Sos
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Raleigh, NC (Jersey Girl transplant)
Posts: 676
Sos
Help. I decided that I do not want to give my husband money for beer. He just called me on the phone and asked me where the checks were(remember I hid them?) and I told him I do not want to spend my money on beer. He said he will go across town and take money out of his retirement account. He did this once this year and that will cost us penalities when we file the taxes this year. I don't want him to do that again. How can I have a relationship with someone like this? How can I be in the position to saying you cant have money? I feel so much pressure from him. I don't even want to go home. Am I being unreasonable? He has no money, he owes 10K on a credit card and the monthly payment of $400 is due soon. And he wants me to give him $5-$10 a day to drink! I feel so nervous and upset. help.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
Money is a touchy issue
with couples even when alcohol isn't involved. I think the answer to your question falls under the heading of "boundries". You have to have some clear relationship with your husband about money and where it goes. Can you separate your finances? In my opinion, you can't tell him how to spend his money, but you certainly have the right to control how your money is spent. Mind you, this all comes from someone who has never considered everything "ours" in a relationship...no matter how good the relationship was. I think you just need to be honest with him about how you feel. I hope that you can work something out.
Peace,
Gabe
Peace,
Gabe
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Raleigh, NC (Jersey Girl transplant)
Posts: 676
Thanks Gabe,
I called someone and feel much better. I can see that I was trying to control him with money. That it is unreasonable to not give him any allowance. I have decided to pray for the willingness to accept that my husband is where he needs to be right now. To accept that we have only one income and to sit down with him to decide how we will manage the one income. This might mean that I have to control my spending (hint - this is the real issue for me, I don't want to do this) and adjust to the one income. I do still love this person and want him in my life today. I will treat him with more respect. Please pray for me.
I called someone and feel much better. I can see that I was trying to control him with money. That it is unreasonable to not give him any allowance. I have decided to pray for the willingness to accept that my husband is where he needs to be right now. To accept that we have only one income and to sit down with him to decide how we will manage the one income. This might mean that I have to control my spending (hint - this is the real issue for me, I don't want to do this) and adjust to the one income. I do still love this person and want him in my life today. I will treat him with more respect. Please pray for me.
Paused
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: Denton Texas
Posts: 92
Don't say gave in so harshly.....
OK, so you gave him the money. Remember they are experts at pushing buttons, manipulating until something works to get what they want when they want it. Please don't come down on yourself. All of this is a learning process.
I have to agree that boundaries appear to be in order. I would take steps to financially separate. You can file taxes separately., get separate accounts, etc. It sounds like the way it has been is a part of this diseases' insanity..... "IF NOTHING CHANGES, NOTHING CHANGES."
I have to agree that boundaries appear to be in order. I would take steps to financially separate. You can file taxes separately., get separate accounts, etc. It sounds like the way it has been is a part of this diseases' insanity..... "IF NOTHING CHANGES, NOTHING CHANGES."
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Rose,
I agree with Cajun. But if you believe you were using money to control him you are in the one in a position to know. That is today.
You can slowly separate things so the next time when it isn't a move to control him you will be prepared to back it up. Like we talk about having a plan.
I know it would fry my behind to hand over my earnings for anything except our common bills. As it is I withhold a portion for myself. Could you do that? Direct deposit to a separate acct for emergencies? YOUR emergencies?
Hugs,
JT
I agree with Cajun. But if you believe you were using money to control him you are in the one in a position to know. That is today.
You can slowly separate things so the next time when it isn't a move to control him you will be prepared to back it up. Like we talk about having a plan.
I know it would fry my behind to hand over my earnings for anything except our common bills. As it is I withhold a portion for myself. Could you do that? Direct deposit to a separate acct for emergencies? YOUR emergencies?
Hugs,
JT
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
****{Rose}}}
Pheww - I thought we were gonna lose ya there for a minute.
You're doing the best you can. You have a lot of good recovery under your belt, and enough to know that there is nothing perfect about any of us or our situations. And we all flip out rom time to time...I think it actually is like hitting ourselves with the skillet and then we wake up and feel better.
