cindyloo

AH is about 45 days sober and is going through intensive outpatient therapy 9 hours a week and going to 2 AA meetings a week. Since he got out of detox on Christmas eve, he barely even touches me. A kiss here and there and a pat but a sex life that for 24 years has been wonderful, even when he started drinking a couple of years ago we still had sex alot (5 plus times a week) but now only 3 times in 6 weeks and everytime i instigated the act. I dont understand. Is it me he doesnt want anymore? Is this normal for recovery? How do I handle this and not take it personal? It is hurtin me so bad. Do I just leave him alone? What do I say to him and how should I act? I love him so much. I feel so alone, emotionally and physically.

I know there are alot of questions here but I dont understand this at all.
Help!!!

denny57

Maybe the last thing he's thinking about while fighting to stay sober is sex. Do you attend Al-Anon? Go to more meetings.

Zoey

cindyloo, It is difficult to know anything that goes on with an active A or a recoverying A. I do know recovery for many is extremely difficult.
They are in a fog, Do not know who they are or what they want.

Try finding the thread on page 2 dated 1-3-07 "Intimacy Issues" reading the replys will at least tell you you are not alone.

Just my opinion, but I think they are physically run down, no empty calories from alcohol.

Try finding the thread I suggested, and others will be along soon.

Astro

Not only was I physically run down, I was mentally and emotionally void. Even if my now ex had wanted intimacy/sex I'm not sure I could've dealt with the emotions brought on by it. In fact, that would've indicated to me that things were all right between us when they were anything but that. Maybe a relapse would've occured?

It takes a long time for that fog to lift and for sane thinking to return. That's why some sponsors recommend waiting a year before dating or attempting relationships. My thinking was anything but clear, and I'm sure my motives weren't the greatest either.

Give him time, try not to take it personally, and talk to others in Al-Anon. I'm sure they'll be happy to share their experiences with you.

Scott

MsPINKAcres

((cindyloo))

more likely than not - it has nothing to do with you - just like the drinking had nothing to do with us - from what i have heard other recovering A's share their self-esteem was so low in the beginning of sobriety that made a physical relationship seem overwhelming. keep reaching out to others in al-anon & taking care of yourself - try not to focus on him as much as focus on taking good care of yourself - you deserve it.

peace,
Rita

lesliejo

I think my situation is very different. My husband and I had a wonderful sex life before cocaine came into our lives. When he was drunk and doing coke it turned him into a monster. He actually NEEDED to have sex just to get all the bad stuff out of him so in other words it was horrible sex, he basically raped me, but I went along with it because I knew when he was "done" that he would be back to normal again so I dealt with it.
Now I am looking forward to a healthy and "normal" sex life with him again.
Leslie

hopeangel

as you know my ah only has a couple more days sobriety than yours and, yes, same here. his sex drive has returned though for about two days, but now I am the one that has "mixed" emotions about it. i can tell you the more intimate actions , such as kissing, hugging, holding hands, ect....you name it is even harder for them to deal with than the actual "act". way too much emotion and feeling involved. remember, they are not numb anymore -sensory overload i think.

Zoey

Also alcohol gives false confidence and courage and EGO,
Under the influence we are the best looking, best dancer, most charming, and excellent sex partners.

Sober, what do we do, and how??? We fear everything sober. A strange new and unfriendly world, tell we get good sobriety , and after working the steps.
Al-anon will help.
With a good program, time and sobriety we find a wonderful new world, the world that was always here.

As always, take or accept what you like or can use and leave the rest.

Astro

Thanks for sharing that, Rita. I'd never considered it, but having recently tried a relationship after being divorced for 1 1/2 years I'd have to say that my confidence was at an all-time low. It wasn't overwhelming, but I was very careful about every move I made.

I've heard it said that if you want to know what relationships in sobriety are like, just go hang around a junior high school locker area;-) We stop growing emotionally when we drink, so I've probably got the dating skills of a 14 year old. Oh, joy!

Zoey

LOL, Love ya Astro. Honesty is refreshing. Thanks for being here.

Cynay

Nahhh.... If that is true Astro ......... give yourself credit.

You have 2 year soberity.... so now its the skills of a 16 year old.


Just teasing you

Tazman53

Hi Cindiloo my name is Martin, I am an alcoholic. What you speak of is not uncommon at all, I was putting it politely over sexed while I was drinking, I am now on day 137, my sex drive went bye bye for quite a while after I first got sober, it is coming back now.

Why I do not really know, but it is not uncommon at all, it is mentioned in the Big Book on page 134 sentences 3-9.

It is not you, it is part of recovery, he still loves you and his libido will return in time, just don't push him, trust me he will let you know!

embraced2000

astro....too funny!!! hey, guess what???? it's like that for us al-anonians, too!!!! after we exit the chaos, we are shell-shocked. don't know how to react to someone "normal"...if there is such a thing...well, you know what i mean, eh?

minuet

Hi.

I have a friend who is an ATS counselor and she said this was a common problem in recovering alcoholics. That without alcohol it would affect their sex drive sometimes for the better sometimes for worse.