Scared
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Anytown, USA
Posts: 264
Scared
Sorry for the long post... This is my first posting here in this particular forum.
Hi everyone, I have seen some of you out & about at the Alcoholism forum. I am a recovering alcoholic woman, age 34, just over 13 months of sobriety by the grace of God & with the fellowship of AA. I have 2 elementary school aged kids. I inherited my alcoholism from my mother and my father who are both alcoholics who claim to have quit drinking but are not seeking any form of support. I have heard them on the phone a few times (they live across the country from me) after their alleged quitting date, when they sounded drunk. My sis, who lives closer, thought they were drinking again. I know this is not my problem. I no longer believe them that they are quitting, I try not to ever ask them about it. We don't see them much. They know not to drink in front of me. Anyway.
As I emerged from the fog where I have been burying myself for so many years things were looking great for so long. The thing that really got me here is communications issues with my husband. I realized I have pretty much set NO boundaries in the relationship whatsoever. That has set me up for defeat, resentment and unhappiness. When I began explaining to him what I needed to stay sober we had to completely adjust to the fact that I was now actually saying what I wanted. I did this because I would do anything to stay sober, even risk actually saying what I wanted.
My communication skills are getting better but I am starting realize just how f*cked up I am. In my family I was expected to have psychic powers in order to know exactly what people were saying when their words told me the opposite. I never said what I wanted for fear of rocking the boat. And I just let people walk all over me for fear they would abandon me if I didn't. Now that I have set boundaries with my husband I have learned I can actually do that and not be abandoned. Things have gotten a lot better with us, we actually sit & discuss things and come to a conclusion that makes sense. There is still a long ways to go though. I know it cuts both ways. It is not just one or the other of us. I have been so fearful of speaking my mind since childhood. I was the "hero," the A student, theatre star, full academic scholarship, blablahblahblah... I was the one who was supposed to perfect, so no one noticed the elephant in the room of alcholism.
My husband is an ACOA too. He doesn't drink and he doesn't attend any meetings and he won't. He does go to therapy and there he does discuss his late, alcoholic dad. He also discusses the communication issues we are having. He is supportive of 12 step recovery, just doesn't think it is for him.
I just feel like I am in a very fragile place right now. I guess I have now realized that getting sober has not solved all my problems?
What should I do? Where do I begin? I have read CoDependent No More by Melody Beattie, and the ACOA stuff and Struggle for Intimacy. And they have helped but I guess there is some step work to do? I love the 12 steps, they saved my life. And now, I guess I need them to save my sanity. Where do I go? Al-Anon seems a little more oriented to people who are married to A's? And deal with them each day. Maybe ACOA? I already do 3 AA meetings per week---???????
I am scared of this person I am. Or maybe I should say there is a very scared person inside of me. I'm blessed to have my motherhood back, I spent an hour tutoring one of my kids in math, something I NEVER could have done before. So that is good but I don't want my kids to be f*cked up like me. You know when I was 15 I was blabbing away at my friends how much I hated my parents and was never gonna be like them? All the while with some cheap vodka in the other hand. In honesty I was hooked from the very first time I got drunk.
So you can see that "everlasting vow" didn't work out so well for me--this is my chance, though--I really want to be a good supportive mother to my kids. Help! I am about to turn 35 and I feel about 5.
Hi everyone, I have seen some of you out & about at the Alcoholism forum. I am a recovering alcoholic woman, age 34, just over 13 months of sobriety by the grace of God & with the fellowship of AA. I have 2 elementary school aged kids. I inherited my alcoholism from my mother and my father who are both alcoholics who claim to have quit drinking but are not seeking any form of support. I have heard them on the phone a few times (they live across the country from me) after their alleged quitting date, when they sounded drunk. My sis, who lives closer, thought they were drinking again. I know this is not my problem. I no longer believe them that they are quitting, I try not to ever ask them about it. We don't see them much. They know not to drink in front of me. Anyway.
As I emerged from the fog where I have been burying myself for so many years things were looking great for so long. The thing that really got me here is communications issues with my husband. I realized I have pretty much set NO boundaries in the relationship whatsoever. That has set me up for defeat, resentment and unhappiness. When I began explaining to him what I needed to stay sober we had to completely adjust to the fact that I was now actually saying what I wanted. I did this because I would do anything to stay sober, even risk actually saying what I wanted.
