Mlynn

As many of you know my mother & I have a semi-functional relationship. I harbor feelings of guilt,anger,resentment,needyness,unusual(for my age) over attachment, and a desprate need for seperation/indapendance from her. The relationship is NOT healthy but she thinks everything is sunshine & lollypops and we have this amazing super close relationship. In reality the relationship is very co-dependant & I feel smothered. My feelings twards her are complex & confusing & often times at odds with each other. She is still married to my alcoholic father. He is also NPD and is abusive. My mom says she is going to leave him but never does.

I feel like I am being insensitive sometimes. She doesn't have anyone but me...bla bla....i'm her "best friend" exc exc exc. OK you know I get it....she is married to an alcoholic....yes I understand she suffers....but that doesn't mean I want to hear about it. I am sick of being an emotional dumping ground. I have enough to deal with with out having to be her crutch. She never misses an oppertunity to tell me when something unsufferable happens, or about the drama with her friends who used her, or tell me how depressed she is. This is daily or sometimes multiple times a day. Its draining. Sometimes I just can't take it anymore and I just want her to shut up. My mothers entire family see's me as my mothers keeper. I was offered a job that will allow me enough money to begin to build a savings so I can get my own apartnment.....my whole family has to chime in with thier oppinion that that's selfish....and I should be using any money to help my mom. She wants to divorce my dad, but can't afford to pay the bills with out his income, so I should use the money to pay her bills & just never move out on my own, because she made bad chioces. I'm told i'm selfish(because i'm am attempting to "cure" myself of co-dependence) all the time. I feel selfish sometimes & guilty. My mom has "done alot for me" and she wasn't exactly a "bad" mother. She supported me, fed me, took an intrest in school activities.....I'm sure there are worse mothers...but she is also responsible for my suffering & neglected to meet some of my most basic needs....including the need to be safe from harm. She was a great mom & a horrible mom all at the same time. Tell me THAT's not confusing.

Cecilia

No youre not insensitive. You just want to live a normal life. JMO But did you ever consider that one of the reasons your relatives are so against you moving out is that theyre afraid they might get stuck with your moms drama.

GingerM

But do you WANT to be your mother's keeper? The great thing about being a grownup is that we get to make our own decisions.

So your selfish because you want to be happy and healthy? Then more of us need to be selfish.

You did not ask to be your mother's keeper, you did not even ask to be born into your family. None of us have any say over who we're related to, but once we're adults we certainly have a say over whether we choose to let them continue to negatively affect our lives.

If you were to die tomorrow, would you lie on your deathbed thinking "gee, I sure wish I had spent more time taking care of mom and always putting myself last"? I'm guessing not. So why do it now? You still have life ahead of you. I agree with Cecilia that it's quite likely they want you to be your mother's caregiver because they don't want to have to carry the burden.

Oh, and if you mother really truly wants out of it, she will find a way. If she hasn't gotten to where she's willing to find a way out, then all you're doing is throwing time and money in a pit.

Nothing changes if nothing changes.