Nuudawn

I'm not even sure which forum to post this thread..alcoholism, co-dependency, women in recovery? Evidently I have chosen co-dependency. I'm an alcoholic with only about 6 weeks sober. I moved half way across the country running away from myself.....my drinking self...and kept drinking. It was a mistake I know...BUT ...if anything I had the anonymity in this town to sober up finally...to join AA...after an incredibly painful relationship with another alcoholic/addict. I actually ended up with him because I wanted him to do some work on my car before I moved back home. I got drunk with him, slept with him and got myself attached to him and stayed with him here away from the friends and family I wanted to return to. For whatever reason I was really, really, really convinced in all my heart that this man loved me. We broke up on more than one occasion...I quit drinking both times when we did.
When I sobered up I really hoped and prayed he would too..that he would want to sober up with me.
I went and saw him last week. I found him hungover and skipping work. I was compelled to go see him. I actually didn't go to get back with him. I went because I felt that if I did'nt I would never live with myself cuz he's spiraling out of control and killing himself in the process. He confused me again..said he missed me, loved being with me...I dunno it's so messed up. It resurrected my feelings...so I called him today and we chatted. I asked him if he wanted to try again with me...not drinking. He did not. At first he wanted us to hang out and be friends but keep it that way cuz he had a habit of getting too attached to me. I told him I wanted to try for more than that..try sober. He said he wanted to stay single. I respect him for his honesty with me. As I said, it just confused me cuz in my heart I believed with every fibre in my being he loved me. I was wrong. That's okay. At only six weeks sober I can't trust my heart anyway.

I really, really wanted to learn to love...I wanted us very badly...too badly I guess.
At any rate, now I can leave. There is no reason to stay here so far away from friends and family. I am glad of that. I am glad I risked rejection (which I got) and spoke my truth and my sobriety allows me to manage my emotions. I am free.
I gave my two weeks notice and I will start the process of leaving this town I don't belong in..never did.
Ah well...it did give me my sobriety. That is why I came I guess.

I just needed to vent this stuff. Although I know this is right and true and God's will. Being rejected by someone you really and truly thought cared for you is a strange feeling. All will be well. I feel strange all the same.

Pick-a-name

(((Nuudawn))) Glad you shared..........take it all one day at a time. Congratulations on getting sober.........I think things will keep getting better for you.

cmc

Congratulations on getting sober and figuring out what you need to do for yourself. It's a major step forward and I hope your move back will go well and that you can settle in to your new life soon.
I'm glad you stopped by and think you did some good detaching from the bf. It's hard to do sometimes but at least you know where you stand and he was honest with you. Sorry for all the pain you've had but I think you are doing great and making wise decisions. Keep up the good work.
hugs,
cmc

Astro

Ahh, this struck a nerve in me. A couple months ago I started seeing a wonderful, beautiful woman. It seemed like we were right for each other, everything felt great, and I believe we truly cared for each other very much. So naturally this alcoholic had to break it off, so that I could patiently wait for someone else who's rejected me before. My belief is that it's God's will for us to be together, but now is not the time. All I've been thinking for the past few weeks is how strange this feels. Why did I break up a perfectly good relationship for the unknown?

I'm not sure if I'm making sense, but my point is that sometimes it's very hard to determine if what we're doing is God's will, or if we've misinterpreted what his will is for us. It sounds to me like you've got a clear understanding of why your life is taking this path, even though it's painful. It's been so hard for me to understand that one of the greatest gifts in sobriety is to feel our emotions, hard as they may be.

I'm very happy that you've freed yourself and that you've still got your sobriety. Keep us updated on your move, Nuudawn.

Scott

sketscher

Nuudawn,

I admire how brave and really independent you are! I could not imagine moving anywhere away from everyone.

About the man whom you love. Isn't it sad when you realize that you can't hold a candle to addiction? But it's true. It's nothing you should feel bad about. You are sober! You are giving yourself a chance at life. REAL LIFE! And you are likely giving someone down the road a chance at loving and being with a healthy YOU! SOmething most of us on here wish they could get from their spouse and loved ones who are suffering from addiction.

YOU ARE A SUCCESS STORY!


However, I know how it feels to be hurt and rejected. I was reminded again this past weekend that XABF is not capable of ever giving anyone what they deserve as far as love and respect. This is his choice. No matter how much it hurts me or his ex-wife or his mom or his estranged dad. He simply feels he's genetically predisposed to being an A**hole and an Alcoholic. That he has a long history of destroying lives. And he is not willing to even try to change.