My communication skills are getting better but I am starting realize just how f*cked up I am. In my family I was expected to have psychic powers in order to know exactly what people were saying when their words told me the opposite. I never said what I wanted for fear of rocking the boat. And I just let people walk all over me for fear they would abandon me if I didn't. Now that I have set boundaries with my husband I have learned I can actually do that and not be abandoned. Things have gotten a lot better with us, we actually sit & discuss things and come to a conclusion that makes sense. There is still a long ways to go though. I know it cuts both ways. It is not just one or the other of us. I have been so fearful of speaking my mind since childhood. I was the "hero," the A student, theatre star, full academic scholarship, blablahblahblah... I was the one who was supposed to perfect, so no one noticed the elephant in the room of alcholism.
My husband is an ACOA too. He doesn't drink and he doesn't attend any meetings and he won't. He does go to therapy and there he does discuss his late, alcoholic dad. He also discusses the communication issues we are having. He is supportive of 12 step recovery, just doesn't think it is for him.
I just feel like I am in a very fragile place right now. I guess I have now realized that getting sober has not solved all my problems?
What should I do? Where do I begin? I have read CoDependent No More by Melody Beattie, and the ACOA stuff and Struggle for Intimacy. And they have helped but I guess there is some step work to do? I love the 12 steps, they saved my life. And now, I guess I need them to save my sanity. Where do I go? Al-Anon seems a little more oriented to people who are married to A's? And deal with them each day. Maybe ACOA? I already do 3 AA meetings per week---???????
I am scared of this person I am. Or maybe I should say there is a very scared person inside of me. I'm blessed to have my motherhood back, I spent an hour tutoring one of my kids in math, something I NEVER could have done before. So that is good but I don't want my kids to be f*cked up like me. You know when I was 15 I was blabbing away at my friends how much I hated my parents and was never gonna be like them? All the while with some cheap vodka in the other hand. In honesty I was hooked from the very first time I got drunk.
So you can see that "everlasting vow" didn't work out so well for me--this is my chance, though--I really want to be a good supportive mother to my kids. Help! I am about to turn 35 and I feel about 5.
Last edited by came2believe; 01-22-2007 at 10:14 PM.
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
came2believe....do you truly believe?
came2believe that a power greater then... let Him handle the worries.
We took years messing things up, it will take a little time getting everything straight.
Progress, not perfection.
Keep doing what you are doing...work on your recovery one day at a time and enjoy every sober minute you have.
In my wildest dreams, I never thought that things could be as good as they are for me right now. I have passed a point of old goals so many times.
You will as well. Six months from now when you look back or even six week or six days from now, you will see so many changes as well.
It does get better and we do notice it after a time. Others tend to notice it faster then we do. There is where the changes come most times...others take notice.
Congratulations on your year plus a month. Good job.
came2believe that a power greater then... let Him handle the worries.
We took years messing things up, it will take a little time getting everything straight.
Progress, not perfection.
Keep doing what you are doing...work on your recovery one day at a time and enjoy every sober minute you have.
In my wildest dreams, I never thought that things could be as good as they are for me right now. I have passed a point of old goals so many times.
You will as well. Six months from now when you look back or even six week or six days from now, you will see so many changes as well.
It does get better and we do notice it after a time. Others tend to notice it faster then we do. There is where the changes come most times...others take notice.
Congratulations on your year plus a month. Good job.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Hey there came2, and welcome to our little corner of recovery.
I used to feel exactly the way you described. I sobered up in AA, and then realized I had lots more stuff to work on.
Didn't solve all of mine either, but it allowed me to reach out and find ways to solve them that I never could have done when drunk.
You already did 
You have started reading, you have posted here, you have reached acceptance of what is troubling you and you have started taking action to overcome those troubles. You're doing just fine.
What I did was rotate my meets. I shopped around the AA and ACA meets and would substitute one of those for one AA meet. That way I kept the same _number_ of meets per week. I found that some al-anon meets were strongly flavored towards ACA while others were not. I found ACA meets that were good for me, and some that were not a good fit.
Been there, done that. Sounds to me like you are already worlds away from being like your parents, I think you got that battle won already.
Yup, that's exactly the way I felt. And you're right, it's just like having a scared little child inside that needs attention. What I do is "talk" to that little child inside and do what I would do with a real child. Comfort the child and reasure it. That's called "Healing the inner child".
As far as your husband going to therapy, as long as it works for him don't fix it. Some people really don't "click" with the 12 steps but they find other ways to heal.
Yeah me too. I was the "lost child", but otherwise I also had that "code of silence" brainwashed into my head. What worked for me was to give myself permission to just say a _little_ bit to folks in meeting and let them _earn_ my trust. If they weren't receptive I'd just avoid them.
Welcome again came2, you're going to heal from all this just fine. All the rest of us did, each in our own way. Browse around this forum and toss out any questions that come to mind. Oh yeah, those 13 months of sobriety? That's pretty durn awesome, congratulations.
Mike
I used to feel exactly the way you described. I sobered up in AA, and then realized I had lots more stuff to work on.