Just keep doing the best you can and leave the rest to God. He does a great clean-up when I am in a mess.
Pheww - I thought we were gonna lose ya there for a minute.
You're doing the best you can. You have a lot of good recovery under your belt, and enough to know that there is nothing perfect about any of us or our situations. And we all flip out rom time to time...I think it actually is like hitting ourselves with the skillet and then we wake up and feel better.
Just keep doing the best you can and leave the rest to God. He does a great clean-up when I am in a mess.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: georgia
Posts: 531
Rose,
I will have you in my prayers! Money is always a touchy issue. Especially when there is one income. We have lived that way for a long time and it is difficult to watch someone be irresponsible with the money that you need to pay the bills.
Glad you called someone and are feeling better, but I would have to agree that after the "panic" has passed a plan for future "money" issues would be good to have.
Don't know if you can or not, but for years I kept about 500 "hidden" in the checkbook. I never wrote it in the balance. I knew it was there, but he saw a much different balance. It was for my peace of mind and for years it worked.
God will guide you, just be patient. Sounds like you have a sound plan there!
I will have you in my prayers! Money is always a touchy issue. Especially when there is one income. We have lived that way for a long time and it is difficult to watch someone be irresponsible with the money that you need to pay the bills.
Glad you called someone and are feeling better, but I would have to agree that after the "panic" has passed a plan for future "money" issues would be good to have.
Don't know if you can or not, but for years I kept about 500 "hidden" in the checkbook. I never wrote it in the balance. I knew it was there, but he saw a much different balance. It was for my peace of mind and for years it worked.
God will guide you, just be patient. Sounds like you have a sound plan there!
believer
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: walking in faith
Posts: 1,023
Hi Rose,
Ahhh, the money issue. It never goes away, even when they're not drinking or using! I hope your husband is more open to discussing the money stuff than mine was. When he was still using, he was always too guilty to discuss the finances with me, no matter how much I asked. So, I was stuck just giving him his allowance and hoping he used it to get high instead of coming to me for more money.
I hope it works out for you. Maybe you can tell him he has to figure out how to buy his beer with his allowance, b/c he's only going to get a certain amount of money each week, and once it's gone there's no more money for him to get unless you take it from a bill payment??? Like I said, this is a touchy subject and it's hard trying not to control them with the money when you're the one handling all the finances.
You're doing great by the way - hang in there!
Hugs,
JG
Ahhh, the money issue. It never goes away, even when they're not drinking or using! I hope your husband is more open to discussing the money stuff than mine was. When he was still using, he was always too guilty to discuss the finances with me, no matter how much I asked. So, I was stuck just giving him his allowance and hoping he used it to get high instead of coming to me for more money.
I hope it works out for you. Maybe you can tell him he has to figure out how to buy his beer with his allowance, b/c he's only going to get a certain amount of money each week, and once it's gone there's no more money for him to get unless you take it from a bill payment??? Like I said, this is a touchy subject and it's hard trying not to control them with the money when you're the one handling all the finances.
You're doing great by the way - hang in there!
Hugs,
JG
Southern through and through
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: In.....trouble :-)
Posts: 1,453
Rose,
Not a lot of time here because I've been out of town and duties await me at the office and at home. Trying to read here and catch up on everyone.
I just wanted you to know to that I am keeping you in my prayers and thoughts. You are doing the best you can do. Some days we feel better about what we've done, other days we second guess ourselves. I think it's all a part of the recovery. Just hang in there, gal....hugs.
Hangin' In
Not a lot of time here because I've been out of town and duties await me at the office and at home. Trying to read here and catch up on everyone.
I just wanted you to know to that I am keeping you in my prayers and thoughts. You are doing the best you can do. Some days we feel better about what we've done, other days we second guess ourselves. I think it's all a part of the recovery. Just hang in there, gal....hugs.
