Can't stand the lying
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Santa Rosa, CA
Posts: 34
Can't stand the lying
I haven't posted here in a while....
Three months ago, after another relapse, I told my AH that I couldn't live with his insanity any longer and that I was going to move out until he could find some recovery (actually, so that both of us could get recovery). Of course, after saying this I looked for a hundred reasons to stay, but eventually we decided that a 6 month separation would give us time to get well.
I said that my minimum "progress" for him would be to be gainfully employed for 6 months, staying sober for 6 months and having some kind of program. These are non-negotiable for me.
Well, about 1 month into our separation, he relapsed again. Tried to vehemently deny it as I am staring at his head shaking like one of those bobble heads in the back window of your car. I said that I could almost deal with the drinking but absolutely CANNOT deal with the lying.
Well, I've been having some health problems lately and have suspected that there has been some intermitent drinking but last week he called me at work, drunk, to tell me that the radiologist's office called and it was very i m p o r t a n t (read: talking really slow and deliberate) that I call them about some tests that needed to be run. (My radiologist did not have my new #) My co-worker who answered the phone knew he was drunk, and it only took a few words from his mouth for me to figure it out, too.
I have ways of "knowing" he's been drinking without talking to him. He's such a creature of habit, that the least deviation from his norm is very suspect. He didn't open emails for about 5 days, was taking money daily from the ATM machine and charging at the little mini-mart around the corner about $10 a shot (enough for a pint). Then he calls me the day of my tests to tell me that I needed to call the Dr. by 3:00 pm the PREVIOUS day or they were cancelling my CT exam. Why didn't you tell me yesterday? I was out. Yeah, you were probably passed out, not out of the house.
He calls today, sober I think since Wednesday, and can't figure out why I am not acting very friendly. HELLO....don't you remember me telling you that you were drunk??? He is sooo delusional thinking that if he denies it enough, I'll agree with him. Sick man, I've dealt with his lying for so long about his drinking. However, the lying is a deal breaker for me. I know that the A lies as easily as he breathes, but it is my boundry with him. I told him that until he admitted what has been going on, I did not want to talk to him. FINE!
Five minutes later he calls to tell me his boundries. He's not going to be around someone who accuses him of things he didn't do. FINE with me.
The problem is, that I have always felt he is the love of my life and it just kills me to know that I am utterly powerless over his drinking and his recovery. I want the man back that I fell in love with. Enough of this sickness, knowing that unless HE wants sobriety, there isn't anything I can do except take care of myself and my own recovery. What a waste of a life. He's such a nice man, too.
They say miracles happen everyday, I just wish that today was his.
Thanks for listening
Three months ago, after another relapse, I told my AH that I couldn't live with his insanity any longer and that I was going to move out until he could find some recovery (actually, so that both of us could get recovery). Of course, after saying this I looked for a hundred reasons to stay, but eventually we decided that a 6 month separation would give us time to get well.
I said that my minimum "progress" for him would be to be gainfully employed for 6 months, staying sober for 6 months and having some kind of program. These are non-negotiable for me.
Well, about 1 month into our separation, he relapsed again. Tried to vehemently deny it as I am staring at his head shaking like one of those bobble heads in the back window of your car. I said that I could almost deal with the drinking but absolutely CANNOT deal with the lying.
Well, I've been having some health problems lately and have suspected that there has been some intermitent drinking but last week he called me at work, drunk, to tell me that the radiologist's office called and it was very i m p o r t a n t (read: talking really slow and deliberate) that I call them about some tests that needed to be run. (My radiologist did not have my new #) My co-worker who answered the phone knew he was drunk, and it only took a few words from his mouth for me to figure it out, too.
I have ways of "knowing" he's been drinking without talking to him. He's such a creature of habit, that the least deviation from his norm is very suspect. He didn't open emails for about 5 days, was taking money daily from the ATM machine and charging at the little mini-mart around the corner about $10 a shot (enough for a pint). Then he calls me the day of my tests to tell me that I needed to call the Dr. by 3:00 pm the PREVIOUS day or they were cancelling my CT exam. Why didn't you tell me yesterday? I was out. Yeah, you were probably passed out, not out of the house.
He calls today, sober I think since Wednesday, and can't figure out why I am not acting very friendly. HELLO....don't you remember me telling you that you were drunk??? He is sooo delusional thinking that if he denies it enough, I'll agree with him. Sick man, I've dealt with his lying for so long about his drinking. However, the lying is a deal breaker for me. I know that the A lies as easily as he breathes, but it is my boundry with him. I told him that until he admitted what has been going on, I did not want to talk to him. FINE!
Five minutes later he calls to tell me his boundries. He's not going to be around someone who accuses him of things he didn't do. FINE with me.
The problem is, that I have always felt he is the love of my life and it just kills me to know that I am utterly powerless over his drinking and his recovery. I want the man back that I fell in love with. Enough of this sickness, knowing that unless HE wants sobriety, there isn't anything I can do except take care of myself and my own recovery. What a waste of a life. He's such a nice man, too.
They say miracles happen everyday, I just wish that today was his.
Thanks for listening
Member
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Happy with me !
Posts: 680
i am so sorry you are going thru this right now.
You sound like you have a very level head on your shoulders because you are exactly right when you say you are powerless over his drinking and recovery.
However, I realize that knowing this and accepting it are two totally different things. Work on YOUR recovery......do you go to al-anon , or other support resources?
I hate that we have to see someone that we care about submit to this disease they call alcoholism. It is sooo hard, but they are the only ones in control of themselves. We must focus on our recovery, for us!
(((Hugs to you)))
You sound like you have a very level head on your shoulders because you are exactly right when you say you are powerless over his drinking and recovery.
