rnl915

I am a 37 year old woman, wife, and mom. I joined because I need some exta support. I have a hard time opening up. I took the steps to join a program about a month ago and started on sat. I left my house the night before because my husband and I got into a fight. I didn't think I could stay strong for myself if I had to deal with his name calling and be-littling. He doesn't mean it, I know he loves me. he just doesn't understand and gets frustrated if I get emotional. I started drinking to deal with a back injury. The pain pills stopped working and I self medicated. After five years, 4 operations, loss of a career I loved,putting my family through hell, and knowone getting that I needed to vent or I was going to come unglued, I guess I shut down. I have a hard time telling my husband how I feel. I am tierd of being judged, and belittled. I can accept that I brought it on myself but I can't be strong when I feel so small. If that makes any sence. I have been doing great this week and my husband and are going to meet to talk tonight. He has been trying so hard but I still can't bring myself to open up completly and every time he pushes I crawl deeper in my shell. He wants me and the kids to come home. I want to save my marriage I just wish he could understand I have to save myself first. Any advice???

CarolD

Welcome to SR!

I am sorry for this situation.

Prayers for all of you going out

fivealive

Welcome to SR, you will find all the support here. You do need to put yourself first to recovery but talking to hubby and asking him to support you might work. I know it did with my situation, almost identical except I never actually moved out but once he was supporting me emotionally and physically I moved on in leaps and bounds and so did our marriage.
Good luck and my thoughts are with you that you will be strong.

luv2all

I'd like to wish you good luck, too, and may you gather up the strength and courage to get help for yourself as quickly as possible. There are lots of AA meetings and the more you can attend, the greater will be the speed of your recovery.

Please keep coming back to share with us. We care!

Hugs,
Luv2All

midwestgirl37

Dear RNL - I started drinking to self-medicate anxiety that I've always had, and to escape problems in my personal life. But the irony of drinking is that it made both my anxiety and problems 100 times worse. I got to the point where I was one binge away from jail or death...
Coming here, seeing a doctor, and going to AA are all good ideas that can help you recover. Wishing you peace & happiness for the future.
Midwestgirl...

midwestgirl37

Dear RNL - I should also mention that I'm a 37 year old woman too. Looking back, I probably have always had a predisposition to drinking too much....so maybe there's a genetic factor involved as well. However, I didn't start drinking heavily until my early 30's. For a very short time, drinking seemed like a good escape. But it truly almost ruined my life.... I'm so grateful today to be sober. I hope you can find the same peace and happiness.

All my best,
Midwestgirl...

parentrecovers

welcome, rnl - keep posting! blessings, k

rnl915

Thank you to the few who responded to my post. I guess I did'nt say too much about my situation. I don't know how. I'm having problems in group right now. Not because I can't talk about my addiction, and not because I can't own up to my issues but because I can't find one person in my life I can turn to if needed. Whats wrong with me? My family moved to this city 7 years ago and I have not connected to one person here. This was before I started drinking. I was told in group to list one or two people in my life I trusted to be there for me, outside my imediate family. I am at a loss. I have been doing great both emotionaly and physicaly. I haven't even thought about drinking and I have not taken one pain pill for my back. I have been in pain but I haven't wanted to mask it. I just have been focused on feeling everything. The fact that I couldn't come up with even one name bothered me. I got very emotional tonight and needed time to think about this. After I cooked dinner, feed everyone and cleaned up, I went and sat up in the bathroom to be alone to think about this. After about 30 min my husband stormed in and said "You've fallen off the wagon!" The thing I don't understand is, how do you do everything you can and still try to figure out your emotions without being accused of doing something wrong. I had a bad day and I didn't even think about having a drink. I just was trying to figure out why I haven't found home in this city. I can't tell him that, I tried years ago when we first moved but he didn't understand. The fact is the people I do feel I could trust and be there for me are the people he moved me away from. I made the choise to give up everything for love. Sometimes I think I have resentment issues but I would do it again for love. I just wish he saw that. I just wish he would give me a chance to be me again. The last six years has been hell. four major opperations in a five year span. I self medicated with alcohol to help with the pain, to mask the deppresion from losing a career I loved and to deal with the fact I hated where I lived. I know I made it hell for him too. I have focused so much on what I have done to him I tend to forget about what I have done to myself. After tonight I realise I have to focus on me right now. I can't let anyone bring me back to where I was. I just don't know how.......

So I guess all of this post was just rambiling, but it felt good. please give some advise, someone, anyone.

hope3

Welcome, you have come to the right place for support.....

Feel free to ramble all you want, it helps to figure out our feelings as we go a long. I keep a journal, that helps me.

You are right about focusing on you first. So you can be whole for your family later.

