angelonmyshould

Just wondering if anyone has any advice on doing their 4th step in Alanon.
I know I am ready, I think I have a person to do my 5th step with but don't know how deep I should go with my 4th step.

Any advice/suggestions would be a big help.

Missy

do you have a sponsor to work through with this? This step can be life changing.
Sponsors are angels, I dont know what I would do without mine and she is taking my hand through it all.

Missy xo

angelonmyshould

I do have a sponsor. And I have asked her to do this with me but, I haven't gotten very far with her. Now I am wondering if she ever did one. The Alano Club I go to is not all that big and all people do is complain about the AH or AB. I am trying to find a new meeting to go to outside of this group, too.

embraced2000

hi angel....no help here....dang, it took me two years to do steps one and two. really. i was one pig-headed, determined to hold onto my own will, hard sale case!

someone here recently worked on their 4th step and i can't for the life of me remember who it was....zoey? kermit? jessie?....gosh, i can't remember....but they were exhilerated over the 4th step....they will be along later and share with you, i'm sure....

Missy

Lurk around your meeting and listen and maybe you may find someone who you can ask as a new sponsor and/or work that step with you. You seem to need to move on with that.
Sponsors are not for life. We can fire them anytime and it happens all the time.
Call you al-anon area office. they may be able to help or at least maybe get you a better sponsor.
good luck,
missy xo

Cynay

The 4th step took me forever.... My suggestion is get out everything.... because your next step will ask you to admit the exact nature of our wrongs.

My sponsor had me write a journal per say of my life... When I started things came to me from nowhere and being I was an abused child many of the emotions surfaced... I have had years of therapy and have worked through it all.... but the emotions will still surface here and there. It go to the point that I would only work on it at home cuz I would cry my makeup off.

I went into depth of my life.... but I did not go into depth on any one person.... that is something I will be working on for a very long time... 4th on each person... When I was done we got together and I read my life to her... I do have a unique ability to turn my emotions off if needed... not that they are gone, but I dont feel them at that moment... I did not cry, just read the story.... She cryed for me....

I cant tell you how freeing it is to have someone love you with all your warts, it was hard to lay it all out there like that.... some I have only told my therapist... but it was the most humbling experience to not be rejected but loved thought it.... Trust me I cryed my eyes out later.

Dont fear it, just work though it and take the time you need.... Good Luck

denny57

I found the blueprint for progress book from Al-Anon very helpful. Some people I know swear by following the suggestions in the Big Book of AA. I think the most important thing is to not put any pressure on the whole situation. I can imagine I will be doing 4th steps all my life, as long forgotten memories and resentments are triggered. One of the joys of 12 step recovery is there are no rules. I found what worked for me and I believe you will, too.

I also found meetings that worked for me (it is true some can be b***h fests only) so I hope you have luck with that.

Zoey

When I did mine, the first one was his. LOL, all his good and bad. I was told "No, No, this is a fearless moral inventory of you, just yOU" Shucks, don't want to hear that. I did not have a sponser.

Somehow I started the story of my life, BD, etc, nothing too big or to small that came to mind. Left room to add, suprising what comes to mind once we start. I found that I had been pushing one sister back up on a pedestal as that is where I thought she should be and where I wanted her. She was not nice. (She should have done a 4th and 5th) Every little thing affects us, makes us who we are and why.
Quite a trip.

check 4th and 5th in Big Book, under cpt 5,
http://www.aa.org/bigbookonline/

That tells us everything boils down to fear.

Good luck, Can always do a second one later, so just do the best you can.

Caring HUGS
PS, Think it might have been Kermit?? Mine was long time ago.

GlassPrisoner

I'm heading to a meeting right now, but I'll share the AA "Joe and Charlie" method with you when I get back. I finished mine about 2-3 weeks ago. I'm an alkie, but a 4th step is a 4th step, right ?

Neagrm

There are many ways to do it. I found it helpful to read the various Al Anon literature and related. Also, a step study group was very helpful and we worked in the Blueprint for Progress workbook (doing that with a group made a big and positive difference, much more meaningful and helpful for me, more in depth).

I finally realized I can spend the rest of my entire life on step four, will continue to do so as time goes on. After a year of working on it with a sponsor and the step study group I finally put a limit on it and decided to go for Step 5 recently. It was a good decision because what I did was, summarize what I've learned about myself in Step 4, both weaknesses and strengths; taking a good solid, direct look at my part.

The benefits of the 4th step were made clear and solidified when I did Step 5 and so helpful for moving forward. For the first time in years I'm finally moving forward with my life and taking positive baby steps/giant leaps.

There is no perfect way. The thing is, to just do it and follow where your heart leads, with the support of others healthy in Al-Anon. The work is well worth it.

luv2all

My sponsor had me write an auto-biography type of inventory, starting from as far back as I could remember. After a page of writing, I was shocked over how many times I felt "RESENTMENT!".... it was incredible to learn how many resentments I carried for so many years. Oh, and anger, expectations, hatred, etc., etc.! But with my imperfections, I also had to include my good points. Doing it this way was the best experience of my life, because I got to truly know what I was all about and why!

If you can't find a sponsor to help you get through Step 4, and would like to try a temporary online "STEP-4 SPONSOR," please let me know and I'll be pleased to send you my e-mail address. I've been in Al-Anon for 28-years and nothing pleases me more than to be of help to others here.

Good luck to you,
luv2all

angelonmyshould

Thank you all for responding!

Over the weekend I did find someone to talk too about all of this, too. I wrote my life story down and now I am having nightmares from some of it, but I can handle this. I'm meeting with someone on Wednesday to talk it out. I have wanted to do this for the past year and now I am finally doing it!!!!!

Thanks again! And I'll post how it goes on Wed.

elizabeth1979

This is what worked for me.
Im a child of an alcoholic and honestly behave in similar ways to an alcoholic I've come to realize. Drinking aside. This was a rather difficult realization for me, but it is what it is. Im learning new ways to work my program now that I have come to see this.

Sponsor shopping is never a bad thing. You know, some people click and some dont. Also, you can always ask another alanon to help you through stuff, it doesnt have to be a sponsor, if there is someone you know with awesome recovery, they can help you sort through things too, until you have a solid and comfortable sponsor relationship.

Cynay

Not to mention sponsor shopping can take awhile. Im still shopping and I think it has been a couple months.

Im happy to hear you still working the program though, and the nightmares will get better. I had them for years when I first started my Therapy for being an ACoA but as I worked through things the dreams got better.