How do you just sit and watch them destroy themselves?

Old 02-01-2007, 02:26 PM
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How do you just sit and watch them destroy themselves?

I've been reading the posts for months and I still am having trouble ..... I want to leave this misery, but how can I leave my home (he won't go) knowing he is going to die? I have been married for 30 years my boys are grown and I still can't make myself call it quits... I know he is killing himself with alcohol..... is there a way to make them go into rehab? If I leave and he dies can I ever forgive myself? He hates his drinking and has quit a number of times but always goes back to it, and each time it's worse than before..... sorry for the rambling but I am so scared.... alanon has helped some but I am still lost.... thanks for listening............
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Old 02-01-2007, 02:36 PM
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okay, let's imagine we could do anything we wanted to change him.

You ask him to stop drinking. He says 'no', or says 'yes' but drinks anyway.

So let's take him by gunpoint and force him into a comfortable but bare cell. Let's keep him away from alcohol the whole time, detox if needed. Let's hold him in there while he talks to a therapist, is treated by a doctor, and eats three macrobiotic meals per day, and is forced to use the gym three time a week. Just for fun let's try to brainwash him and make him repeat "I want to be a healthy man" 2500x a day. During that time you visit him and tell him how much you love him.

Let's let him out in the world again. What do you think he'll do?

That was a fun idea even if it won't work. Let's try it on my exAH first ... please please please!

Sadly it's you or him. You can watch it happen, or you can live your own life while he makes his choice to drink his away. I've taken to the AA saying, "When she dies, HIS life is going to flash in front of her eyes."
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Old 02-01-2007, 02:46 PM
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I know you are right ..... but how did you actually walk out and not look back? Like all of you I'm sick of the pain this is causing myself, but also him. I guess some people just don't make it and I'm afraid that's him..... such a waste of the gift of life..... sad
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Old 02-01-2007, 02:52 PM
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You look back a little, yes. Sometimes you look back and say, "Thank God I was smart enough to get out of that crazy situation!"

He's not your infant. He's a grown man. The world is full of grown men who are responsible for themselves. Let him be responsible for himself.

Maybe having to take care of himself is exactly what he needs for recovery. Maybe you being there keeps the status quo ...
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Old 02-01-2007, 02:56 PM
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He will do what he wants with you there or not. I'm sorry you are hurting.
What are you doing for YOU?
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Old 02-01-2007, 03:00 PM
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I don't think ANYBODY has actually left and not looked back. That's why many here remain in recovery even after they have left. Seems like alot of us here loved the As in our life so much that it seemed we were losing our soul mates if we left. Even those who have successfully left and moved on still have their moments of "what if". I left two weeks ago and made the mistake of seeing him a couple days ago (against my will--he just showed up on my doorstep during a blizzard at 1am. He knew I would never be able to kick him out in the bad weather. They're gooooooood) Well that visit, unwanted as it was, was enough to make my heart start all over again with the "Maybe this time he means it and it will be different" thoughts. Probably not gonna happen but it's killing me just the same. I love him. Always have. Probably always will. And it sucks. I'd probably cave right now and get back with him immediately if it weren't for my kids. They're tired of this rollercoaster and they deserve once and for all to get off of it. The only way that will happen is if I get off too. I'm trying. Its up to you to decide what you want and how much YOU can take. You love him. Many wives have stayed with their AHs and stuck by them through the good and the bad. Eventually it will end one way or the other. Its up to you to decide if you want to watch it up close and personally or from a distance. Which will make YOU feel better?

I know when I'm with my exABF he does better...not good enough for me in my opinion, but better. That also makes me feel bad when I kick him out. I also like being able to keep an eye on him. When he isn't here the worries and suspicions drive me crazy! At least when we are together and he is here I know where he is and what he is doing....Another reason why I always take him back. Sometimes its easier. But is this the rollercoaster I want for the rest of my life?????? Is it the one YOU want?
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Old 02-01-2007, 03:10 PM
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Thank you all..... I keep thinking of the saying "Nothing changes if Nothing Changes" a councelor once told us "you all just keep doing the same dance." .... .... and you are right he will drink whether I am here of not. I feel like a weak loser not doing anything about it. His family will support me no matter what I decide they are heart sick about the whole thing too. He is so depressed but meds don't seem to help much....Nobody needs this in their life. anyway thanks for the shoulder and hopefully I will get IT and move on with my life.....
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Old 02-01-2007, 03:15 PM
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Abby, your husband is addicted. And until he truly wants to quit, seeks recovery, and works at saving himself - he's going to continue on the path that he is on.
There is a way to force someone into rehab - I don't know all the details but basically you have to show that he's incapable of caring for himself, is mentally unstable, and other things. And even if you could force him into recovery, there is no guarantee that he'd remain sober.

But let's talk about you.

You say you are sick of the misery but you don't know how to leave your home and allow him to die. Well, he may just do that whether you are there or not - you cannot control him or his drinking. So this is where the focus needs to change. The focus needs to be put upon yourself.

