Why do I feel so quilty????
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Lynn, MA
Posts: 25
Why do I feel so quilty????
Sorry for all these posts...
Why do I feel quilty about taking my two kids and myself to an al-anon meeting? My AH said a few things about it and I'm feeling very guilty. He said, "maybe I should leave." "you don't listen to my opinions" (maybe I would listen if you weren't drunk all the time) "I can't believe you went without discussing it with me" "You sneakily went behind my back to go to the meeting" (I was afraid to tell him before hand) I'm being sucked in again!!!!! This isn't going to stop me from taking the kids and going again.
I felt I just needed to say that.
Thanks
Why do I feel quilty about taking my two kids and myself to an al-anon meeting? My AH said a few things about it and I'm feeling very guilty. He said, "maybe I should leave." "you don't listen to my opinions" (maybe I would listen if you weren't drunk all the time) "I can't believe you went without discussing it with me" "You sneakily went behind my back to go to the meeting" (I was afraid to tell him before hand) I'm being sucked in again!!!!! This isn't going to stop me from taking the kids and going again.
I felt I just needed to say that.
Thanks
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: asia
Posts: 45
i wish i knew! can you break it down into bits?
is it because you went? because you took your kids? because you did tell him? because you didn't tell him before? because you feel guilty doing stuff for yourself? because, because, because????? try to break it down into little bits.
hope you feel better soon about your choices.
is it because you went? because you took your kids? because you did tell him? because you didn't tell him before? because you feel guilty doing stuff for yourself? because, because, because????? try to break it down into little bits.
hope you feel better soon about your choices.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
Well, this is the first outward move that you've made to recover, to seperate yourself from the responsibility to tolerate the drinking and all that comes with it. You have drawn a line and said, This is as far as the kids and I are going in this direction. He has been having his own way with this for too long. Of course now, it's time for him to do some work and he doesn't like it. If someone loved you and there was no problem, wouldn't they just laugh and say, you silly girl!
As this process continues, you will be stunned at just how selfish he has been and continues to be. If there is no problem, what difference does it make if you go? He does not want you gaining wisdom or strength, he does not want you to have support. He does not want to lose his grip. I know it would be easier to just not go. It isnt worth it. Please go. There is a seed inside you that is saying go. Keep going, Push past the hassle of it. Do it for you and do it for your kids. It is not just about going somewhere he doesn't want you to go. It's about finally saying, I will not quit or give up one more thing for your alcoholism. He can leave. The best it yet to come for you and your kids. The water is up to your neck and your husband is still insisting that the ship isn't sinking. God gave you a head and maternal instinct. I think you already see that he is fully prepared to spend your kids too. I hope the kids liked going. I hope you did too.
You will come to realize just how conditioned you have become. You will realize how many times he has manipulated your spirit.
As this process continues, you will be stunned at just how selfish he has been and continues to be. If there is no problem, what difference does it make if you go? He does not want you gaining wisdom or strength, he does not want you to have support. He does not want to lose his grip. I know it would be easier to just not go. It isnt worth it. Please go. There is a seed inside you that is saying go. Keep going, Push past the hassle of it. Do it for you and do it for your kids. It is not just about going somewhere he doesn't want you to go. It's about finally saying, I will not quit or give up one more thing for your alcoholism. He can leave. The best it yet to come for you and your kids. The water is up to your neck and your husband is still insisting that the ship isn't sinking. God gave you a head and maternal instinct. I think you already see that he is fully prepared to spend your kids too. I hope the kids liked going. I hope you did too.
You will come to realize just how conditioned you have become. You will realize how many times he has manipulated your spirit.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
can you see the comparisons he is making.....does he value your opinion about his drinking? does he consult with you and your children before he drinks? does he sneakingly drink without letting you know?
alcoholics like to keep everything hush-hush. many of them think you are airing their personal issues in a public forum at al-anon, which is not the case. they think the meetings are about them.....wrong again.
it's strange how self-centered they become with their alcoholism....trying to keep it within the wall of their own homes becasue it isn't anyone elses business.....but guess what??.....EVERYONE ALREADY KNOWS!
he is trying to keep his drinking sanctuary untouched and unchanged so that he may continue to do what he does. you and your children making changes by going to a recovery program is a tremndous threat to his life as he knows it.
he is quacking. quack. quack. quack.
keep going and keep strong. the al-anon program is for you and your children...it is not about him.
love to you
alcoholics like to keep everything hush-hush. many of them think you are airing their personal issues in a public forum at al-anon, which is not the case. they think the meetings are about them.....wrong again.
it's strange how self-centered they become with their alcoholism....trying to keep it within the wall of their own homes becasue it isn't anyone elses business.....but guess what??.....EVERYONE ALREADY KNOWS!
