They never tell you it's this difficult!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Arlington Heights, Illinois
Posts: 32
They never tell you it's this difficult!
Well, back to step #1 for me today! Just can't seem to get past my life being unmanageable. I spent an entire hour bawling my eyes out at my al-anon meeting tonight. Every single thing each person said struck a chord with me and sent the tears flowing. It felt sooooo darn good! I haven't let much out in the meetings. I share at every one, but am not usually emotionally affected. Today was just bad. I felt like my whole world came crashing down on me. At every turn, I felt as if I lost total control today.
It is so difficult going through recovery and realizing that every defense mechanism that got you to this point of survival is actually the wrong way to go about things...that "that way" actually causes more of your problems! I have been good about not reacting to every thing that everyone says or does that was not "my way". To me, that is a great first step to recovery. I am working on "detaching with love". I can detach...the love thing isn't there yet. Don't know if it ever will be.
I am just so darn tired of being so "nice". Oh, I will always be "nice", but I now am realizing that my way of being "nice" has caused so much more trouble in my life. I am so afraid to let some things out of my control. What will happen if I do? Nothing!!!!!!! Life goes on. I soooo need to realize that and tell myself that.
Today needed to happen and I am glad it did. It made me realize that I have a lot of work ahead of me to heal so many old wounds. At least now I am feeling them. Never did that as a kid. Now that I feel them, I can let each one go away. What started out as a horrible day has ended beautifully.
I soooo have to thank this forum for that. Just needed to "type". Thanks for reading! Feels good to have somewhere to go when the meeting breaks up and every one goes home. Feels good to stop all that darn crying too!
It is so difficult going through recovery and realizing that every defense mechanism that got you to this point of survival is actually the wrong way to go about things...that "that way" actually causes more of your problems! I have been good about not reacting to every thing that everyone says or does that was not "my way". To me, that is a great first step to recovery. I am working on "detaching with love". I can detach...the love thing isn't there yet. Don't know if it ever will be.
I am just so darn tired of being so "nice". Oh, I will always be "nice", but I now am realizing that my way of being "nice" has caused so much more trouble in my life. I am so afraid to let some things out of my control. What will happen if I do? Nothing!!!!!!! Life goes on. I soooo need to realize that and tell myself that.
Today needed to happen and I am glad it did. It made me realize that I have a lot of work ahead of me to heal so many old wounds. At least now I am feeling them. Never did that as a kid. Now that I feel them, I can let each one go away. What started out as a horrible day has ended beautifully.
I soooo have to thank this forum for that. Just needed to "type". Thanks for reading! Feels good to have somewhere to go when the meeting breaks up and every one goes home. Feels good to stop all that darn crying too!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Pasadena,Ca
Posts: 147
"It is so difficult going through recovery and realizing that every defense mechanism that got you to this point of survival is actually the wrong way to go about things...that "that way" actually causes more of your problems!"
I can really identify with that statement. Last week I began to really "see" some of the things that I had been doing. It seemed like one thing after another began to surface and demanded to be examinined. I felt overwhelmed and very sad. It felt like I had been hit by a ton of bricks. I began to feel like for so many years I had been living a sort of lie. I felt like I was grieving a loss of sense of self. Who was I anyway, if I wasn't the person I "thought" I had been? It was confusing, even devastating. My therapist mentioned that being confused is actually a positive thing. It means you are becoming willing to examine and questions that you once held as true. You are becoming open to the idea that maybe things aren't exactly as you thought. Openess is important in recovery. I began to embrace the confusion.
I reallzed that the sadness was indeed a grieving for the loss of self. But it was the loss of a false self and it was a necessary loss if I was ever to begin to discover my "true" self. I began to accept the loss and let it go.
