Wife Says she don't have a problem
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Algona, Iowa
Posts: 1
Wife Says she don't have a problem
Hello everyone, this is my first post.
I do not drink myself but my problem is with my 28 year old wife of four years. She was a heavy drinker when we first met and got married. She is a product of a dysfunctional family in that she knows that she was conceived in an adulteries relationship and both she and her sister were sexually abused as children by her step father her sister’s father. She avoids discussing when the abuse stopped or if it indeed did ever stop and to what degree did the abuse escalates with her personally. She admits witnessing by accident or intrusion of father/stepfather on more than one occasion having sex with her sister who is a year younger. Father/stepfather was a cooker, mfg and seller of METH. All three kids became sellers of the stuff in school. Shortly after we met, I ask her why she drank so much and her answer was all her family was on METH and since father/stepfather had been shipped of to prison, supplies was going to run out and booze was cheaper and it curved her desire for METH. A year into our marriage she had all but stopped drinking completely. I helped her step father get released on parole, he got his own and the kids went over to visit. She came home smashed, and P Od. Said her dad had touched her inappropriately and begged me not to get involved, said she would avoid him. She never got the apology from him that I told her she and her sister not only deserved but should. Her drinking has escalated since that night and her self image don’t exist although she is the neatest and cleanest person I know. Help Help
I do not drink myself but my problem is with my 28 year old wife of four years. She was a heavy drinker when we first met and got married. She is a product of a dysfunctional family in that she knows that she was conceived in an adulteries relationship and both she and her sister were sexually abused as children by her step father her sister’s father. She avoids discussing when the abuse stopped or if it indeed did ever stop and to what degree did the abuse escalates with her personally. She admits witnessing by accident or intrusion of father/stepfather on more than one occasion having sex with her sister who is a year younger. Father/stepfather was a cooker, mfg and seller of METH. All three kids became sellers of the stuff in school. Shortly after we met, I ask her why she drank so much and her answer was all her family was on METH and since father/stepfather had been shipped of to prison, supplies was going to run out and booze was cheaper and it curved her desire for METH. A year into our marriage she had all but stopped drinking completely. I helped her step father get released on parole, he got his own and the kids went over to visit. She came home smashed, and P Od. Said her dad had touched her inappropriately and begged me not to get involved, said she would avoid him. She never got the apology from him that I told her she and her sister not only deserved but should. Her drinking has escalated since that night and her self image don’t exist although she is the neatest and cleanest person I know. Help Help
Last edited by marvanwes; 02-06-2007 at 04:54 PM. Reason: error
Becoming a Butterfly
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 904
Maybe it isn't a problem in her mind, but it must be in yours or you wouldn't be here. It doesn't really matter what she thinks. If it's a problem for you, then it's a problem. The real question is what are you going to do about it? Maybe it's easier to start with this question: if you could do whatever you wanted, knowing you are the only one who is going to change, what would you do?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
welcome to SR marvanwes, glad you're here
There's a lot going on in your situation. My first question is what is your wife doing to change her situation? Has she cut off all contact with her father?
My second question is what are you doing for you?
Please keep posting. Lots of support here.
There's a lot going on in your situation. My first question is what is your wife doing to change her situation? Has she cut off all contact with her father?
My second question is what are you doing for you?
Please keep posting. Lots of support here.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
It seems that your wife would benefit greatly from counseling. However, she has to want to go and be willing to work through the issues that she carries deep within herself. Just as with the drinking and any other drug usage - she has to want and be willing to seek recovery.
I also suggest that you look into attending Alanon meetings. As well as read what you can about addiction.
While I wanted to HELP my AH and save him from himself and his addiction - I realized (after many many years and lots and lots of pain), that I can't control another person or their addiction. I can only take control of myself.
It's up to you to focus on what you want in your life and reach those dreams and goals, whether your wife is sober or not.
One step at a time. This didn't happen overnight, and recovery won't either. Hang in there!
I also suggest that you look into attending Alanon meetings. As well as read what you can about addiction.
While I wanted to HELP my AH and save him from himself and his addiction - I realized (after many many years and lots and lots of pain), that I can't control another person or their addiction. I can only take control of myself.
It's up to you to focus on what you want in your life and reach those dreams and goals, whether your wife is sober or not.
One step at a time. This didn't happen overnight, and recovery won't either. Hang in there!
Acting not reacting
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: My happy place
Posts: 1,788
Hi Marvanwes,
Im glad you are here.
Sounds like a really tough situation.
There is no easy fix or cure.
Ive learned that the more I spun my wheels trying to help the addict, the more nuts I went.
Its just hard. I hope you stick around. Im sorry this is going on right now for you both.
Im glad you are here.
Sounds like a really tough situation.
There is no easy fix or cure.
Ive learned that the more I spun my wheels trying to help the addict, the more nuts I went.
Its just hard. I hope you stick around. Im sorry this is going on right now for you both.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
Welcome Marv,
You have a very wounded and broken soul in your life who is desperately in need of help...professional help and support from those who can relate with her situation. As we all learn, there is nothing we can do to change another person...we can't make them be ready to change...to open their hearts or find willingness within themselves. Recovery is a personal journey that can only start within ourselves. I think many of us believe that our love can heal another. The only way love can do its work is by an openess to receive it. Given your wife's history...she likely has stronger walls than Fort Knox. Who knows what will make them crumble to allow for recovery. That is what had to happen for me...the realization that my walls and defenses simply weren't working anymore. I surrendered and joined AA.
You have a very wounded and broken soul in your life who is desperately in need of help...professional help and support from those who can relate with her situation. As we all learn, there is nothing we can do to change another person...we can't make them be ready to change...to open their hearts or find willingness within themselves. Recovery is a personal journey that can only start within ourselves. I think many of us believe that our love can heal another. The only way love can do its work is by an openess to receive it. Given your wife's history...she likely has stronger walls than Fort Knox. Who knows what will make them crumble to allow for recovery. That is what had to happen for me...the realization that my walls and defenses simply weren't working anymore. I surrendered and joined AA.
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