hope2bhappy

This post is in relation to the previous post about Alanon. I started a new thread because I would like some individual feedback on my own experience.

When you are new to alcoholism, you are completely ignorant about the disease. You don't know where to begin. You are filled with questions and despair. I attended my first Alanon meeting about 15 years ago when I was in deep despair. I was lost... really lost. I needed answers. I needed guidance. I found the people at Alanon to be very nice, but there was a definite click. I felt out of place. They were much farther along in their own recoveries, and this made me feel even more out of place. I was shy. I was ashamed of my situation. I was in terrible pain. These feelings themselves made me feel even more out of place.

I needed answers, but I was never really allowed to ask questions. In the meetings I attended, it was all very organized. The designated leader for the meeting would select a topic to be discussed (the subject had to be organization approved). Then we would break up into smaller groups, sit in a circle and each person took a turn giving their viewpoint about the selected topic for the evening. Often, the topic had NOTHING to do with how I was feeling. There was no discussion of personal feelings. No one offered any "advice" such as "this is how I handled that situation." When I would ask for advice, I was told they were not allowed to give it. I had such a desire to learn how to get well, but my needs were not being met. Is this the way Alanon is supposed to be, or had I found a bum meeting?

But I dutifully attended meetings every week for more than four months. I kept thinking "I'm not getting it... I must be missing something." All the while, I was having to stuff my feelings -- never allowed to talk about them. Everyone else in there seemed to have some secret knowledge. I didn't know how to access it. I was just as lost as I was when I first started. So... I eventually quit going.

I kept studying the literature and my One Day At A Time book. I must have bought every audiotape Hazelden offered. It took years before I could finally get my focus off the alcoholic, but I finally did. I didn't really have a choice but to move on. My AH wasn't participating in the marriage anymore, he was too removed by his disease. I created a life for myself. I work full time, I go to exercise classes 3 times a week, I socialize on the weekends with friends, go to lunch with friends, developed a hobby which has led to a small online business on the side... I filled my life with things that I enjoyed doing and things I could do WITHOUT my AH. This is how I have survived all these years. THIS is how I managed to stay in my marriage.

Now that my AH is in recovery, I could probably go back to Alanon and wear that Mona Lisa smile that everyone else was wearing. I now know the "secret." I am now able to keep the focus on me. But what I learned, I did not learn at Alanon.

I'm not trying to knock Alanon, as it is very popular and works for many people. I'm just telling you my experience, and how it did not really help me.

But I would really like to know... are all Alanon meetings like that, or did I just hook up with a bad one?

GlassPrisoner

If Alanon is anything like AA, you picked a bad meeting. Our primary purpose is to stay sober and help other alcoholics acheive sobriety.

Doesn't sound to me like they were giving away what they were freely given.

denny57

I wear a smile and I am divorcing. There is no "secret" that everyone was not sharing. If you studied the literature, read your ODAT, listened to the tapes and over the years learned to detach, I'd say it falls under the take what you like and leave the rest. You didn't find a meeting you fit in with (you don't say if you tried any others) but you used the tools and principles.

Al-Anon meetings, or the 12 steps, are not for everyone. It is true advice is not given, because no one can tell someone else what to do. It is a program of suggestion.

I think it's terrific you were able to carve a life for yourself and the bonus - your husband is in recovery. Congrats!

appleblaster

The meeting format you've described sounds uncomfortable. I was a bit surprised that crosstalk was discouraged when I first attended al-anon. But I quickly learned that it works. The topic was never pre-approved, we could talk about whatever we wanted. A topic is suggested by the person charing the meeting however it is said "this is your meeting, say what's on your heart and your mind" that works. I always walk away with something that helps.

Maybe there are other meetings in your city? Perhaps the meeting format can be reconsidered. Others in your group may feel the same way but aren't saying anything. After all, the room is full of people-pleasers. : )

angelonmyshould

It seems to me you ended up at a bad meeting for you. At the meetings I attend it is always asked if there is any good news, bad news, or anything someone has to get thrown on the table to discuss. This is how we find our topic, and how we can share our experience, strength and hope. Please give Al-Anon a second chance at a different meeting. Sometimes it takes going to alot of different meetings to finally find a place to call home.

