Dolorosa

Hi everyone,
As I had mentioned in my intro post, my ex-husband had a restraining order and wasn't able to see our kids for three months. Two weeks ago he was finally able to see them at an access centre (supervised). I was told it was a great visit - he brought Christmas presents and laid out a small feast. His brother went too.

He fought me really hard for visitation, which I understand, but I insisted that the visits be supervised. He finally accepted that (at least temporarily), because I wouldn't have it any other way.

Anyway, he is supposed to visit them every other week, so today was to be the next visit. The kids were really looking forward to it. Unfortunately I got a call from the access centre yesterday, saying that my ex had cancelled. He said his brother is having heart trouble, and he can't go. I find it really odd - perhaps because he always lied to me about everything and I find it hard to believe anything that comes out of his mouth.

He wanted to see the kids sooo bad....but now he isn't able to borrow or rent a car, or get a friend to drive him? I checked his bail recog, and no where in there does it say his brother (his surety) has to go with him everywhere. Either his brother is in rough shape (this is the first time I've heard he has heart trouble), or something just isn't right.

Am I wrong to be questioning this so much? Is this a codie thing? LOL I must admit, I'm happy when the kids get to see him. They need their dad too. I wish things were different - but this is the way it has to be right now.

Nuudawn

I don't think it's a "codie" thing in the sense that your concern comes from"sick" thinking. But it IS a very normal concern you are subjected to BECAUSE you are dealing with an alcoholic. There is no rhyme or reason to their behaviour as they are sick. Who you are feeling for is your kids right? That's perfectly normal and natural. They are experiencing confusion and disappointment because of their daddy's behaviour with out the benefit of insight into the "why's" of it all. As is human nature when we don't have understanding, we will turn something around to be about "us". And how sad that children have to go thru this..wondering if it's something they did or said or something lacking in their being. It's heartbreaking.

HolyQow

I wouldn't jump to too many conclusions. It is possible that his brother is having problems. It sounds like he does want to see the kids.

My only thought would be money. Does it cost him very much (to pay the center) for his visits? I know if my AH had the choice between spending his money to see his son or to buy beer, I am afraid the son would miss out.

Kudos for standing up for the kids, and following through with supervision...

Dolorosa

Thanks for your responses. I don't know why I can't get it out of my head. I guess I'm just disappointed because the kids are. It also cost me lots of $$$ to have my lawyer go back and forth with his to change the conditions of the bail recog so that he could see the kids in the first place (due to the restraining order which, by the way, I did not even ask for). Now they won't be able to see him for another two weeks.
He paid the access centre $150 to see them every other week for a year, so money is not the issue as it has already been paid. Oh well. Probably no use trying to figure this one out. Thanks for letting me vent! It's good to at least get it out.

StandingStrong

You're right, there is no use in trying to figure it out.
Whether he told the truth or not - don't allow his actions (or lack of actions) to take over your mind and allow you to begin obsessing over him. I'd say that obsessing is a codie tendency, not so much wondering about something.
He chose to not use the visitation time with the kids - alcoholics do many things that we don't know or understand - they disappoint us, confuse us, etc. - the unexpected is really to be expected.
Dealing with the hurt our children feel is the really painful part. I'd suggest having a "back up plan" for if/when the visits get cancelled again. By having a back up plan - your life goes on and it detracts for the kids and they can go do something fun versus sitting at home and being hurt all day.

Dolorosa

That's a great idea, StandingStrong. I don't know why I didn't think of that! (Probably too wrapped up in the "whys"). We ended up going to my parents' place, but I will definitely take them somewhere fun next time. Thanks! It's so nice to have others see through the fog.

Dolorosa

StandingStrong, I've been thinking a bit more....and I AM obsessing about this. I find it hard - my ex-AH was my first and only boyfriend. I met him when I was 22, a few months after a very tragic, horrific event in my life. Married at 24. There were many warning signs, but looking back now, I chose to ignore them. I was suffering from PTSD and had no business being in a relationship - let alone getting married. What a nightmare it has been. A year after we were married, our first-born baby died at the age of five days, and my husband got so much worse.
I've known him for 14 years, and even though he made my life HELL, I can't stop thinking about him. The love died a long time ago...in fact, I wonder if it ever existed at all. Harsh, but true. Yet I can't stop obsessing. I guess I'm messed up too. This is not meant to be a pity post, but I had a rough childhood, too....and I think that has a lot to do with how I deal with things. I'm 37 now. And I feel old and tired.

mallowcup

I hope his brother is all right. In the end, I think any time missed with the kids is his loss. I know they are disappointed. I always had a back up plan if my kids dad didn't show up. OK, well dad can't make it so I was thinking you might each want to have a friend stay over night. Kids can and will sit in a funk, but I always found that they can snap out of it pretty quickly if there is a fun plan B in place. It's once every two weeks so that doesn't require too much planning. I didn't have much money so I remember being so thankful that the dollar store sold water balloons. The boy shad so much fun with there friends with a bucket full of those balloons. Of course I had to take a couple of hits to make them laugh and exagerate getting wet. In the winter, a snowman and food coloring in a squirt gun can be fun too. I think I became somewhat a master of entertaining disapponted kids with a dime to my name.

StandingStrong

Dolorosa, forgive me for not remembering, but are you attending Alanon? Have you gotten a sponsor and/or worked the steps?
I found in really questioning what I did and didn't do, etc - alot of my own answers came from things in my childhood as well. In finding the answers to why I do the things I do, feel the way I do, etc - it's really been insightful.
As for the obsessing - truly, I was an obsesser as well! It took me a long time to realize it and to finally release it. It's no easy task.

Remember - your recovery is about YOU!
It's hard to do, but once you start focusing on you and the kids and you begin to get to really know yourself, it becomes easier.

As for the obsessing - it took me finally accepting the truth and reality of my situation for me to begin being able to let go.
Once I accepted, I began to see things much more clearly.
Recently, I've just been able to finally Let Go. It was when I realized I was holding onto that ember of hope that he'd change that I began to see that I'd not really let go. Hoping is one thing - holding onto that hope and waiting was another.

As you've already realized, there are probably some things in your past that have led you to where you are now.
In learning about that past and dealing with it - you can release and let go and begin your life again.
Remember.....your recovery is truly about you.

Dolorosa

Hi StandingStrong,
Thanks for listening to part of my life story - where did THAT come from?! LOL I got side-tracked from saying that I've known this man for 14 years, and now because of the restraining order, I've had NO contact for 3 and a half months. It has been a good thing of course, but maybe that's why I'm obsessing (or at least part of the reason). One day he's there and *poof* the next day he's gone. Imagine what our children are feeling. I must admit though, they have held up really well...better than I had expected.

Yes, recovery is about ME. I have to take care of myself for a change. I've taken huge steps....now my mind has to follow.

Dolorosa

Sorry! Forgot to answer your question. No, I don't go to Al-Anon...yet. I was thinking of calling them this week. I'd like to know what their meetings are like. I just want to talk and listen, so the 12-step thing is kind of holding me back.

StandingStrong

I thought this might help you out.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-meetings.html