hopeangel

i have decided to try and set little boundaries with ah and go from there. simple things like shutting the door when i go in the bathroom, him not seeing me undressed, of course, no intamacy. him not getting to hear me say "i love you". him not getting hugs. kisses, etc. he has been cut off.
it got me wondering, what are some others "little boundaries"?
do i feel bad about this, ABSOLUTELY!. i feel bad that he is going to treatment and is 37 days sober and i know he is going through a hard time and dealing with a lot. i would love to be able to be supportive -to just forget the way he is treating me and his actions and give him a hug and tell him i love him. gosh, i do feel like the bad guy being tough
you see, i can see myself going into my usual thinking and now starting to justify and it was not so bad and he is suffering and i should be supportive, etc.....you all know the thinking that allows us to eventually give in and accept things that are truely unacceptable because we feel bad for them or we want the love/companionship from them - or the worse of all, maybe I am the one being unreasonable, or i am the crazy one, or I am at fault, or i am being too hard on him, making a big deal out of nothing, just let him do what he wants. maybe if i give in or be the "bigger person" he will be grateful and happy and see what a wonderful person i am and maybe he will be willing to give me the things i want and we'll get on with our lives living happily ever after.
so, how do i stay strong? what are your little boundaries? what thought processes have allowed you to compromise what you believe?

LaTeeDa

Those things you mention do not sound like boundaries to me, they sound like punishments. You are punishing him for not meeting your expectations. This will result in resentment on both your parts. Boundaries are not about doing something in retaliation, or attempting to force your way on someone else. Boundaries are how you protect your peace and sanity. What can you do for yourself, instead of doing something against him?

L

hopeangel

it does sound like punishment doesn't it? i can see how it sounds that way, but with the history, its really not. it is me trying to maybe put a "safety zone" around me and not let him violate it. so that i do not compromise myself. i told him too that when i wrote the letter for his treatment about what his addiction has done to me that i wanted that to be it. i did not want to let him give me anything else to be resentful or angry about. if i give in once again. i will be angry and resentful once again.
the boundaries are not for him -they are for me. does that make sense?

LaTeeDa

Sure, I guess I can understand that. If it makes your life better, then it works. I suppose I just read it the way I did because I spent many years punishing my husband for his behavior and nearly made myself insane in the process.

L

parentrecovers

i know my daughter needed a lot of hugs in early recovery, still does at 100 plus days. just a thought, k

newenglandgirl

I think it just depends on how you look at it. But if you do not want to be intimate, then I think the things you are doing sound right.

The hugging/kissing/saying "i luv you" part can be really hard! I am a very affectionate person, so not doing these things is really a toughie - unless my AH is being a dink. Then it's not a problem. The more I get in touch with MY anger (trying to tap into this!) the easier it is for me to be "cold".

But watch out HopeAngel...because you say that you are hoping that he will give you the things that you want...are these expectations healthy/realistic?

If you are doing these things in hopes that he will give you what you want, then maybe they are more like punishments that really in the long run will just drain you emotionally. The point of boundries, I think, is supposed to protect you emotionally.

denny57

Why wouldn't you say "I love you?"

hopeangel

thats a good question. i do tell him i love him and always will even in bad times (i am just not offering it like i usually do) he has done something that is very unacceptable to me and i guess i feel if i say that it is giving him the impression that what he did is okay and there are no consequences.

LaTeeDa

So, in other words, you are punishing him?

hopeangel

we have to set them somehow don't we? i think you have to know the history of the situation. it is in my other posts, sorry i can't post it all.

but, just yesterday, before he went to order the "tile" which i am completely against. i told him that he has someone who loves him and would be there for him through anything and will love him for life- he went and bought the tile ANYWAY. every time i do this-plead my case to him and tell him how i feel and he has NO regard for my feelings and just does his own thing (smiles and laughs when i tell him) - "I" feel violated. i don't want to feel violated anymore.

LaTeeDa

Yes, but punishment will not work. Here's an example off the top of my head.

You posted before about being angry over him tiling one of your rooms against your wishes and without your input. You also mentioned he is not working. So, a boundary would be that your paycheck is not going to finance his tile project. You are not controlling his behavior, you are simply setting a limit that is about you, not him. He may still do the project, with his unemployment check, or other resources he may have, but he's not doing it on your dime.

