trinity82

Dear Mom

All my life I just wanted you to approve of me. You had me out of wedlock. I knew about rejection while I was still in your womb. You remember, the day dad told you that he didn’t want me and would be going back to his wife and his children. I have never met him, hell… I don’t even know how old he is.

I was good enough for you until I was one years old. I am positive that the change happened there. You married that man, my stepfather and had a son with him a year later.

He was your baby, the man was your god and the three of you were the family.
You knew the abuse, how couldn’t you… he abused you too.
His son was his trophy.
You should’ve know what he was like when you heard that he asked his ex wife to abort their baby because it was to be a girl.
How could you stay with him?

I was so happy the day you divorced. Brother went to live with him and I had you all to myself. Happiness turned into stone. You hit me once in the face, do you remember? You started drinking that year. You had men over and I had to bear witness to your drunken sexual behavior.

Then you met another man… your high school crush. How could you do it mom? How could you marry him? You knew he didn’t like me or brother for that matter. But as long as brother was still staying with his father, he was ok. What about me mom?

I was so happy the day that brother’s father died. The abusive ******* was finally gone. Would you be ok now? I really believed you would and I was crushed when I was wrong. You tried to commit suicide mom. Why?

Do you remember it? Do you remember how I had to save you? I sometimes wonder what would have happened if I just stayed quite about that night and what you drank…

Yes, he left you too.

You could just never leave men alone, never forget about drinking just for one day, just for us.

You’re life revolved around you being unhappy and alone. You never realized that alcohol was the cause of it all. Instead, you drank some more, because you are unhappy and alone.

This letter doesn’t even begin to describe how you make me feel about you, about me and about life. There is no fine detail here… just a basic description of how you let me down.

I can tell you details about how you embarrassed me on a number of occasions, but I won’t. Not right now. For now, I want you to see, to understand that you ruined your own life and those of the people you supposedly love. People who have to try and work at it to love you!

You are the never ending victim of life, but you can’t stand up and fight. You can’t refuse to be a victim, but rather a survivor. I’m sorry… I don’t want to be strong enough for the both of us.
I want to survive this roller coaster ride in the deep water, but like a victim, you draw me down when I try to save you. But this time, I’m saving me and my family.

justicej

Thank you Trinity for sharing. It is hard to speak of such pain. Please know that here it is safe to tell your story.

DesertEyes

Wow trinity, that's an awesome letter. thank you so much for sharing that with us. The depth of your compassion for your Mom is really inspiring. I am so glad that you are saving yourself and your family, you have "broken the chain" of abuse and that is something to be proud of.

thanx again.

Mike