Crumbs

I too went to Alanon hoping that someone would have the answers for me. WOuld be able to tell me if I was crazy or reassure me that the problems that I was going through were "normal" to the disease. I have attented five meetings so far. Still new at this but have realized that a most people do not talk about what has happened to them and do not give suggestions. They just keep telling me "keep coming." I still am not sure what I am getting out of it but I keep going back thinking someone is going to say something that is going to make sense to me.

lilac

I went to many meetings before I found the "one". Don't give up.

queenteree

Two years ago I tried AlAnon for over 4 months. I had a very similar experiences as hope2behappy, and I tried different meetings all over Long Island, because they said if you didn't fit in at one meeting, try others till you do. Well I tried alot. I never walked out of there positive. There were no answers, advice, cross talk, nothing that had helped me. The suggested reading and topics did nothing for me. And all I heard was "keep coming back, it works." It didn't for me. I needed to understand the disease, I needed answers to why I was feeling the way I do and doing the things I do, and I needed feedback, which is something AlAnon doesn't give. SR and weekly individual therapy (which I get through my insurance since it's alcohol related - AH is alcoholic) has helped me immensely, especially SR. In the months I have been coming here, I am a totally different person, not just with the A in my life, but with my life and the people in it in general.
Anyway, as for AlAnon - not for me.

cmc

I got plenty of feedback in Alanon... without any crosstalk involved. If I was sharing something during 'my turn' to share, oftentimes someone would have a comment or a reading to address what I shared. It can be done by simply giving 'I' messages such as "I used to enable my son by doing..." or "I thought I could control him/her... one time I did this......" If I heard a 'share' on detaching for example I would look up a page in Courage To Change or ODAT..and offer to read on that subject.
That is not crosstalk because I am sharing something without saying to the other..."you should or shouldn't do this" nor was I directly addressing any one thing that was shared. There are enough generalities in this disease that this type of sharing works well.
I have found some _very_ bad meetings too... some where the group decided it was okay to applaud someone who detached in anger! Tightly controlled and rigid rules.... sounds about right for a good codie meeting!
Right now I am not attending any meetings- because the one I love the most is just too far away and does not fit with my schedule. I have attended Alanon for over 8 years and most of that was at that one 'home meeting' in another town, and I still visit whenever I can.
I hope that anyone here who is new to this will KEEP TRYING to find a meeting that is helpful. It's also good to remember that even a good meeting can seem to not be helpful at first... it's all about where "I" am at the time I walk through the door. The way it is set up though ..is to give anyone who attends the freedom to take what they like and leave the rest. If anyone wants to get involved, attend business meetings for the group etc... changes can be made in how a group handles things if others agree to vote for it.

denny57

This really points out how different it can be for everyone - I learned all those things, and more, in Al-Anon. Including feedback. An important thing I learned early on - by being of service - is my best feedback comes in the pre-meeting, post-meeting, coffees and phone calls.

I always encourage trying Al-Anon because it worked for me. Along with therapy, SR, lectures, doctor's visits, open AA meetings, reading, etc. I always say after that - add all of it and it's still less time than I spent obsessing on the alcoholic personally.

Hugs to all.

hope2bhappy

I encourage everyone to try Alanon. Try ANYTHING that will get you started on the road to YOUR recovery. I tried it, and it did not work for "me." But now that I'm in a different place (with AH in recovery), I will try it again, and this time I might feel differently. But I completely agree that SR has been instrumental in my progress.

To those of you out there who are old-timers in Alanon, I encourage you to make a special effort to reach out to the newcomers. They have SO far to go. And that first step into your first Alanon meeting can be terrifying. I imagine that it is much like the first step an alcoholic takes when he decides to get sober.

Mr. Christian

WOW.

Great topic, I have a few things to say about this. I went in a mess, oh yeah a real mess and they took me in.
They were all very kind and I immediately got very involved. I don’t just mean with meeting but I did literature, helped with fund raising, did art work for the OC chapter, worked with the teens, and fell into the elite group of old timers which was nice.