Hangin' In
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Raleigh, NC (Jersey Girl transplant)
Posts: 676
Thank you to my support team. I have an emotional hangover this morning! Last night when I got home, I apologized to my husband about trying to control him with money. He said that I was right to be annoyed and that the situation is not right. He had gone out and bought several of the large bottles of beer. So the money he is spending is not a large amount. It is not like he is buying lots of expensive drugs or anything. Then we went for a walk with the dogs and I started talking to him about a used car one of my co-workers is selling. He started making comments about how this person was not trying to do me any favors and that we would probabaly get skrewed on the deal etc. Well it made me cry because he is often so negitive about situations. Like you might as well shoot yourself because you can't fix bad situations - like Charlie Brown, you can never win. This is what he does to me, pushes me toward my tendancy to feel hopeless. So when we got back to the house I cried and cried and then went to bed.
I did not sleep well and woke up about 2:30 and could not get back to sleep. This is so unusual for me and it has happened twice in a week. I have a long day ahead of me here and a class tonight until 10pm. yuch.
Somehow I will figgure this all out. Last night I was feeling like Charlie Brown, I always felt so bad for him because I identify with his plight. Then this morning I was listening to the stories of the Iraci people and I felt like my problems were small in comparison. Thanks for your love and support.
I did not sleep well and woke up about 2:30 and could not get back to sleep. This is so unusual for me and it has happened twice in a week. I have a long day ahead of me here and a class tonight until 10pm. yuch.
Somehow I will figgure this all out. Last night I was feeling like Charlie Brown, I always felt so bad for him because I identify with his plight. Then this morning I was listening to the stories of the Iraci people and I felt like my problems were small in comparison. Thanks for your love and support.
No More Mrs. Nice Guy
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Iowa
Posts: 724
(((((( rose )))))))))
Just a quick hug to let you know I understand EXACTLY where you are right now. Those emotional hangovers are murder... how UNfair that we are the ones who aren't drinking/using and WE still get to experience the hang overs.
Take extra good care of yourself. I dont make good decisions when I am totally worn out.... and I'll bet thats where you are today.
HUGS. We love ya!
Osier59
Just a quick hug to let you know I understand EXACTLY where you are right now. Those emotional hangovers are murder... how UNfair that we are the ones who aren't drinking/using and WE still get to experience the hang overs.
Take extra good care of yourself. I dont make good decisions when I am totally worn out.... and I'll bet thats where you are today.
HUGS. We love ya!
Osier59
Member
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: North Vancouver, British Columbia
Posts: 1,714
This is what he does to me, pushes me toward my tendency to feel hopeless.
Try not to let it bring you down too far, Rose. You're doing so good, holding everything together. You're a very strong lady - don't forget that! The pain of others doesn't invalidate what you're feeling - you still have to live in Rose's world. Take it easy on yourself, especially today when you're not feeling your best. Love and hugs.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: New York
Posts: 211
Sorry I didn't reply sooner but I've been very busy lately.
Finances. Yuck!!! I am just realizing how much my husband had been spending on alcohol (a few JDs a night in the local bar or at Penn Staion before getting on the railroad for home really add up!).
The process started slowly so I really didn't attibute the increased spending to alcohol. Since 9/11 things have changed a lot in lower manhattan (he works right there). Lunches have gotten even more expensive (that was his excuse for the increased spending). I guess I was lucky that I didn't realize it until he stopped drinking (almost 30 days now).
I think you should probably find out how to separate your finances (different accounts). SPeak to an accountant or a lawyer or someone else that may have gone through this. You need to protect and take care of yourself.
Hugs and lots of happy thoughts are being sent your way.
NoDoubt
Finances. Yuck!!! I am just realizing how much my husband had been spending on alcohol (a few JDs a night in the local bar or at Penn Staion before getting on the railroad for home really add up!).
The process started slowly so I really didn't attibute the increased spending to alcohol. Since 9/11 things have changed a lot in lower manhattan (he works right there). Lunches have gotten even more expensive (that was his excuse for the increased spending). I guess I was lucky that I didn't realize it until he stopped drinking (almost 30 days now).
I think you should probably find out how to separate your finances (different accounts). SPeak to an accountant or a lawyer or someone else that may have gone through this. You need to protect and take care of yourself.
