lillamy

because I need them right now to stay on course...

I'm getting e-mails from him (from work, we're still married & living together) about how I don't love him anymore and if why don't I do X, Y and Z... and it doesn't get to me like it used to, but I just don't know how to respond. How do you respond when they say "I don't want an answer to these questions, I just need you to know how hurt I am."

My gut instinct is to just -- not respond.

serenityprayer

JUST SAY NO !! Don't respond - do your damnest to turn the other cheek and stay above it - god it is so damned hard but you ARE ABOVE IT. Don't get drug down into the hole they have dug for themselves..

Here I am the expert on this after 20 years of repetitiveness.. Yeah listen to this chick - lmao -

I swear they will do anything to divert away from the bottom line that they have a HUGE PROBLEM and it is THEM not YOU !

lillamy

Thank you... I've been juggling so much lately that I haven't prioritized going to meetings... and I can feel it... (I guess he could, too -- it's been a while since he tried pulling one of those on me...)

WantsOut

I posted the list below on this board in June 2006. I was trying to leave my now exAH. Any of these look familiar? He just got bailed out of jail this morning for his 3rd DWI and it's been seven months since I kicked him out.
---------------------
Here are some more. Maybe I just need to get them out because they do get to me and I need to take their power away.

He says he can't believe I don't want to work on this. As if I haven't been begging him to go to AA and talking about this problem for years.

Something must have happened, implying another man is involved. Dammit, there IS no other man - just me and I want out.

I'm repeating my mother's mistakes (she's been married 4 times) and living out my family pathology.

I'm going to be sorry.

I'm making a huge mistake.

I never loved him.

I have no idea how to communicate and I never told him what I was feeling I just exploded in anger. Funny, I thought anger communicated, y'know, anger.

He helped me a lot and THIS is how I pay him back?!

My family is the only family he has. (that's because you have chosen to be estranged from your own family. Mine are no prizes either but they're there for me in a pinch and I for them.)

You're not even giving me a chance.

I'm using this "alcoholic thing" as an excuse not to try. I tell people he's an alcoholic and they're full of sympathy but I'm not telling the whole story and that's wrong and a cruel, abusive thing to do to him. It's not all his fault.

cupowater

Just last night,when my ABF came home from the bar S#*t faced,just babbling on and on about what the kids were doing at the moment and saying over and over "There's something wrong here don't you think?" And STINKING from the inside out of alcohol (you know the smell) I was trying to watch the second part of a movie I have been waiting all week to watch. I finally turned my back on him and ignored him so he would go away! I had just looked at him thinking "What the He** are you even TALKING about????" I am getting better and better at recognizing when to just give it up and not respond.

serenityprayer

don't forget -

You are the most selfish person and I do it because you only treat me like crap..

I can never tell you how I feel it's always about you you you. I feel rejected and unloved..

ick - blah blah blah

hezzie

If only I'd not get PMS or moody....he wouldn't drink.

If only we had more money....he wouldn't drink.

If only I didn't want nice things...he wouldn't drink.

He tries so hard and takes his (antabuse)....don't I trust him??? NO! therefore he drinks. (confirming my distrust)

If only I'd have (you know what) more often, then he wouldn't drink.

These are excuses, but have been turned into manipulation and guilt trips during my weaker moments. No more though. So now I will be could hearted and THAT will be his excuse to drink.

serenityprayer

Oh man I am so glad someone else is hearing the same thing... I was thinking I am selfish and it is my fault and I am overreacting...

I love this forum... I am so glad we are all in this mess together --

well you know what I mean... Glad we can share --

WantsOut

That is a very potent sentence. Very well put.

lillamy

I can very much relate to that, Dazed.

Ugh. I so just want this crap to be over with.

dayxday

I think sometimes it was letting myself be manipulated based on my “I’ll take care of you” attitude, more than it was him purposefully manipulating me.

He often got on the poor pity me trips, (mostly due to problems with his family) drank to numb himself from feeling anything, then got depressed from the drinking and cycled right back into the pity pot.

I couldn’t stand watching him be upset about the family issues so I constantly tried to save him from his sorrow, but he was not doing anything about his own problems, so the problem pile got bigger and the drinking increased.

I have learned that he has a choice, deal with the problems, deal with the people that bother him or learn to tune them out or live in a pity pot.

Now that I choose NOT to save him from his problems, he is slowly learning to deal with them himself.

StandingStrong

I agree - don't even respond.
I found that the more I responded, the more I was just playing into the game.
And then I just got tired of repeating the same old crap, having the same old conversations, and getting absolutely nowhere different. It's a cycle - and I decided to stop it.

Manipulation - gosh, the examples range from one extreme to another.

Downing himself so that I'd boost him back up again.
Insulting me when he doesn't get his way to make himself feel justified.
Trying to make deals with me, which also include broken promises, lots of words with no actions, and more.
Extreme behavior - Jekyll/Hyde - I love you! I'm sorry! to the extreme opposite!!!! (enter the blame game, verbal abuse, name calling, etc)

I've found that manipulation is generally about anything that is a personal button on someone that once they know they can push becomes as easy to hit as an Easy button. They play on your weaknesses and thrive on your pain. It becomes a game which leaves them feeling satisfied with themselves when they know they've gotten to you and in essence, won.
I guess it's like the "misery loves company" theory - they are miserable with themselves so they want to bring others to their level so they don't feel so alone.

minah

god, its amazing how this disease transcends cultures and languages and manifests the same.

CodeMaster

I tried to break up many times, but each time she would beg and cry until I would change my mind. Each time I was too weak to leave, I suppose you can count that as manipulation because I was her enabler. In the end, she said she didnt need me anymore... it broke my soul... but little did I know she saved my life by leaving. My irrepairable heart was put back together by Destiny's life savers.

Gita47

Absolutely right!! That is exactly what I think.

Although we are all from different cultures, backgrounds etc alcoholics can be read like a book once you step back far enough.

Gita

lilac

The more I respond, the more AH drags me backwards. He will say things like "you're just waiting to get your income taxes done to divorce me", yada , yada , yada............

Meetings (al-anon) keep me grounded. I did not go to any last week, and I can tell it.