I was involved with every function, readings, groups, 4 to 5 meetings a week and I was consumed.
New members would call me for advice and everyone seemed to know me.
I got a certain peace out of it and my time was used in helping others and me.

But after some time I saw that it was really going in circles for me. I saw a lot of the same people doing the same thing all the time, talking about the same stuff and rehashing all the crap over and over. I did this also at 1st but some of these people were doing it still after ten years.
I also found myself not being able or not even wanting to make a decision on my own with out talking to either my sponsor or another member.

So one day I stopped.

It was very strange at 1st but then it was ok. I really did think it helped me to go, but I also feel that I need to leave also.

I still go from time to time, but I feel stronger in the fact that I do more for myself now.

elizabeth1979

I went to alot of meetings...some good, some bad.
Some things dont work for everyone. I needed cross talk and open dialogue more in my early recovery than now. I think this is because I had no clue how to process what I was feeling. I needed someone to tell me what to do..but then when anyone did I was all bent out of shape about being bossed around. My brain and emotions were just shot.

I really think beginner meetings are what helped me the most early on.
I also read the literature alot before I had the guts to go to a meeting.
I used to go to open AA meetings before I went to Al-anon (still go to a few a month) and wanted to throw up when I heard "it works if you work it". I was like, Oh God spare me puhlease." It all seemed so cliche and cultlike and just really dumb....now, not so dumb!!!

For me, al-anon works.

I dont smile all the time. But I can smile and I know its ok if I dont want to also and thats ok for me now

dayxday

I have found the meetings I attend that others share experiences based on what someone before them shared. Sometimes their sharing is exactly something I am feeling and I gain insight into my own issues.

I find that I too have questions, that don't always get answered at meetings, but I usually find something helpful here at SR and if not I talk to my therapist about it.

Working with it on my own by reading books, attending meetings and sharing here (every little bit helps) keep me moving forward, otherwise I would be standing in one place while the cloud of dust from the problems circles around me.

nocellphone

I appreciate Al-Anon for allowing me, through not giving feedback or advice, to find my own answers. Since no one in those rooms is living my life, their advice, while certainly well-meaning, might not be the right advice and could potentially do more harm than good. In this way, Al-Anon has taught me the value of detachment with love.

For me, recovery is not just in the meetings I attend. If it was, I'd have some serious problems the other 23 hours of the day. Through members' sharings, Al-Anon meetings point me to the tools I use in my daily recovery: sponsorship, the Steps, literature, prayer, slogans, service, sharing one-to-one with other members before or after meetings. Through these, my answers come.

At one of my first meetings, I shared what was basically emotional vomit all over the room, pouring my blood and guts onto the floor for all to see, and I wanted to be fixed, right then and there. Imagine my frustration when all they said was "Keep coming back"! Believe me, I wanted to scream and slap people in their serene little heads...

But I didn't need them to advise me or to fix me. What I needed was what I never got in my alcoholic home: unconditional love and support, one meeting at a time. That's what they gave me, and whether I knew it or not, my healing had begun.

When I hear advice or crosstalk at a meeting, I hear someone trying to control, and I cringe. Control comes from a place of fear; recovery comes from a place of love. I never need anyone in a meeting to give me direct feedback; I need to be heard, and to hear myself move from the insanity of the disease to a clearer place of healing.

I used to think that Al-Anon had it all wrong, and that I would show 'em the right way. Turns out, whatever they'd been doing in the nearly-50 years before I showed up was working just fine...

BigGirlPanties

It works........if you work it,work at it.

I generally find that when something is so sucessful for so many, and yet not me, the dividing factor was probably me....and my attitude.

hope2bhappy

In my Alanon meetings, there was no crosstalk, no sharing. It was all a very ridgid, pre-planned discussion. No deviation from the topics. I didn't want anyone to "tell" me what to do, so much as I "needed" someone to validate my pain and share their own experiences with me so that I could see through the fog. In the 4 to 6 months I attended, no one ever offered to be my sponsor, and I was much too shy and afraid to ask about it. They were so rigid with their program, I mostly kept my mouth shut until it was my turn to speak. A friend of mine began dating the son of one of the "head honchos" at the meeting. She started coming to the meetings and was immediately taken under the wing of the head honcho and taken into the group "click." I was SO on the outside looking in.