Hugs and lots of happy thoughts are being sent your way.
NoDoubt
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Raleigh, NC (Jersey Girl transplant)
Posts: 676
Thanks No Doubt,
The problem is that the only finances we have are mine. He has no finances except his retirement account which is much reduced with the stock market. So I am supporting him and the kids alone. I can get a checking account with only my name on it and maybe I will, but that won't change the fact that I still have to pay for everything and there is not enough income unless I cut things out we have become used to. That is where my anger comes in, having to reduce my comforts because of his choices.
I have been praying for the willingness to see my situation from a different perspective. In the mean time I have to face reality and start to live within my means. My problem is that I make financial decisions based on emotion. If I think something is a good cause I send money, whether I have the extra or not. If my kids need something I give it to them if it seems reasonable. If I want to buy new make-up or have my hair done, then I do it. This activity blows the budget that I don't even have! But I hate facing this reality because it means restricting myself and I don't want to. I know this makes no sense, I am just trying to be honest about what I do that gets me into trouble. So when my husband sees me buy a bunch of new makeup and yet won't give him $5 for beer he thinks something is not right. At the same time he knows it is not right that he is not working.
My sponser said something to me the other day. You know how I feel about spending money? Well maybe thats how my husband feels about drinking: He knows it is a problem but he just wants to do what he wants to do. That made me see this in a slightly different light. So the key is focus on me and get my money problems straightened out. Stop focusing on my husband and how he should get a job(when no matter what job he had I still would have the money probelm).
Back to focusing on myself. Thanks for listening.
The problem is that the only finances we have are mine. He has no finances except his retirement account which is much reduced with the stock market. So I am supporting him and the kids alone. I can get a checking account with only my name on it and maybe I will, but that won't change the fact that I still have to pay for everything and there is not enough income unless I cut things out we have become used to. That is where my anger comes in, having to reduce my comforts because of his choices.
I have been praying for the willingness to see my situation from a different perspective. In the mean time I have to face reality and start to live within my means. My problem is that I make financial decisions based on emotion. If I think something is a good cause I send money, whether I have the extra or not. If my kids need something I give it to them if it seems reasonable. If I want to buy new make-up or have my hair done, then I do it. This activity blows the budget that I don't even have! But I hate facing this reality because it means restricting myself and I don't want to. I know this makes no sense, I am just trying to be honest about what I do that gets me into trouble. So when my husband sees me buy a bunch of new makeup and yet won't give him $5 for beer he thinks something is not right. At the same time he knows it is not right that he is not working.
My sponser said something to me the other day. You know how I feel about spending money? Well maybe thats how my husband feels about drinking: He knows it is a problem but he just wants to do what he wants to do. That made me see this in a slightly different light. So the key is focus on me and get my money problems straightened out. Stop focusing on my husband and how he should get a job(when no matter what job he had I still would have the money probelm).
Back to focusing on myself. Thanks for listening.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Ohio
Posts: 444
((((Rose)))))
So sorry you've had to go through this! I know what you are going through.
My prescription (and I'm not a doctor) for an emotional hangover is B-Complex vitamins. These things deplete vitamin B: alcohol, STRESS, caffeine (and probably more things, but don't off the top of my head know them).
Lack of Vitamin B causes these problems: headache, nausea, stomach upset, mouth sores like pimples on your tongue and canker sores (and probably more things, but don't off the top of my head know them either).
That's why you have the emotional "hungover" feeling--it's very much the same as an alcohol hangover.
Hope this helps.
Lyn
My prescription (and I'm not a doctor) for an emotional hangover is B-Complex vitamins. These things deplete vitamin B: alcohol, STRESS, caffeine (and probably more things, but don't off the top of my head know them).
Lack of Vitamin B causes these problems: headache, nausea, stomach upset, mouth sores like pimples on your tongue and canker sores (and probably more things, but don't off the top of my head know them either).
That's why you have the emotional "hungover" feeling--it's very much the same as an alcohol hangover.
Hope this helps.
Lyn
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