Tallgrl230

Hi all,
My husband just left a few minutes ago (we separated 2 weeks ago) and I have allowed him to drive me insane again. I put up a good front and kept my emotions under control, but now I just want to scream and file for divorce!
I'm hoping some of you might have some insight or maybe you experienced something similar that you can share.
He has been sober for 1 week and says he's been attending AA meeting almost everyday. He's from an incredibly dysfunctional alcoholic home himself and his brother died 2 years ago from alcohol. With all this emotional baggage he's become more and more distant as time goes by. I was HOPING so badly that he'd want to be closer (emotionally & physically) when he gave up drinking. He is more distant than ever and tonight he gave me a list of character defects he sees in me. He actually told me what I HAVE TO do to fix these "defects' and says he can't show he cares until I make changes. He's done this to me for years while he was distracting our arguments away from his drinking, but this just blew me away now that he's sober.
I keep going back and forth on my decision to divorce or wait it out. We have a 3-year-old son and I want more children. If I wait too long and he doesn't decide to be more loving toward me, I'm afraid I'll miss out on having more babies (with a kinder, new husband!).
I know I'm rushing, but I've suffered long enough. Have you found that it's worth the wait? Is it normal that an alcohol gets mean & angry when they are getting sober?
Thanks for your input! Heidi

CodeMaster

Same happened to me, getting sober doesnt make the person nicer as you would hope, its often times one of the worst times to be in or near by!!!!

For me it was the time she grew distant, became a different person (worst at least during that time thats for sure!!) and finally disappeared (sad at first, a miraculous blessing today!!!!)

Take care of yourself, keep coming here to see what so many have to say as this forum saved my life.

Loves to you always

WantsOut

well, one week sober is nice but nothing to bet the farm on. And just because he isn't imbibing at this moment doesn't mean he's recovered. A truly recovered addict, someone who was gaining insight into himself and not just abstaining from alcohol, would not likely give you a list of your "flaws".

He is who he is right now ... today. Can you live with the man he is today with no changes at all? Cause honestly the man he is today sounds really douchy.

Tallgrl230

Hi WantsOut,
No, I can't live with him if he stays this way. He has been MEAN and selfish for the last 2 years of our 8 year marriage and I want happiness. I'm trying to change and grow in Alanon, but he seems more irrational as I get better. I know he hasn't been sober long at all, but I just wish he'd at least be kind to me! I've already had him move out 2 weeks ago because all he wants to do is argue and blame me for everything (constantly!) and tonight I asked him to take our son out somewhere from now on when he visits. He doesn't even live here and he is continuing to give me a hard time daily when he visits our son! Argh!

dollydo

You are the person who sets your bounderies and enforces them. If you don't, he'll walk all over you.

It will take years for his mind to clear up, and, that's only if he never touches a drink again. You are expecting a change in his behavior after only 1 week?
Won't happen.

Ask yourself, where do you want to be 5 years from today? How are you going to get there? What is your plan?

Now is not the time to be thinking about having more babies, now is the time for you to protect the one you have. I grew up in the home of alcoholics and I can tell you, it has haunted me all my life, the scars are real.

Your number one priorty is your child, period.

Take stock of your life, not his...what he does or doesn't do is up to him.

Keep posting, it will help.

Tally

If my bf gave me a list of my flaws I'd probably laugh....scrunch them up and throw them where they belong...in the bin.
Just because he's been sober for a week doesn't mean he's returned to logical and clear thinking...I hope for your own self preservation you can ignore him and his list of "flaws"....

Have you tried writing a list of his flaws? Not to give to him, just for your own mind...maybe he's just projecting his guilt on to you still....Just because an alcoholic gives up the drink, doesn't always mean they give up the alcoholic behaviour...

Pick-a-name

Great for the one week but I'd try to give him (and yourself) as much space as possible for a few weeks,at least. From what I understand, it takes a good month just to get the alcohol out of your system and that is just the physical changes (I think of it like the post-partum period after the birth) JMHO.

Good luck and try to leave him to his program and you concentrate on yours.

http://www.GettingThemSober.com has a book that deals with sugestions for you during this time,I believe. (A few chapters online as a preview here.)

mallowcup

I'm sure his mood is effected, he is fighting a physical addiction and probably trying to identify triggers. What's on his list?

Nuudawn

I'm closing in on 2 months sober (with AA) and I'm STILL a complete nutbar. My emotional pendulum swings from one extreme to the next! So many think that when we give up the booze, the problem is over...heh heh heh..that's when the work starts...and it ain't no picnic.

He gave YOU a list of character defects. Oh man, that is NOT AA recovery!! He is not "with" the program...maybe physically but not mentally. He is still controlling and manipulating...still trying to "run the show"...play the blame game etc. He is still ear deep in his alcoholic mind without insight. Stay away from him hon....he is not anywhere near better yet. Pray for him but protect yourself.

denny57

I would think there's nothing wrong with a physical separation during these early days. You sound completely spent.

He's very early on - still hasn't gotten the concept of not taking another's inventory - LOL. Truth be told, I was also very good at seeing AH's character defects. Me? I didn't have any.

Do you attend Al-Anon?

((()))

came2believe

Hi there,
As has been said, no alcoholic who had embraced the principles of AA recovery would present you with a list of YOUR character defects. That is not what the program is about at all.

I am a recovering A (closing in on 14 months sober), and a codependent.

