dyndeb

I went to my second Al Anon meeting recently. Again, I was unimpressed. They read, everyone shared, I shared. But the lack of connection, lack of feed back left me feeling like, well, I could've done that sitting in the dark talking to myself.

A friend and I (we have matching husbands) went to both meetings together. I wasn't really too upset. But she was terribly disappointed by the emptiness in the sharing. I guess we were hoping to hear something like "I can relate to you" . I think my friend needed to hear it more than myself. She just wanted to know that she wasn't alone in her feelings, that she's not crazy.

This particular Al Anon group maintains a "no cross-talk" rule. I would define 'cross-talk' as speaking out of turn to respond to someone's sharing. I would think that when my turn (in a round-robin) comes, that saying something like "I can relate to what has been shared here. I too felt......etc." would be appropriate and helpful both for myself and those listening. With this Al Anon group, each person shares and there is no connection in what is shared at all, not between members, and not necessarily with what was read before the sharing.

I am familiar with the 12 steps and I can see that working them as an Al Anon is much more difficult than working them as a person in addiction recovery. (After all - he/she is the one with the problem, not me!)

I have not been able to find another Al Anon meeting in my county (at least not on my side of the mountain and I don't drive mountains in the winter) and so I have nothing to compare.

Any thoughts?

Thanks

hope2bhappy

Hi, dyndeb. There is more discussion on this topic under the post "Speaking of Alanon..." I would encourage you to hang in there - especially since you have company. Also, since this is the only meeting in your county (which I find very hard to believe - are you sure?), maybe you could check into what needs to be done to create a new chapter of Alanon.

hope2bhappy

P.S. Your friend is not alone in her feelings, and she is not crazy.

lilac

It took me a couple of meetings to "click". Wow, no more meetings in your county.......Maybe look into starting something for yourself, if you and your friend are not getting anything much out of this one meeting, I am sure there are others just like you. Maybe look into meetings in other counties around you (to go to when the weather clears) . Good luck to you.

lilac

P.S. (from me too) Tell your friend she is not crazy. I have felt like she does........

dyndeb

Oh, I'm sure that there are other meetings in this county - but this is a very rural mountainous area. I just won't go over the mountains in the winter :-)

We have talked about starting a new Al Anon meeting. We just sort of wanted some long-term sanity to help us along!

narekkm

Out here in Calif., my meetings can get that way, too. We strongly encourage newcomers to try at least 6 DIFFERENT meetings, as they all have a different "flavor".

If the members are all old-timers, they might be stuck in the rut of their meeting formats. I would encourage you to get involved in your group by attending business meetings, talking afterwards with fellow members, maybe getting involved at the district level. You might then be able to slowly change the way things are run by contributing your own positive influence.

This would assume, however, that you want to be an active member of Al-Anon. So many people want their recovery but don't want to get any more involved than attending meetings. That's fine, too, but you might get more out of your meetings by having a service committment and getting involved in other aspects - this from my own personal experience.

I have noticed that the tone of a meeting can be made by the first person to share. It seems that if the first share is a downer, all the rest seem to follow suit. Try to be the first share or change the tone yourself.

I hope you stick with it, I have found so much personal recovery just by sitting in the rooms and listening. Take what you like and leave the rest, is something that might help you, too.

Good luck,

Karen

mallowcup

I've often wondered why people can't form their own groups. I hear the same complaints about Alanon. I can understand maintaining soem kind of decorum, but it seems a bit stiff the way it is. Has anyone ever thought of starting their own group?

lillamy

I had the same reaction to my first few meetings. I felt like everyone was just talking about themselves and nobody cared about me. I was annoyed when the third person walked in late and said "Oh, are we talking about Subject X -- well, in Courage to Change, there's this reading, let me find it..." and read the same thing. AND NOBODY SAID ANYTHING!!!

I was just ITCHING because I felt like nothing was being accomplished. They were just TALKING!

But slowly, I started appreciating it. That everyone took turns talking about the subject at hand or about what was on their minds. One woman talked about gardening, and I was scratching my head until I realized that that was what her AH had prevented her from doing for years, and that's where she found her peace and her closeness to her Higher Power. And all of a sudden I couldn't stay away from the meetings just because of what had annoyed me in the beginning.

That was one place where nobody interrupted me. Where nobody told me what to think, how wrong I was, or how they could -- or couldn't -- relate to what I was saying. It became a tent of peace where we could meet safely and talk safely and where... trust and love built by just listening to each other's stories. Those stories have so much healing in them.

BUT that's just my story. And if this particular group doesn't click with you -- by all means, find another one. Don't give up on the whole idea just because of one group -- there are so many different ones with so many different approaches!

BigGirlPanties

Read the 3rd tradition: The relatives of alcoholics, when gathered together for mutual aid, may call themselves an Al-Anon Family group, provided that as a group, they have no other affiliation. The only requirement for membership is that there be a problem of alcoholism in a relative or friend.

I would think a person would want to have some experience as a member before starting a meeting first...in order to know how things work in alanon.

mallowcup

Yes, that goes without saying.