However, I realize that knowing this and accepting it are two totally different things. Work on YOUR recovery......do you go to al-anon , or other support resources?
I hate that we have to see someone that we care about submit to this disease they call alcoholism. It is sooo hard, but they are the only ones in control of themselves. We must focus on our recovery, for us!
(((Hugs to you)))
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Santa Rosa, CA
Posts: 34
I've been a member of al-anon for 2 years. I just got my 2 year chip this past Tuesday. It's hard to believe that 2 years have gone by so quickly.
I am working on my program, just got a sponsor and will be starting my 1st step with her.
It's such a sad, depleting disease. My heart breaks sometimes thinking how this disease robs the A, the family and everyone else in their circle of a complete person.
It's such a helpless feeling to watch them destroy their lives. Especially for such a do-er as myself. I just want to scream sometimes.
Thanks
I am working on my program, just got a sponsor and will be starting my 1st step with her.
It's such a sad, depleting disease. My heart breaks sometimes thinking how this disease robs the A, the family and everyone else in their circle of a complete person.
It's such a helpless feeling to watch them destroy their lives. Especially for such a do-er as myself. I just want to scream sometimes.
Thanks
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
For my XAH, lying came with the terrority as well. While I believed throughout the years that his lying came from the drinking - I was also told by his family members that XAH has lied all his life! Why the heck didn't anyone ever tell me that?
Ya know, as much as it hurts (and goodness knows I know how it hurts to be lied too and see the devastation that alcoholic can bring) - this is exactly why it's so important for you to work your own recovery. Accepting that the one you love isn't seeking recovery does hurt, but you've set your boundaries with him and he knows this. It's the consequences part that I had a hard time with as well.
Please take care of YOU.
Ya know, as much as it hurts (and goodness knows I know how it hurts to be lied too and see the devastation that alcoholic can bring) - this is exactly why it's so important for you to work your own recovery. Accepting that the one you love isn't seeking recovery does hurt, but you've set your boundaries with him and he knows this. It's the consequences part that I had a hard time with as well.
Please take care of YOU.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
I think lying becomes a habit too, first they lie to cover their addiction, then they lie because it becomes natural, a way of life..
Can't claim to understand it, but, my ex would lie about the dumbest, most insignifcant things...
Can't claim to understand it, but, my ex would lie about the dumbest, most insignifcant things...
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
It's a hard thing to figure out, is it flat out lying? Is it a black out? Is he just drunk? I guess it all boils down to being unreliable and not sober. I don't think they know how much we want to have restored faith in them. They think we pick and look for trouble. I think all we are really saying is, "hey, I am trying so hard to respect you". It wouldn't take much either.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Lynn, MA
Posts: 25
I know where you are coming from. I have a lying AH also. Right now he is out of work for some reason or other. I really don't know why because he lies all the time about work so I don't know the real reason. He says he calls his boss to see if there is work but (I know I'm not supposed to do this for my own recovery) I check his cell phone and he hasn't called him. I just usually yup him to death with his lies. For once, I would like someone to be honest with me. Sometimes I feel like I wouldn't be able to trust someone else if I were to divorce and meet someone else. But, this is part of recovery I have to work on. It would be so much easier if they were able to tell the truth.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: By the sea
Posts: 415
I catch my AH lying too. He lies about stuff he doesn't have to lie about! wtf?!
I think (I know) that alcohol has changed who he IS. It has effected him down to the very core of his being perhaps. He speaks differently. Eats different. Sleep different. Moves different. He has just changed. Sometimes I think he may be unaware of the lies he tells. Other time I think that he is so "crazy" and irrational now that his thinking is very convoluted and thinks he needs to lie (even about really dumb stuff). He's just not the same man. The alcohol has caused a mental illness. It's more than just wanting to drink, and drinking - it appears that alcohol can really change somebody. It's like those drug addicts we see on that show "Intervention"...they are very different before they go to treatment. I often say that I feel like my husband was abducted by aliens.
I think (I know) that alcohol has changed who he IS. It has effected him down to the very core of his being perhaps. He speaks differently. Eats different. Sleep different. Moves different. He has just changed. Sometimes I think he may be unaware of the lies he tells. Other time I think that he is so "crazy" and irrational now that his thinking is very convoluted and thinks he needs to lie (even about really dumb stuff). He's just not the same man. The alcohol has caused a mental illness. It's more than just wanting to drink, and drinking - it appears that alcohol can really change somebody. It's like those drug addicts we see on that show "Intervention"...they are very different before they go to treatment. I often say that I feel like my husband was abducted by aliens.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: OHIO
Posts: 959
As for the lying that my ex did....I didnt think he did until it came to the ultimate lie of all....the OW...thats when I discovered how much of a liar he really was..up until then I always bragged about how my husband was faithful as can be and would never lie to me about anything....what a fool I was and for soooo many years to...
I dont think I will ever ever ever be the same....I will never trust anyone as deeply as I did him....I guess what they do changes our very soul doesn't it?
Take care all,
Janit
I dont think I will ever ever ever be the same....I will never trust anyone as deeply as I did him....I guess what they do changes our very soul doesn't it?
Take care all,
Janit
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
We talk a lot about the lying at AA meetings. I've heard so many men talk about how they lied so much that they actually started to believe their own BS. Female alcoholics are dishonest too..we just lie differently. The very premise of AA is about become "rigourously honest" with ourselves...that is truly what's it's all about (and man is it hard work!). In "How it Works"...it actually states that those who cannot get honest cannot recover. The lies stop when the individual TRULY wants to get sober for THEMSELVES.
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