Cynay

Hey there sweetie.... I have been struggling to reply to this post but really felt that I needed too. You sound so sad, and Im going to try and explain what I see.

Lets start with, I am a very spiritual person. My HP is God and so I will write in those terms. Also I need to tell you that I honestly believe that life is a lesson and that either people are put in our lives or we are put in there lives for a reason, a season or a lifetime.... which one depends on the decisions we make.

Ok... with that said here is what I see... take what you want and leave the rest.

Let me start with this.... I believe that in learning lessons that we are given free will. When we choose, if it is the wrong choice we will live it all over again till we learn the lesson. Heavens knows that I have had to go through the same issues till I "got it" ... each time you broke up you stopped drinking???? Ok... break it down, not drinking is a healthy thing for you, if when you go back to him it feels hurtful and you drink... well that is not healthy.... but you keep "choosing" to go back. I know that it might feel "safe" because you are use to being in a relationship that is not healthy or giving you what you deserve... but just maybe ... God has given you the choice and every time you have choosen unhealthy.... Now....

Maybe God is tired of seeing you suffer and is sure you will not make the right choice and is taking the decision away from you. Doing for you what you can not do for yourself. I honestly feel that he wants what is best for us, he will let us learn and grow on our own ... just like I will let my daughter learn and grow, on her own .... I think he loves me the same way I love my daughter and its hard to watch her make mistakes I have the ability to stop. If I stop them she does not learn the lesson and I have done her a dis-service.

Sweetie you dont know if you were wrong or right. All you know is that he can not love you the way you deserve to be loved. We can not want more for another person then they want for themselves.... We can love them, but if they are not ready to let go of the behavior (that is not working for them and causing pain) there is nothing we can do but detach with love. Never for a moment think it is about you.... its about his addiction and your need to stop your addiction. That is the bottom line.... I honestly believe that my ex-ah loved me.... as much as he could and that was not enough for me.... I deserve more then that.

What makes you think you did not learn to love??? Sometimes learning to love means that it hurts and you love them enough to let go and walk away. Just because it does not turn out like you hoped does not mean you have not learned.... In fact sometimes its the pain of the lesson that gives us the most growth. You are sober and strong enough to see that you have to walk away, even though you love him..... Sweetie that takes more strength then staying and pursuing someone that does not want you in the same type of relationship. It does not mean you love less in fact maybe it shows that you love more.

No truer words have been spoken.... to lay yourself out there and risk rejection??? That is strength. Please give yourself the credit you deserve for being "able" to do this and still stay sober.... That alone is beautiful.

Its not so strange hon and you dont know for sure its God's will or his intervention??? There is a gift in being able to care with depth. Regardless if that person cares for you, he has no idea what he let go of and it is not you responsibility to teach/show him. It is his loss and your gain. You deserve and will be given more because God will bless the person who loves enough to want them happy and walk away.... I have to believe that because Im right there with you. There are not alot of people that can walk away from love with as tender of a heart as your showing. How many times do you see people that are rejected calling names or even taking back how they felt in order to protect themselves. Your not protecting, you are laying your love on the line.... being rejected..... still loving and at the same time moving in a healthy direction.... How much more beautiful does it get then that????

Nuudawn

Pick-a-Name and CMC...thank you so much for your positive and encouraging words. It lifted my heart.
Astro...thank you for sharing so personally and helping me to understand from a male perspective..or any really..that we make decisions for our own interest and that these decisions may have nothing to do with the regard for another.
Sketcher...my girl...thank for your empowering thoughts. I am blessed by your warm regard.

(((Cynay)))...wow...your response reduced me to tears...good ole heartfelt, cleansing tears. So much of what you said resonated with me....helped me to understand and aided in the letting go....

What you said here "How many times do you see people that are rejected calling names or even taking back how they felt in order to protect themselves"....thank you. The first time we broke up he took back his love for me...denied ever saying it or writing it in cards as he did...and it hurt and confused me so much. It did NOT ring true for me but how could someone say such a thing? What you said makes such perfect sense...I don't know why I did not really ponder that possibility before..self protection...especially being well aware of the deep insecurity, self loathing, pain and abandonment issues this man has.