he is trying to keep his drinking sanctuary untouched and unchanged so that he may continue to do what he does. you and your children making changes by going to a recovery program is a tremndous threat to his life as he knows it.
he is quacking. quack. quack. quack.
keep going and keep strong. the al-anon program is for you and your children...it is not about him.
love to you
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
Excellent points embraced. Be prepared. In the next week betwen now and the next meeting, you will have developed a fat as-. You will hear how selfish you are, how stupid, how ungrateful, you are poisoning your kids minds agaisnt him, quack quack quack. I'd suggest that a walkman or wax ear plugs be a part of your daily routine. He's going to try to hurt you and wear you down. When no one falls apart because "He's leaving", he'll start to work on the kids. Once you realize how shallow and manipulative he is, how willing to hurt you and the kids, the flame will grow inside you. His perfect world just shifted.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Lynn, MA
Posts: 25
Thanks
You make perfect sense. As I look back, I do see how he has manipulated me. I wouldn't go out to the store with the kids without telling him first because he would get mad and call me 10 times on my cell. It's okay for him to just take off for hours and not come home till the next day. Then tell me he didn't want to wake me so he didn't call. Of course, I would be awake worrying. Boy, if I did that, I would get the wrath. When I talked with him this morning I think that trying to wear me down has already started. I read this board everyday periodically throughout the day and it gives me the strength not to fall into the trap he is setting out for me. Boy, it's very hard, but, damn I'm gonna do it!
Thanks all and sorry for all the rambling.
You make perfect sense. As I look back, I do see how he has manipulated me. I wouldn't go out to the store with the kids without telling him first because he would get mad and call me 10 times on my cell. It's okay for him to just take off for hours and not come home till the next day. Then tell me he didn't want to wake me so he didn't call. Of course, I would be awake worrying. Boy, if I did that, I would get the wrath. When I talked with him this morning I think that trying to wear me down has already started. I read this board everyday periodically throughout the day and it gives me the strength not to fall into the trap he is setting out for me. Boy, it's very hard, but, damn I'm gonna do it!
Thanks all and sorry for all the rambling.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Poplar Grove, IL
Posts: 72
You already know that it is a trap he is setting. That is your first step towards recovery! You have no reason to feel guilty about anything. The ISM is what turns you and the kids against his alcohol. The alcoholic needs to be in control - he lost some of that by you going to a meeting. He's scared. But, know that he is not in control of your life - YOU are.
God bless you and I'll pray for you!
God bless you and I'll pray for you!
let it grow!
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 15,540
when i went to my first alanon meeting, they told me to go to 5 or 6 meetings before making any decisions about alanon. i suggest the same to you, and your kids. it just takes time. and in the long run, it will help your husband as well to see you taking care of yourselves - good role models for him? blessings, k
Becoming a Butterfly
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 904
Just a similar example. mine refused to wear his wedding ring on the grounds that he "didn't like jewelry". After badgering him about it for two years, I finally got mad and told him I was not going to wear mine either. I took them off. He was stunned, "You can't do that!" Oh really? Watch me.
You never saw a guy put a ring on faster. Ironically he's been wearing his ring since I told him I wanted a divorce. Buddy, the horse already left the barn ...
You never saw a guy put a ring on faster. Ironically he's been wearing his ring since I told him I wanted a divorce. Buddy, the horse already left the barn ...
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Originally Posted by dogandbooklover 
What does ISM stand for? I've seen it posted several times and I can't figure it out. I think I've gotten down most of the other abbreviations.
Mike
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,579
Originally Posted by dogandbooklover
What does ISM stand for? I've seen it posted several times and I can't figure it out. I think I've gotten down most of the other abbreviations.
Some people like to remember the behaviors of the ISM by remembering the selfishness the disease demands...I...SELF...ME
Recovery is more than "putting a cork in the bottle"
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
I'm betting he's used to manipulating you, having control over you, and doing what he does with no consequences and being able to live in his own denial of the problem.
Often times, A's don't like when a person goes for recovery because they fear what they don't understand, it embarrasses them that someone they may know will see you there and the secret will be let out of the bag, and as was pointed out already, they may have heard of others that have gotten stronger because of Alanon. The reasons could be many or few, it's really hard to tell what your AH's reasons are.
But like embraced said: You do for you and the kids what you must do - let his thoughts and opinions be his own.
Often times, A's don't like when a person goes for recovery because they fear what they don't understand, it embarrasses them that someone they may know will see you there and the secret will be let out of the bag, and as was pointed out already, they may have heard of others that have gotten stronger because of Alanon. The reasons could be many or few, it's really hard to tell what your AH's reasons are.
But like embraced said:
can you see the comparisons he is making.....does he value your opinion about his drinking? does he consult with you and your children before he drinks? does he sneakingly drink without letting you know?
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