kindredSpiritGr

You know when you've put up with just about everything you think you can possible stand. When you tell yourself this is as much as I can bend. Then you become acclimated to that and you find that you bend more and more, for freakin ever. My AH and I have always had a monogamous relationship and I have always counted on that. I cannot stand the thought of my husband touching another woman. In fact it makes me feel insane. Well guess what folks, I have been given the "Ive been thinking about sleeping with other women. I dont know if I can be monogamous." I instantly felt the floor drop out from under me. Instant panic. Instant fear. Then he says "well I didnt say I would do it, im just feeling like i want to." Well, when he drinks ive seen him do and say things that he would never do sober. (He told me all this sober). Now Im obsessing about it. Its all i can think about. Every sex commercial, every breath im thinking about him making love to someone else. (p.s. we have very good sex, we always have). The thing that i cant believe is that im still here! Im actually considering giving him the go ahead to have extra-marital affairs! I feel sick and so lonely. How much does he think I can take. I told him in the beginning when we first met that monogamy was important to me, I left my last relationship because he cheated on me. He wants me to give him brownie points for being honest. Well damn im sorry, your right i shouldnt be having a nervous breakdown because your honesty is so admirable, thanks for giving me the heads-up that your gonna run me over you freakin sh**head! WHY, WHY , WHY DO I LOVE HIM AND LIVE LIKE THIS! Ive always been a strong, independant woman what the hell has happened to me. Im in a trap. I wish i could hate him. Or at the very least not love him. How can I sit here at home knowing hes with another woman? What if he developes feelings for her or falls in love with her? OMG! Im loosing it. Please, Please, Please god help me.

Cynay

Ahhhhh Baby, Im soooo sorry.

Why? Where did you go??

You are sick hon.... I are a beautiful person and you dont deserve this, but more then that you dont deserve to keep accepting more and more... That is your choice. It sounds like you set the boundry when you married, monogamous relationship, are you willing or able to change that now? I know for me I could and would not do it.... give permission??? Nope, that is not for me... those I have forgiven an affair I dont have it in me to give permission....

You dont have to live like this, You love an alcoholic, this is progressive and I might even have to wonder if he is not testing the water to see how you will react because he has something to feel guilty about....... I hate saying that and I dont want to add fuel to the flame you are all ready under, but denial is not going to help you either.

Your biggest fear is losing him..... I wish your biggest fear was losing yourself, because then this could be your bottom and you could get help and start healing and building a life that does not have all this Chaos in it. No man is worth having a nervous breakdown for..... and the the one that is worth it would never give you a reason.

This is your life, are you who you want to be, is this every thing you have dreamed of??? YOUR life, YOUR choices and YOUR boundries.

Much love to you sweetie, I have been there, he did not announce it though till after the fact.

kindredSpiritGr

I dont know what this ring on my finger means anymore.

newenglandgirl

What you're going through sounds terrible. But I gotta admit, that I kind of wish my AH would want to sleep with other women! I honestly think it would make leaving him easier.
Kindred - are you willing to put up with the drinking bullsh*t forever? What DO YOU deserve? What would you advise a friend in your situation? I remember someone said here, in a post, that feelings are just feelings...they PASS. I don't know about you, but I have to start thinking more with my HEAD and less with my HEART. sigh.
good luck sweetie.

elizabeth1979

Unfortunately, in my experience...as much as I would tolerate is the amount he thought I would take. He was right.

I think Cynay brings up some good points. A headsup that he wants to cheat is not a brownie point act for me, its a sign that things are unhealthy and that I need to re-evaluate my choices and what I want to accept.

Im sorry you are hurting!