You didn't ask for your back problems. You slipped in to a pain relieving circle, but you are wise and strong to realize its time to stop...

When I need time to sort out my feelings, I tell my lover I need to be alone to think and plan, and I do what I need to do, and thank her for understanding.
I plan about an hour a day for pondering and an hour a day for educationg myself about my disease, (Alcoholism) and it is helping me grow, and by me growing, our relationship is growing, its a win win situation...

Good Luck rnl915. Hope3.

parentrecovers

i know when my daughter was in rehab, and very new to sobriety - she was adviced to keep her feelings simple. mad, sad, afraid, ashamed, glad.

so many emotions at first. keep it simple, and feel it?

hang in there, blessings - k

lostmdboy

Hi. I am pretty new to this whole recovery thing my self, and My wife I think some times acts like your husband. I have been told by many peeps on this board, and other places to give her time, and they are right. I have her her so many times (most I can not remember from the drunk'n fog) That it is going to take her time to "trust" me again. Keep working on your self, and hopefully your husband will come around.

vashti45

Dear Rnl--I'm so sorry that your husband isn't able to be more supportive for you. Would he be open to going to couple's therapy or some other kind of support group? Sometimes it takes an objective third party to help a couple work out these tough issues. Also, can you be in contact with your friends through email or phone? It's so important to have support. You can't do it alone. I know because I've been trying to do it alone for almost 20 years. I'm 44 now, and I'm lucky to have a wonderful, caring and considerate husband. But even so, he doesn't understand my addiction. He can have one or two drinks, and then stop. I can't do that, but he doesn't understand that I can't. He thinks it's enough to set rules like, "no drinking alone; no drinking except on weekends; no more than two drinks." I like the sound of these rules because it allows me to pretend that I'm not addicted. But I am. And I have to find a way to stop, no matter what, or I'm going to miss so much time with my children. Right now I'm missing whole huge blocks of time (from drinking myself into a fog) that I'll never get back.

Remember that you have to put your health first, or you won't be able to be there for your husband and kids. It's like they say on the airplane, "secure your oxygen mask first before assisting your children."

I'm so great at giving advice; too bad I suck at acting on it myself. ;-)

jsummer63

I am new to this myself

I am a 43 year old mother of two young children & two older children. Who I love and adore. Easier than I do myself. I posted a thread elsewhere and don't know how all this works...but I just wanted to share a little.

I really don't know where to begin so I will start with the list of who I am. I am a neglected, depressed, abused, anorexic, bulimic, ex user, and current alcoholic.

The worse that brought me to seek help was in my mid 20's when I was 5'9 and weighed barely 70lbs. I was in a abusive, destructive, lonely marriage with two small children.

Fortunately the two grown children are beautiful children with issues of their own. Which I am sure I had a huge hand in. Now I have a hand in messing up my younger ones.

I now am involved and engaged to a man that has beaten me like a dog. On a few occassions and now mostly with his mouth and intimidating behavior. I can't say that the alcohol doesn't help me somewhat stand up. But I am one not to resort to hitting. I have always been one to abuse myself way before I abuse anyone else. But isn't that just another part of me that plays the marytr. Knowing good and well my actions and behavior are affecting someone.

The reason I am writing is now my abuser has used the alcohol as a way of throwing me down even further. He is right. It is pathetic. The one thing I never wanted to become. My parents were alcoholics, and ragers, and totally incapable of giving parental love and nurturing. So I become them.

I started drinking and realized that it started helping me let go of the anorexic and bulimic rituals. It even helped me lose weight. It helped me lose alot, alright. I tried telling my doctor that I had it in my head that if I stopped then i would gain weight and I would go back to the other things. I truly believe it. Now I find that I am not only those things but an alcoholic on top of it.

I don't know what to do. My self esteem is at an all time low. My self worth is worthless. I am just playing into my fiancee's abuse. I have to sit here and face that I am still abusing myself. I am allowing others to abuse me. It is terrible. I feel as if I am on the outside looking and watching a person just lay there and let people kick, punch, slap, and demoralize them...and they aren't fighting back...just laying there.

I guess I am feeling utterly pathetic. I needed to tell someone. I needed to hear it or see it outside of my head.

I need something and I don't know if I will ever find it. I just know i have children that i am suppose to be raising. I am suppose to be a role model. I am suppose to show them to love themselves. Respect themselves. Draw boundaries with people and demand respect. How can I when I don't know how myself?

It is sort of sad and good to say I am glad to see that others have been where I am and glad to see they are better than where I am. I hope you find strenghth in the wisdom and the words that I have seen in just the minutes I joined this site. Hopefully, I will use the good sense that God gave me and take the advice and do something about my situation. Good luck.