I had a tough day yesterday and I cried last night...not so much for the loss of this man but for the fact that yet again I had fallen in love with someone who could not love me back. I know that in my brokeness I always attracted the equally broken. My sobriety and healing is so important now because I just never want to repeat this painful lesson again. I want a deep, real and true love where I can trust again...I haven't for sooooooo long. I know this will eventually come to me if I continue to walk this path of recovery. I have only been 6 or 7 weeks sober and I just never realized who I was..how sensitive, emotional and soft hearted I am..these aspects of me were buried so long.

I know that when I was with this man and first realized my love for him that I said to myself "I know I love him...I know because I would take care of him if he ever got sick". I know that stuck with me....he is sick now...and will be much sicker given a condition he has that is only exacerbated by drinking. I am quite certain he is now involved in harder drug use as well. I can only pray for him. I know that I had to offer him a different path for my own well being. I hope that does not sound egotistical. I know that I would never live with myself if I walked away never letting him know that I cared...that I wanted to be with him sober (as he was always afraid that if I quit drinking I would leave him). I extended my hand and it's okay that he didn't want it. It's okay that a man so deathly afraid of abandonment got to be the one to walk away. I'm sure that provides his ego some comfort or refuge. Somehow I'm okay with that. Wierd as that may be.

Thank you all...I'm crying again...and that's okay.

Astro

A quick reply to this before I take my kids to school.

I'm almost two years sober, and know there are many in recovery who want this also. But my experience is showing me that in spite of me thinking that I'm ready for that kind of relationship, God is telling me otherwise.

When we're ready, our higher power will put the right person in our lives. In the meantime trying to force our will only creates emotional disasters. Take time to learn the lessons in recovery. I'm confident our future relationships will be much more satisfying:-)

Cynay

Thank you.... but it is only through me ... Its not me.

Offering your love to someone is never wrong. Im not sure if this is right but the 3 greatest gifts are faith, hope and love.... with love being the most important. But you have to understand that you cant give another what you dont have, you need to love yourself first and choosing soberity you are doing just that.

I can not tell you how proud I am of you that you have the courage and strenth to love even when you have to let that love go.

I dont think any of it is about his ego hon.... I think it is more about his fear. I have deep fears of abandonment as well and I can tell you many times I put myself in positions that would keep me from having a healthy loving relationship I would make sure they were emotionally unavailable.... Why? Because I use to think that if I let someone that close to me they would have the ability to "break" me and that considering my pass I would be unable to live with that.

What I did'nt understand is that when Im healthy spiritually and love myself ... no one can break me, I can give love away freely .... even if it is a relationship I really wanted..... I dont always do this and I never do it perfectly... but today... I know that it is a inside job, it starts with me and because of that Im safe.

Nuudawn

Thank you Scott...that is sage advice.
I know I am a long way from another relationship. Although mostly I have to heal myself for years of alcoholism and the toxic roots beneath - I do have to recover from this last relationship as well. I don't have the emotional fortitude to do anything right now other than heal myself. It was insanity (and pure Hollywood fantasy) for me to possibly fathom my ex and I could walk this road together...nevertheless the heart needs to do and feel as it does. His wounds are even greater than mine...and I pray for him. I really, really do.

Nuudawn

Thank you Cynay...you are right..it is his fear which is a construct of his ego. I have come to believe in my sobriety that the ego can be a very unhealthy thing..it is more than capable of building walls that imprison you in pain. It was my ego I let go of when I surrendered my will over to God. My ego is still very much a part of me but I try very hard to observe it now rather than be "in it" and allow it the absolute authority (which it had previously) to dictate my perspective and actions or reactions. I look for quiet God voice now rather than the prompting, bellowing and whining of my ego...it's a chore ....that's where my addictive voice lives as well...it can be very difficult to discern between the two..but I'm trying : )

Cynay

One thing that I found is true for me is every day I give my will up in the morning... I ask just for that day his will.

I dont try to figure out what is Gods will vs My will because I already gave it up. I dont make concret decisions either.... because I dont know, I dont have the plan... I remember my sponsor wanting me to stop dating for a year and I could not give her that promise because I dont know what the plan is and I could be presented with the relationship you are describing at 6 months.

How sad it would be to pass up on a gift because "I (my will)" made the decision of what is right for me.... I also struggle with the ego hon, your right its a constant battle.... I have to check my motivations all the time... But the good news is the longer you work on yourself the easier it is to figure out when its ego... and stand back, hands off and allow whatever is going to happen to happen without my manuplation.