jjaaam

Hello all...

I was here about a year ago. At that time I was seperated from my family and basically drinking myself to death every night. In 60 days I think there was only 2 or 3 that I didn't drink.

We got back together around Christmas 2005. The problem is that it was the third time I had been in this situation with my wife, and she was pretty cautious about getting back together. All of the lying was really getting to her.

I quit for about two months, and I thought I had it beat. Things were actually going pretty well. Then the monkey came back...you know, "just a few won't kill anyone, and if I am careful about it no one will ever know". And I was pretty damn good about hiding it. It started to snowball from there.

Well, I got too careless last week, and she confronted me on it. I got tired of lying and told her "yes...I have been drinking again". The talk of divorce reared up again, and at that time I was pissed off and I didn't care.

One thing I should mention is that I act like a jerk. I have no patience for anything, and I snap very easily. I talk to my wife and kids like they are dogs.

I went to my shrink and he reiterated what he said a year ago. My bad moods were due to imbalance in the brain when not drinking; and that it caused a lot of anxiety. He prescribed Campral and Klonopin to relieve the cravings and anxiety.

I am one day dry, but I am scared as hell. This will be the FOURTH time that this has happened with my and my family, and I don't know what my wife will do. She wants to wait for a bit due to financial and other family issues (my brother in law is going to Iraq and she does not want to stress out her parents even more).

All of the lying has screwed her up. After four times of this sh*t, I don't blame her one bit for wanting to just get out. I myself am tired of being in bad moods all of the time because I find myself in situations where I can't drink - even in normal every day life just being at home.

Everyone will say that they have never seen me really drunk before, just happy. It seems like alcohol is the only thing that chills me out.

What can I do? What can I say to her? How can I make up for all of the pain I have caused? Her stress over all of this has made her physically sick and depressed. She is on Lexapro now to take the edge off her nerves because she doesn't know what to expect from me on a daily basis (mood-wise).

All of the times before I didn't care. Now I do.

HELP!!!!!!!!

Personally I am on Lithium, Lamictal, Campral, and Klonopin.

The thing about it is this feeling of wanting alcohol in my life has been going on for a very long time. I took my first drink when I was 14. I quit when I was 16 for about two years because I didn't need it. at 18 I have been full blown ever since. In the beginning though I just didn't need it as much; I could take it or leave it. The last five years or so have been terrible.

This has gone on for so long...I should have known there was potentially a problem when we we first got married and I was annoyed because she did not want me to keep beer in the fridge (17 years ago). A year later my daughter was born. Of course I was "happy", but I felt an impending since of doom knowing that it would only be a matter of time before I couldn't drink at all due to my wife not wanting it around the house (her dad was an alcoholic and she did not want the same life again).

Before anyone says it, I really don't want to go to AA. I have tried it in the past and I just didn't like it. Not everyone needs it for recovery, and I would like to try other avenues for support.

Sorry to ramble.

Anna

Unfortunately there is not much you can do or say to your wife and family right now. The only thing you can do is to not drink and show them with your actions that you are changing. You are not alone in being in a situation like this and I know how horrible it feels. Things may or may not work out the way you want them to, but you will find that the road to recovery involves a lot of letting go.

Tazman53

Well the only thing I can tell you is after alcohol kicked my ass for 40 years and I tried the last 10 years to quit with every method known to man that AA was the last thing I wanted to do.

But my ass was kicked, there was nothing left, I wanted to get and stay sober and it was not until I was willing to do ANYTHING to get and stay sober that I went to AA.

I was just like you except I lost my first wife of 17 years partially due to my drinking and was well on my way to losing the second of 15 years and drinking myself to death.

If you can find something else that works for you go for it, but AA worked for me and millions of others. If you want to quit drinking then I suggest you look around and check out how many other programs have numerous people with well over 10 years of sobriety and then decide "Do I want to quit drinking? Am I willing to do anything to quit?" If the answer to those 2 questions is yes then I can tell you that not only has AA kept me sober, but AA has also made me a far better and happier person then I have been in 30 years.

I am not saying AA is the only way, it's not, but it worked for this old drunk.

leviathon

Geees, that is quite the list of medications. Lithium is usually for schizophrenia. Is there something else going on that you are not dealing with?

You need to work this out on your own, but support, such as that in AA, is necessary. You cannot do it on your own b/c you don't seem to catch yourself when you start to think "Just one or two, no one will know". A buddy, like in AA, will call you on this stinkin' thinkin'.

Peace, Levi

gypsytears

Hi jjaaam . I think the best thing you can do is work on yourself and get the drinking out of your life if that's what you want. Words are just words unless accompanied by actions so there may not be much to say to your wife right now that will really mean anything. Just stay away from the alcohol first and foremost. Time will heal many things.

Tazman53

I found that staying sober and working the steps worked best for me and my family. The easier and softer ways I tried for over 10 years did nothing except keep me drunk and frustrated and my family miserable.

I'mready99

I'm sorry you are going through this...

The only thing I think you can do, is to not drink and just try to be the best person you can to your wife and family. You cannot change the things you did in the past and you can't really expect your wife to forget...

Just try to treat your family with love and respect from this day forward...

Best of luck to you...

One day at a time.

Steve

imready

You mention that you take Klonipin. Bear in mind that this medicine is just a substitute for alcohol and is probably more addictive. Be very careful. Good luck to you on your sobriety path.

GlassPrisoner

What you've been doing is not not working.

What I was doing was not working either. It was only when I admitted complete defeat, and slunk into the rooms of AA, that I was given a taste of serenity.

Tazman53

Thanks GP, you said it in far fewer words then I did.

fivealive

you have taken that first step by being honest so well done, your children sound the same age as mine and I look at them now and realise how much I missed out on them when I was drinking but I have taken steps to live and be part of their lives everyday, you'll be surprised how enjoyable children can be. I'm sorry that your wife and you are having problems but she would have seen her own mother go through exactly the same thing and she will be scared as well but she has come back to you three times now which shows that she does love you so it's up to you now to show her how much you love her and your kids by being strong and resisting the drink and perferably give up the drugs as well as they can be just as addictive. You can do this just give your family the time they need to adjust to the sober, truthful you.

CarolD

Here is a link for various recovery programs..

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-programs.html

Blessings o all of you