Thoughts on my recent freak out
Becoming a Butterfly
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 904
Thoughts on my recent freak out
Hello folks. I'm calm this morning. Feeling good. I've gotten two calls from recruiters and one directly from an employer. No interviews yet but I bet I will have one by next week. Things are looking up.
I've been thinking about how involved I felt in exAH's arrest. I know why I was so upset - it was the culmination of my nightmares. It's like knowing for years that one day, you don't know when, you're going to be stabbed with a pointy stick and you can't do anything about it. I did my best to mitigate the damage it would cause me - this problem is his and it won't cost me any time or money or pain in driving him around, etc. But it still hurt to see it happen, to feel what I'd been dreading, what I'd hoped he'd be smart enough to avoid.
And I'm facing some realities. As much as I love him the fact is that this man is a menace and if he is never allowed to drive again that's just what he deserves. He can't go around driving drunk, this is his third DWI in 20 years, he's had a million chances to change, and now society is going to have to step in to protect the other citizens. It's going to cost him dearly but that's just too bad. He endangers people everywhere. He had to be stopped and I was unable to do it. Now the law will do what I could not, and they are not as nice as I am.
I also still have hope for him. He's a great guy under the booze. He can still make a really good life for himself. But that's all about him. I hope to talk to him again one day and hear about how great he's doing and how much money he's making and how he's met a wonderful woman.
To be at this stage, to let him go fully, and to feel that he has in a way released me and told me it's ok, allows me to go forward with no guilt. I no longer feel bad about not going to the arraignment. I want to remember our life together with him in his shirt and tie, just come home from work, I had dinner on the table, and the three of us talked about our day and were a family. I didn't want the last vision to be of him with a black eye and swollen face from a well-deserved beating, handcuffed before a judge who is telling him he's a jackass in front of the whole world. I think he prefers I remember things that way too.
So still I wait, wait for a job, wait for my new life to start in a way. It won't be long now. Once I start working a lot of things are going to fall into place for me. I'm looking forward to doing some solo travel, to getting my son situated as far as college is concerned, to decorating my place. The walls are bare and I need pictures and I have some ideas for re-arranging some rooms. Plus I need to do some much needed repairs to the roof before that becomes a serious issue.
Thank you so much for being here for me when things were so dark over the last difficult months. It feels so good to be free. At the start it seemed scary but now I realize I can make it on my own and I'm sick of catering to other people. I just want to work, make money, and spend it on myself
It's a base goal, but I've heard of worse ones.
I've been thinking about how involved I felt in exAH's arrest. I know why I was so upset - it was the culmination of my nightmares. It's like knowing for years that one day, you don't know when, you're going to be stabbed with a pointy stick and you can't do anything about it. I did my best to mitigate the damage it would cause me - this problem is his and it won't cost me any time or money or pain in driving him around, etc. But it still hurt to see it happen, to feel what I'd been dreading, what I'd hoped he'd be smart enough to avoid.
And I'm facing some realities. As much as I love him the fact is that this man is a menace and if he is never allowed to drive again that's just what he deserves. He can't go around driving drunk, this is his third DWI in 20 years, he's had a million chances to change, and now society is going to have to step in to protect the other citizens. It's going to cost him dearly but that's just too bad. He endangers people everywhere. He had to be stopped and I was unable to do it. Now the law will do what I could not, and they are not as nice as I am.
I also still have hope for him. He's a great guy under the booze. He can still make a really good life for himself. But that's all about him. I hope to talk to him again one day and hear about how great he's doing and how much money he's making and how he's met a wonderful woman.
To be at this stage, to let him go fully, and to feel that he has in a way released me and told me it's ok, allows me to go forward with no guilt. I no longer feel bad about not going to the arraignment. I want to remember our life together with him in his shirt and tie, just come home from work, I had dinner on the table, and the three of us talked about our day and were a family. I didn't want the last vision to be of him with a black eye and swollen face from a well-deserved beating, handcuffed before a judge who is telling him he's a jackass in front of the whole world. I think he prefers I remember things that way too.
So still I wait, wait for a job, wait for my new life to start in a way. It won't be long now. Once I start working a lot of things are going to fall into place for me. I'm looking forward to doing some solo travel, to getting my son situated as far as college is concerned, to decorating my place. The walls are bare and I need pictures and I have some ideas for re-arranging some rooms. Plus I need to do some much needed repairs to the roof before that becomes a serious issue.
Thank you so much for being here for me when things were so dark over the last difficult months. It feels so good to be free. At the start it seemed scary but now I realize I can make it on my own and I'm sick of catering to other people. I just want to work, make money, and spend it on myself
It's a base goal, but I've heard of worse ones.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
letting go was a gradual and practiced skill for me. sometimes i did real well, other times i fell off the face of the earth trying to let go.
it took time, and it took practice. the emotions that accompany letting go are powerful, cunning, and baffling....just like the alcohol. it was for me, anyway. it came, but it did not come easily for me.
good luck and best wishes, wantsout!
it took time, and it took practice. the emotions that accompany letting go are powerful, cunning, and baffling....just like the alcohol. it was for me, anyway. it came, but it did not come easily for me.
good luck and best wishes, wantsout!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Honolulu
Posts: 60
Hi.
I can say its nice to know I'm the only one who doesn't feel this way.
Its hard to sit there and tell the cop to ARREST HIM and then sit in the TRO room and fill out all the papers.
good luck to you, i'm looking for a job too
I can say its nice to know I'm the only one who doesn't feel this way.
Its hard to sit there and tell the cop to ARREST HIM and then sit in the TRO room and fill out all the papers.
good luck to you, i'm looking for a job too
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