Why can't I stick to a decision?????
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Virginia Beach
Posts: 12
Why can't I stick to a decision?????
After two years of on and off sobriety, I told my AH that I was done. He was either going to have to go to rehab which I had already checked into for him or I wanted a divorce. He told me that five to seven months of sobriety was the best he could do and if that wasn't enough then he was sorry. I kept saying, "I can't believe you would be willing to give up 16 years of marriage and your family (kids 8 and 10) before you would get the help that you need. He said that his company would look down on him and he wasn't ready to do it. He is still living with us, sleeping in a different room, but I told him that he had a week to find an apartment before the locks changed. Things have been good over the last couple of days with no arguing, etc. I went to church this morning and the topic was "Boundaries in Marriage". One of the things he did say was that no failure was bigger than grace...look at how much grace God has given us.
I don't know why I can't make this decision. My husband is not abusive or any of that and when things are "normal" and he's not drinking everything is fine. This last time he was sober for 5 months. I know that I am making this decision for 3 people and not just me. I have a good paying job and can get by on my own. I lost both of my parents when I was 14 and 29. I feel like I have lost so much in my life....how can I lose this too! Any words of wisdom?
I don't know why I can't make this decision. My husband is not abusive or any of that and when things are "normal" and he's not drinking everything is fine. This last time he was sober for 5 months. I know that I am making this decision for 3 people and not just me. I have a good paying job and can get by on my own. I lost both of my parents when I was 14 and 29. I feel like I have lost so much in my life....how can I lose this too! Any words of wisdom?
Becoming a Butterfly
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 904
Look through my old posts, hon. You're telling my story word for word.
I got sick of watching the snoring, passed out, sour-beer-smelling lump on the couch. Got sick of the lack of companionship, sex, and intimacy.
Seriously, go read my very first post on soberrecovery. It was last June or so titled "Trying to get divorced". It's your story.
BTW, it has been nine months since I kicked him out and he still hasn't quit.
I got sick of watching the snoring, passed out, sour-beer-smelling lump on the couch. Got sick of the lack of companionship, sex, and intimacy.
Seriously, go read my very first post on soberrecovery. It was last June or so titled "Trying to get divorced". It's your story.
BTW, it has been nine months since I kicked him out and he still hasn't quit.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Ohio
Posts: 105
(((Peace Seeker)))
Decisions can be difficult to make, especially when they effect others in addition to yourself. Personally, I find the sicker I am, the harder it is to make a choice and stick by it. I no longer trusted myself to make good decisions.
I've often see-sawed back-n-forth on 'what to do'? Do I leave and start anew or do I settle in and make the best of it? I kept looking for "signs" from God to clue me in on what He would have me do with my life. If He presented any, I didn't see them.
Just prior to moving out, I actually wrote on little slips of paper "stay" and on others "go". I folded them and put them in a box, shook it and pulled out my 'answer'. When the first one read "go", I couldn't believe it. Thought to myself, ok - 2 out of 3! The next one said "stay". (Did I mention I was sick? LOL) It wasn't this game I'd devised that enabled me to move out, but rather another drunken episode at an all time low-point in my life. That, coupled with the glimmer of hope that leaving might afford me the much sought after peace of mind.
Emotionally, the move was excruiatingly painful for me. I cried, he cried. Why I was so paralyzed by the enormity of it all that I couldn't even pack! Instead, HE PACKED UP some boxes for me. HE unpacked me in the apartment. In between trips from the apartment to the house to get more things that day, he'd managed to stop off and buy his booze. I smelled it on him, found the bottle, and that was the first moment I felt glad to be getting out, to have a place to go to get away from it all.
(I moved back over a year later, but that story can wait for another post)
I empathize with the struggle you're having over which path to choose. Truth is, there are no wrong choices. For myself, I knew in my heart of hearts that I had to do something different 'this time'. No more weak threats, no more 2nd chances for him, no more false hopes that he would suddenly forsake the bottle for me....I knew I had no other choice any longer.
If I moved out and hated it, wanted my old life back, I knew I could return any time. If I moved out and loved it, then all the much better for me.
Know that whatever you do, whatever you choose, we're here for you.
Peace to you~
GHM
Decisions can be difficult to make, especially when they effect others in addition to yourself. Personally, I find the sicker I am, the harder it is to make a choice and stick by it. I no longer trusted myself to make good decisions.
I've often see-sawed back-n-forth on 'what to do'? Do I leave and start anew or do I settle in and make the best of it? I kept looking for "signs" from God to clue me in on what He would have me do with my life. If He presented any, I didn't see them.
Just prior to moving out, I actually wrote on little slips of paper "stay" and on others "go". I folded them and put them in a box, shook it and pulled out my 'answer'. When the first one read "go", I couldn't believe it. Thought to myself, ok - 2 out of 3! The next one said "stay". (Did I mention I was sick? LOL) It wasn't this game I'd devised that enabled me to move out, but rather another drunken episode at an all time low-point in my life. That, coupled with the glimmer of hope that leaving might afford me the much sought after peace of mind.
