serenityprayer

I just posted an entire story on this to find out that I wasn't logged in - typical..

So how does this go - My name is serenityprayer and I am married to an ex alcoholic newly substance abuser and I must love it because I keep doing the same things over and over again expecting different results ??

He ruined me financially - lost our home a few months ago - he ruined my business - I am/was self employed- crashed my puters - posted personal pics of my on the internet on swinger sites ( one of his addictions - sex apparenlty but not with me ) stole my and my sons medications and lied about it - now I find out he has been having my sons adderral filled for the past year after I had taken my son off it because - I knew he was stealing it out of the bottle at home. So now the dr's office knows I don't know what's going to happen - I asked him to leave he moved out - I don't know who he is anymore - I am scared and I am scared for him and I want to help but I am so confused and dazed... I know I have hit rock bottom for the inth time in our relationship... There really is nothing left other than this need I feel to take care of him - what is that ? What is wrong with me ??

I am a sane - sober - fabulous independant woman and a great mother - and I feel the need to care for this person who does nothing but drains me - offers no help - doesn't even acknowledge his own son and never really has ??

Has he always been this way and I just chose to put on my rose colored glasses and due the dutiful wife job and sweep everything under the rug - tidy up the loose ends he would create - fix the problems he would create - apologize for everything and put on a smile when I was dying inside ?

My son has never really wanted anything to do with him because he knows he has issues - stealing his medication and then his money and then playing dumb - well - I warned him all along and begged him to stop that he needed to spend time with our son and be a dad before it was too late. He is 14 next month - it is too late now.

I am just rambling because I never went to a group before for support I just drew on my on strength but it is so drained now - I just hear the twilight zone music playing now.. I think I just saw him running down the street ? Oh god - it's a comedy ! It can't be real ? Can it ?

I actually fear this man - I am having nightmares of being shot in the head - I actually woke up a few times to find him staring right at me..
He has a chemical smell about him and is wired to the max all the time now - god only knows what he is doing - he buys so many pills and leaves at all hours - well he did before I had him leave - I just want my life back

Can I get it back ? Can I start life over at 35 - I have to for my son - and stay strong and keep laughing about it all but I want to cry... I wish he would just get help and be the same person I thought he was or that I thought I saw a long time ago -
Am I destined to be an empty hole ? I feel so awful - I live in Ogden Ut and really think I need to attend support groups asap - I feel myself slipping wanting to comfort him and help him but he is on another plane..

serenityprayer

Thank you for making me feel not so alone and insane...

I have been here before actually - lmao - several times -

He quit drinking after my son was born because I found this amazing light within myself that told me to file divorce - so I kicked him out he moved home with his alcoholic parents and his father died while he was there of liver failure.. So he quit - promised the world blah blah - and he never did go back to drinking - he just found a whole new slew of outlets to be addicted to -

and of course it's all me - I have the problems - I should be on medication - I create my own reality - blah blah blah ...

It is nice with him not here though - the thick cloud of black goo is starting to lift from me - I am so tired of being covered in it -

WantsOut

Well you got him out again and if you're strong enough this will have been the last time you had to go through that ring of fire.

Now, can you start at 35? I hope so cause I'm older than that

Have faith in you. if you could withstand the life you had with that man, you can withstand anything life throws at you.

serenityprayer

Let's reminisce shall we ?? Addict to English Conversations..

( voice shaking through wall of tears )
Please I love you and care about you, you need help it's destroying our lives.. Let's go to counseling or talk to someone please..

( irritated and gruff response )
I don't need counseling - I'm not the one with issues.. I don't want to quit drinking, I don't want to quit smoking, I don't want to quit doing what I do. Why are you trying to change me - I haven't tried to change you. I am so tired of your nagging.. I think we need to call the Dr. and get you on medication.. You really have a problem don't you see that ?

(switches to caring and doting attitude)
Come on honey you are just stressed again, we need to get your xanax filled. Lie down and cover up with a blankie.. I will take care of everything - don't worry about (son) (dinner) (groceries) (bills) I will handle it..

(tears subside - maybe he is right ?)
(feeling loved and like I misbehaved and I am the one out of control) ( what an awful wife)
Ok - thanks honey maybe you are right.. I love you I am sorry..

( wake up from nap )
NOTHING IS DONE !! Been on the puter for hours at sex sites - child is starving - no bills paid - no groceries - no dinner !! Wired on adderall and god knows what else to the hilt - eyes rolling around in his head...

(LIVID !!!) (Flames on the side of my head)
ARGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH - SHORT CIRCUIT - Loud noises - yelling - sobbing -

(frighteningly sane and calm comment)
Like I said we need to get your xanax filled.... Let's call the Dr. tomorrow...

parentrecovers

welcome, serenity. k

serenityprayer

Thank you parent recovers - I am happy to know I am not alone and not that crazy.. ha ha

NCRaised

Welcome Serenity Prayer. You have all the strength you need to go on with your life after living through what you already have. My exAH was the same way. I was the one with the problem, not him. I thought I was crazy. I would stand in my kitchen and search the phone book over and over, hour after hour, trying to find someone to help him. But I was afraid to call anyone because I knew it would make him mad and the kids and I would have Hell to pay. I was 41 years old, unemployed and still had two kids to finish raising and get through school. But, once he left, life became so much more serene. It took a long time and a five year court battle, but we made it through it.

You will find a lot of support here.... so keep posting. I'm so sorry you are going through this but I'm glad you found us.

Hugs and prayers to you,

Cindy in NC

dollydo

Welcome,

Re-invent yourself, heck yes...I am 59 and did it for the third time.

You are young, you have your whole life ahead of you, go for it!

Life is a song worth singing, sing it!

Dolly

dayxday

I am older than 35 also - but I have a lot of life left in me.

If I have to start over I will. I would rather choose to leave the misery in the past and live the rest of my life to the fullest than condemn myself to living the rest of whatever life God me gives enduring the pain and misery associated with active alcoholism.

Gita47

I am 47 years old and it has been nearly a year now since I split with my AH. In that time he has moved further into addiction. He is so cold and emotionally detached from the kids even though he knows he has broken their hearts. We are all still hurting but it is not as bad now. Four months after we split he started a relationship with a young girl less than half his age. Another hedonist and the complete opposite to me. That hurt us even more. Looking back I can see that when I could no longer put up with his drinking (physically & mentally) he just moved on and found another enabler. Drink took over, removed the love and light in his heart and now he lives in darkness.

In the last year he has lost his job, family, car, reputation and health. I have had to let go of that nice kind man that I loved and grieve him because I know he is no longer there. That person has gone. What he is now is a liar, a con man, an opportunist and a drunk.

We are still grieving him but I do have my own home, a good job and feel that this year will be so much better than the last. Alcoholism is so destructive and causes so much hurt and pain. I know he is currently very depressed, impoverished, alone now and has nothing. This year does not look so good for him.

I know I have got to move on now without him but, it was not how I wanted it to be. I have read many postings in here and on my bad days drawn strength from others that are going through similar times.

Best wishes to you all.
God bless
Gita

lilac

Welcome. I know where you are coming from. I have been with my A for 14 years, (married 3 1/2). Of course, there are feelings for him there, and it hurts like you know what to think about what I need to do. My head know, my heart just doesn't want to cooperate.


(((Hugs to you))) Keep posting!