That's just something that came to me. I'm sure if you think about it, you can come up with boundaries that aren't punishments. Just keep in mind that consequences are things that happen naturally as a result of actions. Not something that you invent.

L

queenteree

My AH, 99% of the time, is nice and loving, both drunk and sober. But, when he is drinking, he can sure talk my ear off and that becomes annoying to me. So I set boundaries in place for when he is drinking - he has to go upstairs to "his room", which is really a den with a 36 in. tv, reclining sofa, etc. I am not mean about it, I just say - "I love you but I can't take you like this, please go upstairs" and 99% of the time it does work. He'll even sleep up there that night (or nights). He'll come down once in a while to talk for 5 minutes, I allow him that, then he goes right back.

As far as boundaries go though, I have set them in place in my life for not just AH, but for anything that affects my sanity. Example: my daughter, who is a single mom of two small kids and a nurse, works a full time job and a part time job. I have committed myself to watching her kids every other weekend a month and two nites during the week (plus I work a day job full time). Granted, she has a stressful job and being a single mom isn't easy, but you know what, I didn't create that situation. I didn't chose that, she did. I get tired and watching her kids after working full time myself isn't easy. But I still treat people with consideration and respect. So when she is stressed, and sometimes takes an attitude with me, I tell her that I will not speak to her until she takes it down a bit. She knows if she is snotty or mean, or takes her day out on me through her attitude, that is unacceptable behavior and I won't tolerate it.

Another example of how my recovery helps me in other aspects is the other day, I was in a minor fender bender in a parking lot. The other person started screaming that I hit her car, I felt she hit me, I said "look, instead of us yelling here back and forth on who hit who, which we could probably do all day, let's discuss what we're going to do about it. Let's come up with a solution to the problem and not argue about who caused the problem." She agreed and we came up with a plan. We acted, not reacted.

Granted, I've had relapses, but I try my best to be firm and consistent in keeping with the boundaries I have put in place. And new ones are popping up all the time.

denny57

I understand what you are trying to do. I don't think withholding love is a consequence. LTD gave a great example of a boundary. I try to think in terms of what is good for me, not what is against the other person. It takes practice. Posting here is a great way to sort it out. It becomes more second nature as time goes by - at least it has for me, because I am constantly learning to listen to my inner voice as to what is right for me.

With the example you use, when would the "I love you" ban be lifted?

hopeangel

he already knows he is completely responsible for whatever projects he starts that i am not in agreement with. i made very clear that i was not paying for them and am not responsible for there outcome. that is good. you are right.
i also explained to him that if he wants my support in doing things for the house, he could call and cancel the "tile" and the TWO of us could sit down and maybe come up with ideas that we could both agree on and work together on and i would support that - his response - nope, i am doing it anyway.
problem is it is my investment too and i really feel that he is ruining it what can i do to stop him?

LaTeeDa

You can't. Just like we can't make them stop drinking. If his behavior is unacceptable, then you must decide what you are going to do to protect yourself. You cannot make other people do what you want, even if you are right.............

L

hopeangel

thanks - you just made me laugh - "the i love you ban" thanks for putting that in perspective -lol

well, humm, i guess if he says "i love you" and he corrects what he has done and his treatment of me shows the same.

really, i always make a point of telling him "i love you, but i am angry and upset and hurt...etc."

hopeangel

he is talking about wanting to sell the house and i think what he is doing is taking away its value. i don't have any rights to protect it?

denny57

What would happen if you went out and bought tile you liked; and then hired someone to lay it?

WantsOut

hi Hope - what I did to set boundaries was when he was drinking, I was gone. As soon as I realized he started drinking, I went into my office and ignored him for the rest of the night.

After a couple of weeks he started to come looking for me because he was lonely. I told him, "You're drinking and I'm not going to hang out with you when you're drinking." He moped away. Didn't stop drinking, tho.

hopeangel

i thought about calling home depot and cancelling the tile order? do you think i could do that? would they let me? is it right? the catcher is that the wonderful mother - soon to be wife -hehe - works at home depot and answers the phones while she is there. do you think i could pull it off?

i thought about just calling and saying that we needed to cancel the order. we did not agree on it and it needed to be cancelled.??? whatcha think?