'd share a part of it. There is a disagreement going on between XAH and my son. My opinion of that issue was that the rules, so to speak, should have been discussed BEFORE this particular purchase was made. In that regards, that's how I sorta of veiw the issue with you thinking of asking your daughter for the items that you purchased for her during her rehab.
What I've also learned with my XAH is that in giving, I can't expect to have respect in return or expect him to do as I want him to do. I can have no expectations from him without setting myself up for disappointment.
So I'd suggest that you just let it go and allow her to keep the things that you purchased for her and chalk it up as a lesson learned on your part. Remember.....as long as we keep enabling the alcoholic and make things easy for them, then we are part of the problem.
I don't know how much of the step work you've done as far as Alanon goes...but I hope that you are doing these. It takes a lot to stop our own behaviors, but it can be done. You can't change her - but you can change yourself. As I said above, I imagine that having the A in your life being your child is much harder, but I know that there are those on this board that are doing it. I hope that they will come along shortly to give you some words of wisdom from their side of things.
XAH and I recently went through an issue in regards to one of our children...while it's not alcohol-related, I thought I'd share a part of it. There is a disagreement going on between XAH and my son. My opinion of that issue was that the rules, so to speak, should have been discussed BEFORE this particular purchase was made. In that regards, that's how I sorta of veiw the issue with you thinking of asking your daughter for the items that you purchased for her during her rehab.
What I've also learned with my XAH is that in giving, I can't expect to have respect in return or expect him to do as I want him to do. I can have no expectations from him without setting myself up for disappointment.
So I'd suggest that you just let it go and allow her to keep the things that you purchased for her and chalk it up as a lesson learned on your part. Remember.....as long as we keep enabling the alcoholic and make things easy for them, then we are part of the problem.
I don't know how much of the step work you've done as far as Alanon goes...but I hope that you are doing these. It takes a lot to stop our own behaviors, but it can be done. You can't change her - but you can change yourself. As I said above, I imagine that having the A in your life being your child is much harder, but I know that there are those on this board that are doing it. I hope that they will come along shortly to give you some words of wisdom from their side of things.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...c-reading.html
Please click on the link above. It will take you to the Sticky which is full of classic reading. There is alot of links in there that can provide you with alot of helpful information and words of wisdom.
Please click on the link above. It will take you to the Sticky which is full of classic reading. There is alot of links in there that can provide you with alot of helpful information and words of wisdom.
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
At the hospital we try to send home all personal belongingly because they are not allowed to have those things(for behaviorial patients). We started doing this when Ipods and cell phones had to be taken away. That mayb e what's happening.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: pensacola, Fl
Posts: 84
I am a recovering addict and I am 23 years old and I dont even want to imagine what greif I put my mother through. I know there were nights when she would get in her car and she would drive around looking for me in the middle of the night and she never found me. I know there were a million tears cried for me, if not more. When I got arrested and was facing 5 years in prison my mother couldnt handle it, She said she couldnt handle me going to prison but at the same time as least now she knew where I was and that I was safe.
I didnt go to prison but I did get sentences to a year in the county jail. If it werent for that year I had to think and reexamine my life I might be dead right now from being on the street. I had the time to look at other girls who were drug addicts who would come in and out like it was no big deal. Women in their 60's who have been coming in and out since they were 18. And I couldnt handle it. I couldnt ever believe I was that weak and I am thankful for that year. That year got me back on track and maybe your daughter needs a reality check like I did. And at least youll know where shes at, that shes sober, and that she is not in trouble and doing ok.
I didnt go to prison but I did get sentences to a year in the county jail. If it werent for that year I had to think and reexamine my life I might be dead right now from being on the street. I had the time to look at other girls who were drug addicts who would come in and out like it was no big deal. Women in their 60's who have been coming in and out since they were 18. And I couldnt handle it. I couldnt ever believe I was that weak and I am thankful for that year. That year got me back on track and maybe your daughter needs a reality check like I did. And at least youll know where shes at, that shes sober, and that she is not in trouble and doing ok.
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
im2sweet4u1983, thank you for sharing that part of your life with us here. While I don't mean to hijack this thread - I want you to know that I appreciate your sharing.
Many times, I felt that I was helping my XAH when in fact, I was enabling him. Many times, we discuss how we must allow our A's to face the consequences of their actions so that they can continue down the ladder to their bottom, but I know that it pains our hearts to do that.
In sharing your story, I am reminded of why it's so important to allow someone to fall - so that they may climb their way towards their own recovery.
Thank you again im2sweet. It is people like you sharing that keeps reminding me of the things that I am told - I guess knowing it's really true and hearing someone's testament of that is just the reminder I need in order to let go of someone else, detach, accept, and work on MY own recovery.