It sounds like this man is in a very unstable place right now. Either he will see the light and start to work his program, or not. There is very, very little any of us can do to help another person work their program. Surely, responding to his list of YOUR alleged character defects would not help him. Each person must take his or her OWN inventory of character defects.

At the moment, you need to focus on yourself, and your child, and the damage that has been done. Like others, I would recommend Al-Anon. It will help you to focus your precious energies on improving the things you CAN improve. Only he can get his own act together. The separation is probably a good thing for now. Once life begins moving in a positive direction for you (since you cannot control whether it does for him), I truly believe that your other concerns (more children, etc) will fall into place.

As for his absurd little list, I would toss it in the fireplace and roast a marshmellow over it, and never mention it again.

Pick-a-name

Tallgrl230

Ah, I need to get some marshmallows! My son and I can have a blast roasting them over daddy's list!
I've been in Alanon 6 weeks now. It's absolutely AMAZING how much I've grown and learned in this short time. Plus I am constantly reading Alanon books and literature. I was emotionally a pile of misery when I started 6 weeks ago. I was crying and begging AH to love me and get back to the person he was when we married and had our child. When he saw me cry he'd arrogantly heap more complaints and insults at me. He fed on me being weak. Now that I hold my head up and tell him I'll be fine no matter what, he attempts all different strategies to break me again.
His list of things I need to change was another tactic to knock me down a few notches and get me under his power again (so he could mentally abuse me at will!).
I guess I thought he'd at least understand the first step about him having no power over others' recovery. I tried to explain that I'm in recovery and only I am responsible for taking my inventory (and I'm still on step 1!). He asked me if the things on his list were on my inventory list! I told him (sarcastically) I won't take inventory until step 4 and that I'd take his "suggestions" under consideration.
I guess I thought he'd move as quickly as I have in the program. It appears he's still very sick and will be for some time to come. I'm going to arrange a visiting schedule with him so he can see our son, but I'm not going to let him come over whenever he feels like it anymore. I don't want to be part of his anger and control trip!
Thanks so much for ALL of your input! I especially value the comments from people recovering in AA. It's a whole new perspective and very useful! Heidi

Tallgrl230

Oh, not that it matters, but here is his current list of my character defects. He says, "Things have to change if we're going to stay together and you need to work on the following" (this is what my husband says is wrong with me. I don't agree with any of it!):
1 I am inconsiderate of EVERYONE. I am late frequently and sometimes don't follow through with plans.
2 I need to stop talking with a male friend of mine who is romantically interested in me
3 I need to go to bed earlier and get up earlier. I am a night owl and he says it isn't "normal' that I stay up until 2AM, then sleep until 8:30 AM.
4 I need to get my son to preschool every single day. Even if my son has a bad night and needs rest, I am to get him up and take him anyway. I was a teacher before I became a stay-at-home mom, so you'd think he'd show a little more respect!

That's all I can think of right now, but he'd go on for days if I listened! I know I need to disregard his comments. It's just so hard when he picks on my fear of abandonment and says he doesn't want to be with me if I don't fix these "flaws". He gave me a different list back in August and I actually changed EVERY behavior that was bothering him...and you know what?? It didn't make a difference at all! I wish I'd been in Alanon then!

denny57

Nah, I wouldn't think that at all LOL.

I learned that lesson, too, post divorce filing, that NOTHING I did would make a difference.

Hope you can let it go.

((()))

Tallgrl230

I went to an Alanon meeting tonight and found a lot of support there. Thanks so much for all your input!
Does anyone know about how long it takes for sober alcoholics to stop being angry and blaming their codependents for everything? I hope he's learning something in AA.

mallowcup

I think he may be getting advice about some of the triggers and things that are bothering him, he is pretty early on in recovery but do you think that anything on his list if reasonable? He is an alcoholic but his list doesn't seem ridiculous. I can see where receiving a list would be insulting but it's insulting to keep a man around as a friend who you know is interested romanticaly, that seems equally disrespectful. I can see someone suggesting making a lost if these are topics that the two of you can't talk about. The point is, he made a list, you are going to roast marshmallows over the list. That is pretty much it, is't it? I can see that maybe just a week into recovery, a small child might be a bit of a test. Are you inconsiderate and are you often late? All of these issues could have been smoldering and this is the best way for him to address them to avoid an arguement.
I think it'smore important to work the program efficiently than to work it fast. I wish you luck. Do you pray together? I would just give this time, it's a process. In his recovery he has to face some ugly things about himself and I think we do too. Congradulations to you both for your efforts, one week of recovery is a good start. Just food for thought, when we hand someone our boundaries and expect them to be taken seriously, we have to realize someone may hand us their boundaries. I have a feeling he wants to you know what critisism feels like and ultimatums. He's facing many.

Pick-a-name

Interesting way to look at some things.......you do have a point. Thanks. There have been some valid complaints AH has thrown my way but just thinking that HIS offenses make mine pale does not mean that I do not have my own "issues". I see how I am guilty of that (working on getting better as I concentrate on keeping my side of the street clean). I guess it is a balance of being aware of where I can improve my life (and actions) and not allowing myself to become a dumping-ground for his blaming. Another process IMHO.

Thanks.

p.s. fwiw:I thought the male friend issue seemed like a valid issue,especially if you are already having problems between the two of you.

Nuudawn

Probably about as long as it takes codies to stop asking questions about individuals who don't actually treat us with any respect and caring.

denny57

Yes, a list might be fine; and some self-examination never hurts. But when someone says they can't show they care about me until I change for them?
Not a rat's ____ chance.