SarahOfTheShot

Since Christmas, I have been binging heavily each weekend. This past weekend takes the cake, I started Thursday night and partied all the way through until this (Sunday) morning. I have consumed just about every possible substance in the past 3 days, I am sure my body is going to hate me in the coming 3 days as I detox from something I can only describe as total debauchery.

I am so ashamed, I'd made it 2 full weeks and then totally blew it. And not just for a weekend, for a month now. I am tired of being sick and tired, I hate myself for hurting my family, for my son see me sleeping all day b/c I partied the whole night before.

I feel like a terrible, awful and dysfunctional person. I want to be sober so badly, I want the clarity, I want to learn how to not be a drunk and drug addict. I want to know what it feels like to be totally clean.

It took me 17 some odd years to achieve this level of addiction, surely it will take me quite some time to get past it.

I have decided to start a 12 step program and perhaps even look into outpatient rehab. I thought my will power was enough, but I think that was my denial talking. I am addict, I need professional help. I am truly sick. I just need help.

I have been laying on my couch all day crying, feeling like a total loser of a mother, partner, friend and family member. I feel like I deserve to suffer, because I cause them so much suffering. I feel so selfish and horrid, I feel like I've taken everything good in my life and tried really hard to ruin and I am teetering on a very scary edge.

I just needed to vent, it's been a while since I've been to SR and it's now time for me to suck it up and get on board with fighting these demons and get my self together. If nothing else, my son deserves more from me than I have given him. I just hope it's not to late, that I haven't totally screwed everything up with him.

gypsytears

Sarah it's never too late. Your son is as good a reason as any to start getting well. I'm almost though with my outpatient program and I must say it gave me a much needed kick in the ass to get serious. You can do it too. You just have to want to.

Anna

Hi Sarah,

Never give up trying. You can do this. I know how awful it feels to be where you are right now. Take a look around at some of the posts and I'm sure you will find something to inspire you.

hope3

Hi Sarah, you have been in my hopes and prayers......I'm glad you're back.

Your son and others around you are a great motovation......I want you to read this.......

Quote Sarah 12/17/06 “Last Sunday, I thought to myself...dang, I can't remember the last time I spent an entire weekend sober with a hangover. One Sunday #2, I am in even greater awe that a) I made it 2 weeks b) I don't have a hangover today (again, YAY!) and c) This hasn't been easy, really...at all, BUT...my commitment remains firm.

I just got back in from walking Kasha (The Dawg) and am going to make a big ole breakfeast for the boys and then go see my friend in the hospital who had surgery recently, I am a little worried about her.

So, yeah...getting through the rest of today....I can do it. And that will make it week 2 for me - SCORE!”

Sarah, no one can take those two weeks away..
Remember how good it felt…..

You can do it Sarah, I’m behind you all the way…Hugs, Hope3.

Stormtooth

Sarah,

Obviously you have some desire to change or else you would not have thrown in here.

It may very well be that if you are exposed to the same situations and the same people, like all humans, you will do the same thing.

I found that I had to avoid similar situations and similar people, or else there would be no chance i would stay sober.

By the time I would get into a situation where someone had a drink in front of me, it would be much too late.

It gets decidely harder every time there is a fork in the road, and the early forks are the ones that can be harder in the sense that it alienates people and leaves them wondering if you are "cool" or "with it".

Well no, I am not "cool" any more. that's something you will have to give up.

Part of this is you can not glorify or identify with what you used to do as being fun or interesting.

It will only lead to one thing. You have to give up the idea of being deprived of fun before you'll be able to put this to rest.

Hope

Sarah,

Oh honey, I know what you're going through! That sounds just like I felt when I got sober in Dec 06. I knew I was totally whipped and that I couldn't do it alone! I tried that for so long over and over and kept falling...getting worse the whole time. I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. The progression was absolutely horrible. Everybody had turned their backs on me... and I couldn't blame them. I knew that I needed help... I was destroying myself. I go to AA/NA and it has helped me so much! I've now been clean for 56 days and it took me a LONG time to put those sober days together. I could never do it alone. If I had still been trying that route, I'd probably still be out there getting loaded. But today, life is so much better for me.

It can be better for you too, Sarah. Give AA/NA a chance. Follow the suggestions. I promise you...everyone in those rooms know how you feel because they have been there. There is power in those rooms... YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!

Keep reaching out sweetie!!

GlassPrisoner

Hi Sarah.

Rough, isn't it ?

I remember doing the same. Every time the binge was longer and higher, every withdraw was harder and deeper. I prayed to God to kill me in my sleep, and would curse Him when I awoke.

I am so glad you've admitted that your beat. This is the first half of the first of the 12 steps.

De-tox if you have to, followed by re-hab. When you get out, find and work a support program like AA or NA.

Good Luck and God Bless

Time2Surrender

As long as we are still breathing, it's never too late. Nobody deserves to suffer. I battled addiction for years. I tried every way to stay clean. Nothing worked. When I truly surrendered, and put all my energy into my recovery and focused 100% on working a program of recovery, the obsession to use gradually left. I will never forget the hopelessness I felt at the end. I was convinced it was too late and I was beyond hope. I was in too deep, had hurt too many people, and created too much wreckage. I used to sit in NA meetings thinking I was different. I could never get it. Thank God I never gave up. I have found a new way of life in the rooms of Narcotics Anonymous. One day at a time, I do not use. No matter what. One day at a time for 600+ days I have been clean. The obsession to use left a long time ago. Things I never dreamed possible are happening in my life. How did I do this? Very simply. By working 12 steps with a sponsor. I can assure you, if I can do this, anyone can. Hang in there Sarah.

parentrecovers

so are you going to seek professional help? sounds like you know it could be helpful. don't be afraid to ask for it. it's there if you ask. blessings, k

nogard

Hi Sarah,

The solution is simple stop drinking and start to get well, it does not matter if you have to quit millions of times, its the desire to quit that is important and the action that goes with the desire, so you are still in there with us, just put down the drink and reach out for help.

We get better one day at a time, which is how we got sick too, but our health and our spirits receive an enormous boost right away. Keep it all in the day and see that pity pot over there, well leave it there, in fact ignore it.

Kevin

SarahOfTheShot

You all are so supportive and kind. I guess I just have to get on board and keep trying this. One day at a time.

Hope3's posting of one of my previous postings was really inspiring for me b/c I saw how good I felt, about myself and my life...that I CAN feel that way w/o the drugs and alcohol. That it is generally the drugs and alcohol that make me feel worse instead of better, even though I always trick myself into thinking that drink or that next high will help me relax or I deserve it or blah blah blah.

I am going to seek professional help, tonight I need to rest. Honestly I am still recouping from the weekend, I feel like someone hit me with a Hummer and rubbed salt in all my road rash.

Sigh.

Will check in again soon.

Thanks again guys, you all totally rock!
S

nogard

Ha I remember that feeling. Rest up

Kevin

hope3

OK, here we go.............Quote sarah "That it is generally the drugs and alcohol that make me feel worse instead of better, even though I always trick myself into thinking that drink or that next high will help me relax or I deserve it or blah blah blah."

Thats all I wanted to hear......OK I'm starting a thread devoted to you Sarah, and I want you to check in every day no matter how crappy of a day........If you agree you can join in......lol, hugs comming your way....

Yep, you got it Sarah, thats the inteligent addicted mind at work.