Many times, I felt that I was helping my XAH when in fact, I was enabling him. Many times, we discuss how we must allow our A's to face the consequences of their actions so that they can continue down the ladder to their bottom, but I know that it pains our hearts to do that.
In sharing your story, I am reminded of why it's so important to allow someone to fall - so that they may climb their way towards their own recovery.
Thank you again im2sweet. It is people like you sharing that keeps reminding me of the things that I am told - I guess knowing it's really true and hearing someone's testament of that is just the reminder I need in order to let go of someone else, detach, accept, and work on MY own recovery.
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
(((Frustrated)))) Both my kids went to rehab, daughter was kicked out at least once, and threatened to be kicked out EVERY time she went. It was a night in jail that convinced my son that rehab was a better road to take... and two years of begging, pleading, fear and terror (on my part) did not give him that same knowledge.
It takes what it takes to get them sober... everybody has something different. The loss of a relationship is enough for some and not others, loss of custody of children enough for some and not others. Each of us has our own "bottom" that motivates us.
As a mom, all I could do was try not to get in the way of that downward path, because the "bottom" was where my kids needed to be in order to find sobriety.
Alanon helps me understand that (as I need to 'relearn' a few of these lessons myself from time to time). I urge you to try some meetings, and if you are attending, to double or triple the number you attend. For that one hour during a meeting, I did not hurt.
((hugs))
It takes what it takes to get them sober... everybody has something different. The loss of a relationship is enough for some and not others, loss of custody of children enough for some and not others. Each of us has our own "bottom" that motivates us.
As a mom, all I could do was try not to get in the way of that downward path, because the "bottom" was where my kids needed to be in order to find sobriety.
Alanon helps me understand that (as I need to 'relearn' a few of these lessons myself from time to time). I urge you to try some meetings, and if you are attending, to double or triple the number you attend. For that one hour during a meeting, I did not hurt.
((hugs))
Still Standing
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Here @ SR.
Posts: 3,296
frustrated,
I agree with the idea that if you're not sure if you should do something, then do nothing. As far as the things that you bought for her, I agree that you need to consider just letting them go. It took me a long time and alot of negative emotions to come to the conclusion that once I gave my son something, that it was his to do with as he pleases. I've learned to consider that very seriously each time I think about giving him anything, big or little. Once I accepted that idea, it took alot of stress off of me. Maybe you could just rack it up as a lesson learned, as I believe someone else has already said. It was an important lesson for me to learn. My son went all of the way through rehab with flying colors and the end was the same as with your daughter. I was always horrified of my son going to jail, but then after he finally went, I realized that he was fine and actually in a safer place that where his choices were taking him. Now I'm facing the prison thing with my son and I'm just horrified to think of my beautiful son in prison. I've decided to turn that worry over to my God and know that He will take care of my son, even in prison, just as he has during all of the extremely dangerous circumstances that he's put himself in over the years, since he started drinking & drugging.
I'm so sorry that you are going through such heartbreak and so many other emotions that we parents have to go through when it is our own child that is self-destructing. I hope that you will be stronger than I've been though and let her fall hard as soon as possible on her own. The sooner the better for both of you. I know how much it is easier said than done. Keep going to the Alanon meetings and coming here. The more often, the better, in my humble opinion. Take care of yourself.
((((((((((Understanding Hugs)))))))))))))))
I agree with the idea that if you're not sure if you should do something, then do nothing. As far as the things that you bought for her, I agree that you need to consider just letting them go. It took me a long time and alot of negative emotions to come to the conclusion that once I gave my son something, that it was his to do with as he pleases. I've learned to consider that very seriously each time I think about giving him anything, big or little. Once I accepted that idea, it took alot of stress off of me. Maybe you could just rack it up as a lesson learned, as I believe someone else has already said. It was an important lesson for me to learn. My son went all of the way through rehab with flying colors and the end was the same as with your daughter. I was always horrified of my son going to jail, but then after he finally went, I realized that he was fine and actually in a safer place that where his choices were taking him. Now I'm facing the prison thing with my son and I'm just horrified to think of my beautiful son in prison. I've decided to turn that worry over to my God and know that He will take care of my son, even in prison, just as he has during all of the extremely dangerous circumstances that he's put himself in over the years, since he started drinking & drugging.
I'm so sorry that you are going through such heartbreak and so many other emotions that we parents have to go through when it is our own child that is self-destructing. I hope that you will be stronger than I've been though and let her fall hard as soon as possible on her own. The sooner the better for both of you. I know how much it is easier said than done. Keep going to the Alanon meetings and coming here. The more often, the better, in my humble opinion. Take care of yourself.
((((((((((Understanding Hugs)))))))))))))))
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: anywhere, usa
Posts: 39
All this support is a big help. It is so hard to detatch with love that I need to hear we're doing the right thing. Like Nina Kay said watching them self destruct is so painful. I am planing to go to a meeting tomorrow, they don't have to many around here so tomorrow is my next chance. I haven't been to one in a while, we were going to parent group meetings at the facility she was in out-patient at.