The painful realization of my sick behaviors, actions and reactions is necessary also. It is awareness. Awareness must be there before before we can even begin to change. I felt stupid and began to beat myself for all the years that I have lived so righteously without this awareness. But, you know what? I came to understand that even this is something that I have no control over. I wasn't meant to know these things or do this hard work until right now. I really believe that our Higher Power has a plan for everything that we can't begin to understand. Everything happens exactly as it does and when it does for a reason. I stopped beating myself up.
To become aware of painful things is, well, painful. It was helpful for me to reframe this and see this as a sort of Spiritual Awakening. A door had opened for me that I must now find the courage to walk through. to become aware opens our hearts and minds to the possibility that there is possibly another way. It lets us know what the problems are that we need to work on. It allows us to begin to identify the source of our unhappiness or discontent. It is a bit humbling to realize that much of the source of our unhappiness lies within ourselves and our won actions. However, that knowledge can also be empowering. All we can and have to change is ourselves.
I think the painful awareness is really the first step in the process. Without it nothing else can happen. I am becoming grateful for the new issues I am identifying everyday.
Instead of saying,"Oh my God!" every time I have another epiphany and discover another ugly truth, I am learning to say, "Thank you, God" for revealing another piece of the puzzle. This isn't easy and doesn't happen automatically. I have to make a concious effort to be grateful. It helps me keep from plunging into the depths of despair.
I don't know if any of this makes sense. It is sometimes so hard to put into words the indescribable things of spirit and faith.
Kathleen
I can really identify with that statement. Last week I began to really "see" some of the things that I had been doing. It seemed like one thing after another began to surface and demanded to be examinined. I felt overwhelmed and very sad. It felt like I had been hit by a ton of bricks. I began to feel like for so many years I had been living a sort of lie. I felt like I was grieving a loss of sense of self. Who was I anyway, if I wasn't the person I "thought" I had been? It was confusing, even devastating. My therapist mentioned that being confused is actually a positive thing. It means you are becoming willing to examine and questions that you once held as true. You are becoming open to the idea that maybe things aren't exactly as you thought. Openess is important in recovery. I began to embrace the confusion.
I reallzed that the sadness was indeed a grieving for the loss of self. But it was the loss of a false self and it was a necessary loss if I was ever to begin to discover my "true" self. I began to accept the loss and let it go.
The painful realization of my sick behaviors, actions and reactions is necessary also. It is awareness. Awareness must be there before before we can even begin to change. I felt stupid and began to beat myself for all the years that I have lived so righteously without this awareness. But, you know what? I came to understand that even this is something that I have no control over. I wasn't meant to know these things or do this hard work until right now. I really believe that our Higher Power has a plan for everything that we can't begin to understand. Everything happens exactly as it does and when it does for a reason. I stopped beating myself up.
To become aware of painful things is, well, painful. It was helpful for me to reframe this and see this as a sort of Spiritual Awakening. A door had opened for me that I must now find the courage to walk through. to become aware opens our hearts and minds to the possibility that there is possibly another way. It lets us know what the problems are that we need to work on. It allows us to begin to identify the source of our unhappiness or discontent. It is a bit humbling to realize that much of the source of our unhappiness lies within ourselves and our won actions. However, that knowledge can also be empowering. All we can and have to change is ourselves.
I think the painful awareness is really the first step in the process. Without it nothing else can happen. I am becoming grateful for the new issues I am identifying everyday.
Instead of saying,"Oh my God!" every time I have another epiphany and discover another ugly truth, I am learning to say, "Thank you, God" for revealing another piece of the puzzle. This isn't easy and doesn't happen automatically. I have to make a concious effort to be grateful. It helps me keep from plunging into the depths of despair.
I don't know if any of this makes sense. It is sometimes so hard to put into words the indescribable things of spirit and faith.
Kathleen
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
blessed,
I'm so glad that you see how healing your tears can be. Don't resent them; they are helping to cleanse you. Picture them just washing you clean, with nice long strokes like a big soft sponge in a hot bubble bath. We were not treated tenderly; we have to start treating ourselves with all of that tenderness we missed out on.
