itiswhatitis...

jeri, et al;

you have given me courage to face something i hadn't been able to do, ever - i opened the box in the garage that contains a part of my life i haven't had the strength to deal with - i should explain what had happened before i came and read your post jeri...

i belong to a parent loss support group - i lost a twin son 8 years ago @ 22 weeks, a cord accident, his brother ty, was born at 26 weeks weighing less than 2 pounds and is now a thriving 8 year old - no issues - a miracle really - but i never really dealt with the loss of oliver - a mom posted about her 2 yr old son having a *phone coversation with someone* when she asked who he was talking to he pointed to a picture of sister *ibe* and said he was talking to ibe - ibe is his little sister who passed away shortly after birth - i have a 2 year old son that brings out the part of my soul that can be touched like no other - when something is happening to a child - good or bad - i can be brought to tears imagining max in that situation - i was a little emotional after reading that post on miss (mothers is sympathy and support) - i then came here and read jeri's post about finding the box - it took me a couple of days to finally open the box but i did...

i opened the box yesterday - after i had talked to my husband p about his drinking and my arguing and how i can't live like this anymore - he had to get help or get out - after he said maybe we should separate and pretty much made me like my head was going to explode - i opened the box - i cried, sobbed, gutteral sobs from the bottom of my soul - grief that had been bottled up for so many years spilled unto my shirt - onto oliver's pictures, his blanket, my kitchen floor - i was a blubbering idiot but it was a good thing - p called me in the midst of this - i screamed at him that if he wanted to separate and leave this family than so be it - if he couldn't see that help was his for the asking that was his problem but i was done - i could never understand how alcohol could be more important than me or his kids but it wasn't for me to understand - i give up - i cried so hard and so long and felt like i couldn't breathe anymore - it was so freeing - i felt something i hadn't allowed myself to feel that needed to come out - god it felt so good - p called to tell me that he made an appointment for an assessment at the place my son's been attending for the last 9 weeks - he called to talk to z's counselor, who wasn't in - and spoke to an intake coordinator who is seeing him today at 3:30...

last nite z had a meeting at 6:00(followup care for 4 more weeks) - i meet with a group of parents there (our own al/nar/anon meeting) and we go to starbucks until we have a parent education meeting at 7:30 - i saw z's counselor who came up to give me a big hug and ask how things were going - i told him p was coming in tomorrow and he said he knew - i talked to a dad who had left his wife because of her addictions - i talked to parents who's kids were inpatient for months and still fighting their addictions - i went to the parent education group and it was my last meeting - a group of parents who started a parent support meeting 8 years ago spoke of their experiences - i talked about z and being able to detatch from him and setting up contracts with the kids - how helpful that was - how my relationship with my kids is good - no arguing - i accept that they are out of my control and that i can only control my reaction to them - the program is really working for me and i am grateful - when it comes to my husband i'm a little less secure - in dealing with a peer and the man i've loved for 24 years -more than half of my life - i'm confused - i could never hate my kids - p i could hate - he made it easy sometimes - but i accepted it was really his choice - this was huge for me last night - huge - all the education regarding addiction was seeming relevant - with z it was a teenager who did some stupid stuff - he drank and drove - reaalllly stupid stuff -but i, and his counselor, don't know that he's addicted to drinking - perhaps, but i don't think so - p, however, is - all the stuff made sense last night - god does work in a way that lets us see things in the time we are meant to see them - when things will make sense - the universe is no doubt unfolding as it should - the uncertainty of the future is encouraging - like it could be really good - like the pieces are all falling into place...

i don't know what the future holds but i am hopeful - in my eyes the future looks bright - i have dealt with so much in coming here and taking it all in - and jeri, your one post may well be the most important thing i have ever read in my life - thank you for that...

my soul is at peace...

godspeed,
sue

Dolorosa

(((HUGS))) Sue. I am also a bereaved mom - my first-born daughter died when she was five days old. I'm just skimming through posts right now, as I've got a lot to do this morning, but I couldn't close this window without sending you a (((hug))).

embraced2000

sue, sweetie.....you are so brave, strong....and so beautiful. your post has brought me tears, joy, and humbleness.

you are the one that had the heart to open the treasure box of your son and honor his life.....that took tremendous strength and love. from here on out, you will have the strength to face whatever you will need to in order to find recovery for yourself and your children. i truly believe that.

i can't begin to imagine the loss of a child.....words are just too little to pass to you, except to say....god bless.

love to you
jeri

mallowcup

I think sometimes when the horrible things that life can bring come along, we stuff our feelings. We stuff and stuff never really realizing how much time and energy is spent on living and dealing with an alcoholic situation that won't change. The drinking problem factors into everything, so many things that as we look back we didn't even realize. When FINALLY, we stop. We stop. That lifetime of stuffed emotion all comes right back demanding to be dealt with. The death of your twin comes back to say, "Hey!, I deserve to be remembered, to be mourned. This was a very big deal. As you feel overwhelmed with all this "stuff", as you sort through it, you will come out on the other end feeling at peace. As we go anlonmg and heap this stuff on, it effects our energy, our focus, our zest for life. I'm glad you opened the box. The lid was ready to blow. Please come here as you can't decide what to keep and what to throw out. I hope you find comfort in knowing we all have our own box full of stuff to sort out. You are brave and wise but mostly human.

Cynay

That post is so humbling it brings me to my knees....

That is my worst fear, losing my daughter. There are no words to express how brave and beautiful you are to me at this moment.... I can honestly say Im not sure I could do that...

I understand that release of emotion... of fear, pain,anger, guilt... of being primal in your greiving.... Im so proud of you. You are going to be in such a better place after this.... Never Ever doubt your strength... you have just shown how amazing you truely are.

Thank you so much for sharing that with us.

itiswhatitis...

thanks you guys - i appreciate the kind words and encouragement - i haven't spoken to p yet - he had an assessment at 3:30 - t (the counselor) said it may take a couple of hours - i have no idea what to expect but i did tell p that as long as he is sincere in his recovery i will be here for him - we have been through a lot together and i have hope - i tend to equate faith with that which gives up hope - i'm not ready to say i have faith in him but i hope...

we are getting ready to go to my 8 year olds pinewood derby but i wanted to say thank you - i look forward?! to this part of my journey and having all of you here with me...

sue

mallowcup

On the lighter side of psychiatry....we have an extremely esteemed psychiatrist who I respect and admire greatly. She is brilliant. She is always composed and along with umpteen years of school, she has umpteen years of experience. She is absolutely up on the very latest street slang, street drugs and she knows so much about things like ectasy and huffing. She knows what different tatoos represent etc. She came per usual to assess a young girl and the girls whole wingnut family was present. She came out and I asked, what do you think? She looked at me and said, "I'll tell you what I think, they're all nuts".

luvmyfurbabies

I understand your pain. At the tender age of 15, I gave birth to a premature baby girl who died the day after she was born. I was never able to have any more children and then had to have a hysterectomy at the age of 21. The grieving process is a long and painfull process. I am now 46 but every year on July 13 I think of my baby. When I was pregnant I started to crochet a baby blanket but never finished it. I still have that unfinished blanket.

zzz11

I have never lost a child so I will not say that I understand how you feel about that but being a mom, my heart goes out to you, sweety. You must be one of the bravest women I have ever heard of.
~sending hugs your way~