Im2sweet thanks for your input. It comforts me so much to here the words come from a young person who has been through what she is going through. Keep up the good work!
Im2sweet thanks for your input. It comforts me so much to here the words come from a young person who has been through what she is going through. Keep up the good work!
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Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
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Frustrated, I'm so sorry for the pain you are going through, but you are doing the right thing. It is sometimes so difficult to realize that we have to act the opposite of how we did as our kids were growing up in order to let them learn to face their own consequences and find their own place.
You did well to remember when you are not sure, do nothing. I find that difficult at times...I just want to "fix" things, but the more I practice that, the more I see that it works.
I'm glad you are getting to a meeting tomorrow. I have found the face to face support plus coming here to be what helped me move forward even in the darkest times.
Hugs and prayers for you and your family.
You did well to remember when you are not sure, do nothing. I find that difficult at times...I just want to "fix" things, but the more I practice that, the more I see that it works.
I'm glad you are getting to a meeting tomorrow. I have found the face to face support plus coming here to be what helped me move forward even in the darkest times.
Hugs and prayers for you and your family.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: anywhere, usa
Posts: 39
Thanks for the positive feed back. I do alot of reading from my al-anon books but it will be good to get back to a meeting.
Any thoughts on this? In October my daughter and I were arrested for domestic battery. It was really nothing but to try and keep my daughter in the legal system so she would be held accountable to someone. She is already in the system. It was the worst night of my life. That night she hit 2 correctional officers so she was charged with 2 felonies. After 2 weeks we bailed her out because she made promises to do 4 things if we did this. In the past she has always kept her word and done this. She has done none of these things, the last straw was walking out of rehab. We invested a lot of money in bail and an attorney. Talked with the attorney this morning and if she won't help herself he can't help her. We all agree with this so that's not a problem. My concern is if I can get any of my bail back it would mean her going back to jail. If not she now needs a public defender and the bail money will go towards that. Now I've paid for 2 attorneys. She didn't keep up her end of the deal do we just let it drop or pursue getting our money back???
Any thoughts on this? In October my daughter and I were arrested for domestic battery. It was really nothing but to try and keep my daughter in the legal system so she would be held accountable to someone. She is already in the system. It was the worst night of my life. That night she hit 2 correctional officers so she was charged with 2 felonies. After 2 weeks we bailed her out because she made promises to do 4 things if we did this. In the past she has always kept her word and done this. She has done none of these things, the last straw was walking out of rehab. We invested a lot of money in bail and an attorney. Talked with the attorney this morning and if she won't help herself he can't help her. We all agree with this so that's not a problem. My concern is if I can get any of my bail back it would mean her going back to jail. If not she now needs a public defender and the bail money will go towards that. Now I've paid for 2 attorneys. She didn't keep up her end of the deal do we just let it drop or pursue getting our money back???
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
I'm not sure how it all works. I do think you should try to get your bail back, she will get a public defender anyway. Short of leaving a pint of blood, I think somewhere deep inside, I think you know it's time to take care of yourself. I really believe that her fate is in her own hands. I would pray and turn it over. You can't allow your own light to be extinguished. More than that, lettting her face this is the best and hardest help you can give. I know it's hard and easier said thann done. This what I'd do, I'd try to get the bail back. I would pray over that money and give it the church as a tithe. If it isn't the harvest, it must be the seed.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: pensacola, Fl
Posts: 84
you need to revoke her bail and have her picked up and put back in jail that is where she needs to be right now because she is in too deep. Once youre in too deep its hard to crawl out being locked up away from it will do her some good and help her be able to think about her life and reexamine what they hell she is doing with it. She will get to see the other girls and what years of drug use can do to her body and face. She needs the time away from it so she can dig herself back out of this massive hole shes dug for herself. She needs time to come back out of it. If you care for her you will put her in jail. That would be the only way you can show you love her. She might not think so at first but when all is said and done she will be thanking you. trust me ive been through this.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: uniontown, pa
Posts: 1
Hey frustrated.....I am with you on this. You have to let her lay in the bed she made. She is 20 and not 10 years old. I am going thru alot right now. My son is a funtioning alcoholic (has a degree in computers) Nothing but prayer and alanon meetings and frineds on here will give you any peace at this point. You gave her life, she has a brain and is making bad decisions right now. But there is no talking to them. My daughter, in one year will have her PhD. I raised them together in the same house. I continue to try not blaming myself about my son. How did I miss it? I am a well-educated consciensious , Christian mom.
My heart goes out to you. We are in a boat flotaing togther.
My heart goes out to you. We are in a boat flotaing togther.
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