It's been forever

Old 01-31-2007, 07:47 PM
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Unhappy It's been forever

I haven't written in months and months. For a while, things actually started looking up with my boyfriend. But then he got back on the xanaxes. Is anyone else amazed by all the pain such a little pill can cause? I finally had enough. When I told him I no longer cared what he did, he flipped out. Long story short, the police were called, and he ran. Now I'm the one having to deal with the court systems to get the restraining order and press charges. I'm the one having to take off of work because my mind is so messed up. I'm the one crying and feeling so much pain. Does anyone know what I mean? I keep going between wishing I could touch him, wishing he would kiss me and just adore me like he would when he was sober to trying to think of everything he did to hurt me, emotionally and physically so I can get mad and productive. I just feel so confused and alone. My doctor even had to up the dosage of my antidepressants. It just feels like I won't ever find someone to love and appreciate me. I'm only 20, but I feel so old and tired. Does anyone have any advice?
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Old 01-31-2007, 07:52 PM
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(((4LeafClover)))) lots of hugs coming your way.

You know, it was some time back...I had stopped coming here and stopped really focusing on me and my recovery. You see, my AH had stopped drinking and I guess I felt I really didn't need to be here. What I found was that I was wrong!!!!! Even now, the A in my life and I are divorced - and I'm still here.

I found that whether the A in my life was drinking or not.......having loved and lived with an A had affected my life. It changed who I was and the effects of that relationship will be with me forever! Therefore, I will continue to come here to work on ME!

So you asked for advice......and here's what I'd suggest.
You put the focus on you and your recovery. You learn about codependancy and you find YOU again. You begin building your life one step at a time. Alanon, counseling, and utilizing whatever tools work for you.

Recovery is FOR YOU and it's ABOUT YOU!!!!!
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Old 02-01-2007, 06:03 AM
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I have to agree withStandingStrong.

You have to work on YOU. I, too, had a tendency to go with out with people that controlled me, used me, and abused me. If only I knew then what I know now. Reading Codepency No More and other books helped me realize that it is a pattern that needs to be broken.

Great big HUGS to you.
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Old 02-01-2007, 06:29 AM
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advice is to get to an alanon meeting.
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Old 02-01-2007, 06:36 AM
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My husband was also taking xanax and antidepressants along with alcohol. The worse things got, he increased the xanax and alcohol. In fact…. After one trip to the ER from .30 BAL and overdose of xanax he followed up with the doctor who didn’t even read the ER report and increased his xanax dose!! And so it continued to get worse.

We also had a big police event, him being irrational and exaggerating because of the amount of pills and alcohol. I went to jail on false charges and he up and volunteered to go on a business trip to get away, leaving me to deal with police, courts, and lawyer.
He called me while out of the country, drunk and loaded on xanax, throwing up blood, I was so freaked out, didn’t know where he was or how to get help to him.

I missed so much time from work and when I was there I couldn’t keep my mind on my job, I constantly cried and was very distraught. I could hardly function. Thank God my boss is a kind, understanding person.

I experienced and had many of the feelings you express. Time, prayer, alanon and SR friends have helped me tremendously.

If you aren’t going to alanon, find a meeting and go. Also, please keep coming back and posting, in our world things can change so quickly and it’s nice to have the support and understanding we get here.
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Old 02-01-2007, 07:13 AM
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take care of yourself, 4leaf. it's the best thing you can do. blessings, k
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Old 02-01-2007, 05:12 PM
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I just keep sitting here thinking how much I miss the good times. It seems like we were perfect together when things were good. I keep trying to think of the bad times and trying to get mad, but I can't. All my friends and family have been by my side, not judging and that helps so much. But all I can think of is how maybe time apart will help him. I don't even want to go to court to get the restraining order, or talk to the detective to put out a warrant. I know I have to for me, but at the same time the thought of not being with him tears me apart. And I know I had so much to deal with him when we were together. I'm going to a psychiatrist on the 23rd, but until then all I have is my self-control to keep me from seeing him. And it's really hard because no matter how much I have screamed at him in the past week, or the fact that I went to court, he's still telling me he loves me. He's still calling wanting to see me. Is this what they all do? Is this how they all act?
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