Learned alot from my 4th Step
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Poplar Grove, IL
Posts: 72
Learned alot from my 4th Step
After writing my life story, I found out alot about myself. And the biggest fear I have is being alone. Not just physically, but emotionally and spiritually. The things that I have done or have had done to me have all lead to the same path.
My AH's friend rapes me and I get beaten up by my AH (he walked in on it and thought I wanted it to happen). I still stayed with him. Why? Low self-esteem and the fear of being alone. (this is the nightmare that I keep having every night since I started doing my 4th step)
But, I have realized that this stems from when I was a kid. My parents were not drinkers, but as the oldest of 4 girls, and two sisters being special I have had to take care of myself since I was young. My parents had to take care of my sisters and I don't think they forgot about me but were so worn out from doing everything for them.
Mt first boyfriend - when I was 14 - was a control freak. He would walk me to school every day even though I went to an all girls school he was fearful I would meet someone else. I just realized this point the other day when I was writing. Strange that I can see it now, but couldn't see it when I could have reaped from the experience. (Though I guess I can now.)
My son's father left me when I was pregnant with him. At that time I had alot more self-esteem because I knew I could handle things on my own. (Or maybe I just think that now.)
My AH has gotten sober (2 yrs. this weekend) but I can't get over some of the things that he has done or said. So, I guess I still have some growing and recovery that has to happen before I get on with my life.
Sorry to write so much. But my rule of thumb has always been to write it, to type it, and then to speak it. And tomorrow I speak it.
Thanks!
My AH's friend rapes me and I get beaten up by my AH (he walked in on it and thought I wanted it to happen). I still stayed with him. Why? Low self-esteem and the fear of being alone. (this is the nightmare that I keep having every night since I started doing my 4th step)
But, I have realized that this stems from when I was a kid. My parents were not drinkers, but as the oldest of 4 girls, and two sisters being special I have had to take care of myself since I was young. My parents had to take care of my sisters and I don't think they forgot about me but were so worn out from doing everything for them.
Mt first boyfriend - when I was 14 - was a control freak. He would walk me to school every day even though I went to an all girls school he was fearful I would meet someone else. I just realized this point the other day when I was writing. Strange that I can see it now, but couldn't see it when I could have reaped from the experience. (Though I guess I can now.)
My son's father left me when I was pregnant with him. At that time I had alot more self-esteem because I knew I could handle things on my own. (Or maybe I just think that now.)
My AH has gotten sober (2 yrs. this weekend) but I can't get over some of the things that he has done or said. So, I guess I still have some growing and recovery that has to happen before I get on with my life.
Sorry to write so much. But my rule of thumb has always been to write it, to type it, and then to speak it. And tomorrow I speak it.
Thanks!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Angel sweetie don’t ever apologize for writing what is hurting you inside.
I’m not sure you are giving yourself enough credit. First lets start with the self esteem, you seem to think that there is something wrong with your having less self esteem today then when your babies father left... how old were you? Not to mention all that you have endured since then! If during this time you have done nothing to recover from your childhood and teen issues, let alone being abandoned while pregnant ... then you heap rape and abuse to this??? Of course it is going to get worse. If anything else I hope you will take a look at this and stop the feelings like you "should have known" or defeating thoughts... You are an amazing person just because your here..... Do you know how many would have given up and never sought recovery to heal... that is called being a survivor and there is nothing more beautiful then the heart and spirit of a survivor. You could have curled up and stayed a victim... but your not.
For that I applaud you and give you my respect for trying.
Probably the two hardest recoveries to recover from are a parent’s abandonment/abuse and Rape. I understand both of them and really do get it hon.... your not alone.
I was the oldest daughter of an Alcoholic Mother who had rage issues.... and I was the target of that rage... as an adult trying to recover from those feelings I had to have the help of a therapist... and it took forever (well seemed like it) and adding to those feelings I was raped the first time at 12 years old. If one of those issues is not enough of a problem to work through ... both can take a lifetime... I’m still in recovery, I still see a therapist today. I have not had one all this time, but I’m not afraid now to seek out that help when I feel I need too. They say God will not give you more then you can handle, I think that this with the amazing human brain will also keep you from remembering things you not ready for ... I remember things every so often and hence the therapist.
Today you see it, that in itself makes you one strong women, Today you are seeking recovery and that makes you an amazing person. We all made decisions in our past that looking back now were dictated by our abuse.... But you don’t have to live that way today. You can keep recovering and growing and reaching out. You can change the way you perceive yourself and life and when you’re on the other side of this pain you have inside you will be an even more amazing gift.
I’m not sure you are giving yourself enough credit. First lets start with the self esteem, you seem to think that there is something wrong with your having less self esteem today then when your babies father left... how old were you? Not to mention all that you have endured since then! If during this time you have done nothing to recover from your childhood and teen issues, let alone being abandoned while pregnant ... then you heap rape and abuse to this??? Of course it is going to get worse. If anything else I hope you will take a look at this and stop the feelings like you "should have known" or defeating thoughts... You are an amazing person just because your here..... Do you know how many would have given up and never sought recovery to heal... that is called being a survivor and there is nothing more beautiful then the heart and spirit of a survivor. You could have curled up and stayed a victim... but your not.
For that I applaud you and give you my respect for trying.
Probably the two hardest recoveries to recover from are a parent’s abandonment/abuse and Rape. I understand both of them and really do get it hon.... your not alone.
I was the oldest daughter of an Alcoholic Mother who had rage issues.... and I was the target of that rage... as an adult trying to recover from those feelings I had to have the help of a therapist... and it took forever (well seemed like it) and adding to those feelings I was raped the first time at 12 years old. If one of those issues is not enough of a problem to work through ... both can take a lifetime... I’m still in recovery, I still see a therapist today. I have not had one all this time, but I’m not afraid now to seek out that help when I feel I need too. They say God will not give you more then you can handle, I think that this with the amazing human brain will also keep you from remembering things you not ready for ... I remember things every so often and hence the therapist.
Today you see it, that in itself makes you one strong women, Today you are seeking recovery and that makes you an amazing person. We all made decisions in our past that looking back now were dictated by our abuse.... But you don’t have to live that way today. You can keep recovering and growing and reaching out. You can change the way you perceive yourself and life and when you’re on the other side of this pain you have inside you will be an even more amazing gift.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: over yonder
Posts: 1,548
Did you put down all your goodness, good deads, helping others,
and wonderful times, awards you received.
This can be done later, but is a big help.
Another thing we do is make a graditude list.
These are suggestions only, and you can think about it after your 5th step tomarrow. I am so excited about your 5th step. But again, no expectations, this is not a test and no right or wrong way. Lv Ya HUGS
and wonderful times, awards you received.
This can be done later, but is a big help.
Another thing we do is make a graditude list.
These are suggestions only, and you can think about it after your 5th step tomarrow. I am so excited about your 5th step. But again, no expectations, this is not a test and no right or wrong way. Lv Ya HUGS
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