I'm sure that some of it WAS me, BigGirl. But I still think the old-timers should have reached out a little farther. Not all of us have outgoing personalities and can jump right into a room full of strangers. Especially when we already feel self-conscious and bad about ourselves.

On this subject, I guess some of us will just have to agree to disagree. I'm sure I must have found a bad meeting. I appreciate everyone's input. It has been very helpful.

dyndeb

I went to my second Al Anon meeting recently. Again, I was unimpressed. They read, everyone shared, I shared. But the lack of connection, lack of feed back left me feeling like, well, I could've done that sitting in the dark talking to myself.

A friend and I (we have matching husbands) went to both meetings together. I wasn't really too upset. But she was terribly disappointed by the emptiness in the sharing. I guess we were hoping to hear something like "I can relate to you" . I think my friend needed to hear it more than myself. She just wanted to know that she wasn't alone in her feelings, that she's not crazy.

This particular Al Anon group maintains a "no cross-talk" rule. I would define 'cross-talk' as speaking out of turn to respond to someone's sharing. I would think that when my turn (in a round-robin) comes, that saying something like "I can relate to what has been shared here. I too felt......etc." would be appropriate and helpful both for myself and those listening. With this Al Anon group, each person shares and there is no connection in what is shared at all, not between members, and not necessarily with what was read before the sharing. We were given no phone numbers, no one introduced themselves to us, no one offered to talk to us after the meeting, or offered information about other meetings in our area.

I am familiar with the 12 steps and I can see that working them as an Al Anon is much more difficult than working them as a person in addiction recovery. (After all - he/she is the one with the problem, not me!) I know that I need to keep the focus on myself, But I am at a loss to help my friend understand this - why it's necessary, how it's helpful. I was so disappointed that the Al Anon members did not seem interested in helping her.

After discussing this with a member, I was left feeling that one must 'earn' the privilige of support by coming to meetings long enough.

I have not been able to find another Al Anon meeting in my county (at least not on my side of the mountain and I don't drive mountains in the winter) and so I have nothing to compare.

Of course, this could also be why Al Anon seems to have a difficult time keeping meetings going. Although this group has been around for well over 20 years, it has lapsed for years at a time.

denny57

I'd like to comment on both posts. No one approaches another to volunteer to be a sponsor.

A huge part of the 12 steps is taking responsibility for myself. I am NOT an old-timer - I've been going a little over a year. It is a program where we are encouraged to think and act for ourselves - an idea that was so foreign to me by the time I walked in.

I'm not pushing the program on you in particular, hope2, because I always say it is not for everyone. I have seen other people in my meetings who feel as you do; they usually share at a group conscience in particular about the sponsor issue; how they are shy, self-conscious and feeling bad about themselves already.

Believe me, a roomful of codependents would LOVE to jump in and heal each other's pain and tell everyone else what THEY should do.

I also at first wanted to hear "I relate to you" because I was conditioned to need that validation. Al-Anon has given me the gift of looking to myself for validation. I pretty much sat in meetings for a year just listening. I came to understand that of course everyone could relate to me. Changing my thinking - including trying to control Al-Anon meetings - was a HUGE challenge for me.

I also think if we go in anywhere looking for cliques, we will find them.

All in all hope2, it sounds like you found a path that worked for you and I'm grateful you shared it here so others can see there are many roads to recovery; the important thing is to get on one and keep putting one foot in front of the other.

((()))

dyndeb

While that does sound logical, how can you be sure that something is successful for the majority, when those who find it unsuccessful are no longer around to be counted? Al Anon has never achieved the numbers that AA has. Could the cold, distant approach be why?

I my geographic area, I had simply come to the conclusion that individuals are loathe to get too close, too soon due to issues of anonymity and privacy. But truthfully, I know more people who have dropped out of this Al Anon group than there are present members. So how can I conclude that the group must be right?