kinipela

Hello all,

I've been aimlessley seaching the internet tonight after getting off the phone with my mom, who called me from abroad tonight and had obviously been drinking. I came across these message boards and wanted some advice because I'm not sure what to do and if I'm over-reacting.

I would not consider my mom an alcoholic, but I do think she drinks excessively. She has had a tough life -- difficult childhood with emotionally abusive parents, unhappy marriage with my dad (they are still together -- they are civil with each other and get along ok but my mom has admitted that she should have never married my dad and I don't think she really loves him. There were frequent arguments when i was little). There are two children -- me, the older sister, and my brother, who is 26 but is severly mentally handicapped and still lives at home witih my parents and requires full time care. I think she is staying with my dad because of my brother.

So as you can see, my mom has not exactly had the most wonderful life. The good news is she does a lot of volunteer work on behalf of my brother, has recently taken up playing the piano again, and heads up her condo board. She is active and has made a big difference in our community.

My difficulty lies with the fact that she really enjoys having 2-3 martinis pretty much every night (and only at night). When she drinks, she gets a little "happy" and slurs her words, but she also gets a lot more confrontational, takes things very personally and repeats herself over and over. We have had our worst fights as mother and daughter when she has been drinking.

I have confronted her about this before which just makes her mad; she just ends up telling me how crappy her life has been and that I should just shut up and mind my own business, and how dare I criticize her, etc. etc. and that she will never stop. Then she starts giving me guilt trips about how she's been so good to me and all I can do is crap on her; how i'm only bringing this up because my husband's mother is an alcoholic, how she is not an alcoholic and if she wants to enjoy a couple of drinks in the evening then it's her own business.

I don't live with my parents but we frequently visit, stay overnight, go on trips with them etc. When I hear the ice clinking in the glass my stomach just goes in knots and I can't even stand it. I love visiting my parents otherwise as they have been very good to my husband and I, but I end up getting mad and then she ends up getting mad feeling like she has to walk on "eggshells" around me and that it's her house and she can do what she wants.

I don't want to stop visitng my mom because i know that the last thing she needs is more heartache. Am I being selfish in wanting her to stop drinking? My husband and i are planning on having kids soon and I wonder what to do then...she is wonderful during the day and i definitely want my kids to have a relationship with them but at the same time I can't get over the feeling I get when I see her drink, and I don't want my kids to experience that. She had breast cancer earlier this year (thankfully caught early and removed) and i thought that might be a catalyst to get her to stop drinking but no such luck.

I know if i told her i wasn't visiting anymore at night or staying over she would be very hurt and it would probably cause increased fighting between her and my dad.

Sorry for the long post, but I really don't know what to do -- it seems like every time i talk to her about it she gets angry. I know she has to want to quit, but the fact is she doesn't. How do you just sit back and watch your mom ruin her health? Any advice would be appreciated!!

elizabeth1979

Hi kinipela!

If her drinking is bothering you and has affected your relationship with her, then its a non issue as to whether or not is bothering her, you are justified in making choices and boundries that protect your emotions.

My father doesnt think his drinking is a big deal and used to tell me frequently to mind my own business and he's had a hard life too. He has. I had a hard one too.

So, for me, I just watch and guard my time around him and my mom, bc its better for me and I feel safer emotionally.

I set boundries with them. Such as, if you become drunk and angry or defensive, I will leave, or I will hang up the phone. Sometimes I slip and stay on the phone, but Ive gotten better about safeguarding myself. Its not healthy for ME to be in that environment.

As for choices you make causing increased fighting amongst your parents..oh yeah, I can relate. When I leave or hang up the phone, it opens the flood gates to their arguments, blaming, etc. I have to let their be thier issue. My priority is doing whats best for me. trying to keep 2 grown adults from bickering is just not my job!

I know its hard to watch and thats why I limit my presence with them.

Im glad you are here! Sometimes its slow at night but more folks will come along and will have more wise words.

GingerM

Elizabeth has said it pretty well.

Their issues are not your issue. If they fight, they do it by their choice. It is actually very common (I think it may be written in stone somewhere) that in all toxic families, there must be a scapegoat. There *must* be more fighting between your parents as they are looking to blame someone, anyone, for their own feelings. It obviously can't be their fault! And so the fights and the blame and the guilt begins.

Your parents are adults. They have the ability to choose whether to fight or not. You are an adult. You have the ability to choose whether you want to dance this dance or not.

It does not matter whether your mother classifies herself or is classified by others as an alcoholic. She could never touch a drop of booze, and the situation would most likely remain the same. The question is, what are YOU going to do to take care of you?

You say she would be dissappointed if you didn't stay with her. Yet you are miserable when you do stay with her. Here is a serious question for you to think about: why are her needs more important than yours? Why do you feel you should take care of her before taking care of yourself?

Stay at a hotel when you visit. Make excuses if you have to ("I don't want to throw off little brother's routine'). When the ice cubes start clinking, head off to the hotel. Take care of yourself. Let her, the theoretical 'grownup' in the family, take care of herself.

kinipela

Thank you both so much for your replies. You are both right in that i am going to have to set boundaries. I will try and start of small, like not talking to her on the phone when she has obviously had a few. I do have a close relationship with them for the most part, so it will be tough. I have to figure this out though.

Thanks again.

elizabeth1979

Let us know how things go for you kinipela!