Emotionally, the move was excruiatingly painful for me. I cried, he cried. Why I was so paralyzed by the enormity of it all that I couldn't even pack! Instead, HE PACKED UP some boxes for me. HE unpacked me in the apartment. In between trips from the apartment to the house to get more things that day, he'd managed to stop off and buy his booze. I smelled it on him, found the bottle, and that was the first moment I felt glad to be getting out, to have a place to go to get away from it all.
(I moved back over a year later, but that story can wait for another post)
I empathize with the struggle you're having over which path to choose. Truth is, there are no wrong choices. For myself, I knew in my heart of hearts that I had to do something different 'this time'. No more weak threats, no more 2nd chances for him, no more false hopes that he would suddenly forsake the bottle for me....I knew I had no other choice any longer.
If I moved out and hated it, wanted my old life back, I knew I could return any time. If I moved out and loved it, then all the much better for me.
Know that whatever you do, whatever you choose, we're here for you.
Peace to you~
GHM
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Virginia Beach
Posts: 12
Wants out- Out of curiosity, do you have any children with your husband? If my husband was an @#%hole it would make my decision easier! He is a good man with a bad problem that I just can't deal with and have been dealing with for too long! More than anything I am scared!
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
"I got sick of watching the snoring, passed out, sour-beer-smelling lump on the couch. Got sick of the lack of companionship, sex, and intimacy."
I got sick of the same things. Richard was a wonderful partner when he was sober, too. But the fact is, he was so seldom sober that all I had to look forward to were more days where he was passed out, sour-smelling, and irresponsible and more days without companionship, sex, and intimacy.
When I took a good, hard look at my relationship with Richard, I realized that he had a relationship with alcohol and I had no relationship at all. I asked him to leave two years ago and it was the hardest and best decision I could have made for myself.
Today, I can't imaging ever settling for a life like that again. I hope you find the clarity to make the right decision for you and your children.
I got sick of the same things. Richard was a wonderful partner when he was sober, too. But the fact is, he was so seldom sober that all I had to look forward to were more days where he was passed out, sour-smelling, and irresponsible and more days without companionship, sex, and intimacy.
When I took a good, hard look at my relationship with Richard, I realized that he had a relationship with alcohol and I had no relationship at all. I asked him to leave two years ago and it was the hardest and best decision I could have made for myself.
Today, I can't imaging ever settling for a life like that again. I hope you find the clarity to make the right decision for you and your children.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: US
Posts: 84
Oh dear, Peace Seeker.
We are kindred spirits. I am a Christian, have been married for 15 years, kids 14-8, and have been struggling with this so long...your "Boundaries" book resonated with me. I've been through so much counseling! AH has been in rehab three times now, verbally abusive, and more physically agressive in the past few months. Search my posts and you will see bits of my struggle.
My pastor finally told me that it was time for me to get him out. He will be leaving next week. I dont have a pot to p*ss in, but I am now seeking work, after homeschooling for the last twelve years. I know that I will somehow be o.k. I am so worried about what will happen to him now, but I need to take care of myself and the children. This is not a marriage...a mere sham of what God intended it to be.
You will know what you need to do when it is time. Open your life to experts, to friends, to family...somtimes when we are in this situation, it is too easy to "love" and too easy to cut ourselves and our children short. I know that it took me a long time to get to this point. Keep posting!
We are kindred spirits. I am a Christian, have been married for 15 years, kids 14-8, and have been struggling with this so long...your "Boundaries" book resonated with me. I've been through so much counseling! AH has been in rehab three times now, verbally abusive, and more physically agressive in the past few months. Search my posts and you will see bits of my struggle.
My pastor finally told me that it was time for me to get him out. He will be leaving next week. I dont have a pot to p*ss in, but I am now seeking work, after homeschooling for the last twelve years. I know that I will somehow be o.k. I am so worried about what will happen to him now, but I need to take care of myself and the children. This is not a marriage...a mere sham of what God intended it to be.
You will know what you need to do when it is time. Open your life to experts, to friends, to family...somtimes when we are in this situation, it is too easy to "love" and too easy to cut ourselves and our children short. I know that it took me a long time to get to this point. Keep posting!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Texas
Posts: 782
I always used to ask myself why I couldn't stick to a decision. Honestly, the going back and forth probably got to me just as much as him actually drinking! Living in a state of uncertainty, always questioning yourself is incredibly difficult.
As many on here know, I've always loved Dr. Laura. I kept a few of my favorite quotes of hers on indecision.
and she said those of us in these relationships are usually guilty of saying
Best to you.
As many on here know, I've always loved Dr. Laura. I kept a few of my favorite quotes of hers on indecision.
Originally Posted by Dr. Laura
All decisions come with ambivalence, so there’s nothing unusual there. Every correct thing we want to do when it’s a big change from what we’ve done makes us nervous. Nothing cataclysmic about that. It’s ambivalence*. Everybody has it with every decision they make. You don’t have to work yourself through it, you follow through with your plan. We women primarily make the following mistake: We think the emotions have to change before the actions can. And it’s not so. If that were so, then a fireman would wait three hours before running into a burning building. Because emotions would tell him, what am I an idiot? I’m going to get hurt.
Most of the time it will be OK on the other side. Some of the times, it won’t.
Most of the time it will be OK on the other side. Some of the times, it won’t.
Originally Posted by Dr. Laura
As long as I can make myself not see this situation honestly, I can stay in it.
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