And if you have to have another day like this, now or ever, that's just fine. This is healthy, and right, imho.
It's the tears you keep inside that will burn you. Congratulations on continuing to work on your recovery.
Sending love and peace to you!
GL
I'm so glad that you see how healing your tears can be. Don't resent them; they are helping to cleanse you. Picture them just washing you clean, with nice long strokes like a big soft sponge in a hot bubble bath. We were not treated tenderly; we have to start treating ourselves with all of that tenderness we missed out on.
And if you have to have another day like this, now or ever, that's just fine. This is healthy, and right, imho.
It's the tears you keep inside that will burn you. Congratulations on continuing to work on your recovery.
Sending love and peace to you!
GL
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Under the Rainbow
Posts: 1,086
It is so difficult going through recovery and realizing that every defense mechanism that got you to this point of survival is actually the wrong way to go about things
If you wanted to continue using those mechanisms, you could simply jump into more relationships that were as toxic as the ones that taught you those mechanisms.
The issue is that those mechanisms don't work if you want to LIVE, not just survive. Having those mechanisms is not a bad thing - it's what got you to where you are now, so no getting down on yourself for having them. If you didn't have them, you'd be an utter mess - or a sociopath - neither is terribly appealing.
The crying is good. It will help you to be aware of your triggers, which, in turn, will help you be aware of when you're about to respond with an old and no longer useful mechanism. Hopefully then, you'll be able to learn new, more currently relevant skills which will make you a happier healthier person.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Arlington Heights, Illinois
Posts: 32
Originally Posted by GingerM 
The issue is that those mechanisms don't work if you want to LIVE, not just survive. Having those mechanisms is not a bad thing - it's what got you to where you are now, so no getting down on yourself for having them. If you didn't have them, you'd be an utter mess - or a sociopath - neither is terribly appealling
This is a better way to look at it. I woke up yesterday morning with such a clear head and it felt good. I have TOOLS now to work with in my life and knowing that those tools just don't apply to dealing with the alcoholics/addicts in my life, but to ALL aspects of my life makes me feel so good.
Thanks for the post!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Arlington Heights, Illinois
Posts: 32
Socalgal....
Thanks so much for taking the time to reply with that great post. I am still new in the al-anon program and never thought I would come across soooooo many people that know how it feels to go through what I am going through (or went through). I do feel like I have lived a "false" life. I did, because I lived it for everyone else. I told my sponsor about the Julia Roberts movie "Runaway Bride" and had to laugh. Not sure if you have seen it or not, but I had to laugh. Her character is an ACOA (never realized that until watching it AFTER going to al-anon meetings!) and leaves many men at the alter. Later in the movie she finds that she can't even tell you her favorite kind of eggs! It was always whatever her boyfriend's favorite was at the time. She can't get married until she learns her true self.
I feel like that big cry was feeling loss and shedding a portion of that ol' self. I always feel "out of place" and have since I was little. I am really excited to find out who I truly am and what I truly like. It should be an interesting path to travel, however long it may be!
Thanks again for your thoughtful reply.
Thanks so much for taking the time to reply with that great post. I am still new in the al-anon program and never thought I would come across soooooo many people that know how it feels to go through what I am going through (or went through). I do feel like I have lived a "false" life. I did, because I lived it for everyone else. I told my sponsor about the Julia Roberts movie "Runaway Bride" and had to laugh. Not sure if you have seen it or not, but I had to laugh. Her character is an ACOA (never realized that until watching it AFTER going to al-anon meetings!) and leaves many men at the alter. Later in the movie she finds that she can't even tell you her favorite kind of eggs! It was always whatever her boyfriend's favorite was at the time. She can't get married until she learns her true self.
I feel like that big cry was feeling loss and shedding a portion of that ol' self. I always feel "out of place" and have since I was little. I am really excited to find out who I truly am and what I truly like. It should be an interesting path to travel, however long it may be!
Thanks again for your thoughtful reply.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