Originally Posted by came2believe 
... I guess I have now realized that getting sober has not solved all my problems? ....
Originally Posted by came2believe
...What should I do? Where do I begin? ....
You have started reading, you have posted here, you have reached acceptance of what is troubling you and you have started taking action to overcome those troubles. You're doing just fine.
Originally Posted by came2believe
... Where do I go? Al-Anon seems a little more oriented to people who are married to A's? And deal with them each day. Maybe ACOA? I already do 3 AA meetings per week---???????....
Originally Posted by came2believe
... You know when I was 15 I was blabbing away at my friends how much I hated my parents and was never gonna be like them? All the while with some cheap vodka in the other hand. In honesty I was hooked from the very first time I got drunk.....
Originally Posted by came2believe
...Help! I am about to turn 35 and I feel about 5. ....
As far as your husband going to therapy, as long as it works for him don't fix it. Some people really don't "click" with the 12 steps but they find other ways to heal.
Originally Posted by came2believe
... I have been so fearful of speaking my mind since childhood. I was the "hero," ....
Welcome again came2, you're going to heal from all this just fine. All the rest of us did, each in our own way. Browse around this forum and toss out any questions that come to mind. Oh yeah, those 13 months of sobriety? That's pretty durn awesome, congratulations.
Mike
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Anytown, USA
Posts: 264
Thanks for the welcome you guys. And for the reminder of the continued importance of my HP in my life, through all challenges and explorations. That's great news! Last night I felt so bad and just fell to my knees and it was amazing. My problems weren't taken away but my worries, anxieties, fears, all were removed. Sure they may creep back in from time to time but the FIRST thing to do is what it always was--surrender.
I am going to see my therapist on Monday. I plan to discuss a lot of this with him. And I'll look into ACOA/Al-Anon meetings in my area too. There is a friend of mine who is an AA who keeps inviting me to one certain Al-Anon meeting knowing that she, and I, are ACOAs. So that may be a good one.
I really appreciate the welcome and the reassurance I am on the right track! I made a tough decision based on evidence and not emotions today, and went forward in a decisive direction that made sense. The evidence outscored the emotions all over the place and I went forward based on the evidence. No need for a ton of details, but WOW. I had no idea how impaired my decision making has been but the GOOD news is that I was able to do it. So, progress!
Thank you to all, I'll definitely be reading and posting here and exploring this issue. It feels good.
Last night I felt so bad and just fell to my knees and it was amazing. My problems weren't taken away but my worries, anxieties, fears, all were removed. Sure they may creep back in from time to time but the FIRST thing to do is what it always was--surrender.I am going to see my therapist on Monday. I plan to discuss a lot of this with him. And I'll look into ACOA/Al-Anon meetings in my area too. There is a friend of mine who is an AA who keeps inviting me to one certain Al-Anon meeting knowing that she, and I, are ACOAs. So that may be a good one.
I really appreciate the welcome and the reassurance I am on the right track! I made a tough decision based on evidence and not emotions today, and went forward in a decisive direction that made sense. The evidence outscored the emotions all over the place and I went forward based on the evidence. No need for a ton of details, but WOW. I had no idea how impaired my decision making has been but the GOOD news is that I was able to do it. So, progress!
Thank you to all, I'll definitely be reading and posting here and exploring this issue.
It feels good.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Just wanted to add my welcome too came 2. I cant add anything that these two did not cover, they are some of our strongest in recovery.... follow what they have to say and you cant go wrong.
Your recovery is showing all over the place. I am an ACA and Al-anon and find that those meetings are pretty good for digging pretty deep.
Keep posting and moving forward.... Congrads on 13 months that says alot about your determination.
Your recovery is showing all over the place. I am an ACA and Al-anon and find that those meetings are pretty good for digging pretty deep.
Keep posting and moving forward.... Congrads on 13 months that says alot about your determination.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Pasadena,Ca
Posts: 147
Came2believe,
Welcome! Wow! When I read your post I couldn't believe. Your story is so similar to my own. I know that scared feeling of not knowing where to start but already, after just a few days I am feeling like I am taking steps towards my recovery and it feels good.
I don't have any great advice to give you because I am just beginning this process. I can share with you what I am doing so far. I am reading everything I can about ACoAs and recovery. I am reading Healing the Child Within and have the workbood that goes with it called A Gift to Myself. It looks like a pretty long process, the workbook suggests taking 3-5 years to work through. Yikes! I am seeing a therapist for myself (my husband and I see one together to deal with relationship issues - this is what led to my awareness of all of my ACA issues), I have attended an ACA meeting and will return to that a few more times (not sure yet if it is right for me, but I will give it some more time and maybe try some others).