WantsOut

How old is he? Sounds like douchy mid-life crisis crapola to me.

mallowcup

Yes, you do know what the ring on your finger means, that's why you are heart sick. He needs medication. A whole package of exlax should fix his constipated brain. (it's also hard to consider cheating when you can't leve the bathroom). He has found a way to pierce your heart. Anything but infidelity would leave you grateful and thankful, right? Like maybe him being drunk daily isn't so bad afterall. Pig slop should be fed to pigs. He's in trouble because this is his big gun and it only works for so long until you stop loving him and he is rendered unable to hurt you. Once you stop hurting, you start healing.

kindredSpiritGr

Wants out- We are the same age 39. He is freaking about turning 40, he says partying (a word i now hate) and being with other girls makes him feel young. Being married at home with his wife makes him feel old and boring. Im 39 im not young but im not old either. Im not a playgirl but im not too bad to look at. I can have just about any man i want. When he says that it makes me feel like im old and boring to be with. He always says im a good woman and he doesnt deserve me. Maybe hes right and he doesnt.

dobiediva

Wow. You sound like me right now. Mine SWEARS he hasn't cheated and wonders why I am so angry that he called his exgf wed night at 1am drunk from the bar. She sent him a text message about an hour later asking him where he was and that she was waiting up for him!!!! And he wonders why I think he's cheating?! (Not to mention the emails to other women on singles sites over the last year asking them out) But I'M the insane one! I'm INSANE to keep letting him do this. I know EXACTLY how you feel. I love him. I NEED him. I CRAVE HIM. But I have to get help. I have to fix this because I can't keep living like this. It's killing me. I too am a strong, attractive, independent woman. How did they turn us into these "shells" of who we once were??? What gave them this power over us?? WE DID!! And WE have to take it back!

mallowcup

Perhaps you should give hima zing. Just tell him you have given this some thought and frankly, you've been a bit bored your self. Tell him that you feel old being with him to and the thought of a younger man is pretty appealing. Huh?

kindredSpiritGr

Mallowcup- LOLOLOLOL I wish I had the balls to do that! I would really love to do that except for one little thing - my concious,and my dignity. But man would I love that.

prodigal

Maybe you should take it more seriously when he says he doesn't deserve a decent girl like you. He is now toying with acting on that belief, isn't he? I would say it's fairly obvious this guy has no respect for you and treats you with contempt: "Hey, babe, I think I'll go out and screw around with other women. You bore me."

And you are willing to take that sh**???? I think you'd better start looking at regaining your self-esteem. There is not a doggone thing I can find lovable, or loving, about a man who would mess around on his wife; much less come out and announce his interest in doing so.

I'm sorry you have to be subjected to such hurtful things, but this man is making a mockery of his marriage vows and hurting you terribly. You say you have dignity - then show it to him! Do not permit him to speak to you in such a manner and do not tolerate this putrid behavior! Shame on him for treating you in such a way!

dragonfly9

diva how do we take that power back ?

care4uNJ

It looks to me like he is trying to get you to validate his bad behavior! Jo

kindredSpiritGr

prodigal - I know your right. I dont understand. I am a good girl. I work hard. Im a EMT. I bring home most of the money. Im faithful. I keep a good home. Its clean and ive decorated it nice. I take care of myself physically. I love and respect him. I do everything a good little housewife is soppose to do. Why doesnt he love me as much as I love him? I feel pathetic.

lillian

It's interesting what you say about having a conscience and dignity and that's why you wouldn't sleep with other men--why can't we find that same dignity when they sleep with other women? my husband has cheated, lied-- but i cling to my version of him-- "love"-- and i'm the one calling him crying, even though he has been so disrespectful to me. regaining self esteem takes a while when you've been losing it drip by drip/didn't even see it leaving-- now when i need it the most, it's at an all time low. i hope you find support that you need and deserve- don't let this ruin you.

dragonfly9

you could have written that for me spirit so we suffer together hun xxxx

kindredSpiritGr

Care - what do you mean validate his bad behavior? Could you explain? I dont understand.

dobiediva

I'm trying to figure that out myself. KNOWING what I have to do and actually DOING it are proving to be 2 different things!!! I'm only on day two after kicking him out. The desire to call him and to answer the phone when he calls is OVERWHELMING! But I do NOT want to be treated like less than dirt anymore so I resist the temptation even tho' its SO HARD!! I want and DESERVE to be in love and be loved in return! I want my life back! I want my happiness back! And no matter what he says (all lies anyway) or does he cannot give it to me. I have to go get it! And when I figure out how to do that I will pass it on, but everybody who is here reading has a start in the right direction!!

dragonfly9

its the loneliness that really hurts ,i just want to be loved again and be able to show love back without being made a fool of ,im afraid that ill never feel that warm inside feeling again ,iv turned hard and cold and its not fair.