Do you have an active life outside of your home and outside of your husband and his addiction?
There are those that choose to stay with their alcoholic spouse and they go on to live their lives. They detach from the alcoholic behavior, they leave their spouse to deal with their own issues and they go on to live their own life for themselves.

While the choices that are available don't seem appealing, you do have choices. You can continue to live as you are doing - or you can decide to make some changes so that your life is more enjoyable.

You can't save your husband - but you can save yourself.
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Old 02-01-2007, 03:23 PM
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You sound like you are stuck, stuck in the world of addiction and co-dependency.

Only you can pull yourself out. Where do you want to be 5 years from now? How are you going to get there, or, are you already there, where you want to be?

My father always says "Without a plan, you plan to fail"...I think he is right.

Days, weeks, months and years will continue to go by as they are, unless you are ready for change...that is to change you, that is the only person you can change.

My Best,
Dolly
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Old 02-01-2007, 03:57 PM
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abby, thi sis your home for thirty years, you love it and you don't have to leave it. It is a hard thing to watch but watching it with clarity, conviction and support through this forum and alanon really helps. We are all your friends. We are in the boat with you. You can see what you see through different eyes.
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Old 02-01-2007, 04:38 PM
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Bless you all for your input. Got me thinking and that's a good thing....
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Old 02-01-2007, 04:43 PM
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Welcome, abby48

What if someone told you that if you stay, you will die? That the stress of living with alcoholism will shorten your life. What would you do?
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Old 02-01-2007, 04:53 PM
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(((Abby)))

For many years I felt the same way as you 'How could I leave him knowing he was killing himself'? I thought he was MY responsibility. Afterall, isn't that what I had vowed to do -- in sickness and in health, etc?

Took me a long time to realize he was killing himself whether I stayed or whether I left. After a while, I began asking myself "How can I stay and watch him suicide? How I can stay when it's killing ME??"

His choice is to drink....maybe to his death. What's your choice for you?

You can't save him, honey. But you CAN save yourself. Do what you need to do for you.

Sorry you have to be here, but glad you found us!

Peace to you~
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Old 02-01-2007, 07:06 PM
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As an alcoholic myself I know that my exAbf can only make the decision to quit drinking himself. He drank less when we were together (but smoked weed all day long) and I drank more I think. We we split the first time I quit drinking for about a month but couldn't handle my own emotions and started to drink again. He spiraled down very, very badly got himself a DUI and a host of other criminal charges. After a few months of my own drunken pity party I went back to "save him"...pfffffft...I then spiraled down even further and we were both emotional lunatics. We split again. I quit drinking (and joined AA this time) and he's still spiraling and thrown crack into the mix. He has a medical condition that is exacerbated by alcohol... he is killing himself hard and fast (this man has 3 children and a now flailing business) but nothing is stopping him. I extended my hand in sobriety and he basically slapped it.
I am still addicted to him...more so than alcohol I think...and he is very bad for me and cannot love me the way I deserve to be loved. And it is when I am most loving that he rejects me.
At any rate, I can't watch him die. I am actually leaving the province as soon as I am able..cuz his hold on me is very strong despite his negative affects on me...which would only got worse. I told him I wouldn't be with anyone still drinking...that was enough for him to dismiss...if he had said he'd quit...I probably would've gone back and ended up nursing him emotionally and physically and killing myself in the process.

A person's life is their responsibility and they are free to make their own choices(awful as they may be). When I was a raging drunk nobody could've gotten me to quit but me. We are a stubborn bunch.

I still find myself desperately believing my love can save my ex...and I KNOW better. Another's love cannot cure addiction...he has to want it...and work for it..and learn to love himself.
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Old 02-01-2007, 07:35 PM
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You mentioned his family is concerned, would they help with an intervention.

Would your boys help? You would need an intervention person to help with it, Also a treatment center lined up to take him.
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Old 02-01-2007, 08:03 PM
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Zoey: he has had many chances, 3 months in a rehab did great for awhile then dwi once again sent to a substance abuse which is a jail sentence, 1 year.... came out sober for a long time then again with the depression, drinking, then depressed cause he drank he does go to AA but isn't working the program... merry go round... I stick with him always thinking this time will be different..... NOT.... that's why I say I don't think he will make it he can't climb out of the hole. He retired early I am still working but he has so much going for him, but he can't see it.... my youngest was out of the country for a couple months I picked him and his friend at the airport when we got home ,the first thing he saw was his dad in the hall covered with blood drunk....... (he slipped on the rug and hit his head on the hinge of a closet door) he said "tell dad it was really nice to see him" but I can't deal with this again...... my husband tried to make a joke of it next time he saw him.......... hard on the boys they are grown now and want me to leave they said I have wasted to much time on this and I deserve to be happy. They love him but it hurts them to see me hurting over it. So I don't think any intervention will fly. I have tried to get him back into a rehab but he says "I'm Fine" only drink once in a while..... I asked him if it was okay for an alcoholic to drink once in a while.... no answer for that one. I need to grow a backbone.... thanks for your input it means a lot.
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Old 02-02-2007, 07:11 AM
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hello abby - i don't recall - are you going to alanon? is sure helps me understand and sort through things..blessings, k
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