And I am posting on this board and reading as much on it as I can every day.
This board and its members have already been such an incredible support for me. I really believe I wouldn't have made it to my first meeting without the help of everyone here. For that I am truly grateful.
I feel overwhelmed at the amount of work to be done and not knowing really where to start. I was feeling very anxious about this until I read someones post that reminded me to take one step at a time. I realized any action toward my recovery is a step. Whether it be reading a book or seeing a therapist or posting on this board or attending a meeting or even just talking to someone about what I am doing. I let go of the idea that I need to "fix" this problem as quickly as possible and just decided to start moving forward in whatever way felt right at that particular time. I decided to let go and trust that more would be revealed when it was supposed to be as long as I kept moving forward. I guess you could say I surrendered my control and have faith that I will have guidance.
It sounds like you are already doing a lot of things. I would agree with everyone else here, you are already working on your recovery. Awesome!
Please keep posting. I feel like we are starting this process together and we may have a lot we can share with each other.
By the way, consider yourself lucky. You are "seeing" this problem a lot earlier in your life than I did. For me, I didn't get until I had been sober for 12 years and married for 15. I think you have been given a gift.
Congratulations on your sobriety. That is another gift!
Kathleen
Welcome! Wow! When I read your post I couldn't believe. Your story is so similar to my own. I know that scared feeling of not knowing where to start but already, after just a few days I am feeling like I am taking steps towards my recovery and it feels good.
I don't have any great advice to give you because I am just beginning this process. I can share with you what I am doing so far. I am reading everything I can about ACoAs and recovery. I am reading Healing the Child Within and have the workbood that goes with it called A Gift to Myself. It looks like a pretty long process, the workbook suggests taking 3-5 years to work through. Yikes! I am seeing a therapist for myself (my husband and I see one together to deal with relationship issues - this is what led to my awareness of all of my ACA issues), I have attended an ACA meeting and will return to that a few more times (not sure yet if it is right for me, but I will give it some more time and maybe try some others).
And I am posting on this board and reading as much on it as I can every day.
This board and its members have already been such an incredible support for me. I really believe I wouldn't have made it to my first meeting without the help of everyone here. For that I am truly grateful.
I feel overwhelmed at the amount of work to be done and not knowing really where to start. I was feeling very anxious about this until I read someones post that reminded me to take one step at a time. I realized any action toward my recovery is a step. Whether it be reading a book or seeing a therapist or posting on this board or attending a meeting or even just talking to someone about what I am doing. I let go of the idea that I need to "fix" this problem as quickly as possible and just decided to start moving forward in whatever way felt right at that particular time. I decided to let go and trust that more would be revealed when it was supposed to be as long as I kept moving forward. I guess you could say I surrendered my control and have faith that I will have guidance.
It sounds like you are already doing a lot of things. I would agree with everyone else here, you are already working on your recovery. Awesome!
Please keep posting. I feel like we are starting this process together and we may have a lot we can share with each other.
By the way, consider yourself lucky. You are "seeing" this problem a lot earlier in your life than I did. For me, I didn't get until I had been sober for 12 years and married for 15. I think you have been given a gift.
Congratulations on your sobriety. That is another gift!
Kathleen
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Anytown, USA
Posts: 264
Thank you so much! My AA meeting (my fave of the week) helped SOOO much today. There are a lot of people there with a lot of sobriety and therefore many of them have been just where I am & have a ton of perspective. Just being there helped.
I am taking a different spin on things now. This is an opportunity for real personal growth that I would never have had if I hadn't put down the bottle. My parents and so many others haven't gotten this opportunity. So although it is scary and I don't know what the future will bring, working to grow as a person will ONLY help me. I "win" no matter what happens. Because growing is winning.
I stumbled upon a great website today. http://www.coping.org. The stuff on it feels like just what I need right now. It's 12 step based and that feels familiar to me too. I think I've identified the problem, so that is step #1. Will print out a bunch of stuff from the site & bring it with me to the shrink on Monday. I'm happy about it!
THANK YOU AGAIN!!!! Much love!
I am taking a different spin on things now. This is an opportunity for real personal growth that I would never have had if I hadn't put down the bottle. My parents and so many others haven't gotten this opportunity. So although it is scary and I don't know what the future will bring, working to grow as a person will ONLY help me. I "win" no matter what happens.
Because growing is winning. I stumbled upon a great website today. http://www.coping.org. The stuff on it feels like just what I need right now. It's 12 step based and that feels familiar to me too. I think I've identified the problem, so that is step #1. Will print out a bunch of stuff from the site & bring it with me to the shrink on Monday. I'm happy about it!
THANK YOU AGAIN!!!! Much love!
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